I feel like I'm kicking a puppy

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thoughtfulechidna

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I feel like I'm kicking a puppy
« on: March 10, 2016, 06:07:50 PM »
My initial post: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=52148.0

The past few weeks have been interesting, and I think it's because my STBXW has detected a change within me. As I stated in my previous post, I'm no longer letting her get under my skin (or at least letting her SEE it).

I've been absent mindedly waving her off, and giving little to no interaction with her when she's been upset, other than the small blow up the other night when I looked at her and told her that I wasn't scared of her. I met with my therapist on Tuesday, the same day I posted my first topic here. We discussed my change in mood in going from complete despair just last summer (work performance affected, etc.) to just not caring, and being in general a pretty happy guy. Went into some detail as to how I've changed the dynamic at home (taking the spear out of her hand, i.e. ignoring her) and he said that my change in mood is actually quite healthy and a sign that I'm at least emotionally moving on - great news for me!

I mentioned my fear of staying in the home during the divorce, to which he didn't have a solid answer, as he worked child custody cases prior to his time as a military doctor and stated that leaving would indeed give my STBXW a significant hand up, even if she is the less suitable parent.

ANYWAY, back on topic (my apologies!) but I'm ready to tell her that I will be filing for divorce. I'm unsure if I should file first and then tell her, tell her first and then file, or just file and let her be served without stating otherwise prior. She's been rather nice to me for the past few days, and when she has started to get irritated I've noticed that she tries to push it back under. Still no intimacy, etc. - I wouldn't let it happen anyway, I'm not having any more children with her and I refuse to take that risk. But she has been borderline "nice" and not a complete headache to be around.

But it's been like this before, she'll say or do something very mean and nasty, not apologize, and when I do become extremely upset (see: crying Air Force Captain, yes, men cry!) she backs down without apologizing and is extremely sweet for 1-2 weeks. (See: back/shoulder rubs, drinks brought to my home officer, etc.) But again: THERE IS NO APOLOGY. And after the 1-2 weeks of being "sweet" she slowly reverts to nasty and stays there for an equal, if not greater amount of time.

I know that when I do tell her, it's going to be like kicking a puppy. She'll ask me why I'm destroying the family, cry aloud, call her friends/family crying, etc. It's hard for me to want to tell her right now because she's being so nice, and a small part of me wants to instigate an argument so that I can feel justified AT THAT TIME when I say it. I know that I am indeed justified, it's just hard to feel that when she plays me like an emotional roller coaster and she's descending towards relatively normality. I have to get this done, and I want to do it in the next two weeks, as I know I can't get her into counseling again. She will eventually become nasty towards me after I tell her, perhaps within minutes or hours.

I can't keep going through this bi-weekly schedule of complete chaos followed by relative calm. It's as if I'm in the eye of a hurricane - I can see the sun and the blue sky, but on the horizon I see the dark swirling clouds coming back my way.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2016, 06:11:35 PM by thoughtfulechidna »

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hhaw

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Re: I feel like I'm kicking a puppy
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2016, 06:56:53 PM »
It was a mistake when I allowed my PD's conduct to control my reactions, when I filed, and how I presented myself.

I SHOULD have seen 5 or 6 good divorce attorneys, and chosen one, put together a good exit plan, and followed it no matter what my pd was doing.

If we think we can control them, we're kidding ourselves.  If we put any weight in what they're doing.... we're giving them power, and the chance to control us.

Leaving when you have all your ducks in a row, regardless of what the pd is doing could be your best plan.

In fact, I find it's better if we can limit the pd's words, and face time as much as possible.  Life is bebtter when we don't have to hear, see or feel their crazy, iME.

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Rocket Girl

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Re: I feel like I'm kicking a puppy
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2016, 07:19:23 PM »
What about when you or the kids are the PUPPY?   I'm sure she's kicked you plenty of times.  they dont have empathy.  don't worry, you won't hurt feelings they don't have.  just my two cents.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Imburntout

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Re: I feel like I'm kicking a puppy
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2016, 11:24:08 PM »
I feel your pain brother! I know how it feels to be the "BAD GUY" just remember all the times she rages at you and all the times that she controls what you say, do, or where you go.
it's not going to get better!
I kept telling myself that lie for 15 years and it has only gotten worse
When I filed for divorce I had overwhelming guilt even know I new she wanted out of our marriage and pushed me to the limit so many times that she eventually broke me.
I was super concerned with her being in our home after I served her. I waited till the last minute to tell her then I had her served within minutes
and left the home for the day with the kids. it was hard on her but it gave her time to think about her next move without taking it out on me and the kids
You need to prepare start putting back cash in a safe place a little at a time. do everything you can to make extra money scrap cans, mow some yards, anything to put away money when you think you have enough put back more because you are playing with fire.
talk to lawyers and ask as many people as you can who is the best lawyer for men in town.  always be recording her it can save you in court and possibly get you custody when you catch that one threat!
look into shrink4men website join the fourm on there they will not shame you for dealing with this and there is tons of advice and support to getting out of the land of crazy!   

