A Different Kind of Beginning

  • 3 Replies
  • 579 Views
*

LakeSide

  • New Member
  • *
  • 1
A Different Kind of Beginning
« on: October 10, 2015, 05:30:07 PM »
Hello!

I am grateful to have found this forum after a morning of researching personal accounts of adult children who have made the difficult decision to end their relationship with an abusive and highly-depressed parent. While my mother has been emotionally abusive all of my life, I have only recently considered ending communication between us. I am interested in the pros and cons of the decision (especially the one's I haven't thought of yet), effects of the decision, and the ways adult children have gone about notifying the parent (letter? phone call? slow removal of holidays, text messaging, etc.?).

I look forward to sharing my story and hearing what others have to say. Thanks!

*

alonenow

  • Guest
Re: A Different Kind of Beginning
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2015, 01:18:54 AM »
welcome and just reading other posts sometimes give me perspectives that I had not thought of yet. I think there are many ways go cut off contact I was perfectly upfront and in person. letters explaining our choice work too.   I have been gone quite awhile even moved to a different city without telling her. Sometimes it is the what ifs that get to me wishing I had a close relationship with her. Be prepared for the down times that is when some make phone calls etc that just prolong the process.

*

Bloomie

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 13416
Re: A Different Kind of Beginning
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2015, 01:19:51 AM »
Lakeside - Hi and welcome to OOTF. I am sorry that the relationship with your mom has been so difficult. I know how painful things have to be in order for an adult child to consider ending their relationship with a parent. There are many here who have had to either limit or end their contact with abusive parents and reading their experiences and participating on the Dealing With PD Parents and Going No Contact with a PD Parent boards have many forum members sharing their experiences and how they have coped with this in their own lives. Posing your questions by posting on the relevant boards is a smart way engage the community here and get their wise feedback. I am glad you have made your way here!
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 16730
  • Individuation = our key to emotional freedom
    • I Am Enough
Re: A Different Kind of Beginning
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2015, 09:18:16 AM »
Welcome and going no contact is not a decision those who have make lightly so it's wise to weight matters as you are. Many first attempt clearly communicating boundaries and consequences, see the Toolbox topics Boundaries, Lack of Boundaries and Intermittant Reinforcement.

Also deciding for yourself how much contact your comfortable with is another first step. Limiting contact to where you're comfortable and then ensuring through boundaries interaction is managed to suit you will do you good whatever you decide in the end. Perhaps these are both things already do, I'm not sure.

As you read though the posts you'll find many manage interaction this way for some time. By the time they choose no contact it's clear to the abuser you are no longer tolerating the abuse. At that point simply fading into the sunset is simple. Creating drama with a letter at that point is usually not needed. All depends. Read through and see where are in your journey and what you need to do. Number one is Personal Safety - see Toolbox.

In my case I've severely limited contact and am not putting up with the abuse any longer so uPDm is choosing to just keep her distance herself. After all I'm not going along with the game, not dancing the dance, I've dropped the rope, it's no longer fun for her. My interaction with her is no longer all about her, she doesn't like that one bit.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2015, 09:21:38 AM by Spring Butterfly »
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist