the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m

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Spirit Girl

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the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« on: February 04, 2016, 09:16:07 PM »
Hi there, I'm wondering how you would respond to this letter from my narc PD M. I received the inevitable curt letter from mother to return a house key she'd given me years ago (by mail were her instructions). I knew from reading posts here that this letter was going to happen since it's happened to others. I also know my immediate response would likely be  to return the key with a note, something like "It's a sad day that you hate ALL of your children and think that we are the problem."

I'm sure there are better answers, probably funny ones! And others that will protect me from entering the danger zone of re-surfaced emotions or more drama. Advice welcome, and thanks!
Spirit Girl

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VividImagination

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2016, 09:23:49 PM »
I'd ignore it, honestly. Just because someone snaps doesn't mean you need to jump.

She's probably well aware that you have no intention of ever setting foot in her house. She's grasping at straws to bait you.You have no legal obligation to return anything she's given you. Anything, even sending the key back sans note, will feed into her desire to get a reaction out of you.

Don't feed the narc.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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Spirit Girl

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2016, 09:32:17 PM »
That's brilliant VividImagination, and I did have that passing thought that she was grasping to pull me in. You're right -- I wouldn't entertain going to her doorstep.
THanks, will avoid shark bait.

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VividImagination

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2016, 09:35:15 PM »
Any time. ;D
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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daughter

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2016, 11:48:06 AM »
For me, it happened before NC.  Several weeks before NBM's final Big Bad Behavior episode that triggered our NC decision, my parents, upon arrival to my home, demanded "their keys", claiming a key needed to be changed-out.  They didn't bring new key; they wanted entire key-ring.  Yes, seemed weird at time.  Two monthly later, NBM staged that BBB episode.  Frankly, SG/disfavored daughter  me was "pushed-out" as much as I finally chose "to go NC".  NBM "fired" me from "Holy Trinity" of NBM, NF, and nsis' own family, ridding herself of me (and my family, w/exception of oldest DS teen).  "Getting her keys" was part of larger plan to ostracize me, to excise me, a symbolic gesture, because I'd never actually used those keys.   

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Jade63

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2016, 02:13:53 PM »
Hmmm,
Interesting thread.

At first I totally agreed with Vivid...heck, let her change the locks if she's that worried! But then I had this thought:
"Would not returning the key make it seem like Spirit Girl is considering or hoping for a reconciliation?"
If it was me, I wouldn't want to send that message to NM because I absolutely do not want to reconcile. Just throwing that out there.

And Daughter, I feel you.
The last time I saw NM I could feel she was trying to bait me into the (LBB) Last Big Blowout. When she failed, she went home and made one up in her head, and now we have been NC for 14 months. It was hard for me to come to the realization that she had been planning to dump me for quite a while. I wish I had come to that realization decades ago.

~Jade

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Sidney37

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2016, 05:55:45 PM »
I'm deciding between NC and VLC, so I have a bit more contact with my udNPDm than many of you have.  She hasn't demanded the key.  I live 10 hours away, so she's probably not thinking that I will use it.  I'm guessing that she's too cheap to change the locks, but you never know. 

Rather than the key, she has demanded other things since I set boundaries and started holding to them last summer.  Every time she gets mad she calls up and demands back money that she "gifted" to me and my husband when we bought our house years ago.  She insisted at the time that we take it.  I asked repeatedly if it was a gift or a loan.  I had no need or interest in a loan.  I had enough money for the downpayment on my house.  She insisted that it wasn't a loan, and that I didn't need to give it to her unless she becomes "destitute" in her old age and can't pay her bills.  Then I could use it to pay her bills.  I was still in the FOG at the time.  I never should have deposited the check.  She calls and demands that I write her a check for "her money" that I have. 

She demanded family photos that I don't have.  I've looked through the boxes of photos that she's given me.  They aren't there.   She wanted me to send some 40+ year-old folding chairs to her in the mail that she dumped at my house after cleaning out my grandmother's storage unit. I'd have to spend more in shipping than they are worth.  She has threatened to take me off as beneficiary of any/all of her accounts and out of the will.  Frankly, it's one less thing that I will have to deal with, so I don't care.  She unfriended me on Facebook.  A few years ago she gave me my old scout uniform that she had at her house.  This week she insisted that she gave me hers as well and demanded that I return it.  I don't have it.  All of these things are ways that she is likely trying to get me to break medium chill and yell at her.  I haven't done it, so she's looking for more and more things to demand that I give her.  I've given back nothing.  Once I was OOTF, she lost control and she doesn't like it one bit. 
« Last Edit: February 05, 2016, 05:57:38 PM by Sidney37 »

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Spirit Girl

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2016, 07:30:10 PM »
So astute Sydney re she's lost control since you are now IN control and OOTF - congratulations, well done! I think Vivid's comment that we have no legal obligation to return things given to us may help you right now. It's a comedy show isn't it? I once received a bill from NM to return something small, cheap and worthless that I didn't even have.

