I dared to say no

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Muggins

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #20 on: February 15, 2016, 03:35:53 PM »
I have an "Animal Crackers" comic strip stuck in the cat journal my sister gave me. It shows a bird saying "But what if a cat should come along?" and then another bird sunbathing (with shades on) says "I just can't worry about them anymore."

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #21 on: February 15, 2016, 09:21:38 PM »
I've not worried so much about the cat today after all. I had a lovely day. Still no contact from sister. My brother has sent her details about the funeral this week. I just hope she doesn't want a lift, another drama if she does and will have to listen to her explaining about all her problems the whole way there and back.

So it was a good day after all.

I wish you a good calm day too with no prowling cats.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #22 on: February 16, 2016, 09:35:09 AM »
I couldn't get to a carers group yesterday. I hope to go to another group later in the week if I can.

I've got to check on clothes to wear for a funeral. It will be a sad time but good to meet the extended family. We've not met together for a long time.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #23 on: February 17, 2016, 06:45:58 PM »
I went to the funeral today. It was a beautiful service. A young cousin sang a very moving song.

My sister didn't come. She hadn' t told anyone why. It's a shame as she would have enjoyed seeing all the extended family and they would have liked to see her.



"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #24 on: February 19, 2016, 04:10:01 PM »
I managed to get to a mental health carers group yesterday. I haven't been able to get to one for several weeks. It was so good to see everyone. It was good to be around people who really understand as they are going through similar but different situations themselves.

I feel like my batteries have been recharged and can continue on until another meeting now. So good.

No news from my sister, which is OK. I have to think that she is doing well otherwise she would be in touch. So NC is good.

When she is in a bad way she's in constant contact and I just can't cope. She needs to talk but it's just so exhausting to be around her or listen to her long phone calls. She gets very frightened and lonely. She thinks she's going to have a heart attack and is going to die. I just hope she doesn't call. I'm very tired.

My monkey mind is chattering away imagining all sorts of things that she might be up to. Shut up monkey mind and go away.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Packy

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #25 on: February 19, 2016, 05:30:54 PM »
It might help if you could focus on other things, things that are conducive to you leading a happy life. I know I tended to focus on my brother when I was going very LC with him, almost to the point of obsession. I was finally able to redirect my thoughts to other things, which made me feel more normal again.

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #26 on: February 20, 2016, 05:33:20 AM »
Thank you. I'm involved with many other things and I'm much better with coping than years ago when I had no support at all. I look after me first. Like you it can feel like an obsession but it's not surprising after all we've been through over many, many years. Others don't understand how extreme things can get. They don't understand CPTSD.

Even though I've had no contact with my sister for a while she's still living in my mind. Events from years ago are still fresh in my thoughts. I recognise what this is. I'm kind to myself and say don't worry this will soon pass. I accept she will not change without long term professional help and that I can't change her. That has been a big change in my behaviour and thinking. I call police and ambulance when needed. I let someone else take the responsibility.

I treat her with loving kindness. I don't behave like a child even though she does at times. I recognise that she's got a serious mental health issue and needs long term specialist support. She is very scared and frightened. What ever I am experiencing it must be a hundred times worse for her in her head.

Wishing you peace and calmness.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Packy

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #27 on: February 21, 2016, 04:37:03 PM »
One thing that helped me a lot was making a list of all the ways I could recall being wronged and things I dealt with that shouldn't have been part of my life but were. This took awhile, as things kept coming back to me at odd times and was painful, but it gave me the resolve I needed to go NC. I would read it when I needed to regain my resolve.

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #28 on: February 22, 2016, 08:46:22 AM »
Thank you. I usually have a list of incidents going on in my head all the time of things that have happened or things that she's said. It's like lots of different televisions playing different programmes all at the same time. I could list some of the incidents. There are SO many. I think I've forgotten them only to be reminded by something that sparks off a recollection.

The incidents could have been recent or from many, many years ago. It's all the same to me. Echoes from the past still haunt me here in the present.

I try to be positive rather than negative. I now look upon what has happened to me as experiences to learn by. I have been to places that I never thought I would ever go and survived. I've learnt so many things about myself and surprised myself about what I can do if I need to. Survival skills that we all learn here but have never been taught. I like to pass onto others what I have learnt so they may cope better in their own situation.

