Abuse specific to LGBT relationships

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earlyleaf

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Abuse specific to LGBT relationships
« on: February 14, 2016, 05:40:40 PM »
Hello,

Another poster pointed out that there are abuse/manipulation tactics specific to people in LGBT relationships. Ie claiming that a partner isn't actually gay if they don't want to have sex, or if they have friendships with the opposite sex, that sort of thing. This hit pretty close to home.

I've been looking around the internet but am having a hard time of finding info on what other examples there are of LGBT specific abuse/manipulation/etc . Do you have any info/resources to share?

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Bloomie

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Re: Abuse specific to LGBT relationships
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2016, 09:02:59 PM »
Hi earlyleaf - I wanted to share a bit of info/resources that I found that may address the unique manifestation of abuse/manipulation in LBGT intimate relationships.

Found a scholarly resource that is a lot to read through, but that I hope is helpful: https://libres.uncg.edu/ir/uncg/f/AK_Mobley_Same_2007.pdf

Some points made in this article:

There is an incomplete statistical picture of same sex Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) due to many factors, however current studies do indicate there is at least the same level of IPV (including sexual violence and coercion) found in same sex relationships as heterosexual relationships - which is one quarter to one half of all same sex relationships.

The stress of being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender is another important contextual factor; because one's sexual minority status is more obvious when a member of a same-sex couple, being in a relationship with a member of the same sex can add to this stress.

Threatening to, or outing one' s partner, or divulging a partner's sexual orientation in defiance of the partner's wishes, is a frequently used tactic in same-sex IPV. Within same sex relationships, an abusive individual may exert control over his or her partner by threatening to out the partner to friends, family members, or co-workers who are not aware of the abused partner's sexual orientation.

For victims in same sex relationships, social isolation may result from subtle or blatant expressions of homophobia by others and fears that family members will attribute the abuse to the individual's sexual orientation. Thus hindering those experiencing abuse or coercion from reaching out and getting help.

Another important point that was made in the research linked above, was that many therapists are heterosexual potentially impacting their ability to help assist same sex couples with relational difficulties.

A online support group and resource link with a great deal of resources and info specific to the LGBT community: http://emptyclosets.com


"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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awakeningeagle

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Re: Abuse specific to LGBT relationships
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2016, 02:15:36 AM »
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/lgbt-abuse/

http://tnlr.org/about-partner-abuse/

Here are a couple links...^^
My ex was very butch and so there were dynamics which were in some ways similar to what you would stereotype in a straight relationship as far as expectations, which most people wouldn't think in a lesbian relationship.  She would get angry sometimes if I would try to do "masculine" things, like carry heavy stuff, do yard work, etc.  Not that she did it instead...she didn't.  She would get other males we knew to do them.  And often things didn't get done, and I would just do it anyway, and she would act like I was somehow disrespecting her in this, emasculating her in her role of head of the house basically.  She also specifically targeted straight women.  I later learned that most of her exes were straight women in relationships with men when she targeted them.  One even divorced her husband for my ex.  (She messed up with me lol...I am gay, but was still in the closet when I met her.) Still I had briefly dated two guys in college (Christian school, it was just expected, but I was most definitely a virgin) so later she used that fact to justify suspicions that I was cheating on her with both men and women.  Increased isolation that way.  Any sexual issue that came up (basically anything she could complain about, me not satisfying her, me having trouble climaxing, etc) was ammunition to question my sexuality.  Which was really, really hurtful for me because it was not an easy process for me to come out.  I already had to defend my sexuality everywhere else...shouldn't have had to defend it to my PARTNER.  Also because we were gay, that was more ammunition for her to target my family and try to turn me against them, trying to convince me that every little thing was proof of them not accepting our lesbian relationship. 

If there is anything you want to talk about or vent, feel free!

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AlienFox

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Re: Abuse specific to LGBT relationships
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2016, 09:21:56 PM »
I have been in a relationship with my wife for over 20 years.  I fell in love with her and was terrified to be with her and the stigma of being gay.  I left the state and 4 years later, there she was, tracking me down, making me feel special.  She sent flowers, wrote me beautiful letters filled with love and longing.  I fell for it, left my husband and moved in with her.  We lived together for 15 years and once marriage was legal, we got married.  We always had trouble, if I had friends and she was jealous.  She would create drama so we could not attend parties or family functions and I made excuses for us.  I often said that I was tired or ill so that my friends and family would not think badly of her. 

After our wedding, she changed.  She started talking about another woman that she had so much in common with.  They had shared grief, the woman lost her partner a year ago and my wife lost her brother to suicide 5 years ago.  They liked the same music, they text messaged constantly.  I asked her if she was having an emotional affair with this woman, she denied it.  She started coming home later each day, changed the code on her phone and began keeping her phone with her all of the time, on her lap during meal times.  It was so hard for me to watch her disconnect from me, the person who has loved and cared for her for years.  Through her diagnosis of a terminal illness, changing our entire life to accommodate her medical needs, the death of her father and her brother, her mother moving out of state and marrying another man.  I thought we were past the stupid behaviors, the lies and deceit.  I was wrong, so very wrong.  She told me she was unhappy and felt empty and didn't want to be with me any longer. 

I was shocked, angry, depressed and sad all at the same time.  I don't know what she expected when she said she wanted a divorce.  But I think I surprised her but not laying down and letting her have her way.  I stood my ground and asked for half of everything that we had accumulated over our 16 years together.  I am fighting for 1/2 of her retirement as I have paid into that account and she unwilling to reveal the value of her 401k.   This all feels a bit stupid but I really am not going to let her intimidate me into being a door mat again.  She walked around the house with a heavy rubber mallet and smashed gifts that I had given her.  I have never seen her behave like this.  She accused me of stealing her things and then approached me with the mallet.  I slammed the door and locked in and called the police.  Now she is angry because she has 'legal' difficulties and blames me for overreacting.  I am trying so hard to not feel guilty for calling the policy, to not allow her to tell me how to feel.  I was afraid and am still afraid of her anger and her wild mood swings. 

I am lost in a sea of strangeness and loneliness.

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kiwihelen

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Re: Abuse specific to LGBT relationships
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2016, 04:39:39 PM »
Get a lawyer. You being married means you have the same rights as hetero people and a court can compel her to reveal retirement savings etc.
You might also want to look at Shrink4Men as a blog site. Dr T mostly deals with mens issues but she has said to me she has a growing number of gay women asking advice on dealing with abusive wives.

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awakeningeagle

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Re: Abuse specific to LGBT relationships
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2016, 04:57:57 PM »
Lawyer up, my friend. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. If you don't already have the support of a therapist, you might consider finding one. Also don't rule out support from a domestic violence agency, support group etc. The support group I have gone to the last year has been tremendously helpful, even though for all but a couple weeks I have been the only lesbian client there. And you shouldn't feel guilty one bit for calling the police.  Keep a record of everything that is happening...you may need this info in the future!