Nothing new... Constant calling and Voicemails...

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jenizen

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Re: Nothing new... Constant calling and Voicemails...
« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2016, 09:04:19 PM »
Stephoney,
Loved your post! So good.

I really appreciate your unabashed, straight approach to defining what relationships should be and what you will tolerate in your boundaries. Your words made me feel strong and really ok with looking out for what's right.

Yes, you are so right - why would someone who loves me want me to feel guilt? I never put that kind of crap on my daughter. Never. I never want a relationship based on manipulation which makes her feel "bad". I want to have a relationship built on trust, respect, care. We have that. It's beautiful and so easy.

It is as clear cut as that. It just is.
Life is short.We only have one which is truly our own. As an adult I get to choose how to tick the seconds, minutes, hours and years away. I get to surround myself with the people who make it good. I also get to remove influences which make it suck. I know damn well that I will reap what I sow and I'm good with that.

This  life is not a rehearsal "to get right the next time". We need to find a way to live whole and happy now.
I certainly don't want to get to the end and say "I wish I was happier.  If only I could have done more for that person who made me feel so lousy".

The further away from other's bad intentions - the better I feel.
I'm fully living my own life for the first time in 50 years and it is just right. Just as is should be.

Lovingheart, I'm thinking... what if you could carve out rules/boundaries for yourself like you would for someone else that you care for like a child or a furkid? Think of yourself/child-self as another being you are responsible for taking care of and apply the same standards. Sometimes I find that is just the ticket for me to evaluate my behaviour / boundaries and be just fine with it.

As always OOTF community - thanks for the great topic and feedback.
My posts here are just thoughts & opinions based on my personal experience.  After so long in FOG I'm honouring & accepting me & all of my emotions in my process. Peace & healing on your unique journey. (bipolar, schizo-affective, N,BPDMother & Covert N enFather & 2 B's living with schizo-affective)

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stephoney

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Re: Nothing new... Constant calling and Voicemails...
« Reply #21 on: March 09, 2016, 02:24:01 PM »
Im so glad i could help you. I learned in my early 20s that some things are right, some are wrong. And it didnt take long after i got out in the world that what my parents were doing is wrong. My parents determined that i was being difficult, but i didnt care. I knew what i expected and i was going to get it or they could leave. I had my boyfriend which became my husband and he loved me. My grandparents loved me. Before my father passed, he apologized to me. It meant a lot. My mother was the true villan. She has never said she was sorry. She hurt and villafied us all. By the time i was 21 i felt little compassion for her. I was civil to her for my dad and grandparents. They are dead now and i think BPD mom realized then that her protection from me was gone. I call it like it is. Im good to my FOC and i put up with nothing from her. She has all the money she stole from daddy and grandma, but i have my family.ive let her know her BPD way wont fly with me and i havent seen her in 8 years. We are NC and i hope it stays that way. No regrets and i wont go to her funeral. Im a lot of things, but a hipocrit is not one of them.mommy dearest now knows that, although she pretends she has no idea why?

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SunnyandBright

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Re: Nothing new... Constant calling and Voicemails...
« Reply #22 on: March 09, 2016, 05:01:48 PM »
lovingheart - I've gone through and read a lot of your posts.   You are so wise for someone so young!  I hope that as time goes on, you feel even more confident and sure of your decision.   All the guilt they try to throw on you --- it's all "me, me, me, me me"  for them.   They want you to "come home."   Why?  Because you're better off at home?  Or because THEY will be better off if you are back at home.   You ARE home, you are an adult, and where ever you live now is your home.   

The decision you will have to come to as you get older, get married, etc is -- will you ever want them in your life at all, even a small part of it?   I'm not sure you will ever be able to.  At what age must you be, before they don't think you should "come home"?  At what age must you be, before they don't think they have the right to send you text messages demanding that you do stuff for them?   Once you are married, will they treat you different/better?   

