I dared to say no

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #40 on: March 14, 2016, 09:29:12 PM »
Thanks SunnyandBright for your comments. I know I shouldn't let her in but I do. I don't let her in when she's been screaming down the phone or when she's shouting on the doorstep. She was SO nice on Sunday. We even had a laugh together. One bill that she can't pay and she'll be suicidal again if I don't pay it. It's the same old pattern.

I did say no to her the last time she wanted money and she's not mentioned it, nor have I. She's not mentioned about her washing machine being broken. Perhaps she had it fixed and paid for it. She does some work occasionally but it's not very well paid, she's told me. She's very well qualified and experienced in her chosen career but she says she can't do that work any more, it was too stressful and she says she has lung and heart problems.

I've got to live in the present. She was good on Sunday, which is only positive.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #41 on: March 30, 2016, 10:48:44 AM »
My uBPD/uNPD sister has visited a few times since. She's been OK.

She was supposed to have had heart and lung hospital tests yesterday but she said she wouldn't be going because her lung condition is so bad. I've not heard anything so I presume she didn't go.

She was desperate to find out what condition she's got for so long and yet didn't go to a heart test before. Perhaps she doesn't want to know or is afraid that they won't find anything wrong. I hope she's got nothing wrong with her but it could explain some of her behaviours and worries.

I don't know what to believe. She always says she has something physical wrong with her. I suppose it's a symptom of her anxiety. Some of the things she says she's had - TB, cancer, heart attack, asthma, dementia and food allergies. She's says she's had other things but I've forgotten, there have been so many over the years. She says she also has dyslexia but never been tested for it.

She's a walking miracle!


"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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bopper

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #42 on: March 31, 2016, 12:39:08 PM »
That might be one way to go...if she is acting nice, she gets to come over...if she isn't, time to go.

If you are happy, that is fine for a boundary..but you have to stick to it.

No living with you, no money...but some support is fine as long as you don't feel taken advantaged of.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #43 on: April 01, 2016, 08:08:43 AM »
Thanks bopper. I'm fairly chilled out about my sister at the moment. I've not heard from her for a few days and I won't be calling her, I rarely do. I won't be calling her to find out how the tests went, I feel mean about that but I never know how she will behave. When I do see her eventually and she hasn't gone for them I'll say "Never mind you can go another time".

It's good to know peace and calm for a few days, to notice and enjoy the weather, enjoy what I've cooked, laugh with friends, talk with other family members. However I'm always on alert to her knocking on the door or calling at any time. It's always been like that but not as bad as in the past.

I've been paralysed with fear in the past and shaking as well. I was a gibbering wreck with all the stress but that was years ago but I can still remember the feeling. I don't ever want to go back there again so I have to take care of myself.

It's a lovely day today and I'm calm and centred. I just hope my sister doesn't spoil my equilibrium.

Best wishes.



"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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seekingmediumchill

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #44 on: April 07, 2016, 05:31:03 AM »
Hi guitarman, it is a bit concerning to read about you feeling tired and drained in some instances. Do look after yourself and please keep putting your own mental and physical health first.

I understand that feeling of paralysis and fear well, it is so debilitating and such a waste of time, time that could be spent doing fun, productive things! But so hard to shake off. My brother and I daydream about just moving houses and putting blocks on our phones and e-mail, like Witness Protection.

Good on you for saying no. I am still trying to get my family on to that one. My mother is especially terrible. Instead of a flat-out "no" she will hem and haw with statements like, "Ooh, I'm not comfortable with that." or "I don't like that for [insert reason]." and I am screaming in my head, "JUST SAY NO." because if you don't give them a firm no, the PDs just think all they have to do is work around or through the reason you've given them. And because they are seasoned manipulators, that isn't hard.

Another sentence for the arsenal, "No thank you." Can be repeated ad infinitum without causing offence.

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #45 on: April 07, 2016, 08:42:08 AM »
Thanks for your concern seekingmediumchill. Things are quiet for me my uBPD/uNPD sister still hasn't been in contact. I saw her daughter and she told me her mother didn't go to her heart and lung hospital appointments.

I thought I was doing well but I had a terrible nightmare about my sister last night. I was reliving so many extreme incidents. Everything was so real. I frightened myself with my reaction, but it was all a dream.

I couldn't get to a mental health carers meeting yesterday. I realise I need to go and miss everyone there. It's good to talk to people in person as well as posting here. I've got other meetings to go to soon. I've got people I can call if I need to.

