A Leaf on a Lake

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Notmyself

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A Leaf on a Lake
« on: February 21, 2016, 01:57:41 AM »
Hi all,

I've been lurking here for a while now, knowing by your posts that I am the unfortunate recipient of a spouse with OCPD.
So, today I expose myself to you, in registering.  Because of this crazy way of living that I have been enduring, I am terrified
to be doing this. Simply looking the wrong way, or saying the right thing, the wrong way brings an immediate abrupt end to an otherwise
normal day, so being here on line, with the risk of being "caught" is frightening!
I am middle-aged, and have worked very hard for the things that I have, and do not want to lose these things.
She has chased off my friends, and my family over the years, and made me the "bad guy" in all of it.
I could just keep on going, and waiting for the next outburst, but I'm thinking that I would rather enjoy life again, like before we met.
I see lots of gals here with OCPD guys, but this is HER that is the trouble, and it feels like the world wants to look the other way when a male is abused.
How did I get here?

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daisy.m.d

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Re: A Leaf on a Lake
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2016, 02:36:56 AM »
I hear that you feel invisible. You are not. Women can certainly be abusive to both women and men, in my experience, emotional abuse is more common.

I recently went NC with my sister (uBP/uNP). It was painful but I feel better now and have more energy. This site is full of useful information about controlling behavior and how to handle it.  I just read through a lot of it and found it very useful though I imagine it takes practice and time to master.

And here is a question: Does a normal day for you include waiting for the next outburst and walking on eggshells? Your idea of enjoying life again seems like a better version of normal, whatever the material cost. I wish you the best.

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Notmyself

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Re: A Leaf on a Lake
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2016, 04:53:37 AM »
Yes,
Eggshells at all times.

Thanks

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Elis62

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Re: A Leaf on a Lake
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2016, 11:29:51 AM »
Hi welcome, I'm new here also, I never join forums so this is a completely new direction for me. But in the one day since I joined, I feel stronger just from the support and advice I've received here and knowing you are not alone is comforting. That was me too, walking all the time on eggshells, never knowing when an innocent remark or situation will be interpreted wrongly by my paranoid husband. Search the site there's lots of great info here, stay strong.

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Latchkey

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Re: A Leaf on a Lake
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2016, 01:58:32 PM »
Hi scootertramp and welcome to OOTF,

I'm glad you took the first step and posted. I think as you start to unravel what has been going on it is important to also try to build up your support system in real life.
Please take caution and use private browsing when accessing this site and /or also erase your browser history.

Do you have any family or friends that know what is going on? I realize you are scared right now of losing the things you've worked for, but you have to put your mental health as a top priority. I would encourage you to consult with an attorney to help you figure out the financial implications if you were to separate.

This book is excellent and though your wife is OCPD- there is overlap among narcissist and borderline and the way these play out in a marriage:

Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstand, PhD

Here are some more links to get you started:

The 51% Rule

Boundaries    


We are here for you!  Committed to Working on it, Chosen Relationships, Separating and DIvorcing, Common Behaviors, and Working on Us are all good places to start as you get settled in. Please keep reading and posting as you are able!

Latchkey

Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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Notmyself

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Re: A Leaf on a Lake
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2016, 05:37:56 PM »
Thanks for the replies. As I said, I've been looking at this site for a while now, and never having the guts to
take that first step. Apparently, I was just skimming over the site, because now that I actually look, I'm STUNNED.
While some things don't apply to my situation, so many are spot on! So I'm not crazy! This is not my unique screw up,
caused by me, and my ways!
It's not that I can't seem to ever do things right (although I'm exhausted from trying), "right" is always changing....Just when I think I'm getting it...
poof!, it is now wrong.
I am seeing that within the site, there are specific topic areas for the different areas of challenges that we face, and I guess I should start reading those posts, and
work myself that direction.
I am getting the impression that this is going to be a journey.
For the first time in decades, I may be seeing a spark of hope. But that could change.
 :stars:

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Packy

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Re: A Leaf on a Lake
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2016, 07:00:03 PM »
The ways people with PDs manipulate and terrorize others are as infinite as the human mind. One prominent method is to make you believe you're the problem, the one insane, the one out of control, when the opposite is true. Until you read about all their techniques, you know something's off, but it's hard to say exactly what, as they keep you off balance. I suggest you read as much on this forum as you can, especially the tools and the section on common behaviors. It's painful to come Out of the FOG, but it's the only way to regain your life. And lest you think there's hope, people with PDs rarely change, so you eventually either have to decide to leave or to live with it. Best wishes.

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Notmyself

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Re: A Leaf on a Lake
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2016, 04:37:30 PM »
So, today I'm rewashing my work jeans. I work in an outside commercial operation, and get mildly dirty, but dirty nonetheless.
I like to start out the day in clean clothes, but because of her extreme way of thinking, she uses very little soap in the laundry, and so my jeans come out
gray, and dingy.
I work nights, and she days, so to insure that I have bright blue jeans, I have taken to doing a load of jeans mid-week when she is at work. also, if I
wash a load when she is away, I'm not micromanaged as far as soap volume(I use the volume for ONE load), and length of time of the wash cycle, (I use the long "stain wash" cycle) She uses less than half of the volume of soap for one load, and "speed wash" to 'save money'.
In the past, my mid-week plan has worked, as she would not, under any circumstances, wash clothes on any day other than her official 'cleaning day' which is Saturday. incidentally, that is 'church day' also, and nothing changes that. Not fun activities that could be done with the kids, not outdoor events, NOTHING gets in the way of "cleaning day, and church', unless it would be a gathering of her family, or friends.
Anyway...now that I have been washing my own jeans mid-week, she has started doing a load of my jeans every other evening, which puts me here, at the end of the week rewashing my jeans. (and hoping that I get everything back the way she left it, because there will be an inspection when she arrives).
NUTS! is what this life is, and what I'm becoming!