I doubt there is an age, or even when you are married.   I feel that your mother will still be full of insults.   The thing is -- her insults towards you your whole life said way more about herself than they ever did about you.  She wanted to reassure herself that she was "better" -- she weighed less at your age, whatever the case may be.  She is envious of you, your life, your young beauty, and all your possibilities in your life.   She wants to limit your possibilities.   She wants to stamp out your potential.   
She wants to keep you down - where she can control you.   But you realize this already - at such a young age!   Thankfully!   

I think your sister lacks the strength to break away herself.   But she feels the pressure, too.   Now she has more pressure.   She can leave too - but she doesn't want to work that hard -- so her other alternative is to get you back, so you can share in some of that pressure, so she doesn't have to have it all.   That's very selfish on her part!   A family that loves you would want what is best for you --- it seems like your entire family wants whatever is best for themselves.  They think they are all working together to make each other happy, but that is so not the case.  They are all working toward keeping life peaceful for themselves.   You've made that more difficult on all of them, by leaving.   If any of them had any emotional health, they would either fight to change things -- or they'd leave too.  But they are so busy just trying to keep things smooth and pretend that everything is good, and everyone gets along.   I am so happy for you that you got out of this dysfunctional life, and this family that was and still is fighting to keep a hold on you - to keep you a prisoner in their "unit."   A family should be where you want to be -- not a place where they are doing everything to hold you down, hold you back, and trying to keep you from ever growing, changing, leaving.     
You don't owe any of them a damn thing.   You have one life, and you owe it to yourself to do what makes you happy.   They should have been doing this for you, as their child --- and not just waiting around until you got older, so then you could do things for them, and then try to make you feel obligated and like it was your job.   
I hope things get easier for you, as time goes on.   It's tough to not have the family we wish we would have, but once we acknowledge that is the case, then we have a better chance of finding our place in the world.     Good luck!   

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stephoney

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Re: Nothing new... Constant calling and Voicemails...
« Reply #23 on: March 09, 2016, 08:59:06 PM »
One other note about my mother. She was diagnosed BPD many years ago, however, she has definate antisocial PD traits. She is agressive, violent and has threatened me, my husband, my grandparents and coworkers in the past. Because of this, i justify never having contact and my fear of her will forever outweigh any other emotion i would ever have towards her.

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Snowwhite79

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Re: Nothing new... Constant calling and Voicemails...
« Reply #24 on: March 10, 2016, 04:21:23 PM »
I too am dealing with the same situation - NC with NF but get constant calls and voicemails.  I go through waves of guilt and then waves of confidence.  Another poster wrote on one of my recent posts that if they commited physical or sexual abuse that you wouldn't even feel guilty for going no contact.  It's the emotional abuse that makes it harder.  The fact is, they are abusers and you don't want to live with the abuse any longer.  You have the right to make any choice you wish.  It is your life.  You don't owe them anything.  I find it helps me a lot to talk to friends as well as keep reading this board, posting and researching articles and blogs online.  I am constantly learning new information that helps me.  I am going on 1 year of NC and I cannot say it has really gotten any easier.  But I am not willing to jump back into the cycle of abuse again either.  I hope the process one day does get easier and all of this work on healing pays off.  Sending you best wishes from someone who understands!!!

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Elsbeth

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Re: Nothing new... Constant calling and Voicemails...
« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2016, 12:54:06 PM »
In the beginning of my journey, I often forgot that I could change my mind. For example, I felt like I had to choose either normal contact or low contact, forever and ever and ever. You are allowed to ask for a "time out" right now to think, process, heal, calm down. You can explain your reasons as much or as little as you want. Your family's response to your request (should you choose to make it) would tell you a lot about their ability to respect your wishes.

allowed to ask for a break ... THAT is something I may follow up on with my PDm ... it kinda worked in the weird way I did it with one sibling (long story short - that sibling sent me a fb msg asking why i disowned the family - that was the message. and it was the first message / fb contact in months from this sibling. I laughed and sent back, i am choosing to love from afar. Oh and yeah, that sibling "de-friended" me on fb.) Maybe i need to find the courage and words to do this with the PDm ... I just hate the startled with the calls to my cell phone. But gratefully a cellphone can send to voicemail so easily.

