Drama around pet death

[20yrsofcrazy!]

Hello,

I am wondering if any of the parents on here have had to deal with drama around a pet's death.

Long story short:  I was married for 24 years to a man I believed to be uNPD.  About 6 months before the divorce (3 years ago), our DD 19 moved out with her boyfriend.  I had one week notice of this and it shocked me and ripped my heart out.  She has remained living with him and rarely visits her childhood home (where I live) and the dog resides. 

As a family, we had this dog since he was 6 months old (back in 2010).  He has always been a part of the kids' lives.  When my ex moved out, I refused to let him take the dog because the dog was used to living with me (in the country) and did not think he would adjust well to city life.  I have taken care of this dog since he was a puppy and taken almost daily walks with him, fed him, bought him beds, etc.  The rest of the family loved him, too, but he unfortunately got old.  That's what dogs do. 

Well, he was 13 years old, and died in his sleep a couple of weeks ago.  As we all knew he was old, it was a shock but not unbelievable. 

I did not inform DD right away because she had a stressful week coming up with a job change, etc.  I told my DS 18, as he still lives at home, and he agreed to maybe wait to tell his sister. 

Well, I told her at the end of the week when I knew her boyfriend would be home (he works away from home 4 days/wk).  She was distraught and crying, understandably.  I just reassure her that he (the dog) did not suffer and died in his sleep and we had buried him in the pasture, where he had ran around since he was a puppy.  She got extremely upset and hung up on me.  She then barraged me with text messages about how selfish I was and that he should have been cremated or at least she should have been consulted before burying him. She even said she would not talk to me until she had his ashes.  (I have never cremated an animal.  We live on a farm/ranch and when animals die, we bury them. I am sensitive to the fact that some people believe differently, but this was how she was raised...on the farm/ranch.)

She may be right but she had not been out to see this animal is over 6 months and it was probably 6 months before that that she had come to see him.  She knew his days were numbered. 

The next day she showed up with flowers and wanted to see where he was buried.  I took her and her boyfriend out to the grave where she fell on the dirt and cried and screamed.  When I tried to console her, she screamed at me that he (the dog) was her BEST FRIEND.  That she never got to make any decisions ever in her life, that her other dog did not have a chance to say goodbye to the dog that passed.  That I hurt her, and her brother, and her dad.  They should have his ashes to share between the 3 of them (leaving me out).  That her dad should have gotten the dog when we divorced, etc.  She keep up for awhile and dug down in the dirt with her hands.  She pulled her very long hair back, and her boyfriend pulled out a pair of scissors and they cut off several inches of her hair.  She then buried her hair and said if she can't have a piece of the dog with her, she would leave part of herself with him.  She left the flowers on the grave.   

We then came back up to the house and I kept saying I was sorry (about the dog dying) but she would tell me to stop talking and that she didn't want to hear anything I had to say.  I asked if I could hug her, and she said no.  I offered her a stuffed toy that belonged to the dog and she took it and they left. 

I just feel so crazy.  Like...was I wrong to bury the dog, who was with me every day of his life and that I cared for the last 3 years without any concern from her, or her dad, for that matter??

I realize we all grieve differently but cutting her hair and having a total meltdown??  My now husband and I even discussed digging the dog up and cremating him, but he has already been laid to rest.  I want to get a headstone made and mark the grave but have to have time to get one made. 

I don't want to feed her control issues.  She exhibits a lot of the same behaviors that her dad - my ex - did and it is extremely triggering for me. 

Her brother says that she responds to any sadness with anger.  She will get really angry and then her boyfriend will talk quietly with her and she will calm down after a bit.  He has decided it is in his best interest to not spend a lot of time with her anymore because he is tired of the "drama" as he calls it. 

Has anyone else experienced something like this over a pet death? 

I did not kill the dog, he died peacefully.  But I am the bad guy for burying him? 

[Poison Ivy]

My sympathy to you on the death of your dear pet.

No, you are not bad for burying the dog. I think you have behaved appropriately through all this. However, I also try to avoid criticizing other people's grief. Grief, even (especially) when connected to the death of a nonhuman animal, can manifest in seemingly strange and over-the-top ways in people.

Back to the practical aspects. It can be okay to ask other people for their opinions about what to do with a sick or deceased nonhuman animal, but the person who asks must be prepared for the possibility of disagreement and decide what to do if there is disagreement. I've had several dogs in the past 20 or so years, and I've discovered that sometimes people have very strong feelings about how much money to spend on the dog, whether to treat illnesses, whether to have an ill dog euthanized, whether to bury or have the dog cremated, and so on. I'm the primary caregiver, I get to decide. 

