Am I reading this right?

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IAmReady

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Am I reading this right?
« on: March 09, 2016, 09:17:17 PM »
My uPD sibling (a younger sister) is getting married in May. I've written about my relationship with her in other recent threads.

My mother asked me if I would like to get my hair professionally done on the day of the wedding at a salon in a nearby town (it's a destination wedding) with her and my sister. It would be my mother's treat. I said yes.

My mother is not close with either of us - we've each expressed massive resentment towards her for childhood abuse and for being such a spineless enabler to my NPD father all our lives. My sister is very critical of my mother, whose codependent relationship with my father has prevented her from having any sort of authentic relationship with her children.

So, this being said, I was very surprised today when I get a long text message from my mother, telling me that I can't come along for the hair outing after all. She said that my sister had just announced (no doubt on finding out I was invited) that she wanted it to be her and my mother, alone. She (my sister) apparently justified shutting me out by saying that, whenever I eventually get married, I will do the same thing and have the same alone time with our mother (I would never care about such a thing).

I was surprised, firstly, that my sister was so invested in having alone time with a mother she's taken great pains to keep at arm's length her entire adult life. And secondly, I thought that if she wanted mother-daughter time to herself (something she never cared about before), she could have chosen some other time during the wedding weekend that didn't involve uninviting me (or any third person).

I felt stung by this exclusion, and have been wondering if my uPD sister is just trying to hurt me. She altered her behavior towards me six years ago after a traumatic event, and became unendingly petty, selfish and difficult. She's made a great display of shoving me out of her inner circle, and treating me with disdain and condescension. I can't help but wonder if this latest incident is manufactured to make me feel excluded and small - as though my sister is now seeking a closeness with my mother that she no longer cares to have with me.

I'm just wondering if I'm reading this right, or if the whole thing is innocent, and I shouldn't take offense?


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Scout

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2016, 09:52:50 PM »
It's rude and exclusionary to me, and paints both of them in an unflattering light (your mother is enabling unkind behavior again). 

I would give no sign that this was painful, as it will only serve as grist for the mill.   Deny them the excitement they want.

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Claudia

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2016, 10:01:49 PM »
I can't being to know why your sister and mother have done this too you.   One thing I have learnt is that guessing what other people's motivations are is pointless and just makes you depressed and send's you insane.  I do think however what they have BOTH done is absolutely horrible and for me it would be unforgivable.  No 'normal' mother would allow one of their children to treat their sibling like that.  No 'normal' mother would actively participate in that treatment.  I have children and I couldn't in my wildest dreams ever be involved in letting one of my children hurt the other in such a way.  The fact that your mother took it upon herself to text message you about it is unbelievable to me.  Not even a phone call!  What a coward, I would have said to my other daughter, no way, that is not acceptable to do that to your sister and I want no part in it.  It just shows how dysfunctional your mother must be in that she doesn't even know how wrong what she is doing is and that your sister thinks her behavior is fine too.  >:(

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IAmReady

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2016, 10:41:16 PM »
Thank you both so much for your replies.

This was my response to my mother:

"I understand. Don't worry about it. Thanks for thinking of me though."

Yes, text messaging me the news was spineless, and also note how the real demon of the piece was my sister, who hasn't communicated directly with me about this at all. She just got my mother to do her dirty work.

Being the pawn of a PD is a role my mother plays exceedingly well, as she's been doing it for the past 45 years, in being married to my NPD father. I don't know if at this point, she even recognizes toxic behavior for what it is. Her view of reality is no longer normal, as she's been sharing her life with a disordered person for so long.

All the same, I'm not really angry at my mother. I'm just disappointed in her. She is allowing my sister to treat me with incredible rudeness. My sister is the one truly at fault. It's just staggering to me that this is what our relationship has come to. We actually used to be close. The big realization of a lifetime for me was the day I figured out that my former, "close" relationship with my sister was actually the idealization phase of a PD. She idealized me. She mirrored me. When a traumatic event occurred in our family, she switched to devaluing me, and this is how it's been ever since.

