33 year old guy, 3 young sons, just separated from BPD wife. Feeling pretty sad.

  • 22 Replies
  • 2269 Views
*

kiwihelen

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 2019
Please think about things such as after school programs and childcare. Find out if you are eligible for state support to raise children.
Neglect is abuse. I'm dealing with the consequences of my partner's 15 y/o having years of emotional neglect both before their separation and after it. It seriously damages kids.
Can you defer your education for a year? You could pro see your divorce, in some jurisdictions you can be assisted by a Mackenzie Friend if you pro see.
I'm serious - a PD mother is bad for kids and you need to think hard about their future.

*

Healing Dad

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 354
Please think about things such as after school programs and childcare. Find out if you are eligible for state support to raise children.
Neglect is abuse. I'm dealing with the consequences of my partner's 15 y/o having years of emotional neglect both before their separation and after it. It seriously damages kids.
Can you defer your education for a year? You could pro see your divorce, in some jurisdictions you can be assisted by a Mackenzie Friend if you pro see.
I'm serious - a PD mother is bad for kids and you need to think hard about their future.

What KH says is right on about your kids. It's a highly personal area and only you can know what is best and right. I made a commitment to DD and have been in the trenches for a pretty long time; our relationship has been preserved and we are very close; it is the most special thing of my life; on top of the selfish joy of sharing life with a splendid creature of one's own blood, it felt imperative to me that DD's rights were protected and that she could not get trapped in a secret bubble of abuse. DW has been MOTY for a while in an attempt to split the kids and me. But when I'm gone she'll need to find a new victim upon whom she can spew her bile. I must be able to protect DD. SS and I love each other and we are repairing the damage; he's 18 which means our relationship is outside any control of DW at all.

It's no wonder that you are bruised and banged up. Your financial situation is a source of fear. Your heart is broken with your wife and kids being gone. You are in a tough place. No doubt. Now what? You are still dizzy and spun from what has happened - the dust of your thoughts has not settled. You are concerned financially, stressed to the max with school, and now the whole family is gone hours away. It hit me just then the knots that you are being tied into.

One thing that never ceases to amaze is the huge power of healing which is always present. This healing power is yours and it is ready for your family. The questions I had in regards to my kids were fundamental. Like, 'what is the meaning of it all?' and 'what is the correct thing?' Deep, core questions - and for this I thank DW and her abuse - it required me to go core deep to chart a course out of the ashes.

Please keep posting. Huge healing hug for you and your whole family. The wild winds will slow, allowing the dust to settle and the way to again become clear. Look after yourself - sleep, good diet and exercise - and allow the winds to slow.

HD

*

peter priesthood

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 36
I had to look up McKinsey friends. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this appears to be and English thing. Unfortunately for that, I live in the United States.

I may be able to take off a semester from school, but it would likely be fall of this year, because classes are already well underway for this semester. I just don't know what to do. Friends and family who could assist in childcare all live far away. I have very little money. I feel like if I try to challenge her in court for custody, there's a big risk that the judge would not give custody to me. In the United States, and perhaps in many other countries, custody is almost always awarded to the mother. And I think I would have a difficult time convincing the judge that the kids were being seriously neglected or abused. I could point out that their mother prefers to watch Netflix and eat snacks all day then spend time with them, and uses the television and iPad as babysitters. And I could point out that their mother is emotional and gets angry easily, but I'm not sure how much that would influence the judge.

The judge may assume that because I'm a graduate student and don't have family here, I won't be a what is provide a stable home. At least my wife has her sister to rely on for help with babysitting and other forms of support.

Sometimes, the situation just makes me angry. Lately, my four-year-old has been calling me a lot. I can tell he really misses me. When we talk, he often brings up that he wants to come to my house, or he'll mention that there is only a week before he can come and visit me. I know he doesn't understand what's happening, but I try to be available for him and talk to him as much as I can. Ideally, I would have plenty of money to hire good lawyer, already be in the workforce with a stable job, and then I could do exactly what needed to be done. Like healing dad posted earlier, I'm still dizzy and spun out from what has happened, and the dust is not entirely settled yet, and my thinking on this is not entirely clear.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space.  In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”   -Victor Frankl