Announcing pregnancy

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ootf12345

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Announcing pregnancy
« on: March 02, 2016, 01:37:33 AM »
Not sure which way to go. I'm due to announce my pregnancy soon (FX that my results go well).

I have two options and obvious nMOM that i am NC with will find out no matter what.

1. Blanket announcement on FB (after telling a few close to us prior to that).

2. Privately start telling people.

Obviously the 2nd option means that it may take longer to get to her.
I'm not going to ask people to keep it from her.

I think I'm more leaning towards number 1. We usually would announce like this (ie wedding, new house etc).
I think this may be the one thing that will razzle and get a response out of her. I'm not too sure what to expect.

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kiwihelen

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2016, 01:52:07 AM »
You can choose how to announce and how to respond if she does decide to communicate. Question I have - how will you feel if she doesn't respond?

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daughter

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2016, 11:31:56 AM »
If you're NC, then you remain NC even when you're pregnant.  And remember, pd-disordered parents become pd-disordered grandparents; their dysfunction and damaging persona continues unabated, but will eventually affect your children too, if you allow them access to do so.  Many of us older adult-daughters of npd-parents presumed our parents would be "better and nicer", given grandchildren in the mix, and soon learned that the same bad behavior patterns, inappropriate expectations and selfish demands, and malice-filled methods were eventually applied to our children.  Same meddling.  Same splitting of children.  Same bad-mouthing of children.  Same ridiculous behaviors around our children.

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footprint

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2016, 02:41:05 PM »
As long as you're NC and she's not on your FB, I don't see anything wrong with an FB announcement if you would like to do it that way.  You could also let people know more privately if that feels better for you.  She will find out about your pregnancy either way and she will use the fact that you're not telling her about it against you, so be prepared for that.  These things are so hard because PD parent inevitably make our special days about themselves and try to ruin these important events for us in some way. 

Having been through quite a bit with my own PD parents, especially surrounding my pregnancies and the births of my children, I feel that it's best to maintain NC throughout, regardless of what PD parents and their proxies say.  The most important thing of all is to focus on you, your baby, and your partner during this time, and to try and find supportive people (these could come in the form of a yoga instructor, a doula, a birth group, etc.---basically, people who understand the importance of a mother's well-being during pregnancy and birth).

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VividImagination

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2016, 04:30:48 PM »
How, when, and where your mother finds out about your pregnancy is frankly not any of your concern. Her reaction isn't your concern. It's her stuff, not yours.

Do what you would normally do. She's going to do what she's going to do anyway, and trying to control her reaction by planning how or when to do things isn't healthy. What is the worst thing she can do? Get mad at you for not giving her a personal announcement? Um, you're NC...it should already be obvious to her that she isn't a part of your life, and your pregnancy doesn't change anything.

They tend to find these things out regardless of what you do or say. I got pregnant a few months before my NM's death and didn't change how I approached things. You can't live your life based on how other people might react.

And by the way, congratulations!
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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gettingstronger

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2016, 06:06:02 PM »
Congratulations on your pregnancy.  What a happy time! :)
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...  It's about learning to dance in the rain. - Vivian Greene

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Lupine_Blackfeather

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2016, 12:58:13 AM »
I had this same dilemma when I became pregnant- still am but am due to deliver in a month.

I didn't announce anything on facebook just because I don't use facebook that way and also my NPD mum isn't on my friendlist so it wouldn't have mattered if I did... but I was pretty scared at first, especially because the pregnancy made me feel weak- unfortunately the first trimester was reallllllly tough because depression came and donkey punched me in the face with my adjusting hormones and general feeling sick and unpleasant (I hope you don't have to go through this, but if you do, boy do I have some stories and my own experiences to share with you!)

I didn't share the information with any friends I knew were in contact with my mum- I've been NC for over a year and my circle of peeps don't know my mum for the most part so keeping information away from her has been easier... but there were still family friends that I wanted to connect with and feared the information leaking back to NPDmum.... I told them very earnestly that I was pregnant... and married haha... and that I would appreciate if they didn't pass the information along. I told them that the pregnancy was a lot to handle already and I didn't want any added stress...