I have a lot of anger towards our parents (NPD father and codependent/enabler mother who was asleep at the wheel for most of our childhood and teen years). I have vented my anger to my sister over the years, and she has mirrored it back to me, also claiming to have a lot of resentment and issues with our parents. Yet, when I'm not around, she courts their approval, and treats them like honorable guests who are high on her priority list. Such as suddenly announcing she wants mother-daughter time at her wedding.

It finally hit me one day that she's just mirroring me and my personality and opinions when she vents about my parents. When I'm not present, her behavior towards my parents doesn't reflect this attitude at all, and in fact she seems quite friendly and warm towards them. And when they're not around, it's lots of eyerolls and whispered criticisms to me of how much they drive her crazy.

Anyway, thank you again for your posts.

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Claudia

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2016, 03:32:31 AM »
IAMREADY I don't know the dynamics exactly of your family but it does sound a lot like mine.  Mine is potential Narc enabler mother to a NPD father with a GC sister.  I would just say that your mother (in my opinion) is more to blame than your sister.  Its a mothers job to be a parent and your sister, although old enough is a product of her upbringing.  Your sister thinks dis-inviting you is ok because you mother has allowed it to be ok (not that your sister is not at fault too).  I don't know what it was like in your family but in mine my GC sister was aloud to behave exactly as she liked towards me with never any consequences.  She was never taught to be nice to me and grew up being extremely jealous of me even though she was always the GC.  My parents just never taught us to be kind to each other.  I always was because that's my personality and I was a people pleaser but she has grown up to be NPD like my parents.  In any case it looks to me from what you have written in your post that your mother is doing to the both of you what mine has always done to my sister and I which is pitted us against each other so it means that she can have a 'special' relationship with us separately and it makes it more difficult for us to have a relationship with each other without her involvement.   Its just an observation from reading your post but I blamed my sister for a long time for her behavior until I started to really have a good look at my mother and how she parented us and then started to realize that a lot of the blame for my sisters behavior towards me really lies with my mother because my mother is emotionally very needy so always likes to feel like she is receiving 'special' attention from either me or my sister.   It seems in this situation that your mother can step back and say 'well that's what your sister wanted, I'm doing as she asked' when really your sister probably wouldn't behave like she does at all if your mother had never aloud that sort of stuff to happen in the first place and you had grown up with more 'normal' parents.   I don't believe even a passive enabler mother would be able to favor one of their daughters like that and hurt the other one, that is classic PD behavior.  When I started looking at my mother with more interest that's when I started to realize my mother was more than just someone who got pushed around by the Narcs around her.   Without talking to your sister you also don't know if it was your mother who put the idea in your sisters head to begin with. Of course I could be way off with all my interpretations  :stars:
« Last Edit: March 10, 2016, 03:41:23 AM by Claudia »

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Malini

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2016, 04:25:58 AM »
I'm just going to put this out there - when my SGB and I finally were able to reconnect, we began to share stuff that had hurt us about the others behaviour and found out that it was all lies. Lies fabricated by NM and EnF to manipulate us into believing our sibling had said or thought terrible things about us. Lies to divide and reign. My Narents couldn't bear the fact that we might get along, and I could never have believed a parent would want their children to end up mistrusting and hating each other.

So obviously, when I read your post, my first thought was that your M was lying to you about your sis not wanting you there and planting seeds of doubt and hurting you as well in the process as it's exactly what my Narents did.

Is there any way you could communicate directly with your sister about this?  It just sounds odd that your sis would suddenly want alone time with your Mom based on what you wrote - but it sure makes your Mom sound lovely 'one of my daughters just wants to spend this special time with meeee!'

It sucks, it's so hurtful and mean, whoever is behind it all. 

Since coming OOTF, I have learnt to 'consider the messenger' whenever stuff like this happens.

