2 years in review with PD MIL

  • 4 Replies
  • 475 Views
*

Nonenabler16

  • New Member
  • *
  • 8
2 years in review with PD MIL
« on: January 18, 2016, 05:30:57 PM »
So I am not new to OOTF, but I feel it might be good to start at the welcome mat, where I began my story 2 years ago. At that point I was just learning the severity of the narcissistic personality disorder my  ex's mother has and how it had affected myself and my child for years...not to mention her son and the father of my child. So yea I am one of those cautionary tales of how a NPD mother can ruin a relationship if her son clings to denial and makes his partner the scapegoat. It really is the saddest story for my him and what I have learned on here helps me to understand that I can't change him and  that the greatly desires to cling to the illusion that he had a loving mother instead of a neglectful self-absorbed narcissistic one.  It's just sad because in the end he hasn't made any friends that will stand by him, because he doesn't make an effort to keep in touch with anyone and he pretty much has destroyed the good things in his life.

I have protected myself and my child from my NPD grandma for the past 6 plus years. Prior to that I just kept her at a distance. It was clear that when I was pregnant that this was not going to be an easy task. At that point I realized that I not only had to protect myself, but also my child from the crazy making.....she literally threw herself a grandmother shower....after I had already had mine, where I invited everyone who she requested to be invited. Me and my ex paid for my shower and I planned it, so as to avoid as much drama as possible. Anyway, since then everything has very difficult, but I have done my best to protect my son from my NPD grandma. There were only about 3 times when she was left alone with him and that was enough for me to feel 100 percent confident that she  is unable to care for anyone's needs but her own. I am unwilling to have my son suffer because NPD grandma wants to force her way on him.  I chose to protect his rights to be fed the way that doesn't make him vomit violently and be put to sleep when he is tired and to be offered the comforts of his binky and blankey...instead of letting NPD grandma withhold them from him so he will stay awake late into the night to play with her.

Call me crazy but I think my child should be respected and that his needs should come before NPD grandma's needs. Unfortunately my ex husband was unable to even remotely come to terms with his mom's NPD. He remains in the FOG to this day greatly, but has distanced himself from his mum because she has turned on him. The most he would ever admit is that his mother was "being an idiot" by refusing to give our breastfed son the breast milk that was left and instead giving him large amounts of baby food (which he had not learned to tolerate yet). So the ex is a lost cause and the last  6 plus years have been extremely difficult. In the end I have kept my boundaries and become stronger and I have no regrets because I protected my son-when my exH was not willing to.

ExH did keep some distance from his mom when I asked him to, but he also did it begrudgingly and pretty much tanked the relationship because I asked him to do this for me and our child. He is good at playing the victim-and blaming me for keeping his grown self from visiting his mom. He will not take responsibility for the fact that he could have got in the car and gone to see her at any time he wished. My concern was for my child not for the grown man. If he chose to avoid her because he couldn't give her what she wanted (alone time with the baby) that is on him. For me it is clear that he picked his mommy over our adult relationship. I never wanted him to be in the middle, but I also was not willing to have my baby in the middle and me as the scapegoat forever. I really do feel I did what I needed to and am looking forward to being done with the relationship and move on to a healthier relationship and a healthier relationship model for my son to observe. I have done my own work in therapy, gained insight into my own family situation that predisposed me to get into a relationship with someone so limited. I am independent and have no emotional ties to my ex and the financial ones are not anything that will limit me. I have done my research and it's pretty cut and dry.

At this stage of things, there are no grandparents rights in our state and my son is old enough to tell if he is left alone with her. She has not been a caregiver in my child's life, because she was not capable.  My exH knows that it would be bad for his divorce case if he allows NPD grandma alone time with our kid and hopefully this will be enough of a deterant. If it's not then I'm sure my lawyer can advise me how to proceed. My ExH works a lot so I don't think he will want to jepordize what little time he has with his child, but I don't underestimate stupidity-as I'm sure my ex has enough NPD himself to shoot himself in the foot.
Hopefully for our kids sake he doesn't screw up this relationship.

ExH has told me he's not even comfortable being in the same room with his parents at this point, but then that could be a lie. I hope for my kids sake that he doesn't try to mend fences with his parents who clearly have been horrible to him, but I'm sure plenty of people on here have. So that's up to him, When it becomes a problem for me is when it involves my kid. Fortunately I have a  great kid who is very observant and confident and who doesn't personalize things as much as some kids. So hopefully this will be a protective factor for him going forward. I know I will certainly help him and get him as much help as I can. I just hope my ex has enough non PD abilities to look out for our kid instead of being stubborn and wanting his way at the child's expense. Some parents can be loving but, have no concept of knowing when to chose their battles with kids.

