Alienation

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DaughterDearest

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Alienation
« on: February 13, 2016, 04:13:07 PM »
 :wave: Hi all, I haven't posted here yet, but have been using this forum as a great form of support over the last year since going NC with my NM. I have found great comfort in knowing that I am not alone and that all of you strong souls are walking a similar path.

What has finally brought me to post is a new issue that I am not quite sure how to handle  or if I should address it at all. Like many of you, NM has tried to alienate me and my husband from the rest of my family.  It took some work to get them to stop being flying monkeys, and they tell me that they understand that she is just a mean person. A few have re-established contact with me in the past few months. The thing is, nobody can tell her that they talk to me or see me or are even associated with something that my husband & I are, without facing her wrath. Even family members that are also NC with her, are afraid to have anyone find out. So, they all keep it from her. I understand "why" they do it, but I'm getting a little sick of it, like I'm something to be ashamed of or a secret to be kept.  :unsure: What the heck?  Anyone else had to deal with this? 

I hear my inner dialogue telling me to be grateful that they even want to see me, and then I slap some sense into myself! Why WOULDN'T/SHOULDN'T they want to see me? I'm a pretty nice, fun, smart person and I'm their family! I have never done anything to purposely hurt anyone else, but I have the right to protect and defend myself by choosing to not be around mean people.    It makes me sick that they enable her irrational, selfish behavior and follow the rules she has set for them. They are all scared of her.

Just wondering how anyone else has dealt with this? Should I just ignore it and move on? Or should I say something?
« Last Edit: February 13, 2016, 04:41:02 PM by DaughterDearest »

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alonenow

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Re: Alienation
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2016, 12:29:19 AM »
        I agree that although we CAN understand why but playing these games just enables the behavior.
 I have friends that are also friends with some people I do not Like or care for but normal people do not throw tantrums because they are friend or socialize with others.    Keeping it a secret or pretending in relationships only eventually ends up hurting people.  I do not think we should want people to take sides but instead we should expect people to act like adults.

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Miss Kay

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Re: Alienation
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2016, 07:52:39 PM »
I have 5 living siblings.  Two (the golden children) treat me just like my NM but I don't care to be around them either so no loss there.  One is NC also so he certainly understands but is very hurt that the rest of the family want nothing to do with him or me.  Then I have one that tolerates me if he sees me with his children (we are very close so we end up at graduations etc. together) but he's afraid to act too close or else he will get in trouble with the rest of them.  Then there is the one brother that tries to keep everyone happy.  That's impossible of course and he's paid a heavy price for coming to visit me and having a relationship with me.  Now he has Alzheimer's and knows none of us.  It's amazing how much power these crazy women have over so many people.  I no longer tippy toe around the subject.  They either want me or they don't but I would not hide or keep things secret.