For the most part they were respectful but they did get on the whole "she's your mum and you should probably tell her" ... which is hugely frustrating... and I politely told them that I would consider it after the birth, but right now I need to focus... I was also finishing my bachelors at the time, so again, I got leeway from them.

But now that the baby is almost here, honestly, I don't give a fuck if she finds out, excuse my being crass. And I'm not going to tell her, despite the urgings of family friends, I have my own way of politely though firmly dealing with them... but with my mum, so what? I'm not as terrified as I was... I recognized that she is only human and not some hellbeast that will seek me to the ends of the earth and devour my soul.... Although, during the earlier parts of my pregnancy I really did not have the strength to deal so I do understand your fear even though you're NC... there's this horrible fear that she'll just... find you... she'll end up on your door and you don't feel strong enough to deal. Don't worry, it probably won't happen. And you know what? If she does end up on your door... you can close it and even call the police... you're pregnant and that basically means that if someone is distressing you, you DEFINITELY have the right to have that person removed... and more often than not, people will understand... even though those same people think you should still talk to your mum and see your mum... amazingly when you say I'm pregnant and I need the space they suddenly become very understanding... It might feel like a cheap way out, but trust me, sometimes it's worth using your pregnancy to get away from unpleasant people and situations if you don't feel strong enough to deal with them... because you may not, you may find you get hit with depression like I did and feel like total crap- I really hope you don't, but if you do, take a breather and if it helps, if you can't at least not expose yourself to that kind of trauma, think about your baby and how much you want to protect them... you may find the strength you need from that.

If you have any other concerns... I'm all ears, and if you have any other questions... I got answers, at least, I can tell you my experience so don't be afraid to reach out!!
« Last Edit: March 03, 2016, 01:02:47 AM by Lupine_Blackfeather »

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ootf12345

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2016, 09:08:19 PM »
You can choose how to announce and how to respond if she does decide to communicate. Question I have - how will you feel if she doesn't respond?

I'll be disappointed of course. But at the end of the day, she's not going to change and I don't want that kind of behaviour around my family.

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ootf12345

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2016, 09:11:39 PM »
If you're NC, then you remain NC even when you're pregnant.  And remember, pd-disordered parents become pd-disordered grandparents; their dysfunction and damaging persona continues unabated, but will eventually affect your children too, if you allow them access to do so.  Many of us older adult-daughters of npd-parents presumed our parents would be "better and nicer", given grandchildren in the mix, and soon learned that the same bad behavior patterns, inappropriate expectations and selfish demands, and malice-filled methods were eventually applied to our children.  Same meddling.  Same splitting of children.  Same bad-mouthing of children.  Same ridiculous behaviors around our children.

I don't plan on breaking NC at all. I just suspect she will get wind of the news and it may cause her to finally react. her newest vandetta against me is that she's telling people I'm keeping her future grand kids from her... (even though she told me she never wishes to know them and hopes that my own kids will hate me).
I completely agree.. she will cause more issues as she think she has a right. She has that feeling of entitlement, like in how she wanted to control my wedding planning.
I'm sorry you learnt the hard way :-(
I suspect a few FM will come out of the mix.. not necessarily doing her bidding, but I'm sure some family friends will put the pressure that she should know her grandkids and i "should" involve her! those people will be dead to me if they try such a thing. most of those people actually have said "you don't want a person like that around kids". let's hope now that it's a reality, they stick behind that.

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ootf12345

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2016, 09:22:08 PM »
As long as you're NC and she's not on your FB, I don't see anything wrong with an FB announcement if you would like to do it that way.  You could also let people know more privately if that feels better for you.  She will find out about your pregnancy either way and she will use the fact that you're not telling her about it against you, so be prepared for that.  These things are so hard because PD parent inevitably make our special days about themselves and try to ruin these important events for us in some way. 

