Thoughts about being “Too Sensitive” – The Eggshell Plaintiff

  • 28 Replies
  • 4948 Views
*

elly87

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 315
Re: Thoughts about being “Too Sensitive” – The Eggshell Plaintiff
« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2018, 12:33:05 PM »
thank you for this post!
It reminded me of my horrible 5 year marriage to my NPDxh. something that really bothered me that he would do all the time is he would say really mean things to me and then say OMG ITS A JOKE, WHERE IS YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR?! and roll his eyes as if I am the most rigid, dense person on the planet. once he leaned in to hug me after I bought something from the store that he liked. as we were hugging he whispered in my ear 'thank you, you f*$%ing Bi#*$'. I was shocked by that in the context of the hug especially, so I stopped the hugging and looked at him seriously at which point he inserted his by then famous OMG ITS A JOKE, WHERE IS YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR?! line. so abusive it makes me feel nauseous and frightened at the same time, still today, almost 4 years later. things like that happened all the time.
not only do PDs emotionally and verbally abuse, but then they make it your flaw for being offended by it. its like saying ' you are trash, and you must agree with me that you are trash and deserve no better treatment'. I never ever ask why abused spouses 'stay'. I know, and I understand. I am very lucky I got out.

*

daughter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 4568
Re: Thoughts about being “Too Sensitive” – The Eggshell Plaintiff
« Reply #21 on: February 01, 2018, 09:42:26 PM »
I'd lost count the number of times I was accused of "being too sensitive".  And too often NBM also belittled her SG older sister for being that same "too sensitive" as she invariably used and casually abused her kind nature.  I realize that NBM relied on a "it's your fault that you think that my npd behavior is bad" mode to MOW OVER people, her abiding principle being "people are there to serve me, to accommodate me, to obey and fawn over me".

But isn't interesting how npd-parents who run rough-shod over our feelings can be so extremely alert to and readily alarmed by any perceived disagreement or discontent from their SG targets, the recipients of that bad behavior?  Then their own "sensitivity" is aggressively protected.   

*

carrots

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 608
Re: Thoughts about being “Too Sensitive” – The Eggshell Plaintiff
« Reply #22 on: February 01, 2018, 10:19:24 PM »
... being too sensitive, I hear "I want to behave how I want without you making me see that I'm being harmful."

 :yeahthat: Thanks all4peace, this is a new way of explaining FOO's behaviour towards me. I've been called "too sensitive" for years. The last time I had significant FOO contact, the triangulation grapevine passed on the message that one sib was objecting to having to walk around me on eggshells because I set a limit on body-shaming. This isn't quite the example, but let's pretend sib made disparaging remarks to me about my big buck teeth and then felt that my objecting to that meant he has to walk on eggshells.

My unspoken response to that is: "How about you be polite, and not hurtful? In what way did you 'have to' make body-shaming remarks? In what way do you have to walk on eggshells about that?" OK, the fact that I finally objected was undoubtedly fairly unexpected, but going into the future I can't understand why sib is worrying about eggshells!

I thought eggshell-walking meant the other person is likely to overreact in unpredictable situations. So you creep around them not daring to exist, far less say anything. Which is actually what I did throughout childhood and teenage years in FOO.

I've been invalidated so much by FOO that I'm still pretty unsure about making posts like this on here. I'm still expecting you all to side with FOO and agree with FOO. Sorry to be maligning you here with that, but that's still my deeply-seated feeling. 
« Last Edit: February 01, 2018, 10:21:00 PM by carrots »

*

StayWithMe

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 778
Re: Thoughts about being “Too Sensitive” – The Eggshell Plaintiff
« Reply #23 on: February 02, 2018, 04:16:36 PM »

It reminded me of my horrible 5 year marriage to my NPDxh. something that really bothered me that he would do all the time is he would say really mean things to me and then say OMG ITS A JOKE, WHERE IS YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR?! and roll his eyes as if I am the most rigid, dense person on the planet.

My husband has done this to me, once.  Hopefully, it will stay just once.  The way I resolved the issue was (and this occurred while we were dating) was to find an incidence of his GOOD "friend" doing the same thing.  And I said, if you have a problem with something I have said, then I am going to discuss this matter with your friend as I am sure you do not want to be around anyone who makes remarks that fall into the same category.

And then my future husband changed his tune. 

I think it's sad, but it goes to show that finding "dirt" on someone else.  If I had continued to ask to retract his accusation of me, he never would have done it.  But he would have grown tired of my complaining about it.

*

babbit

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 125
Re: Thoughts about being “Too Sensitive” – The Eggshell Plaintiff
« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2018, 11:22:24 AM »
I have to agree with everyone else!! What a fantastic post practical!!  :applause:

It is also very timely for me. I just received an email from a member of family today who abused me quite
perniciously a few years ago.
She invited me to stay with her family and help to kick start my career. I invested time and lots of money.
I left the flat that I liked living in and the place and the friends I knew to start life in another part of the world.
I literally left everything behind to join her and her family and flew to the other side of the world alone to do it.

Whilst there, I quickly realized that I would not have access to the creative opportunities she promised me through
her husband's career. Instead I was making beds and cleaning and doing basic unpaid work.
When I tried to talk to her husband about our shared artistic interests (I felt very lonely out there, having no other
contacts outside of this family) she would get jealous rages and threaten me if I talked to him (as though I was
trying to seduce him!). One time he just asked me if I wanted coffee and I was just talking to him about that and
she actually threw a cup across the room and smashed it into the sink!

