"Is It Enough?" "Enough is Enough!" "Am I Doing Enough?" Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

  • 22 Replies
  • 2587 Views
*

Latchkey

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8764
I just started to reply to someone's "Welcome Mat" post. Wanted to encourage and give support.

But who the hell am I to say anything to anyone else on here when I am apparently unwilling to change my own situation? I'm a fraud.

I read somewhere that you can't be in an abusive relationship and also be feminist. I think this is a little like that. I can give 800 excuses as to why I stay, or why my BF does what he does, but in the end, it's all BS.

Do or do not. There is no try.

kittyran,

You can be of any sort of political ideology, religious ideology and end up in an abusive relationship.  I think we all read the fairytales, all of us want a happily ever after r/s no matter how unconventional it may look. We all don't want the picket fences and hallmark channel stuff but some of us do and that is ok too.

I am glad you are reading Why Does he Do that? and I hope it let's you see that you are not alone by any means at all. Do take a look at the site Safe relationships
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/... Sandra Brown and others on her site write some of the best stuff out there for women (and men) in pathological relationships. The site is a little hard to navigate but the columns by Sandra and Jennifer are usually right on target. I also love Brown's book "How to spot a Dangerous Man..." How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you get involved by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Being a strong willed, accomplished woman actually makes you more of a target for a person with a PD.

Once I realized this it hit me over the head that I was always going to attract PD partners but that I needed to learn the tools to spot them and disengage from these relationships. This does not mean I can spot them a mile away. No one can do that with a high functioning PD esp a sociopath or a psycopath. This means that you have to see what happens when you do start to establish intimacy because that is when the problems start to surface. It can take weeks, months, and even years for it to really become apparent... though now I am much better at doing it.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up. It's a waste of energy!

 :bighug:

Latchkey
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
-
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

*

Mudita

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 30
Being a strong willed, accomplished woman actually makes you more of a target for a person with a PD.

This is unfathomable to me. I donít know how many PDís involve anger and control issues, but my bf sure does. Why on earth would someone who wants to have control chose  to be with someone they may have difficulty getting their way with?! This is something I'm really struggling with and a big part of why, in the past, Iíd felt like I'd caused a lot of the problems. I mentioned it to a friend of his about a year ago. Something to the effect of ďmaybe he needs someone whoís just going to go along with everything he says.Ē However the friend replied, ďHe already had that will all of his other girlfriends and that didnít work out either.Ē And something else has stayed with me through the years was one of his ex-girlfriends  said that she thought I'd be "good for him" as he "needs someone strong". I had thought it had something to do with his depression, but I'm starting to wonder if it meant he needed someone to stand up to his bullying.

While itís been very hard to read as I didnít recognize just how messed up things are, and how pervasive the challenges are, the book is helping me recognize that I donít have to be perfect to not warrant what I'm getting, and that whether or not he was like this in any other of his relationships (I donít think he was), the scaffolding existed long before I came into the picture.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up. It's a waste of energy!

Agreed! Goodness knows I donít have much to spare lately.

And why waste it on beating myself up when I can spend it all obsessing about how I fix every single problem in our relationship! (That was tongue in cheek, just for the record!).

*

Mudita

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 30
And Latchkey, thanks also for the additional reading and website suggestion! I will add it to my (growing!) list. :)