Having been through quite a bit with my own PD parents, especially surrounding my pregnancies and the births of my children, I feel that it's best to maintain NC throughout, regardless of what PD parents and their proxies say.  The most important thing of all is to focus on you, your baby, and your partner during this time, and to try and find supportive people (these could come in the form of a yoga instructor, a doula, a birth group, etc.---basically, people who understand the importance of a mother's well-being during pregnancy and birth).

I suspect she will use it against me to start a smear campaign. I've even mentioned to my hubby that I'm considering keeping my baby shower very private and not inviting those I grew up with (and are currently apart of her life). At least, not unless they make an effort to want to be in my life or know the baby. I suspect I won't hear from them. Maybe just a congrats.

She's blocked on FB, so she can't see me. If I tag my hubby - she won't see it, because it's my post.  At the end of the day we have about 30 mutual FB friends, so she will find out quickly. Those not clued in will congratulate her etc. i suspect my sibling will tell her the moment i publically announce. He has kept my prior pregnancy and losses from her though. But in the end I didn't hide my losses as there was nothing to be ashamed of.

I think after my final call with her "Goodbye! I don't need this crap in my life" she was the one who threw the first punch. She didn't invite me to her milestone birthday. My prior visit to her, she was talking about it, but never formally invited me. That's where I just knew things were goign further down hill as I had spoken to a few people who "filled me in" on her thoughts of my wedding and my relationship with my husband. She apparently didn't want to come to my wedding, and when she did, she spent the whole time badmouthing everything about it. Day one since my engagement, she made it about her. it was one year of her getting upset over nothing. So she's the one who has basically ruined the milestone events and the ones since NC, not heard a peep.

Going forward, I will continue to block her in every way possible. the only way that isnt is her phone number. But if she calls from an unlisted number and I answer, I will hang up the moment I realise it's her.

The reason I went NC was for the health of my family. The health of my husband and creating a positive environment for my future kids. That has not changed for me. We have had amazing support from his side of the family. We're a little scared because his family don't live close.. but we can do it!!

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ootf12345

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2016, 09:24:33 PM »
How, when, and where your mother finds out about your pregnancy is frankly not any of your concern. Her reaction isn't your concern. It's her stuff, not yours.

Do what you would normally do. She's going to do what she's going to do anyway, and trying to control her reaction by planning how or when to do things isn't healthy. What is the worst thing she can do? Get mad at you for not giving her a personal announcement? Um, you're NC...it should already be obvious to her that she isn't a part of your life, and your pregnancy doesn't change anything.

They tend to find these things out regardless of what you do or say. I got pregnant a few months before my NM's death and didn't change how I approached things. You can't live your life based on how other people might react.

And by the way, congratulations!

I guess it's not healthy worrying about it.
it's not like it will be a big secret anyways. It WILL get to her and she will react in what ever way she is... either continue to smear campaign me or escalate. Her problem though.
I guess I just don't want the smear compaign to be immediate after annoucement. I kind of want to ENJOY that bliss before/if it happens.

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ootf12345

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2016, 09:26:18 PM »
Congratulations on your pregnancy.  What a happy time! :)

Thanks. it's a rather anxious time at the moment. We have had 3 losses last year.
We are just waiting to get our prenatal screening done to find out if we have a healthy bubba.
We have a huge protective barrier up and we really miss the naivety of pregnancy. It's not really a happy time for us :-(

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ootf12345

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2016, 09:39:16 PM »
I had this same dilemma when I became pregnant- still am but am due to deliver in a month.

I didn't announce anything on facebook just because I don't use facebook that way and also my NPD mum isn't on my friendlist so it wouldn't have mattered if I did... but I was pretty scared at first, especially because the pregnancy made me feel weak- unfortunately the first trimester was reallllllly tough because depression came and donkey punched me in the face with my adjusting hormones and general feeling sick and unpleasant (I hope you don't have to go through this, but if you do, boy do I have some stories and my own experiences to share with you!)

