62 and just found out

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njm824

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62 and just found out
« on: December 23, 2015, 12:56:59 AM »
Hi folks, I can't believe I did not know what was wrong with me my entire life until now! I was married to a narcissist for 14 years, have two sons with him, now 24 and 26, and just ended a ten year friendship/romance with another NPD.  I never had a sense of self, or identity. Everything was always about trying to make the people in my life happy. I was never connected to my body, dirty nails, bad teeth, etc. I have very little short term memory, depression, extreme anxiety, impulsivity, and no self esteem, tons of negative thinking, and poor relationships. I just had a lightbulb moment when my friend again created a wrong situation saying and doing wrong things to me, and upon confronting him, ne denied all of the things he said, and cancelled all plans, refusing to talk. The way this plays out is that I relentlessly try to explain, and he further avoids me, making the statement that I am crazy. I went to a psych, thinking I am. The light went on when this just happened again, and I read his words that I am crazy! I finally realized that I am not crazy, I am a victim! I am worried about my sons now, because I made them move out a year ago. My eldest was emotionally abusive to me, and my youngest seems frozen and would not get a job, and can go for weeks without a word. He moved in with his NP dad, and now will not speak to me. I am worried that I may have caught some of the NP disorder because it seems everything was always about me trying to get validation and love, even from my sons, and can not. I am guilty because I was not emotionally available to them, and their dad is a np abuser. I am scared for them, and myself recovering from all this, and I do not know how to repair my relationships. I left the NP for good for sure, now that I know. It is as if my mind had an awful virus from him! Does anyone have any advise for my sons? Thanks all, so much!

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mdana

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Re: 62 and just found out
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2015, 02:48:08 AM »
Hello njm824:

Well, welcome! Soo many of us here with similar ...super similar stories!  You are not alone ... so, please...be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for being human, not knowing, doing your best ...making mistakes...

What's really great is that ... you seem to have so much courage! Courage to wake up...search for answers, reach out...and willingness to make things better for yourself (and those around you). 

First I want to express to you that ... your kids are adults and whatever issues they have, did NOT all come from YOU.  Surely you contributed (we all do as parents) but I am pretty sure you are not 100% responsible for whatever problems they have. And if you feel you hurt their feelings unintentionally, you can call them and say that. 

When we undergo big changes and stress (like when start to come Out of the FOG) we are not just learning about ourselves, we are learning to communicate better too.  So, it's ok to tell your boys "I am waking up to all sorts of things in my life...past decisions...fears...old habits and unhealthy patterns...so, I just wanted to tell you that and to apologize if I have seemed unsupportive of you, distant or not my 'best self'. I'm gonna be doing some soul searching now...some internal work...in order to feel better about myself and I hope that we can repair and improve our relationship. I hope you can understand ....I love you..."

It's ok njm824... 1 step at a time ... 1 day at a time ...

Lots of great things to read and discover on this website ...
Hugs...
M


Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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njm824

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Re: 62 and just found out
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2015, 04:06:53 AM »
Thanks! That really helps! Actually, the Narcisist is about 99 percent of the problem, and that is a joke! LOL! I really appreciate your reply and caring. It is the first time I talked about it, and you validated me, which I always had a need for, I'm sure you understand, after feeling like a non human!

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Spirit Girl

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Re: 62 and just found out
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2015, 11:06:50 AM »
Hi and welcome njm824, I'm so glad you're here. I have a similar story so I really get what you're saying.
What I learned here is you have to take care of yourself and be kind to you. Self care is really important right now so you can get a hold on self identity.
When you refer to getting a virus, so true, on this site they call it fleas. Good news-you can get rid of the fleas!

I really admire all the work you've done to get to this point and the conclusions you've made. Now that your eyes are fully open, the future is bright, keep coming back here! I've grown in confidence and skills so much from being here and you can too!

THanks mdana too for your great advice.

All the best,
Spirit Girl