I've had the same feeling like you about witness protection. I'd like to live on an island far away without any contact but I have to live in the real world. My mantra at the moment is I care but I can't cope.

It's a lovely day. Just hope it stays that way.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Dolphin

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #46 on: April 07, 2016, 10:59:01 AM »
I care but I can't cope.

Hello Guitarman, hope your day stays lovely.  Thanks for all of your posts.  I love that mantra. 

I've been posting a lot on this forum about my uNPD relatives, but I haven't been able to write much about my uBPD sister.  Her issues have been the source of more sadness than any of my other relatives.  My reactions to her have caused me to question my own mental health, motives, and behaviors since I was a child.   Thank you for taking the time to write.

Take care

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #47 on: April 07, 2016, 12:18:38 PM »
Thanks Dolphin. The day is still lovely.

Perhaps you will post more about your uBPD sister and the effect she has had on your life. I didn't realise how much my sister's problems were having on me until I started talking about them. Going to mental health carers groups are now a regular part of my life when I can manage to get to them. I don't know how I would be now if I hadn't have gone.

It's good to talk and share with others who really understand because they have experienced similar but different things themselves.

Thank you for posting. By helping others we help ourselves.

Best wishes.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #48 on: April 12, 2016, 10:30:15 AM »
I managed to get to a mental health support group last night. We didn't have much time to share and talk because we were discussing how the group will continue as people need to volunteer to become facilitators for the group. Running a support group takes time and commitment.

Luckily some people came forward so it looks like the group will continue. I've made many friends there and going there has become a regular part of my life. It is a support group mainly for service and ex-service users but a few carers attend as well.

I hope to attend a mental health carers group this evening if I can. Even though we discuss some stressful events we always manage to have a laugh together which is so important.

I've not seen or heard from my sister for a few days so that has been good. I won't call her to find out how she is, even for a brief chat. It's nice to enjoy the peace and calmness and know what it is to be relaxed. Time for myself, time to live now in the present, to experience this moment. Time to play my guitar.

It's a lovely sunny day here.

 :sunny:

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #49 on: April 12, 2016, 08:29:02 PM »
I managed to get to a mental health carers meeting this evening. I've missed a few so it was good to catch up with everyone there.

We were discussing what speakers we would like to come to the meetings in the future. I suggested that we invite someone who teaches communication skills. It's always good to refresh our skills and learn new ones.

I've still not heard from my uBPD/uNPD sister which is good. It means that she's busy and occupied with other people, not me.

Peace.


"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #50 on: April 14, 2016, 10:15:28 PM »
Just have to vent.

My uBPD/uNPD sister just left. It's just past midnight. She's been here all evening. I was cooking my evening meal when she arrived unannounced, I gave it to her. I wasn't able to eat when she arrived.

I was loving and kind to her. I was calm. I was grey rock and didn't respond to her questioning which of course she didn't like. I didn't get on her emotional roller coaster with her.

Now I'm shaking. I could quite easily have shouted at her for all the things she said. She was rewriting history. I could have told her to leave earlier but I didn't.

As she was leaving she was tearful and angry. She said she was going to take some pills. It's her usual behaviour. I'm not concerned if I was I'd call for an ambulance.

Just need to chill out with people who understand. I might call the Samaritans just to have a chat. I've calmed down writing this.

She came round in a happy mood. She had some good news to tell me about a project she's doing. She asked me a question and I was truthful. I could have lied to her but I didn't. It was all about a family occasion that she wasn't invited to and didn't know about. Nothing formal just a small get together.

I can understand that she feels excluded and abandoned. Now I feel guilty about not telling her about it all. I got a tongue bashing from her but I stayed quiet and didn't look at her.

Now my guilt kicks in. She is excluded from events because of her unpredictable behaviour. It was at another family member's house. They should have invited her if they really wanted her there. I'm fed up being in the middle and left to take the abuse from her because I live nearby to her, they don't.

I could go on and on. Now this occasion won't ever be forgotten and she'll blame it for her being physically ill again. More guilt for me.

I used to tell her about all the family events but it's up to others to tell her if it's in their house not me. They should invite her. If not they should tell her why, I suppose. If they dare.