I didn't share the information with any friends I knew were in contact with my mum- I've been NC for over a year and my circle of peeps don't know my mum for the most part so keeping information away from her has been easier... but there were still family friends that I wanted to connect with and feared the information leaking back to NPDmum.... I told them very earnestly that I was pregnant... and married haha... and that I would appreciate if they didn't pass the information along. I told them that the pregnancy was a lot to handle already and I didn't want any added stress...

For the most part they were respectful but they did get on the whole "she's your mum and you should probably tell her" ... which is hugely frustrating... and I politely told them that I would consider it after the birth, but right now I need to focus... I was also finishing my bachelors at the time, so again, I got leeway from them.

But now that the baby is almost here, honestly, I don't give a fuck if she finds out, excuse my being crass. And I'm not going to tell her, despite the urgings of family friends, I have my own way of politely though firmly dealing with them... but with my mum, so what? I'm not as terrified as I was... I recognized that she is only human and not some hellbeast that will seek me to the ends of the earth and devour my soul.... Although, during the earlier parts of my pregnancy I really did not have the strength to deal so I do understand your fear even though you're NC... there's this horrible fear that she'll just... find you... she'll end up on your door and you don't feel strong enough to deal. Don't worry, it probably won't happen. And you know what? If she does end up on your door... you can close it and even call the police... you're pregnant and that basically means that if someone is distressing you, you DEFINITELY have the right to have that person removed... and more often than not, people will understand... even though those same people think you should still talk to your mum and see your mum... amazingly when you say I'm pregnant and I need the space they suddenly become very understanding... It might feel like a cheap way out, but trust me, sometimes it's worth using your pregnancy to get away from unpleasant people and situations if you don't feel strong enough to deal with them... because you may not, you may find you get hit with depression like I did and feel like total crap- I really hope you don't, but if you do, take a breather and if it helps, if you can't at least not expose yourself to that kind of trauma, think about your baby and how much you want to protect them... you may find the strength you need from that.

If you have any other concerns... I'm all ears, and if you have any other questions... I got answers, at least, I can tell you my experience so don't be afraid to reach out!!

Congrats on getting closer towards the end and seeing your baby soon!!!
We have always sort of announced things on FB. I am goign to head this way.
I guess I fear the proxies and FM more than her. I don't need that obligation crap from them!!  I suspect my own mother won't even contact me directly. it will give her more of a smear campaign, which in return will cause those FM to tell me that I should involve her.. *gags*
It's not been a great pregnancy so far. Sickness and anxiety whether or not we have a healthy baby or not. This is our 4th pregnancy in a year.. so 3 prior losses.
I guess I see this as a way to make my circle smaller and get rid of those ones who aren't good for me or my future babies life. I may have KNOWN them my whole life, but they're no longer a big part of my life now. They helped me thruogh going NC with my mother and understand that. I guess I'm prepared to cut those out who don't respect my decision (and that will include relatives).

How do you now deal with those family friends who urge you to tell her?

I suspect she won't end up at my door. She needs a couple drinks to muster up the energy to "abuse the shit" out of me. and being that drunk, it's phone calls or emails. her phone number isn't blocked, because I know it's unlisted. I am prepared to hang up if she does ring. My sibling can blow his head off too, so I'm prepared to just hang up on him as well.  He's been a little hit and miss. He hates being involved. Apparently she chews his ear off all the time. So this will put him in an awkward place.  My auntie, uncle and cousins aren't really part of my life. I hadn't spoken to them for 6 years until I got engaged and got the pressure from my mother to invite them (just to keep the peace with HER). the moment i went NC, my auntie was the most understanding and said "i know what she's like... protect your family and don't ever let her meet your kids until she sobers up".. i guess they're slightly in the fog with her and just think her alcoholism is the issue. It's more than just that! They've copped their fair share of abusive phone calls from her.