I am proud of myself for speaking up when I need help. I realise that I care but frequently can't cope.

One exercise we did on the Mindfulness course I did was to list all our good qualities. We are so programmed to be negative and say things that we are no good at or feel that we can't do. We split into pairs. One person said one good thing about themselves such as "I am a kind person" then the other person wrote it down and said to them "And what else?". Before long it was a long list.

Being depressed or subjected to abuse can lead to low or no self esteem. The exercise helps in feeling better about yourself.



"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #29 on: February 24, 2016, 03:22:41 PM »
My sister visited today. She's just left she only stayed about an hour. She was OK she was calm although very worried about the future, as ever. I was medium chill with her and I didn't rise to any of the things she said. I praised her for the projects that she's involved with and complimented her on her appearance.

I've not been in touch with her for a few weeks. She asked about the funeral last week and I was very matter of fact about it. I didn't ask why she didn't come. She wanted to know how I got there and if her children attended. I answered her questions. I didn't expand about who was there or if they enquired about her.

I was surprised when she told me the police had visited her last week. She'd been on the phone sorting out money to an official organisation. They were concerned about her and alerted the police. They came to see if she was suicidal or maybe had problems breathing,  I don't know. When the police visited they used her mobile phone and phoned her children. She told me one of them said he couldn't come over. I'm not surprised he lives a long way away. The other one couldn't visit either. The police followed her to where she was going that evening. So they were happy to leave her alone. She had convinced them she was OK.

It's so nice to know that there are people who are concerned about her. This will now go on her report for future reference which is only good.

I'm pleased that she told me and so surprised that it's taken a week for her to tell me. So going low or no contact works! I didn't get caught up in all the drama.

She's told me other things that she's so worried about and I'm worried and very concerned too now but she's very capable of sorting them out for herself. I only hope that she does.




"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #30 on: February 27, 2016, 10:53:34 PM »
My sister has been with me all afternoon and evening. She left after midnight. Thankfully she wasn't too bad and mostly calm. She came round to use her laptop. I fed her. She was sobbing about how lonely she is. Much of the time I went into another room and played my guitar. She was busy on a project she's doing on her laptop that she thinks will make her lots of money, it won't.

I wish her well. She's very clever but self absorbed and deluded.

The drains in her flat are blocked she's making a drama out of it. She has a tooth abscess, another drama. She has heart and lung problems too.

I can see the signs of a huge meltdown happening soon. She's getting confused and very worried about everything, mainly money. She said to me "What am I going to do? I've lost everything. You do realise that I'm going to be homeless soon." YES I DO!!

She needs a whole team of people looking after her. She needs a social worker and many mental health professionals. NOT ME!

I lose my appetite when she visits. I didn't have an evening meal, she did. I cooked it! I'm too tired now to eat but awake.

She left calmly. She said she will be back tomorrow.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #31 on: March 02, 2016, 09:46:57 PM »
My sister has been with me this evening for hours. I'm trying to wind down and relax but things she said just keep repeating themselves. She wasn't too bad. No shouting or screaming thankfully.

She did say that she was just going to give up, which is code for saying she feels suicidal again. I just can't cope with yet another episode of that. She's got so many worries and keeps asking me "What am I going to do?". She keeps going on about her physical condition which may or may not be actual. There are so many doctors treating her but according to her they don't know what they are doing.

I fed her this evening. I don't make an issue about food. She has fads about certain foods and how they are prepared. She lectures me about how sugar is a toxin and gives you cancer and yet has sugar in her tea and eats cakes, chocolates and biscuits while she's here. I just laugh to myself while she eats them.

I could quite easily challenge and criticize everything she says but I don't. I let things go. She doesn't. She repeats any little thing that has happened to her that has upset her. She gets so stressed out.

It usually takes me about three days to get over a visit from her, even if she was calm. Now I'm going to be worried about the things she said about her future. She says no one in the family cares about her. We all do but just can't cope yet again with all the dramas.

She needs to clear a spare bedroom in her flat to rent it out. She says she can't do it because of her physical condition. I have a legitimate excuse as I have a bad back, which comes in handy at a time like this. I could help her but I really don't want to as it will cause me great pain and make matters worse for me. She says her two children won't help. My brothers are too far away and busy with their own families.

She apparently has no friends and can't afford to hire someone to help her. It will be interesting to see how she gets the room cleared or if she ends up renting it. It would do her so much good to have someone else there but I don't suppose anyone would want to live with her.

