When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?

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Miss T

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When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« on: March 05, 2016, 06:56:29 AM »
Been almost NC for 3 weeks, LC for 2 months... She's starting to notice... But I'm not done digesting every realization and emotion that comes with going NC and SEEING things clearly.
I don't think she'll ever actually acknowledge the NC at this point... She's too preoccupied with protecting her own image of our relationship. So part of me wants to tell her I'm not too busy , I just don't want to talk to her. I don't want to get into the reasons, she's never been capable of self-awareness even when forced upon her. I just want to 'break up'. But I can't find the words or the right timing. And I wonder if I just think I want to tell her out of guilt or a sense of obligation, and if that's what's happening in my subconscious then I don't want any part of it.
Anyone been here?

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closure_with_clarity

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2016, 07:33:40 AM »
Hi Miss T, I can certainly relate to what you're going through, torn between telling her vs just fading into the back ground and NC land.

After years of trying everything and anything under the sun to get my toxic parents to acknowledge and change their gross behavior toward me, I chose to just fade into the back ground.

I did so because my unbpdNM is a drama queen that would have used written communication to further slander, smear, and proxy recruit the enmeshed people in the family against me.

My choice was also based upon all the times I tried over decades, just to be ignored, dismissed, and belittled. I was at the why even bother stage.

Do what works for you. View this NC period as a much needed detox to heal from the years of parental abuse and neglect. NC doesn't mean forever, for we are allowed to change our minds despite being conditioned by our dysfunctional  parents that we can't.

Further out you "may" want to put a toe back into the proverbial water after working on yourself...learning how to enforce and identify healthy boundaries, and becoming emotionally detached from their chaos and crazy making so you don't get triggered.

After 3 years of NC, I went VLC with my highly dysfunctional elderly parents last year. They haven't changed one bit, and are even more toxic in many aspects. I knew going back VLC and was 99.99% sure they hadn't changed. What changed was me. My ability to enforce boundaries and having become emotionally detached so I wasn't triggered by their drama and chaos making.

The choice varies from person to person. Do what feels right and authentic to honoring you and how you feel about walking back into the hornets nest called having contact with a toxic parent.



Let go of the people that dull your shine. Poison your spirit. And bring you drama. Cancel your subscription to their issues.  :)

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Bloomie

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2016, 05:40:43 PM »
Miss T - your are wise to go slowly and take some time and gain some distance from hurtful and abusive behaviors for yourself. I think of NC decisions with PD family members as a door that is closed, but unlocked. I can open it if I am ready/desire to, and even close it again if I don't like what I see on the other side of that door, or if it is more damaging and hurtful to open it.

This is especially wise words from CWC:

Quote
Further out you "may" want to put a toe back into the proverbial water after working on yourself...learning how to enforce and identify healthy boundaries, and becoming emotionally detached from their chaos and crazy making so you don't get triggered.

After 3 years of NC, I went VLC with my highly dysfunctional elderly parents last year. They haven't changed one bit, and are even more toxic in many aspects. I knew going back VLC and was 99.99% sure they hadn't changed. What changed was me. My ability to enforce boundaries and having become emotionally detached so I wasn't triggered by their drama and chaos making.

I have had a very similar experience in my NC journey with two family members. Even over time the only thing that had changed was me just as CWC relates was their experience, too.

I recently had an unavoidable encounter with one of the family members I have had NC with for 3 years after years of abusive and toxic behaviors toward me and my FOC had reached a crescendo. She has not changed one iota. Same behavior, same covertly/overtly bullying of others, same boldfaced lies, manipulative tactics, and histrionic acting out.

THE difference was I no longer carry it. I've set her issues and pointed attempts to harm me and those I love down. I refuse to pick them up ever, ever again. I also will say I have much less tolerance for this nonsense from her than I used to have. I can only handle about 90 minutes in her presence in a group of people (absolutely will not be alone with her ever) and then I just can no longer tolerate those behaviors. I think it is a healthy sign that I am no longer stuffing down and rug sweeping really toxic behavior and exposing myself to it over and over again.

Whatever you decide, you are learning and growing. You are healing and pursuing a pathway to a peaceful and healthy life. No one and nothing can take that from you as your eyes are now open and you are able to see more clearly what you are dealing with and make decisions based on what is best and right for you in your healing journey. 

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Miss T

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2016, 05:43:59 AM »
I think the hardest thing right now for me is that despite being a 100% sure I want no contact, I still don't believe it's actually possible. So even in NC, or VLC since I have responded to three emails in 1 month since trying to be NC, I'm still just waiting for a bomb to drop, whether it's because I make it clear I want NC or because I didn't make it clear. either way, it's never going to end.... Or at least it feels that way. And if announcing that I want NC could guarantee NC, I'd do it, but I think telling her will make her more determined, meanwhile by just fading away she can pretend all is fine and leaves me alone, until the inevitable visit... So do I tell her or fade out? I'm afraid Neither option will work

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daughter

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2016, 11:47:31 AM »
No point sending a "I'm No Contact" formal notice, that usually triggers an outraged "look at what a horrible person my child is/how dare you" response.  A normal parent would sense your silence after a month, and if unusual, call to say "is something wrong; have I upset you or is something else troubling you; let's talk". A npd parent expects their children to kow-tow to them, be outraged that "narcissistic flow" has been disrupted, and will either continue to "sit in silence, and stew" (my NBM) or begin furiously hoovering (my enabler-enforcer NF) with "how dare you's" (NF) with more invalidation and demand statements (my NF).  "Quiet repose" is often the best NC approach.