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gettingstronger

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2016, 10:15:34 PM »
Ootf12345,

I am sorry that this is not a happy time for you and that you are feeling anxiety.  I also had three miscarriages in a year. It was really hard for my husband and I as we faced that loss. I can relate to the fear you feel with this pregnancy. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers during this stressful time.  Please keep us updated on how you are.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...  It's about learning to dance in the rain. - Vivian Greene

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ootf12345

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2016, 12:14:26 AM »
Ootf12345,

I am sorry that this is not a happy time for you and that you are feeling anxiety.  I also had three miscarriages in a year. It was really hard for my husband and I as we faced that loss. I can relate to the fear you feel with this pregnancy. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers during this stressful time.  Please keep us updated on how you are.

Thank you. Appreciate your kind words. We will know in a week if things are ok!

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Lupine_Blackfeather

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #15 on: March 10, 2016, 03:24:09 AM »

Congrats on getting closer towards the end and seeing your baby soon!!!
We have always sort of announced things on FB. I am goign to head this way.
I guess I fear the proxies and FM more than her. I don't need that obligation crap from them!!  I suspect my own mother won't even contact me directly. it will give her more of a smear campaign, which in return will cause those FM to tell me that I should involve her.. *gags*
It's not been a great pregnancy so far. Sickness and anxiety whether or not we have a healthy baby or not. This is our 4th pregnancy in a year.. so 3 prior losses.
I guess I see this as a way to make my circle smaller and get rid of those ones who aren't good for me or my future babies life. I may have KNOWN them my whole life, but they're no longer a big part of my life now. They helped me thruogh going NC with my mother and understand that. I guess I'm prepared to cut those out who don't respect my decision (and that will include relatives).

How do you now deal with those family friends who urge you to tell her?

I suspect she won't end up at my door. She needs a couple drinks to muster up the energy to "abuse the shit" out of me. and being that drunk, it's phone calls or emails. her phone number isn't blocked, because I know it's unlisted. I am prepared to hang up if she does ring. My sibling can blow his head off too, so I'm prepared to just hang up on him as well.  He's been a little hit and miss. He hates being involved. Apparently she chews his ear off all the time. So this will put him in an awkward place.  My auntie, uncle and cousins aren't really part of my life. I hadn't spoken to them for 6 years until I got engaged and got the pressure from my mother to invite them (just to keep the peace with HER). the moment i went NC, my auntie was the most understanding and said "i know what she's like... protect your family and don't ever let her meet your kids until she sobers up".. i guess they're slightly in the fog with her and just think her alcoholism is the issue. It's more than just that! They've copped their fair share of abusive phone calls from her.

So... firstly, sorry to hear about the prior miscarriages... But a lot of women do miscarry the first time or so, and even when you have a healthy pregnancy, you still freak out about this! I miscarried when I was REEEEAALLY young which was a good thing, because that would have been a nightmare- and a story for another time- but it may have contributed to the success with this pregnancy, which was not planned by the by, but I love my hubby so we both decided to keep with it ^^

Anyhow, point being, even if you're having the healthiest pregnancy in the world, you'll still have these fears... And since you have had the prior misses obviously you're gonna be more sensitive- I would say USE THIS as ammo against those peeps who keep urging you, it might not be the best tactic, but if you don't feel quite strong enough to outright say to peeps. "No, I'm not going to contact mother and I need you to respect that decision" then tell them "Look, I've had a few miscarriages before and I just really need that space while I'm going through this delicate time"

I totally used that in the beginning while I was feeling weak :P and they would still round about and be like, "well, you should still tell her blah blah blah" but I countered with "That's fair enough, I just need this time right now to get through my pregnancy and deliver the baby before I can deal with talking to her right now" Funnily enough that shut must of them up... and gave me time to come to the conclusion and gain the strength to be like "Nah, fuck that. I'm not telling her shit"

You may still get peeps that pressure you, but honestly I would say my piece with those people and let them know if they can't respect your decision then you'll need to distance yourself from them too... And then the hard part is, you need to actually do it.