I can see a storm brewing.


"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Chase

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #32 on: March 04, 2016, 07:36:26 PM »
I'm normally in the "dealing with PD parents" section of this forum but wandered over here and felt compelled to respond to your post. I hope that by sharing my small experience, as a daughter of someone who has "issues", that it will help you in some way.

My mother, who is in her 60's, is very similar to how you describe your sister. My mother has leaned on her parents financially her entire life.  As a small example, my mother has never paid for a car her entire life. Her parents have always given her a car. Recently, my mother had a flat tire and her recently widowed 80 something year old mother chose to send her money for her flat tire. Of course, at the same time my mother was complaining that her brother doesn't love her because he wouldn't arrange her plane reservation the way she wanted. Of course, that's a plane reservation that my Grandmother is paying for.

My Grandparents provided for me financially while I was growing up. In fact, my grandparents raised me. My mother wasn't someone I could ask to buy me shampoo, much less depend on her in any minor or significant way financial or emotionally. Growing up, my Grandmother told me that my mother wasn't "available" because she had to work. That phrase was confusing to me because she had to work so much but yet she couldn't put a meal on the table for me. My mother is to the point of expecting people to give her money or else she has an emotional tantrum.

As her daughter, I never saw a financially strong women in my household. I grew up not understanding the role of motherhood and money. I wondered why my mother depended on my grandparents for absolutely everything including her financial well-being. The correct answer was: my mother is incredibly unstable emotionally and it affects all areas of her life. How I interpreted the situation was that in order for me to do better than my mother did for me, I'd need to be financially stable before I have children. Well, I never did have children but at 41 I do feel financially stable. I now realize that her inability to "mother" me or provide financially had absolutely nothing to do with money. It was her emotional issues. Growing up, I wished and prayed that my mother would become my mother. I didn't really know what that meant but I knew I didn't have it.  I hated the fact that my grandparents gave into every emotional and financial whim she desired. I just wanted my mom to take control of her life and be able to provide those things for herself and me, as a young child. Of course, she never pulled it together. I wish my grandparents would have gotten her the help she needed and realized that by giving her every financial "need" they just simply continued to disable her.

I grew up without a mother. It's not that I didn't know her. It's that she wasn't there for me in any way that mattered. I worry about all the same things I'm reading in these threads. Will my mother be homeless? Will she kill herself? At best, she will for sure have predictably uncontrollable emotional, manipulative behavior on an unpredictable level. But there is nothing I can do to help my mother. She has to do for herself.

No, is the right answer. No matter how hard it is.

« Last Edit: March 04, 2016, 07:50:07 PM by Chase »

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #33 on: March 06, 2016, 07:14:54 AM »
Thanks Chase.

It's good to hear from different people who visit other sections of the forum. We can all help and support each other.

No is difficult for me to say but I'm getting better at it. My instinctive reaction is to say yes, yes, yes to everything my sister wants as she says she's going to kill herself. Take everything I have just don't do it. It's only natural for me. Another mental health carer said to me that by helping her I'm not helping her so that's always on my mind.

I expect to see her today as it's Mother's Day and we'll be with our mother. She might be very upset if her own children haven't sent her a card or not contacted her. She'll see the cards my brothers sent our mother so that will trigger things in her.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #34 on: March 06, 2016, 09:19:05 PM »
My uBPD/uNPD sister visited she stayed for hours. She wasn't too bad. She was occupied on her laptop until the battery finished. She forgot her power lead. She has a terrible memory at times.

We had meat pies and pancakes with maple syrup. I don't make an issue about food, if it's here she can have it. She says she has no money to put her heating on. It's either heating or food she said. She makes me so angry but I stay calm. She's had so much money. She lives in a place she can't afford. She chose to live there. She said she wishes she hadn't ever moved there and got something smaller. YES WE ALL SAID THAT WHEN SHE MOVED IN!!

She was sobbing as she left at 11.45pm saying that she's so lonely and doesn't know what she's going to do. At least she heard from her children today which pleased her. As she left she said that she wished that we all lived together. NO WAY!!

She said she's going to visit tomorrow. She might feel better tomorrow. She said she might go to the doctor, she thought that she might have had a stroke or got pneumonia. She's always got something physical wrong with her. Perhaps she has but she's been tested and they can't find much wrong.