I'm so confused. Fear, obligation and so much guilt. Now I feel sorry for her and should have told her about the event. But a few days earlier she had upset someone else who was going there. If she had turned up as we were leaving to go there I would have told her. Why didn't I just tell her? If I had this evening wouldn't have happened. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

We have an expression in a mental health carers group I go to and which we use now in my family SNAFU which stands for Situation Normal All ****** Up which just about sums up my life with my sister. Just when we think things are calm and peaceful something upsetting happens.

So things are SNAFU again, as ever.

 :stars:

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #51 on: April 15, 2016, 12:39:06 PM »
I still feel terrible about what happened with my uBPD/uNPD sister last night. I feel on edge. It must be all the adrenaline. It usually takes about three days to get back to normal I've noticed. I hate this feeling.

Today I've spoken to another mental health carer I know. They were able to point out why we didn't tell my sister about the family occasion. It's good to get a reality check from someone who knows me and my situation. They told me I did the right thing.

Being a mental health carer can feel so isolating. You can begin to think that no one else could possibly understand. When there is an upset with my sister I need professional emergency emotional support and I can't always get it. I was awake most of the night here reading and posting on the boards.

Now the worrying will start. My mind goes into PTSD, panic mode and I have to begin to soothe it down. I'm really confused but calming down. I might ring the Samaritans for a chat. The weekend is coming and the carers centre that know me won't be open. I've  got a meeting that I can go to on Monday which will be good.

Just venting again.



"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #52 on: June 28, 2016, 09:30:13 PM »
I feel dreadful. I'm all on edge. My uBPD/uNPD sister visited for a few hours this evening. She needs money. I gave her money to have her car fixed. I know I shouldn't but she relies on it to get herself around. Now she wants money for her rent in a couple of weeks and for the month after that.

My mind is going what if, what if, what if? What if she kills herself like she's threatened so many times before. She was sobbing and asking what is she going to do? I can see all the signs of a total meltdown happening again. She's so worried about money and losing her place to live.

I hate this feeling. I feel sick. My stomach is churning. My mind is racing.

It's all going to start again the sobbing, screaming, shouting, swearing, shaking and suicidal threats. Thankfully she's never self harmed.

She's not getting much money in. She doesn't work full time, although she is very well qualified and experienced. She has physical problems she says that prevent her from talking much so she can't do much. She has lots of ideas but can't implement them.

She'll want more and more money. She'll want to spend more and more time with me because she's so lonely. I just can't stand being anywhere near her. She makes me feel ill.

I'm calm and kind whenever I see her but I feel like screaming and shouting at her. I never do. I lock myself in the bathroom instead.

I miss going to the regular mental health carers support groups I usually go to. I just can't get to them which is why I started posting here a few months ago.

My sister has been quiet for a few weeks and mostly calm. I just wish she would be calm all the time but I know that will now never be. I've accepted that. She has long term serious mental health issues and she will probably never be stable over a long period of time.

Just need to vent. I have feelings too.

If there is a hell on earth this is surely it. Oh dear that sounds so bad. All the worst times I've ever been through with my sister are coming back to haunt me. So many years, so many tears.

I know this feeling will pass. I just hate experiencing it time after time. Now I'll be awake all night worrying about her wondering about the future. She dumps her stuff on me and expects me to sort all her problems out. I've been better at not doing everything for her. I just wish that she'd get professional mental health support but she won't.

She's a very capable, resourceful person when she's stable and calm. I just wish she was that person all the time and not the scared, frightened person when she visits me.

Best wishes.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2016, 09:51:43 PM by guitarman »
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #53 on: June 30, 2016, 12:13:29 PM »
I feel awful now. I gave money for my sister's car and money for her one month's rent.

She was crying and threw up because she had an asthma attack. I gave her the cheque. She's still here. Now she's laughing and joking on the phone to a friend that has just called her.


"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #54 on: June 30, 2016, 09:34:08 PM »
My sister left at 11.30pm. I went to another room most of the time she was here. I feel awful about giving her money because she'll just want more and more. She's already had thousands of pounds. I gave it knowing that she would become hysterical and suicidal if she didn't get it. I'm too weak and feeble to go through all that again. I've suffered enough for so many years. Now I feel so ashamed for not saying no.

She's got a hospital appointment tomorrow with a lung consultant, if she turns up. According to her they don' t know anything and aren't treating her condition properly. She researches lung conditions on the web and finds out what other things they could be doing and investigating.