Really, the best way to deal with those peeps is to stand your ground, calmly and logically state your side and if they don't agree, be willing to put them on hold too...

It's not easy, but for me, it did get easier. And as I finally started getting towards the end of the pregnancy I started feeling stronger in my mind and soul-

I'm sorry you're dealing with all the sickness and worry, I felt like colossal shit for the majority of the time, I even got some really hideous suicidal thoughts and uber depression... which I think I mentioned... but know, for me at least, that did pass, and as time went on the more I felt like I have done the right thing by keeping my distance from NPD mum..

I hope this helps, and I hope you're able to stay strong! As shitty as you feel now you CAN get through this, even if you feel like shit.... Remember... you survived an entire childhood with your mum, you can get through this, you're a gawd damn superwoman even if you feel like crap.

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ootf12345

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #16 on: March 16, 2016, 03:52:00 AM »


Anyhow, point being, even if you're having the healthiest pregnancy in the world, you'll still have these fears... And since you have had the prior misses obviously you're gonna be more sensitive- I would say USE THIS as ammo against those peeps who keep urging you, it might not be the best tactic, but if you don't feel quite strong enough to outright say to peeps. "No, I'm not going to contact mother and I need you to respect that decision" then tell them "Look, I've had a few miscarriages before and I just really need that space while I'm going through this delicate time"

I totally used that in the beginning while I was feeling weak :P and they would still round about and be like, "well, you should still tell her blah blah blah" but I countered with "That's fair enough, I just need this time right now to get through my pregnancy and deliver the baby before I can deal with talking to her right now" Funnily enough that shut must of them up... and gave me time to come to the conclusion and gain the strength to be like "Nah, fuck that. I'm not telling her shit"

You may still get peeps that pressure you, but honestly I would say my piece with those people and let them know if they can't respect your decision then you'll need to distance yourself from them too... And then the hard part is, you need to actually do it.

Really, the best way to deal with those peeps is to stand your ground, calmly and logically state your side and if they don't agree, be willing to put them on hold too...

It's not easy, but for me, it did get easier. And as I finally started getting towards the end of the pregnancy I started feeling stronger in my mind and soul-

I'm sorry you're dealing with all the sickness and worry, I felt like colossal shit for the majority of the time, I even got some really hideous suicidal thoughts and uber depression... which I think I mentioned... but know, for me at least, that did pass, and as time went on the more I felt like I have done the right thing by keeping my distance from NPD mum..

I hope this helps, and I hope you're able to stay strong! As shitty as you feel now you CAN get through this, even if you feel like shit.... Remember... you survived an entire childhood with your mum, you can get through this, you're a gawd damn superwoman even if you feel like crap.

Thanks for replying. Sorry about the delay in replying.
I'm not sure it's worth mentioning I'm at a delicate spot. it gives them an invite to later on ask about it again.
I'm already at a firm "you talk about her, you go byebye" spot. I just won't tolerate their crap obliging me to reconcile with her because it's her "grandchild".
I will stand my grand. The more i think about it.. the more I am prepared to cut them out.
I've decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.. so that they can get to know my child..but if they start about my mom, they don't get one warning. They're gone. They know the FULL history.

My headspace is getting better.
my pregnancy screening came back low risk and we found out the sex. I've gone retail shopping haha.
Im sorry that it ended up being a hard time for you.

Funny thing is, it was recently my nmoms bday.
A DAY later a family member reached out out of the blue to arrange a catch up with me..... hmmmmmmm fishing for information I bet!!!!!!

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ootf12345

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Re: Announcing pregnancy
« Reply #17 on: April 04, 2016, 04:54:03 AM »
So, we've done our official facebook announcement almost 2 weeks ago.
A few people off FB have found out through the grapevine, so no doubt nMOM knows.
Silence. So nice for me.
Hope it doesn't change.
I had someone hunting down my phone number because they wanted to congratulate me.
I passed on my phone number to them with the condition that talking about nMOM is off limits.
I am pleased to say that they did not mention her. If anyone was going to, it would be her.