It really is sad that we are ostrasized and excized as daughter and Jade say, I really feel bad for all of us here. Thank goodness we have a safe place to talk. Today I learned that my NM tried to abort my s. As you can probably guess my s is an addict, no doubt because she feels worthless. I'm just digesting this news and realize that NM had v v bad issues when all of us siblings were growing up.

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Sidney37

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2016, 08:11:29 PM »
Spirit Girl
I agree.  I have several lawyer friends who have agreed that I have no obligation to return gifts - even the money.  I'm an only, so if she alienates me, she has no one to take care of in her future years. 

I am so sorry to hear about your sister.  That is terrible.  Frankly I don't know how so many of us here on this board ended up as well off as we are after the childhoods that many of us experienced. 

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ootf12345

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #9 on: February 07, 2016, 08:51:32 PM »
Rather than the key, she has demanded other things since I set boundaries and started holding to them last summer.  Every time she gets mad she calls up and demands back money that she "gifted" to me and my husband when we bought our house years ago.  She insisted at the time that we take it.  I asked repeatedly if it was a gift or a loan.  I had no need or interest in a loan.  I had enough money for the downpayment on my house.  She insisted that it wasn't a loan, and that I didn't need to give it to her unless she becomes "destitute" in her old age and can't pay her bills.  Then I could use it to pay her bills.  I was still in the FOG at the time.  I never should have deposited the check.  She calls and demands that I write her a check for "her money" that I have. 



That sounds all too familiar. I accepted money years ago. She told me she would lend the money. I told her I couldn't afford to pay her back a loan, so refused the money. She then insisted after much arguing that it was a gift. Years would go by.. no mention of this money.. then BAM, she's angry at me and all of a sudden I owe it to her. Then nothing.. Then bam, I owe her money again.. Each time the amount gets higher. She's now telling people $3000 is now $10k. LOL
I've made jokes with friends that many it includes school books, school uniform, from when I was a kid and she's finally doing the maths.. lol

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Sidney37

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #10 on: February 07, 2016, 10:04:40 PM »
Mine sent me a check.  She saves everything.  When the amount kept changing, I told her that our accountant needed a copy of the check in case we ever got audited.  She wasn't happy, but she found the check and mailed me a copy.  Now there's no question how much it was.   I was terrified that she would keep upping the amount and insist that I owed it all to her immediately.  As everyone says here, lawyers insist that it's a gift and I don't owe it back.

I offered to pay back my entire college tuition that she paid, so she would stop complaining about that.  I am in my 40s and I was on scholarship and worked 2 jobs much of college, so the total amount is between $15K and $20K.   She refuses to take the money, but still keeps complaining about it. 

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Weavingthru

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #11 on: February 07, 2016, 10:41:59 PM »
Yup, the "return my stuff" demand seems fairly common unfortunately. My NM has done this with old household goods, photos, furniture and money for things like college tuition and wedding expenses. With the household items, such as pots and pans and furniture, she would give me things that she didn't need. I would repair them, clean them and put them to good use. Then, she would see them at my place and "need them back" a few weeks or months later.  Oh well, I'd say, I'll get some new stuff. But, the times it really, really bothered me were with college tuition and loans. Over the years, she said to anyone and everyone that they (my parents) paid for my college tuition and that they were still making loan payments on my behalf. But, I had personal student loans and worked 25+ hours a week through school to pay my living expenses. She often forgets and of course, never mentions, that she HAD to return to school during my last two years (yes, the same school!) and took all the same classes I did and changed her major to mine....so, what she really wants me to do is offer to pay HER student loans!
« Last Edit: February 07, 2016, 10:49:54 PM by Weaver75 »

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Unvitation to Drama

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2016, 05:15:08 PM »
It's a LOSE:LOSE so I would ignore it.  If she's that passionate about you not accessing her house, she can get an alarm system and/or change the lock to the front door.  She will be pissed either way.  She's just trying to get attention.

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Spirit Girl

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2016, 05:53:32 PM »
You're right Unvitation to Drama (great name!). THanks to every one to better equip me to deal.... um rather....forget... this stupid situation

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Miss Kay

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Re: the "return my stuff" demand from N PD m
« Reply #14 on: February 14, 2016, 09:36:26 PM »
Oh goodness yes.  This is one of her favorite tools.  She got mad at her granddaughter and started sending hateful letters, several which insisted she return the money given to GC son who bought his daughter a car when she turned 16 (the said granddaughter).  She's now in her 40's and NM thinks this is a good time to ask for it back!  My niece simply said, "you gave the money to dad, go ask him for the money" and she then went NC with her too. 

NM gave me her crochet needles since I was the only one in the family that knows how to crochet.  I told her no, she needs to keep them and use them.  Oh no, her hands hurt too bad and she insisted I take them.  This was many years ago.  Now that I'm NC, she wrote me wanting them back so she could give them to her favorite grand daughter.  I ignored it.  Do you know what those things cost - a few dollars at most.  She asked for certain books back she gave me years ago.  I ignored it.  The truth is she gave me so little in my life that it's hard for her to think of anything to ask back!!!   

Boy these gals are a piece of work aren't they.