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moglow

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2016, 02:41:51 PM »
As has been pointed out, no matter how carefully thought out and worded, I suspect anything you put in writing can and will be picked apart and argued over. You can't control the outcome, her response, or who she chooses to draw into the situation. You can, however, manage your own response.

If you choose to send an email, do that - and *immediately* block her so you don't get a response. What she says, who she says it to, are not your problems. Then they decide how they want to proceed - still not your stuff.

Remember, you can choose at any time to simply not respond. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not easy to do, but unless you live in her home and are dependent upon her for financial support, you can and should do what you need for your own well-being. (Kinda hard to go no contact if you're in the same house.)

The decision to go no contact is never made lightly and it's not easy. Everyone I know who has, has simply reached the end of a very long rope and the knot has slipped loose. I have had periods of no contact that have been incredibly healing and peaceful, then questioned my sanity when I resumed contact. I've been very limited contact for several years now, and honestly I feel better overall when she's quiet for what's at reason. I call or visit when and if I want to, and that's all. But it took a lot to get me there, as I'm sure you understand.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Liz1018

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2016, 04:36:09 PM »
Miss T,

I was where you are right before Christmas. After 2 weeks of not hearing from me, her messages became increasingly agitated and "worried." In those two weeks I was freaking out about what to do. My health and work was suffering from the stress of trying to handle the situation. My therapist asked "Do you want to talk to her?" and I told her no. So she said I did not have to and that it was certainly ok to have my husband call her back and tell her not to call. Given the state of panic I was in, that was the most appropriate thing for me. He told her I did not want to talk to her and not to call me, him, our home, our business or anyone in our family. And that was it.

But of course in 3 months she has called and left multiple voicemails (despite my phone blocking her number, she is still able to leave messages somehow - I may be changing my number soon), sent packages and letters. I have not listened to any of the messages and threw away the mail. Yesterday I received a certified letter from her, which I refused. She is aggressive and not letting up.

So it seems that if you try to explain yourself it most likely will rile them more and put you in a vulnerable position. I took the advice of many here and just went SILENT. No responses to her whatsoever. Refusing the certified letter was the first "response" and I'm sure once she gets the letter back there will be some retaliation. So there is no perfect solution. Fading away has consequences, but I'll take them over any confrontation. My therapist and my psychiatrist both are shocked at her relentless trampling over my boundaries. And I trust the professionals.

I'm not sure how malignant or malicious your mom is, but know that unless she is the complete ignoring type, she will not go without a fight. I hope you have a good support system in place and are seeing a therapist. I don't know much of your story, but I am right there with you. I totally understand your predicament. This is a highly unusual situation to be in and this community is the only place where you will not be questioned in your decision, whatever you decide to do. My heart goes out to you and I wish you peace as you go along this journey.

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Miss T

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2016, 07:05:14 AM »
I did it. I responded to an email saying "I'd rather there was no communication for now. And for daughter as well"
It feels good
The aftermath hasn't been too bad yet either... But no self doubt. This feels too good for self doubt!

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Miss T

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2016, 04:29:15 PM »
Thank you ♡

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Bloomie

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2016, 05:31:42 PM »
Very well done! :hug:

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Miss T

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2016, 02:55:54 AM »
Immediate response was:
"I would like to know your reason why I can not communicate with (my daughter/her granddaughter)"
Followed by
"I think we both need to reflect and think about it. We all want the best for (my daughter/her granddaughter)."
I answered that it was my decision to make and that my daughter has already see too much unhealthy behavior.
She then thanked me for helping her understand.
Then today this:
I sent out gifts already last week but I will wait now.  A break is needed.
I love you mom"
Which I ignored
Does anyone know a way to block emails?
« Last Edit: March 21, 2016, 03:11:56 PM by Bloomie »

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biggerfish

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2016, 02:13:45 PM »

Then today this:
 
I sent out gifts already last week but I will wait now.  A break is needed.
 

Two comments on the above:
  • Witholding gifts is a laughably idle threat. Pretty pitiful and desperate. She has little ammunition, I'm thinking.
  • "A break is needed" is use of the passive voice. It's an attempt to distance herself from responsibility for her own decisions.

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Miss T

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2016, 03:52:38 PM »
I'm expecting it might get worse.

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Miss T

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2016, 06:28:09 PM »
There have been a few more emails last of which was
"Let's take baby steps. The first of which should be you apologizing for your temper. Please respond to this email. Please. Please."
I didn't respond and got message on Facebook, with a picture of a yogi saying being used as a way to tell me there's something wrong with me and not her, and she is trying to accept that.
It's almost funny it's so ridiculous.
As someone posted in a different topic, going NC without much of an explanation truly gives her the best gift I could I ever give her. Denial. She can blame and continue to believe in her righteousness.
I don't feel quite as guilty anymore.
And I feel capable of going forward longer with the NC, maybe forever.

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biggerfish

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Re: When How or Do I tell her I'm done ?
« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2016, 03:17:57 AM »
[quote author=Miss T link=topic=52049.msg471369#msg471369 date=1459628889
As someone posted in a different topic, going NC without much of an explanation truly gives her the best gift I could I ever give her. Denial. She can blame and continue to believe in her righteousness.
I don't feel quite as guilty anymore.
And I feel capable of going forward longer with the NC, maybe forever.
[/quote]

Miss T, You've turned a critical corner. Keep persevering. It will start to get easier now with time. Get in a new habit now of finding three things every day that make you happy and do them!