2 weeks waking up after 12 years of reinforcement to my self loathing & madness

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UtterlyWasted

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I married my uNPDw  when she was 20.  Now guess who had an intense, overbearing M, that put the (soon to be) W in such anxiety she had a serious skin affliction that directly correlated to stress,  serious social anxiety (1 stranger was enough) including  profuse sweating all over.   She was terrified of M's judgment and as mom (seen it myself for 10 years) was hypercritical... one of the common typical means to NPD-they give up on their perceived horrible self, and create the narc as a loop hole strategy due the nonstop criticism.  Reminded me of descriptions of Howard Hughes mom, freaking him out about germs…  her mom was pretty freaky but feeding off her, she was mom’s supply, quite obvious:  This woman at 20 (my wife) would go home during college every single weekend-to be with family.  She had no identity-she WAS the “foundation of the family” (cuz she had NO identity of her  own by then I think) as they all saw it (her family).   
She likely called mom 2x per day or more during the week.. checking in to scratch her nose.  So her car breaks down, dating about 3 weeks and she's mentioned her folks aren't too excited about ME (I met M and S, both rude as hell to me) so I decide to take advantage of the opportunity and to show I respect her going home every weekend, and take her, expecting to meet her folks and after sorting her car-give her a ride home.   D wouldn't even shake my hand, I was worried he was gonna shoot me; if looks could kill!  On the ride the uNPDw tells me she may have accidentally told her S my secrets... of course I disclosed all my flaws up front... first time I ever did that-I must have known then subconsciously.    And that doesn't explain the behavior I'm witnessing, like I'm a black fella who just walked into a 50's Kentucky diner fulla white folks and “No Coloreds” [SIC] read the sign... just like that.  Very confusing-thought I'd be given a shot/interview.  uNPDw acts innocent, helpless, embarrassed (likely of me), I’m clearly on my own 4 to 1 in this gig lol.   

K so essentially she's playing chameleon to both sides, and telling lies  of course to both sides... backfires, family disowns uNPDw-mostly religious reasons (my faith is uncommon for this culture).  Then about a year later, pregnant, married... and starts blaming me for the disownership (they DID act like they owned that kid, papers and all! people who think children are property... SMH)   And damn were they cold-especially M & S and I think M signs of uNPD also as I witnessed her feeding on uNPDw for 6-7 years.     So she continues to blame me  & my religion for the loss of her family, 90% info she has monopoly knowledge of-sure, I trusted she told me the truth)... I assume this is true and feel awful our whole marriage.   Countless apologies for it, despite not understanding what I did other than have the beliefs I do (yet never mentioned religion at all to M&D). 

This issue-that I “cost her her family “ came up in 9/10 fights for TWELVE   YEARS.  Meanwhile, I ‘m guilt ridden and always feel inadequate and like part of her hates me for what I did.    I spent countless  hours strategizing with her to get folks back,  including many humiliating meetings with her family-I bit my tongue for 2-3 years before I said ONE honest thing on my mind.  This included them taking me to Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ… my religion is pretty chill, nonviolent despite being older than the jesus stuff, Muhammad, ya.     So I’m thinking what I always am (“why do Christians always assume if you’re not Christian…  you must'a NEVER HEARD OF  JESUS! I mean-I don’t have an accent suggesting I’m an immigrant.)   I was shocked that CHILDREN were in this theater watching what I thought should be rated X.   Hell, Scarface got an X rating for 1% of 5  minutes of that twisted Gibson martyr movie!  But I loved her, so I tolerated this crap and so much more just from THEM (hadn’t even begun to see the wacko stuff w/ her yet).   On the ride home, D to Me “So XXX, what did you think of the movie?”
I replied, in my usual way to such questions… “Well… I had trouble believing one man could have that many pints of blood.”    That was the end of that conversation  lol.

As I said, we spent so much effort trying to fix this rejection, but the best I saw was reverse psychology- M & D & S pretended to welcome me or treat me like  a person for the first time (18 months in maybe) on a holiday… but in hopes it was a “rebelling into the arms of the bad boy” type deal… didn’t work.   (they don’t lie as well as she does…) .  That M especially tore uNPDw up several times a week-for years, one call-balling, freaking out, blubbering like a 10 year old lost in a store.   I was always there, doubly so with my GUILT that caused it!    I felt really bad for her-her M was her identity describer (is there a term for this?) she got all her cues on her  own esteem from M.  She could feed on her with a stupid hallmark card in the mail with 2 words on it, no shite.    Balling.   It was like she was on stage-and her audience didn’t show up anymore … yes?       Without the judge… she was in the twilight zone or something.   So by year 6, I had enough-theyd show up at her work, (calls me crying) etc etc… I finally start thinking-you know, I gotta HELP HER!   We talked and talked… and I came up with a strategy I called “The Rules of M”  and observed HOW she messed with uNPDw each time… then formulated rules for uNPDw to follow while on phone with M.   Such to beat her at her own game… including some fail safes, like “When in doubt change the subject without any regard or respect for M”   I didn’t know it-but I had figured out  the narc her mom was and indeed some of her behavior which I talked  uNPDw into emulating to neutralize these phone calls, and the rest (letter bombs –two words!)  took about 30 days…and M was baffled and very defeated   (note I’m already taking better care of uNPDw than myself at this point lol).      uNPDw when through something  similar to heroin withdrawals-lot of crying with me in shower, etc.