From then on she started to bully me and accuse me of being antisocial. I stayed in my room frightened and
depressed. I was stuck on a remote farm an hour and a half drive from the nearest town (I can't drive).
I couldn't win with her, I was either reclusive and skyping my boyfriend too much or (when I did make friends)
was out too much and too independent and "avoiding" her family.

It all blew up one day when she snooped in my room and saw my antidepressants. This was the confirmation
she was looking for! I then got a torrent of abuse for locking myself up in a room I didn't own and "frightening"(?)
the family with my reclusivity and being too sensitive. She literally screamed in my face and followed me back into
the room as I backed away from her.

I spent that evening violently shaking and sobbing like a terrified animal and posting a huge "help SOS" message on my facebook page.
Friends were advising me to call the police and maybe that would've been best. I was worried that the police wouldn't/couldn't
support me and tbh I was worried of the larger implications with my family back home.
I had told my family about it and they didn't believe me, citing again that I was "too sensitive" and must have misinterpreted things.
Only some of my friends (strangely enough my acquaintance friends rather than so called close friends) and my
boyfriend believed me and was willing to help.

The next day I left with all my stuff and despite possessing a 12 months visa, I returned within a month.

As I was leaving, the husband offered to drive me to the city. He was a nice man but he was frightened of
his wife and was an enabler. He basically confirmed everything I had said and felt but only could say
it as we were alone in the car.

Once my family heard about his side of the story, then they believed me.

Since all of this happened, myself and my immediate family have gone no contact with her.
She never apologised and never even checked to see if I was able to travel back over 10,000 miles alone safely.

I think that she wanted me to be there so she could show off her life to me and/or become her protegee to show
off like a doll. When that didn't work the way she wanted, she wanted to dispose of me.

Today in her email she said this

"I should have realised your sensitive disposition needs very careful handling and I could not meet your needs.
I have been very upset about my reputation suffering"


So this thread is very timely for me. Thank you
"If I’m driving there today and I really am this afraid,
God is love and love will never fail me."

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

*

carida80

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
Re: Thoughts about being “Too Sensitive” – The Eggshell Plaintiff
« Reply #25 on: February 07, 2018, 12:09:58 AM »
Wow, this struck a major chord with me.  I was also invalidated with the term "too sensitive" or "overly sensitive" but also applauded for being compassionate and having a natural sense of people's needs.
When telling my NP father that I was scared when he lost his temper his reply was that I was just always scared of my own shadow. And, that he had to do things that scared me to push me.  Thus making me who I am today.  My DH was dumbfounded as he sat there listening to this.  No apology. Just a holier than thou "nothing I do is wrong" attitude. 
So sorry to everyone that has replied with their stories.  It's not a fun road to walk.

*

raindrop

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 630
Re: Thoughts about being “Too Sensitive” – The Eggshell Plaintiff
« Reply #26 on: February 07, 2018, 06:37:28 AM »
Thank you for this post practical. It is hard though because the PDs in our lives would say the same about us. Like, DHs M has borderline we are fairly certain. Recently she tried to pass responsibility for one of her behaviours onto him (like so that he had to tell her whenever she did it rather than her taking responsibility and at least trying to recognise it herself.) He refused and said it was innapropriate for a child to coach his mother that way.  she had a melt down and said he had traumatised her. I think she is being too sensitive, or rather I think she should take moreresponsibility for her emotions. But who is right? I mean I guess I wouldn't say to her "you're too sensitive", I would probably say something like "I understand this triggers you and I'm sorry about that. I still cant take responsibility for your behaviour this way. I hope you feel better soon". But in her point of view, that would equate to us hurting her by not changing our behaviour to cater to her sensitivities.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

*

practical

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 7041
Re: Thoughts about being “Too Sensitive” – The Eggshell Plaintiff
« Reply #27 on: February 07, 2018, 04:41:45 PM »
I think there is a difference in what you describe. Your DH set a boundary and a reasonable one, and your MIL in turn had what sounds like a temper tantrum, which might have been meant to manipulate him so she would get her way. Him having to tell her what she does calls for a lot of engagement with her, a lot of attention being paid to her, so him saying No meant none of that . So her having a melt down wouldn't be a sign of her being "too sensitive" or even sensitive, but rather of trying to manipulate you and DH. That you traumatized her also falls under this. She is responsible for her own behavior and cannot shove the responsibility onto your DH, and a kind No, which sounds like what your DH did isn't traumatizing, her calling it that might be more manipulation.

"Too sensitive" was an accusation in my FOO for me not doing their bidding, for actually reacting when being humiliated, poked fun at, or abused in other ways. Me being too sensitive didn't mean I was having a melt down or crying or showing much of any emotion, at most I had flinched when being emotionally hit, instead of being the everlasting sunshine, always available dutiful daughter my parents wanted me to be.

In my parents mind every boundary I set meant I hurt them, didn't fully love them, because I was withdrawing from enmeshment. This doesn't make boundaries wrong, their view of boundaries is unfortunately very unhealthy and dysfunctional due to their never ceasing neediness, and it sound like you might have a similar issue with MIL. It is something she'll have to work out on her own or see a T, just like we do here.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2018, 05:09:59 PM by practical »
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

*

raindrop

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 630
Re: Thoughts about being “Too Sensitive” – The Eggshell Plaintiff
« Reply #28 on: February 07, 2018, 10:14:24 PM »
I see Practical, thank you for helping me understand that difference. Your parents actively aggressed against you and excused it by saying you were too sensitive when you set boundaies, whereas they (and my MIL) ask us to cross our own boundaries with the excuse that they they are sensitive.
I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm so glad you stood up for yourself.
Happily, my MIL actually is going to see a T, in fact that is where she had a meltdown, in a joint session. Lets hope the T can see through it!
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.