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BrokenDollMagnet

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Re: Nothing new... Constant calling and Voicemails...
« Reply #26 on: March 17, 2016, 10:01:06 PM »
I am there right now. I got an email from my enabling mother a few minutes ago at work and I am awash with guilt, anxiety, and indignant anger.

I won't give in, though. I have been gaslighted and used as a scapegoat for most of my life. No more. Sent her a letter reiterating my position, and I am blocking her email. I love her and wish she acknowledge the suffering she and her children experienced. But I sure as hell don't deserve to be gaslighted, manipulated and treated like a venomous lunatic.

And neither do you. Stand tall!

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Liz1018

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Re: Nothing new... Constant calling and Voicemails...
« Reply #27 on: March 19, 2016, 04:26:36 PM »
Oy .... More of the same :

Got back to back sad "we miss you" voicemails from both parents today. He called first and left a message, then her.

I guess I am lucky they don't call every single day but every friggin week is enough for me to go bonkers.

Thinking of just changing my number. Anyone had success with getting blocked numbers unable to leave messages on iPhone 5?

Wondering if I change the number if that will give me freedom from these sad, manipulative messages or if they will really freak out and fly up here unannounced? 

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lovingheart

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Re: Nothing new... Constant calling and Voicemails...
« Reply #28 on: March 28, 2016, 12:03:57 PM »
Thank you so so much for your responses... It's been a hard time for me lately...

lovingheart - I've gone through and read a lot of your posts.   You are so wise for someone so young!  I hope that as time goes on, you feel even more confident and sure of your decision.   All the guilt they try to throw on you --- it's all "me, me, me, me me"  for them.   They want you to "come home."   Why?  Because you're better off at home?  Or because THEY will be better off if you are back at home.   You ARE home, you are an adult, and where ever you live now is your home.   

The decision you will have to come to as you get older, get married, etc is -- will you ever want them in your life at all, even a small part of it?   I'm not sure you will ever be able to.  At what age must you be, before they don't think you should "come home"?  At what age must you be, before they don't think they have the right to send you text messages demanding that you do stuff for them?   Once you are married, will they treat you different/better?   

I doubt there is an age, or even when you are married.   I feel that your mother will still be full of insults.   The thing is -- her insults towards you your whole life said way more about herself than they ever did about you.  She wanted to reassure herself that she was "better" -- she weighed less at your age, whatever the case may be.  She is envious of you, your life, your young beauty, and all your possibilities in your life.   She wants to limit your possibilities.   She wants to stamp out your potential.   
She wants to keep you down - where she can control you.   But you realize this already - at such a young age!   Thankfully!   

I think your sister lacks the strength to break away herself.   But she feels the pressure, too.   Now she has more pressure.   She can leave too - but she doesn't want to work that hard -- so her other alternative is to get you back, so you can share in some of that pressure, so she doesn't have to have it all.   That's very selfish on her part!   A family that loves you would want what is best for you --- it seems like your entire family wants whatever is best for themselves.  They think they are all working together to make each other happy, but that is so not the case.  They are all working toward keeping life peaceful for themselves.   You've made that more difficult on all of them, by leaving.   If any of them had any emotional health, they would either fight to change things -- or they'd leave too.  But they are so busy just trying to keep things smooth and pretend that everything is good, and everyone gets along.   I am so happy for you that you got out of this dysfunctional life, and this family that was and still is fighting to keep a hold on you - to keep you a prisoner in their "unit."   A family should be where you want to be -- not a place where they are doing everything to hold you down, hold you back, and trying to keep you from ever growing, changing, leaving.     
You don't owe any of them a damn thing.   You have one life, and you owe it to yourself to do what makes you happy.   They should have been doing this for you, as their child --- and not just waiting around until you got older, so then you could do things for them, and then try to make you feel obligated and like it was your job.   
I hope things get easier for you, as time goes on.   It's tough to not have the family we wish we would have, but once we acknowledge that is the case, then we have a better chance of finding our place in the world.     Good luck!   

SunnyandBright, thank you... Things are slowly but surely getting a little easier but other family members aren't helping... Typical though.
Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.