ok so M mostly OUT of the picture ever since (am I a stellar enabler or supernarcsupply or WHAT!  Even fought off HER narc! Didn’t know it though) so FF 6 years later-I’m destroyed, lost, nothing makes sense any more, NOTHING… she traded me in for a QUARTER, father of her kids… NOTHING, etc.. you know, YOU know.   She also did something so awful, so humiliating, she was capable of something I didn’t know was possible, despite extensive r/s experience:  She actually ERASED all twelve  years  from my heart… they were gone… lots of pain, but all filing cabinets were empty  LESS the humiliation…. A few months back I accidentally find a very recent letter to uNPDw from M.   Which was exciting as I’d asked to see this letter a month prior (about 4 months ago) and she refused-unheard of, I was her narc fighting partner (didn’t know it was a narc though, never really knew what a narc was… or so I thought lol)   and in it I find HOW she told them my secrets… the things I confided, my FLAWS, my PAST I’d trusted her with-all my secrets, here’s my heart!   Ya.   

But it’s worse-theyre NOT really my secrets but vicious, embellished make me sound 50-100X WORSE versions OF my secrets… and then the WORST thing ANYONE in my LIFE has ever said about me…. Now this is all info from TWELVE YEARS AGO-explaining  why disowned, explaining why so rude to me, why I never had a chance….


Except-some things  were NOT explained… like who talks a bunch of shit about their mate, and then brings em into the lion’s den, lying the whole time about situation-and if not bad enough that she brought a lie from like day 20 into our r/s never said a thing, married me, not  a peep… NOPE, instead EXPLOITS her lie OVER and OVER, making me suffer-every, or nearly every fight.   Any time I suggest she’s done something I don’t appreciate, you know the drill, she opens a huge mary poppins bag of never ending NPD sleight of hand, look over there guy and now I’ll rage on you so hard,  you won’t know what’s what and what you were whining about, don’t you dare do It again, I knew the drill… and I fell for it each time-apologizing HUNDREDS of times… her crying, how it was my fault. Etc….

And the whole time it was 100% HER and she knew it.  This had a silver lining. .I kind of lost it the last 2 years… and thought this new ONLY MALICE version of her that was now NEVER wrong EVER EVER, for 2 years … was MY doing… I blamed myself for the worst of her(more gaslightign, she blamed me too-I accepted it) 

So in finding out It was she 12 years ago, I not only was absolved but that was proof (to me) of her NPD and GASLIGHTING like a pro at 20 years old while playing the innocent victim from the backwoods routine…  Her mom indicated I was the predator… she didn’t realize what she’d raised  with her little stepford daughter plan gone wrong by a bad boy’s influence…ya, bad boy my ass-barbie chewed me up and spit me out and took a big shit on me and then sent me a bill ya….  12 years, how sadistic, how entitled is that!!!!   

I do have to wonder (and this but a sliver of the insanity-but the single biggest light bulb moment …

Until I came here… and I’m so fortunate to have found this board halfway through my divorce.  I had figured out a few things before learning what she was on this board (no question, every word to a TEE and then some-the amounts of people she manipulated-ongoing smear that NEVER FAILED… she got everyone in my life hating me thinking the opposite of reality as I knew it-that I was HER abuser… meanwhile  by now, NOBODY listens to me-I’m screwed, she can change her sorry lie 10x while I offer video footage of evidence-they’ll ignore me and go with Super Charms Deluxe  uNPDw…. I coudlnt compete.. she STOLE MY OWN FAMILY and turned what was left against me….I mean WTF… til I got here.   

  I’d figured out that not only could she erase it like I’d never seen..but also that none of it was REAL… I knew that at the point I found the letter from M.    I also naturally came to the  conclusion about a week later of NC… but keep breaking it everytime a piano  sized lie some a decade old as seen…fell in lap.  And in the blind state I was… the first round of negotiations were more like a carcrash but… I was a pedestrian, she had a car… She went insane on a phone conference, threatening who knows… and almost lost 6 figures of our assets to steal $10k from me.  Well naturally ONE of us worked hard for that asset-I backed down.  But ONLY because I didn’t know yet… .so NOW I am ready-and any ADVICE on how to manipulate a NPD for negotiation purposes would be super if shared… id been SO FAIR with her (She didn’t do shit the whole marriage except what-get close, START  A WAR to push away repeat for 8 years, then GO COMPLETELY CRAZY ON HIM and try to push him over the edge (to get it all? There were 2 homicide attempts). 
« Last Edit: November 24, 2015, 08:31:09 PM by UtterlyWasted »

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Bloomie

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UtterlyWasted - What a painful and continuous betrayal. I am so sorry for all that you have been through and glad you have made your way here. I can see that you have already joined in the conversations taking place on the boards and I hope connecting here helps you on your healing journey OOTF. Welcome.
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