"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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Inurdreams

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2016, 10:36:26 AM »
I'm just going to put this out there - when my SGB and I finally were able to reconnect, we began to share stuff that had hurt us about the others behaviour and found out that it was all lies. Lies fabricated by NM and EnF to manipulate us into believing our sibling had said or thought terrible things about us. Lies to divide and reign. My Narents couldn't bear the fact that we might get along, and I could never have believed a parent would want their children to end up mistrusting and hating each other.

So obviously, when I read your post, my first thought was that your M was lying to you about your sis not wanting you there and planting seeds of doubt and hurting you as well in the process as it's exactly what my Narents did.

Is there any way you could communicate directly with your sister about this?  It just sounds odd that your sis would suddenly want alone time with your Mom based on what you wrote - but it sure makes your Mom sound lovely 'one of my daughters just wants to spend this special time with meeee!'

It sucks, it's so hurtful and mean, whoever is behind it all. 

Since coming OOTF, I have learnt to 'consider the messenger' whenever stuff like this happens.



I agree with this.  This is exactly what my NMIL would have done and has done similar things in the past.  NMIL cannot have her children getting too chummy with each other because she's afraid they will start comparing notes and see her for what she is so she will cause resentment between her children by lying about what one has said about another.

I also agree that a call or text to your sis to confirm what she actually said, if anything, to your mother may be in order.
Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

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IAmReady

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2016, 02:14:50 PM »
Quote
I agree with this.  This is exactly what my NMIL would have done and has done similar things in the past.  NMIL cannot have her children getting too chummy with each other because she's afraid they will start comparing notes and see her for what she is so she will cause resentment between her children by lying about what one has said about another.

I also agree that a call or text to your sis to confirm what she actually said, if anything, to your mother may be in order.

My father is actually the NPD, not my mother. My mother is a codependent who enabled his abuse and toxic ways when I was growing up, but on her own she has no history of lying/scheming/manipulating. She is a wimp, and is very used to being the pawn of a PD, which is why I believe she didn't resist my sister's orders to uninvite me.

My sister is the problem. For more history on her and our relationship, check out this thread:

http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=51414.0

This latest slap in the face is not really that surprising, when taken in context of how she (my sister) has been poisoning our relationship for years. Realizing that a lot of her unexplained nastiness and hostility overlaps with PD traits, has been enormously freeing for me, as I am no longer blaming myself for her behavior towards me. I am no longer in a state of dismay and confusion, trying to figure out what went wrong and why she's become so cold and hateful.

I've bent over backwards to try and repair my relationship with my sister, even convincing her to go to therapy with me back in 2013. I've tried to communicate in every way I know how, that she is important to me, and that the friendship we had was the most significant of anyone in my life. She was my best friend.

None of my attempts have made any difference, and things have been worse than ever. Finally putting the puzzle pieces together, and figuring out that her bizarre, unprovoked hostility towards me, is because she is likely PD (which runs in our family on both sides), has been the key for me to finally stop trying, and to start focusing instead on erecting boundaries and not allowing myself to be vulnerable anymore with her. This new awareness is what enabled me to take the high road and tell my mother not to worry about it, I understand, and thanks for thinking of me. I can't allow myself to be sucked into the drama, because if I do, I will of course be blamed for it.






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daughter

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2016, 10:47:46 AM »
I'd not take offense.  It's your sister's wedding, brides often morph into "bridezilla", and you note that neither you nor your sister have a good relationship w/mother.  Perhaps your sister thinks this is a last-ditch time to "bond w/mom", perhaps thinking that wedding protocol calls for last-minute "bride and mom" time.  This hair salon get-together seems contrived 'memory-moment" anyways.  I'd attend destination wedding, be a polite "no-issues" guest, enjoy festivities, and be careful not to tangle w/sister, no matter state of your relationship with her or how badly behaved she gets.   

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Dolphin

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2016, 08:36:59 AM »
IAmReady, decades ago, I could have written about many of these types of situations involving my uNPDmother and uBPDsister.  Trust your instincts.  I think its very wise how you're removing yourself from the drama.