I feel so sorry for her but I now feel so drained and exhausted. What's going to happen to her now? More crying and suicide threats probably, it's the usual pattern.

Oh well at least she left without screaming or shouting which is progress and I was thanked for giving her a meal.

I hope to go to a mental health meeting tomorrow. I just hope she doesn't turn up before I leave then I won't go.


"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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bopper

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #35 on: March 07, 2016, 05:58:30 PM »
Naturally, we tend to want to help family members.  As social beings, if we help our family/tribe, they will help us. There is a sort of social contract, but it depends one everyone doing their part.  So if society expects parents to let grandparents to live with them, and your parents do that, it is reasonable for you to do it for your parents.  But if your parents say "No way!" then it is not reasonable for them to mooch off you.

So your sister is using that human tendency to her advantage...she wants you to help, but won't help herself nor will she help you.

You have to act as if there is no way that you can be the one that solves the problem.  Imagine to yourself...what would she do if I was abducted by aliens?  You doing anything is not a solution.

No money to put heat on?  "Have you tried talking to the heating company? Don't they have programs for low income?"
"Have you considered a cheaper place? that would save you money."
"No, i have no interest in living together.  Maybe you should rent out a room or get a cheaper place."

 "What am I going to do? I've lost everything. You do realise that I'm going to be homeless soon."  "Well you better change something so that doesn't happen.  Maybe talk to a social worker? get a cheaper apartment?"

If you sister ever threatens suicide, immediately call 911 (or equivalent).  If she is truly suicidal, she will get help.  If she isn't, she will still have someone looking into her mental health plus hopefully will stop her behavior.

Definitely keep up the medium chill....She is being passive agressive, but you don't need to respond.  She doesn't like sugar? That doesn't mean you need to change what you have...just ignore or say "well, that is what i have."





Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Scout

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #36 on: March 07, 2016, 10:08:15 PM »
:yeahthat:

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #37 on: March 09, 2016, 04:55:09 AM »
Thanks bopper and Scout. I do similar things to what you suggest, play dumb and ignore her or just say oh dear. I'm fed up of making suggestions as to what she could do she only ignores me. There is help available for her but according to her she knows everything. There is even a specialist PD group that meets locally a few times each week. It's all self referral. I've told her about it in the past. I've met the people who run it. They are wonderful professional mental health workers, well trained in PD.

She came around again last night. I hadn't gone to a mental health carers group, I was too tired. She brought her dirty washing around, her washing machine isn't working. I allowed her to use the washing machine here. I fed her which she enjoyed and appreciated. She sat next to me on the sofa and used her laptop all evening. She was quite calm all evening and as she was leaving she said again that she is lonely and doesn't know what to do.

I couldn't hold a conversation as I was so tired. So she left calmly. Thankfully she didn't want to stay the night.

I've got to repeat what you said to her. She's got to get her own help and do things for herself. She's quite capable. I have changed over the years and don't go running to be with her any more. I could do so much for her but don't. She's so charming and nice when she's calm and stable but that state could change at any moment. She can behave like a wild animal when she's in a crisis, which is frightening to be around. In the past I've done everything I could to stop her getting into that state, not any more.

I've got to be a mirror not a sponge as someone suggested here. I like that.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #38 on: March 14, 2016, 07:05:01 AM »
My sister visited me yesterday afternoon and stayed for a few hours. She was calm and pleasant to be with. I was happy and could relax. She had been with her daughter a couple of days. It was like she was a different person, not the wild animal she can be at times shouting and screaming.

I had cooked a roast leg of lamb which I had earlier. She was so pleased to have some. She helped herself and carved a huge portion. She said that she'd not eaten all week, a total exaggeration but I'm used to that.

I jokingly said I'm doing roast beef next Sunday. She said that she'll come round. Now I'll be wondering if she will. I don't mind seeing her for a brief period infrequently if she's calm, peaceful and happy maybe once a month but not nearly every day. I just get overwhelmed even if she's OK.





"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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SunnyandBright

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #39 on: March 14, 2016, 07:06:04 PM »
Don't do it!!

Your life will be miserable - and hers will be miserable, and she'll blame it on you.   Since you will be blamed either way -- be blamed without her living with you, mooching off you.   

If you let her in, you may never get her to leave.