4 Months into No Contact with Mother

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Souz

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4 Months into No Contact with Mother
« on: March 02, 2016, 08:55:18 PM »
I'm happy to have found a place for support, I look forward to getting to know some of you who have been dealing with similar things.  It's hard to know where to start to introduce myself or where I am at.  5 months ago, I started a blog to document my journey. 

I am trying to walk away from the most destructive relationship I have ever experienced.  When that title is owned by the relationship with a parent, walking away is heavier than anyone's imagination could bare.  It seems almost impossible to actually do it.  It is bogged down in guilt.  In all that I owe her.  In all that went wrong for her.  In all that made her life too hard to be able to love unconditionally.  In all the good times, which translates to guilt.  "Your brother doesn't have any complaints" "It couldn't have been all bad".  No, it wasn't.  But when it has been bad, it has been awful. And it was and still is awful a lot.  It has never truly ended.  I am about to turn 38.  I have a 3 year old.  I am now the mother.  I can't let the cycle continue.  The dysfunction.  The madness.  It has been so much madness.  I can't go through one more fight.  I can't defend my right to one more feeling or decision.  I can't see my daughter feel less safe and secure every time the energy in our home turns to one of survival and badly disguised emotional trauma.  I can't take worrying that if I draw a line and stick to it that she will take her life.  I need to walk away.  And this is sure to be the hardest thing I have ever done.   
« Last Edit: March 04, 2016, 11:26:08 AM by Bloomie »
Be brave enough to break your own heart - Cheryl Strayed

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guitarman

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Re: 4 Months into No Contact with Mother
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2016, 10:31:03 PM »
Hello Souz. Welcome you are not alone and amongst new friends here who have been through similar but different situations as yourself.

What you are experiencing is very familiar to me. It takes all our effort and resolve to maintain no contact. We do it to look after ourselves. We have to as no one else will. We have to look after our own well being first and that's OK.

I care but I just can't cope, I don't suppose many other people could either.


"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Lupine_Blackfeather

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Re: 4 Months into No Contact with Mother
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2016, 10:33:20 PM »
Hey!

Welcome, just wanted to extend the hello since you did in mine ^^

I posted and I do feel ya, walking away is really tough and there's a lot of barriers, internal and external but I do think you're on the right track. I'm hoping this forum helps me on my journey too! I'm about to be a mum, I'm turning 27 tomorrow! Woot woot ^^ but yeah, I don't want to continue the cycle, I want to love my child because they deserve love, not because I'm expecting to get a puppet of entertainment in return, ya know? And I'm having a lil girl, so I think it was fated that I get a chance at the mother-daughter thing, just the other way round.

Hang in there! Check out the forums, and good luck

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Souz

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Re: 4 Months into No Contact with Mother
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2016, 10:44:58 PM »
Aw, congratulations on your little bundle on the way!  Motherhood is truly amazing.  Experiencing a mother daughter relationship without the chaos and destruction is a gift. 
Be brave enough to break your own heart - Cheryl Strayed

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Lupine_Blackfeather

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Re: 4 Months into No Contact with Mother
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2016, 10:48:48 PM »
Aw, congratulations on your little bundle on the way!  Motherhood is truly amazing.  Experiencing a mother daughter relationship without the chaos and destruction is a gift.

Danke ^^

And hey, imma add you as a buddy if that's cool with you, think we might have some common ground that we can both benefit from

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JG65

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Re: 4 Months into No Contact with Mother
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2016, 03:00:32 PM »
Dear Souz,

Welcome!  I wish you all the best in your recovery. 

I've been NC with my father for 6 months now.  He was diagnosed with NPD 30 years ago, but it wasn't until last year that I finally yanked myself out of denial and realized his NPD was driving the crises in our relationship.  I've made a lot of progress since those very dark days. 

Hopefully, you've made some progress in understanding how narcissists use guilt to manipulate us.  My dad was very skilled at manipulation and he was particularly good at using money to manipulate. 

The sad thing is that I think he believes he was a great father because he took us on trips and bought us stuff and was, sometimes, generous with money. 

For me, going no contact was not the hardest thing I've done.  Instead it was having my father live with my family for 3 months while he was recovering from a medical crisis.  I was still in denial about his NPD.  It was beyond miserable.  When I started to fantasize about a way to commit suicide that would be the least disturbing for my family when they found me, I knew I was hitting the bottom.  I don't think I really would have done it, but I was in a very low place. 

I realize now that my love and sacrifice was never going to change him, but it was destroying me.  So as hard as going NC is, sometimes it is the only way to save yourself.       
Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences - Robert Louis Stevenson

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Souz

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Re: 4 Months into No Contact with Mother
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2016, 09:51:39 PM »
Thanks everyone for your words.  I found this site yesterday and all day today, I have been able to breath a little easier.  I feel just a tiny bit of freedom.  Every interaction I have had (and have read here) has been so warm - I really am grateful for a supportive space like this.  I almost can't believe I now have people to talk to who have experienced so many similar things as I have with my mom. 
Be brave enough to break your own heart - Cheryl Strayed