She left quietly and calmly but says she'll be back tomorrow. I just can't stand being any where near her. I feel like screaming and shouting at her for all the chaos and upset she's caused in the family for years, but I don't. I stay calm in her presence and smile.

Just venting.



"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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hhaw

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #55 on: June 30, 2016, 11:42:21 PM »
You made a choice, GM.

You aren't feeling strong enough to stand up to her hysterical chaos, and so it was worth it to you to write the check.

Just don't forget you have choices, and you can change your mind at any time.

When you're ready... when you're feeling strong enough... you might choose to handle her differently. 

Until then, stop beating yourself up.  Guilt and shame suck.

You're a very nice person.  Give yourself credit and most of all......

have compassion for yourself. 

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #56 on: July 01, 2016, 12:02:49 PM »
Thanks for your reply hhaw I really appreciate it.

I saw my sister today. She didn't stay too long. She'd been to see her lung consultant. They can't give her a definite diagnosis. So my sister doesn't know what to do. She feels as if no one cares.

She wants yet more money to have her flat cleaned. I didn't give it to her. I pointed out how much money she had yesterday. It's never enough. She made threats to her life as she left. I'm not concerned she does it so often. I've got used to it. She also wants money to get a new bed as hers is broken and she can't sleep well.

Inside I'm fuming but stayed calm. I'm trying not to get involved and stay medium chill with her.

I'm still getting over flu I had a couple of weeks ago so am taking things easy.

Thanks for pointing out I have choices. We all do. I made a choice and it was right for me at that time.

I hate being a nice person. I'm too nice and kind, always thinking the best of people. Being loving and kind just causes me pain.

Best wishes.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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SquarePegs80

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #57 on: July 01, 2016, 03:23:37 PM »
You did great this time saying NO to her, keep doing this you'll get better with it in time.  :hug:
Discover yourself like a Lotus flower in full bloom even in a muddy pond. Beautiful and Strong!

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hhaw

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #58 on: July 01, 2016, 03:39:55 PM »
Right... saying YES while you're recovering from flu is just that.... saying YES one time.

You can change that response at any time going forward..... and you did!

She'll never learn accountability or responsibility as long as you're fixing thing for her.... esp if you do it bc of threats and fear of threats, IME.

If you express empathy and compassion for her.....

"I/m sorry to hear you're struggling with your dx ,and financial struggles..."

reflect her feelings back to her

"That must be very tough for you..."


Then put the problem back on her plate....

"How will you deal with the next doctor appointment/getting the money together to pay your rent/finding a new bed solution?"

Keep this up, until she begins to realize you aren't going to FIX things for her anymore.  Right now she's operating under the belief you absolutely will do that for her. 

When she threatens suicide you may consider calling the authorities and having her deal with the consequences of those kinds of actions.

I'm so sorry you're suffering, but you can only control how you respond to her.  You can't control what she says or does..... stop feeling like it's your responsiblity. 

It's not.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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guitarman

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Re: I dared to say no
« Reply #59 on: July 02, 2016, 05:29:29 AM »
Thanks SquarePegs80 and hhaw.

My sister stayed the night on the sofa. She just turned up. She left her car overnight at a mechanics to be fixed locally and couldn't get home, no money for a taxi or bus she said. She's going to pick it up later today.

I fed her. I don't make an issue about food even though she eats so much when she's here. She was for the most part calm but talking about herself all the time and another lung condition she's self diagnosed herself with. She wants yet more money to go privately to a specialist lung hospital. She's already being treated for free on the NHS but that's not good enough for her. She said that she could die from this condition if it's not treated. How's that for emotional blackmail!!!

I feel like I could die from being around her and all the stress she causes.

She said that I'm the only brother that cares about her. The others don't have much contact with her. They stand up to her and bring up her past behaviour. They are honest, frank and direct. She calls it abuse.

She was doing washing up while she was here. I thought it was strange as she's never done it before. So I knew she was after something, more money.

I've been better than in the past so I have to give myself some credit. I've been involved with mental health carers support groups for over nine years in order to cope with her. She can't or won't change. I've given up thinking that she ever will now. I used to have hope that she would. That's what has kept me coping. Maybe she's just beyond help unless she has a life threatening crisis and is detained by force. I thought it would happen in the past but the authorities let her go. Police and ambulances never held her when they turned up.

I'm calm although I have racing thoughts about the future and what might happen as ever.

Best wishes.


"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author