Neither one of them, to my knowledge, has been officially diagnosed, and over the years, I too would have been cautious about the PD label.  Now that they are both older and have a much more clearly defined history of this kind of behavior, plus other events and symptoms, I believe most mental health professionals would diagnose my sister with BPD and most would say my mother had a chance to heal emotionally, but after a lifetime of thinking the way she does without intervention, she has probably crossed the line into NPD.

Looking back at our history together, I truly feel sorry for my sister up to a certain age.  I feel sorry that I wasn't a better sister to her and couldn't help her find solutions.  I have to admit, while she was being batted back and forth between my parents as one's SG and the other's GC, I was completely neglected.  So, while I was close with her, I had an underlying resentment about her.  I've accepted the fact that I'm only a year older than her, was going through my own bad childhood, and couldn't possibly have helped her.  As a young adult, she went through a traumatic event, got injured, and she changed for the worse.    Sorry I can't tell you about a better outcome for them. 


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mommabeans

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2016, 09:22:14 PM »
Personally, I think your mother should have asked your sister if she could/should invite you as well, before inviting you.  It would have saved the entire "uninvite" thing.   My mother has a bad habit of inviting people to do things without checking with the other people if it would be alright with them.    This irritates me because, to me, it shows that the whole idea had nothing to do with what we liked or wanted, and everything to do with what Mom liked and wanted.   

That said, I think just because your sister, up to this point, hasn't really made much effort in forging a tight bond with your mother, doesn't mean she can't want and try to have that now.    It's my personal opinion that your mother over stepped and was rude, not your sister.  Well, yes, she was, sister was rude to expect you to be uninvited, because, yes, it's possible that there could be many other opportunities to mother-daughter bond, just the two of them, another time, and she could have suggested that to mom after mom told her you were invited as well.    But, I think you mom should have asked her first if it was ok to invite you.  And I think that you should gracefully understand where your sister's feelings are coming from.  You stated yourself that they aren't well bonded, and if this could be the very thing that starts a beautiful mother-daughter relationship for them, then, if you care about either of them, and want them to have a good relationship for their sakes,  why would you stand in the way.....over a hairdo? 

I'm not disagreeing that your sister was rude to expect you to be uninvited, but consider that your sister wouldn't have had to, if Mom had just asked her first.   It is HER wedding, after all.   If Mom had just been polite and asked your sister, then you would be none the wiser, and this wouldn't even be an issue right now.

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seekingmediumchill

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2016, 04:19:48 AM »
Well done on stepping back, IAmReady. IMO they have both behaved badly, and it is tempting to want to know the truth, i.e., who said what first, why are they doing this? etc. but I have found this just leads to more drama, whereas the tone of loving detachment you have set with your message seems just right  :thumbup:

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movingforward2

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Re: Am I reading this right?
« Reply #12 on: April 09, 2016, 03:28:42 PM »
I think that you handled it very well and that you have every right to be hurt and upset.  I like the advice given to you about just going...enjoying the destination and distancing yourself from the drama. 

I also get the co-dependent nature of your mother with your sister and how frustrating that must be for you.  My mom isn't a pd either, but my sister has some major issues.  My mom doesn't exactly side with my sister, but she goes along with what my sister does because they live together and it makes her life easier.  My sister recently had a blow-up at my house for Easter and I told my mom that I wasn't going to have my sister over for Mother's Day, though my mom could come if she'd like.  It was no surprise to me when my mom indicated she'd feel badly leaving my sister behind on Mother's Day and although she understood where I was coming from, chose to hang out with my sister.  I'm not upset about it...I made a boundary that excluded my sister, but I'm frustrated that my mother doesn't stand up to her and tell her that she needs to get her act together.  I wonder if you feel like this a bit. Personally, I don't think it's normal for your sister to exclude you from a hair appointment.  It's mean and hurtful.  And...your mom could have chosen to say, I'm paying for it, I invited her, so she's going.