3 Narcissitic partners, 2 Narcisisstic Parents, 4 kids, and all alone, drowning

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mindymouse10680

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Today I woke up and realized how sad I am. I have no clue about what; the only thing I can trace it back to is the realization that my hopes and dreams for a family have crumbled multiple times like a house of cards falling before my eyes time and time again. With no hope of reparation. Here I sit for the third time picking up the pieces after the man I thought loved me turned out to be an abusive fraud with no heart, no love for me or regret for the state in which things ended and no attachment for the past 3 years spent together and sadly the infant we share is a pawn in his game of narcissism. I have been put through a living hell and as a result of lost the respect of my children as I have yet again let them down and shown how weak and gullible that I truly am and that they can not count on me for protection and the men in their lives are monsters; so at the end of the day, they feel abandoned and I blame myself. I was married for 12 years prior to this last relationship and lived in a world of gas lighting where I thought I was crazy, my children watched me fall to the floor in a puddle during many extreme anxiety attacks, my oldest daughter was abused as badly as I was as she was not his child and she looks exactly like me; I didn't know how to protect her; I knew something was wrong, but, I didn't know what it was, nor could I put my finger on it being abuse. This is because up until 6 months ago I had no idea what NPD or codependency was; nor have I gotten to the point where I fully accept that this is what I have been living with for 35 years on this earth. I couldn't recognize it because that's how I was raised; an only child who was made to feel every day like it was my job to keep my parents happy, nothing I did was right, my ideas were dumb and that I didn't matter. I could never understand why my mother could go months without speaking to me and then when a family event with her siblings and father would be around the corner, she would suddenly reach out and become Mary Poppins to me and my kids. And if I dared to question why things are this way; I was told there was something wrong with me as my jealous was sick and I should be ashamed of myself. Oh well, at least I can put a definition to it all.  But for the first time in my life I find myself at 35 with 4 daughters, no financial stability and reliant on my parental and former lovers (which I now realize was by design on their part). Trying to figure out how to get on my feet and free of these people makes me feel like I'm going to drown. Not to mention I am the one that is going to have to figure out how to protect 4 girls from this life when the men that are supposed to support me in raising them are the men that will do anything to knock me down and pin them against their mother. Nobody in my circle that I trust understands what I am going through, I look like a nutcase trying to explain how man after man was the same and I can't go to my parents because they are the same, if not worse and I have no siblings to share the experience with. I really need support and understanding as I am slowly sinking into hopelessness.

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Rapidstream

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Welcome Mindymouse. I am relatively new here too. I understand how you are feeling and how overwhelming your situation may seem now. Things though will get better. I remember the shock I felt when I was coming to the realisation of what my mother was and reaching that acceptance was difficult but it was like I could put that jigsaw puzzle together finally. My journey has been hard but so worthwhile. It has been hard to keep working on me and my progress has at times been sporadic  but there would have been no progress had the scales not fallen from my eyes. You are not alone and you are stronger than you think and your children will be fine especially as you have their interest at heart. The answers will come in time. Take support from where you can but what I would say is that what you are dealing with is an overwhelming thing and my own personal experiance was that friends often did not have the capacity to grasp what I was trying to explain. Also I naturally had some friendships which were toxic just because of the way I was raised. Basically dont be surprised if friends do not always understand. I wish you well in your journey and send you hugs.

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Bloomie

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Mindymouse - Hi and welcome. I am so glad you have found some important answers and made very powerful connections for yourself between your parent's Grooming, Parentification, and the CoDependency that has not served you well in your adult relationships. Being able to recognize these things is so incredibly important and sorting through all of this takes time and courage. I hope you will be gentle with yourself as you go forward.

So wise to reach out for support here at such a vulnerable and discouraged time. This is a community of folks who will support you and who absolutely get it. What I can say as an encouragement to you is that as parents we truly will make mistakes - each of us different ones - when we own those mistakes and learn and grow from them and do everything within our power to support our children and focus on their needs and their healing, putting them first, in time as we find solid ground to stand on they will heal along with us and you will all be okay.

This is a time of loss and uncertainty, but you are heading down a new path and realizing why you may have chosen the same kind of man several times. This is humbling I know, and yet so many never acknowledge or make any efforts to change the things they are doing that are hurting themselves and their children. You are choosing a new way of living with them and in time, with support and effort, you will overcome the past together.

Take some time and look around here. The resource tabs above are filled with help and the forum boards are ready and waiting for your questions, circumstances, your voice. Visit the separating and divorcing board, co parenting, and others and join the conversations taking place there.

We welcome you and want you to know you are not alone!!
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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Spring Butterfly

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  • Individuation = our key to emotional freedom
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Adding a warm welcome and hope you find peace and support in the community here. Wishing you a journey to peace.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

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HiddenFlower

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I'm saying hello as well. Although I'm new here, I'm so in a similar situation as you. Mid-30s, crappy parentage, crappy first marriage, crappy current relationship, kids to boot and financial unstable. I will be perusing the forum and the resources on the site as well to figure how to reclaim my life. You aren't alone. Much hugs your way.