[20yrsofcrazy!]

Thank you, poison ivy.  I agree.

It's not that I think she doesn't have a right to grieve -- she does.  It was the demanding nature of her requests, esp since she has not spent more than a few hours with this animal in the last few years (since she moved out.)  I have spent everyday with him. 



p.s. I was previously on this site as 20yrsofcrazy but lost my log-in info so I have reestablished as 20yrsofcrazy!

Thank you all for this site.  It was immensely beneficial in my getting away from my abusive husband and I am blessed with a wonderful understanding husband now.  I am just now dealing more with my adult children and their wounds from their childhood. 

Hugs to everyone dealing with this. 

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry that your daugther's reaction was so over the top. If I were in your situation, I'm sure I'd be thinking, as you did, what the heck is going on, did I do something wrong, why is she doing this, and so on and so forth.

[notrightinthehead]

I think you behaved perfectly reasonable. I also used to bury my deceased animals in our plot and I made headstones when I still did pottery. Your daughters' behavior seems a bit over the top and her boyfriend's remark seems to indicate that she can be very difficult. Her behavior towards you seems rude in my eyes, even if she was grieving, there was no need to behave in such a hurtful manner towards you. Maybe you feel a little guilty because she grew up with a difficult father and might not have been as sheltered as you would have liked her to be. Maybe you are very lenient and permissive with her because of that. Maybe you could re-consider your position there and going forward use tools from the toolbox when dealing with her. However, it sounds like you don't have much contact anyway, so maybe you will just mark it down as a memorable performance and continue with your life.

[Zia]

Hi 20yearsofcrazy!,

I'm sorry for the loss of your pet.

You decided not to tell her due to from what you know that she has a stressful week due to job change. Which sounds valid and reasonable to wait before announcing it to her. I understand your decision.

I also understand your daughter's grief of not being there at the time of death and not knowing it earlier.

Allow your child to grieve for awhile, it may take some time. Give her the space and distance so she can grieve. Be patient with her and yourself. There will come a right time for you to explain it later on. And if she remains out of control with her emotions about that after your explanation, that is out of your hands then.

Let her know that you are there to Offer her a shoulder to cry on if she is still in grief about it, and let her know that your door will remain open.

And while you're waiting, grieve if  you must. Also shake off the drama. It is unhealthy to live with drama on a daily basis.

[sunshine702]

Hi 20yearsofcrazy.

I did dog rescue for several years so I have had to put down many pets.  Both mine and some that I would say I had for the final chapter to help them pass over.

Do not beat yourself up over this.  You did nothing wrong that I can see at all.  The dog was with you in the final years. He had a good chapter with you.   Burying is the norm for your region.  That is honoring and just fine.  No do not dig up the pet that is not appropriate. Cutting her hair is grieving action.  No that is not too out there.  It is an honoring as a piece of her with him.  It is fine.

Be very neutral.  The shocking loss to her is coming out as anger to you and is not warranted you did nothing wrong.  Just keep telling her some stories of his life - honoring him and his memory.  Talk about that area that you buried him and how he used to play there (at certain time of day). His big smile. Ask her stories about him with the father.  Grieving really is helped by stories. Tell stories and homer.

I am so sorry 😢

[sunshine702]

Pet loss is uniquely painful because they are just un judgmental love.  With people we have a more mixed bag but with pets it is straightforward

[20yrsofcrazy!]

sunshine702
Zia
notrightinthehead
Poison Ivy


Its been awhile since I've checked this thread. 

Thank you to all who responded.  I appreciate your support.  I have still not, to this date, talked to my daughter since this episode.  Its been 4 months. 

We used to at least text every week or so.  She has not reached out to me and I have not reached out to her.  I get ready to text her and then I talk myself out of it.  I am fearful of rejection, I think.  Even though I say to myself it doesn't matter...I guess it really does matter. 

Just feeling a little lost. 

Thank you all again for your time and responses. 

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry about the break in communication. I'm divorced, and I wouldn't mind talking to my ex more often than I do. But he has a long history of ghosting me and our adult children (probably because of his fear of rejection), and now I think we all fear rejection.

[Lady Bug]

Firstly, I'm so sorry about the loss of your furry family member. I had a dog until she was 17 and I lost her and it broke my heart so I do understand.

Grief is a funny thing. You were thinking of her best interests and I don't feel that makes you selfish at all.

Maybe you need to just let things cool down a bit and (if you didn't) explain why you waited and maybe apologise that you hurt/offended her as that wasn't your intention.

The last thing anyone needs after a loss is bad feelings when feelings are all ready raw.