At this point I am more worried about how my ExH will affect our son instead of NPD MIL. Although I'm sure they will start as much trouble as they can and I am not sure how well the ex can stand up to their influence. At least the last couple years give me some hope in that department. As for me I've been able to handle things well, so far and am only getting stronger, so I'm sure that will only make them more agitated. I can be the calm one in the courts eyes and they are welcome to be angry :-) Super self-care skills here I come. I am blessed to have great supports, faith and a great lawyer to face this situation with. My hopes are that in the next 10 years this relationship is something I will look back on as one of those mistakes of my youth. Hopefully for my child will not have to suffer for the mistakes of his parents his NPD grandma will not be as actively a problem. It may be wrong to bank on a PD's bad health, but for my kid I'm actively hoping she will not be able to cause problems at his graduation when she is in her 70's. (she caused plenty of problems at my ex's graduation from an 8 yr grad school program....ran around telling all of his advisers how disappointed she was in him because he could figure out how to make a grandbaby for her. Yes no regrets at keeping her at a distance from my kid and myself.

So this is my story. If it needs moved by the moderators so be it. Hopefully it will be of help to someone out there.

*

Wildechild

  • New Member
  • *
  • 21
Re: 2 years in review with PD MIL
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2016, 05:44:22 PM »
You are such an incredibly great mother Nonenabler16!
Your whole post is filled to the brim with the unconditional motherly love you have for your son and it is just absolutely beautiful and moving. He is one lucky little boy to have you in his life to guide him  :)
I am quite new to OOTF and never read your other posts but I am glad to read about all the positive changes you have made for yourself and your little nugget.

It must have been so hard and it probably still is, but you are being so strong and confident! I hope you'll manage to keep NMIL out of your sons life, because she sounds awful. It makes my skin crawl when adults force feed children...

Such a beautiful and uplifting thread. Love it.  :)
"History, despite its wrenching pain cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage need not be lived again.
― Maya Angelou

*

xredshoesx

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 15210
Re: 2 years in review with PD MIL
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2016, 06:49:05 PM »
welcome back to the forum, Nonenabler16.

being proactive about your kid's safety, health  and emotional development are crucial to you not being the scapegoat or your son being in the middle.  it looks like you've asserted yourself past the 'grandma knows best' stages and have a firm grasp on what may happen with the relationship between your son and your ex's parents because of your exH not being able to say no.

i think since you've been away from the forum for a bit it's perfectly fine to start posting here again.  it's not uncommon at all for people to leave and then return as things happen/ change in their IRL relationships.  we have a very active coparenting board, as well as a board for discussing/ supporting issues that come up with IL relationships, so i hope you get a chance to check them both out as you explore the updated forum.

see you on the boards-

*

Nonenabler16

  • New Member
  • *
  • 8
Re: 2 years in review with PD MIL
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2016, 08:46:12 PM »
Thanks everyone! It is good to be in a strong place with things. It isn't easy but I manage and am doing so with a lot less anger. I am trying to use my wisdom and humor at this point as the ex tries to stoop to some all time lows. He actually called my therapist and tried to triangulate her. Too him anyone that thinks his mother has a problem is mentally unhinged.  Jokes on him though, I paid out of pocket for therapy, to someone that is a good counselor, but is old enough to have gotten her degree when the credit requirements were much lower. So she practices and teaches, but isn't legally credentialed to diagnose.

But hey, it makes the ex look clearly bad in this story. It makes for a very definitive end to our relationship. Being 100% done with someone who clearly is destructive to me takes all the ambiguity out of it.

Being the strong healthy parent NY child needs has always been the only goal that is important to me. I spent a little time trying to see if the relationship was workable, because kids prefer having their parents together. But it's clear that with my ex that is not a possibility. I can't change him. So I must distance and detach and take care of myself and my child.

It doesn't hurt to be able to assertively put someone in their place verbally either. The ex is outmatched if he tries to verbally bring me down. He tried yesterday  :tongue2: it just makes him look bad. I don't apologize for enjoying myself and talking about what I enjoy. Even the kid commented on his father being bossy and trying to tell mommy not to talk. He is very smart. I told him I already spoke to the ex about and that it isn't for him to worry about. I believe in not involving kids in adult problems. Clearly it is time to be 100% done with this relationship. The more the ex acts up the stronger my resolve becomes to limit as much contact with him as possible.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2016, 11:22:00 PM by Spring Butterfly »

*

Nonenabler16

  • New Member
  • *
  • 8
Re: 2 years in review with PD MIL
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2016, 10:45:44 PM »
Thanks spring butterfly-I will stick to the emoticons when referring to my ex  :evil2: and his difficulties  :doh: :aaauuugh: Hopefully I can stick to truth telling this way instead  :angel: and maybe people here can help me find more compassion for this man.... :blink: