Who Am I?

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Who Am I?
« on: October 09, 2015, 01:07:35 PM »
Hi Everyone,

I am so grateful to have found you all, particularly now, at this time in my life, and at this time for the planet, when we are truly transforming ourselves in a way that provides for all.

I have done a lot of work on myself, beginning in my early 40s (typical) when I started seeing mental health counselors. Some helped. Others I gladly moved on from. I've been working on my spiritual growth in regard to my situation (see my self-intro), and frustratingly, keep running up against a sort of paralysis and cloud of unknowing about myself and where and what I should be doing, or am most passionate about.

I remember shutting down when I was really young - about the time my sister was born, and the horrible malaise that seems to be the most lasting result, as I move past into forgiveness, even a sort of love, for my mother.

I am an extremely creative writer and artist, and thinker. My ideas are consistently ahead of my time. I self-advocate, move mountains, manifest regularly. My Joy is mostly out of reach, buried long ago. Every day, I buck up and wake up, express gratitude, and KNOW that I can manifest whatever I want to in my life.

But I'll be damned if I can elucidate exactly what I should be doing with my life right now. I'm participating and making changes. But, while I love the process, I am not in love with the medium - journalism. I've won awards so clearly I'm good at it.
But I want something now for ME... something that helps me bring that Joy back, springs it from its cupboard, where I can FEEL it again.

At 64yo, I am getting tired. I want to just enJOY life now. I am semi-retired and still need to work, and what I am doing is one of the few fields where I can get paid and not penalized for being 64.

But I am tired. If I cannot find purpose in what I am doing, why am I here?

I am paralyzed in a sort of passive conundrum of boredom. If I could find something to interest me, I would move towards it. But I am NOT.

My last relationship was 20 years ago, and I do not feel that I am a good prospect, even with all the work I have done, a partner, and have pretty much given up on having that in my life. But, it IS what would interest me right now. But, I am damaged goods, and I know it. I never had kids for that reason.

NOT all poor me, believe me. But needing help finding a way to lift this awful malaise, this paralyzation that keeps me in place.

I'm not depressed. I'm bored. Nothing inspires me for long enough to do something with it. I'm just bored. LOL.

Anyway... I'm interested in others who have experienced this, the damaged part of us that is a barrier to the creative joy and inspiration that I have experienced but only momentarily and never often...

Looking forward to hearing from you on this.

In gratitude for your support and perspectives.



Spring Butterfly

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Re: Who Am I?
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2015, 12:43:30 PM »
I can understand where you're coming from and see and your intro and here you mentioned deep spirituality. I'm not sure exactly what type of spirituality you mean, I consider myself spiritual but do not like organized religion however I very much enjoy digging into the deep things of the Holy Scriptures. Reading literature focused on digging into the deeper meaning of Scripture is something I enjoy.

 There is also an artistic side of myself that I lost touch with for a long time because my mind was too caught up in trying to make sense of the past and the present of the time. Over on our sister site CPTSD.org there was some discussion about art as therapy as well as writing in journalism.  Thinking of things that way I was able to tap into my artistic side again and it feels good.

One of the toolbox topics here help me focus a bit better on my journey, the topic working on yourself. You gave me ideas for self nurturing and self-care and once I focused on that I felt able to feel again, able to live. It's a difficult when as you say in your introduction we have to distance ourselves emotionally from what should be a nurturing relationship. It goes against the natural order of things to have to protect yourself against someone who is supposed to be taking care of you.  It's hard to balance having emotional distance in one relationship yet being able to feel for our own self and in other relationships.

Also working on my own cPTSD has helped me heal and the book by Pete Walker helped me in my journey. I hope you're able to find a way to heal to the point of being able to feel again, to tap into your inner soul and live your life to the full.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist