Hitting a brick wall :(

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fozzybear

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Hitting a brick wall :(
« on: January 24, 2016, 10:37:25 AM »
I need to offload, so apologies in advance for a major feeling sorry for myself episode.
Here's where I am right now:
My ex is still refusing to put our house on the market, and his final deadline is looming. It is two and a half years since my daughter and I were forced to flee the house in the middle of the night, and nothing has changed.
I am still signed off with depression and anxiety, a huge part of which is down a narcissistic boss. I have to see senior management this week to kickstart the bullying and harassment investigation - I am pretty sure it will put me through the mill, but I have to do it, for my own sanity.
This week, I will be 50, and it will be my wedding anniversary - I am not where I wanted to be at 50 by any stretch of the imagination. I have asked for redundancy, which I know is the right decision, but it is the end of an era, and I don't have their agreement yet.
I am still waiting to start therapy, and the phone assessment I had last week left me even more depressed, probably because it reminded me of how ill I have become.
My daughter's health issues are still giving me great concern - she is due to go to University this autumn, and my plans will be to move back closer to family, somewhere that is cheaper to live, but this will mean I am five hours away from her in a health crisis. She had a melt down last week and voiced the same concerns back to me, and I had no answers, apart from, I would drive through the night to be with her.
We have just signed an agreement for her University halls, and it is twice as much as I was hoping to pay - given her health problems, it is the right answer, and has eased both our concerns, as she will have an ensuite room, lifts, a clean and mould-free flat etc, but oh my lord, the money! I know once the house is sold, there will be no worries that way, but I have been saying this for two years now, and feel completely trapped in limbo.
Before Christmas I was feeling really optimistic, but this last few weeks have been one problem after another, hospital and doctor visits, financial issues, nothing huge but all eating up emotional and physical energy, and I all I want to do right now is go back to bed and hide until it is all over.
There have been little glimpses of joy - my work colleagues sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers last week, and they are so supportive, and will back my complaints about the boss. I have visited a few friends, and I make sure to enjoy every minute with my daughter, as our time together is running out, but of course that makes it harder to be really open with her, as I don't want her to remember our last nine months as being a miserable time with a mother who couldn't get dressed in the morning :(
I know things will change for the better in the coming weeks, but some days recently it's really hard to find anything to feel positive about :(
Almost free.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Hitting a brick wall :(
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2016, 08:25:40 PM »
Fozzy, go back to jan 15 posts. I left you a post titled fozzy bear.  Our situations are similar.

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Sunny

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Re: Hitting a brick wall :(
« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2016, 01:38:00 AM »
Hi fozzybear!! This must be a very wrenching time for you, and having your daughter on track to go to college is stressful. I miss my older kid, he is 5 hours away...by plane!! However their last year at home is an emotional one and you must he feeling that. In order to gain their independence, it seems there must be some drama involved  :upsidedown:

And although so many people make a big fuss about how wonderful the holidays are, I have gotten to dreading them over the years as my sibs had enlarging families, the gatherings got unmanageable, loud, etc. I find them really draining and my plan next year is to be on a warm island somewhere.

 After the process is underway with your boss, maybe you should take what we euphemistically call a "mental health day" in the US--just call in sick!! Go on a drive or sit in a cafe, whatever you like. Do something for fozzybear!!

Thinking good thoughts for you of a strong housing market 😃, Sunny

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mdana

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Re: Hitting a brick wall :(
« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2016, 03:41:57 AM »
Fozzybear

Sending lots of  :bight: :bighug: :bighug:

And... hoping things get better for you .... that the sky open up and shine lots of grace and light over you, your daughter, and powers that be in charge of settling the harassment investigation ...AND...that the house go on the market and sell fast!

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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fozzybear

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Re: Hitting a brick wall :(
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2016, 10:26:14 AM »
Thought I ought to post a quick update, to encourage others :)
My house went on the market, finally, three weeks ago, and sold, for the full asking price, within the first week! Everything is now going through the legal process, so NPDX will find it hard to stall things. Still holding my breath a little, as we know what loose cannons they can be under pressure, but fingers crossed, things are moving at last.

I go back to work tomorrow, on a phased return, and my redundancy has been agreed, so I leave at the end of May with a full year's salary to let me make a fresh start.

I decided to stop the harassment case - it was causing me a huge amount of stress, and I had feedback from a few colleagues that they were finding it stressful too, and worried about backing my complaints at a time when their own jobs were truly at risk. I realised that I had been given everything I needed to walk away with my head held high, and if I pushed my complaint further, I would only be doing it for other people - I don't need revenge as I believe Karma will deal with my boss in the end :)

So, I have been given a new manager and a new place of work, and I have the comfort of knowing my doctor is happy to sign me off again if things get out of hand at work. I am going to treat tomorrow as just "a visit" - my work colleagues are in and my boss is on leave, so I can relax and start catching up without any pressure.

Apart from me and DD coming down with the flu two weeks ago, things seem to be improving generally, and I am feeling like I can look forward and start planning the rest of my life.

I don't know what I would have done these past two and a half years without this forum - it has literally saved my sanity. Even my own sister doesn't totally get the impact of the abuse on me, so being able to sound off here has been amazing :D
Almost free.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Hitting a brick wall :(
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2016, 03:59:10 PM »
Fozzy!  So great to hear from you and that your house has sold.   :applause:

I had left almost three years ago with my children and was out of the family home coming up to 3 years now!!!!!!!!  A few weeks ago I won a court order to have him evicted.  He is homeless now and I'm left with a disaster to declutter and clean up for selling.  His mental illness made the house a hoarders dream!!!!!    Absolutely heart breaking what I walked back into.    I go on the weekends to work on cleaning it so I can then pack my stuff and move to storage before selling it.  I recall you had left your home to with your child and expd was keeping your house hostage.  I guess he was keeping it clean and tidy?? You are so fortunate to seel so fast.   Is your expd communicating with you as to the division of contents?   Or is he being difficult and stalling this part.  I can't find mine to discuss this.  He is of no fixed address and homeless.  He has left me a mess to pick up. I have no idea what I'm going to do with his stuff.  Going to need another court order and another five grand just for that! 

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fozzybear

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Re: Hitting a brick wall :(
« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2016, 06:58:50 PM »
Hi Liftedfog - we have been in line with each other all the way, haven't we - these boys were obviously separated at birth!

Well done on getting the house back, I can only imagine the state it's in - when my house went on the market I was dying to see internal photos, but the estate agent had them as "coming soon"!! Amazingly, we had two offers in two weeks, and fingers crossed the buyer we have will stick with it...

I am pretty sure my house looks like tramps live in it, and I am dreading the conversation over belongings. I said, through my solicitor, that I would go in after the sale contract was finalised, to pick up the few things I wanted/ owned. Thankfully in the early days, while he was playing ball, I took most small items I wanted, anything of sentimental value, or that I knew with certainty belonged to me.

There is a catch 22 now, in that if I say I want to go and take whatever is mine, he will want a list, and if I give him a list (if I can remember stuff!) he will become difficult over it. If I don't give him a list, he will become paranoid that I am going to empty the house, and will insist on being there, which is NOT going to happen. Whatever I decide, I am going to book a bodyguard for the day, possibly two hefty men and a van, then, being the coward he is, if he decides to be there, he won't say anything.

We only talk through solicitors, so I have no idea what his plans are - he is with another woman now, and I am praying they stay together till the house is sold and everything's done, hell, he can marry her for all I care!

Still, it's a good stage to be at, as this is the last contact I will ever have with that house and him, so I'm glad we're almost there at last!

Almost free.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Hitting a brick wall :(
« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2016, 07:15:15 PM »
Unbelievable.. We did marry twins.  So while I was pushing to get an eviction order for him, he insisted the house sell as is, distressed sale, filthy with him in it.  I said no friggen way.  A real estate agent that he allowed in the home told me I would not recognize the house I left. Of course this caused me great anxiety. I was so ANGRY that he is so sick and doesn't see what he has turned into.  I sent him a message through thiurd party (we can't communicate, he is dripping with psychosis, that he needs to move out voluntarily and give me back our home so I can restore the value.  Of course he said NO.  It was okay with him that his neglect of the home had caused it to lose 200,000 !!!  So I had to spend 5000 dollars for the court order and force him out.   How did you get back into your home? Was he kicked out? Are you living in it?  Just curious. Im not living in mine. Not safe because he is unstable and I don't trust him to stay away.

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fozzybear

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Re: Hitting a brick wall :(
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2016, 07:16:18 PM »
Hia, dripping with psychosis - I must remember that phrase, it sums up my psycho completely!

I thought I might need to go for a court order too, but the girlfriend seems to be having a good impact on him currently, so I suspect he is playing nice so that he doesn't scare her off - look how reasonable I am, selling my home so I can pay her - yeah, whatever...

He basically reached the end of his excuses, and I went one better than him in the reason stakes - his solicitor kept saying "my client has mental health issues, my client needs a stable home to find employment, blah blah." I countered with "our daughter has serious health issues and needs the money to go to college this October, blah blah."
Then finally, when I was signed off work long term, I could honestly say " I am now ill with mental health issues, caused by your client's unreasonable behaviour, and I am also about to lose my job" - it was basically top trumps or snap - and I think his solicitor finally made him see sense. A few weeks later he finally got the place valued and on the market.
I was seriously worried about getting the court order for the same reason as you, I couldn't move back in as he would know where I was, so I would have to do it up quickly then get rid of it, so this way is best all round.
As I say, just holding my breath, keeping everything crossed that the chain holds and the buyer completes as soon as possible!
Almost free.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Hitting a brick wall :(
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2016, 10:08:45 PM »
I will pray that your house sells fast.  You can do this. You have come this far.  My lawyer couldn't really push the mental health reason to get him out.  Judge could have asked that a lawyer be appointed to him through the courts since he was not stable to make right decisions.  This would have caused months of delay although he is truly mentally incompetent and needs representation.  So instead lawyer used the fact that he is unemployed and I have been paying ALL the bills for three years for a home I'm not even living in.  I left with the clothes in my back!  Lawyer added the fact that PD has made the home devalue from neglect.  So out pd went. Except now since he is homeless of no fixed address, I have no way to contact him regarding division of contents. Im sure for another ten grand my lawyer will figure out next step.   :stars: