"The Narcissist You Know" by Dr. Joseph Purgo

[desertpine]

I've started reading "The Narcissist You Know" by Dr. Joseph Purgo. He identifies types of narcissism that do not fully meet the DSM criteria. He says everyone has some narcissism and it is a matter of degrees. I'd say my parents and sibling have traits but don't meet the full criteria of NPD. Growing up, my mom would call me selfish/self-centered for not being more considerate of her and other people. I believed her then but through therapy, I came to realize that I wasn't being selfish but rather, being a normal kid or teen with my own personality, needs, etc. The line is still quite blurred for me though and it hurts a lot when people tell me I'm being selfish. The FOG descends and I can't tell when I'm being self-centered and need to be more considerate of others. The old message that I should always put everyone else first comes up in my mind. I am so afraid of being seen as selfish! That was such a 'bad' thing in my family. My mom told me once as a kid that I was ruining the family because I was so selfish (I went to a movie with a friend instead of having dinner with the family. She had worked 'so' hard on the dinner and she felt unappreciated when I went out with friends instead of eating dinner with her and the family). I know intellectually that I wasn't selfish or ruining the family, but it still has an emotional sting to it after all these decades.
Anyway, reading this book is a little triggering. I fear being hurtful like my parents and sister. I also don't want to be co-dependent to the point that I neglect myself in order to be loved and accepted by someone else. Tough stuff to sort through and come to terms with! It's hard to know where the line is sometimes.

[Rainstorm]

It sounds like an interesting book. My husband doesn't fully fit into the N category either so I think this book will be an interesting read. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Mapleleaf14]

Pine - I know someone who possesses a lot of narc qualities but does not have a full blown PD. Everyone is a resource to her and I always feel like her "staff" when I'm around. It's like she doesn't realize that there are other people besides her and those people's wants and needs are just as important as hers. It's very frustrating!! And also very triggering, as my NPD uncle was once my boss and treated me the same way. He also treated me like a punching bag though, so at least she doesn't do that. I will have to check out the book!

[kayjewel]

Just to note, narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder are two different things. Not all Ns are personality-disordered.

With that in mind, I agree with the author of this book that there are degrees of narcissism, and that most humans have some degree of narcissism. But "high degree of narcissism" doesn't necessarily mean the person has a PD.