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Sunny

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Re: I feel like I'm kicking a puppy
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2016, 01:08:25 AM »
Hi thoughtfulechidna...I saved some cash, got a credit card in my name, interviewed 3 attorneys, chose one and used every cent to retain her.

In my state, filing is really easy especially with a lawyer. You spend maybe 30 mins in the office signing some paperwork and they take it to the courthouse. Then you decide when to serve.

I was still in the home with my 16 y.o. DD, and I decided to wait a few weeks to serve. Unfortunately I had nowhere lined up to go, and it was a bit messy but things have sorted themselves out...in short, I was scared of my stbexh too. So scared that I hired an off-duty police officer at an hourly rate to wait in an unmarked car down the street from my  house. In addition, I paid extra (diverted a paycheck) to have the process server (hired person who delivers the divorce papers) to also sit in his car down the street.

Then I initiated a 2 hour long convo with Nh in our home. It got worse and worse as I said I wanted out, and he said something to the effect of "I HATE you to your CORE". I then walked out carrying a bag of trash, put it in the trash can, and got in my car and drove down the street. I stopped at the process server's car and told him to wait 20 mins (so it would seem as if I called him from on the road somewhere) and gave him permission to serve the papers. I then told the officer to go home.

It all went smoothly without physical violence which was my greatest fear, and Nh that evening (when I returned to the house, as I had not had enough money to rent a place in my expensive area!!) said he was moving out asap. I was totally relieved. I figured I'd stay in the family home and figure out a way to pay for it for 1.5 years til DD graduated.

However he did not leave!! Ever!! And multiple confrontations ensured where he again scared the crap out of me (once telling me he "thought I was dead" because he couldn't locate me for a  few hours...sheeshh!!!!), and another one where he FREAKED OUT when I put a deposit on an apartment while at work and he told me he was going to have me and my landlord thrown in jail for fraud. I called the sheriff on that one, and guess what, he stood his ground and laughed about it afterwards!!!! Joke's on me.

SO, I now have my own place, but have had to wait several months for the custody hearing. He has threatened my parenting rights if I take DD with me to my rental, so I stay at the family home in a separate room with the door locked a few times a week to not "abandon" her.

Take what you wish from my experience. I wish I had had a rental ahead of time. I wish I had had the courage to just take my DD with me, but I back down easily. Probably all this would have been moot if I had gotten a restraining order months/years ago over the mistreatment, and he would not have the right to be in the family home or parent as much as he does now.  However I think things will even out next week, stay tuned, and stay strong. You can do this!!! Best, Sunny

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RunningFree

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Re: I feel like I'm kicking a puppy
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2016, 01:56:52 AM »
thoughtfulechidna,
I think priority one is your daughter.  You are clearly the one who should have custody and if I were you I'd start with that.  And, to do that you need to talk to a lawyer and find out which approach for filing will put you in the best position for custody.  I don't think anyone here is going to be offering legal advice, and if they do it is not in your best interest to take it.
Also, before you do this, I'd recommend that you reconcile yourself with being seen as the Bad Guy here, at least in the eyes of some people.  The vast majority of people don't understand what it is like to live with someone with a PD.  You're not going to be able to completely control the messages that get out - people will only see the external signs of what happens.  Know that the important people in your life, the ones that truly care about you, will be there.
It might take some time for you to make arrangements and get yourself in order.  It's good you're seeing a therapist.  For me, that was key to accepting the guilt I was feeling and moving past it.  And, even though it could take some time when you're making plans and you have an end in sight it makes dealing with the craziness much easier to take.
And, you're right, as nice as she is now there's no reason to think anything has really changed.  When I interact with my wife now, it makes me smile a little (on the inside, anyway) when the crazy comes out.  It's a reminder that I'm on the right path.
You'll find your right path.  Just don't rush it and keep sight of the things and the person (DD) that matter most.  I give you a lot of credit for coming as far as you have and for having the courage to make things better.  I lived in the fog for more than 20 years.
Stay strong and keep moving
-RF
When going through Hell, keep going.

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Imburntout

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Re: I feel like I'm kicking a puppy
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2016, 03:07:51 AM »
I agree with Runningfool your daughter is number one in this!  I entered my divorce with my children in mind as the top priority.
Because if I have them every thing else that supports them will follow my will to make life a better place and more peaceful is because of them and I know that I am the best option for them all I have to do is prove it to a court!
Hopefully me saying your the "Bad guy" is not misinterpreted I have been blamed  our relationship for everything bad so I knew that serving her papers was never going to be seen by others on the outside as me protecting my family
I know you are feeling like your kicking a puppy and nothing we can say will change that.
No one could have ever prepared me for the guilt and fear I felt after seeing the records online for the first time that I was taking my wife to court.
After I closed the incognito tab on my computer I walked upstairs to our bedroom to get ready for bed it was the longest walk of shame ever!!
But it will get easier keep going to counseling. And get good legal advice interview as many lawyers as you can
your not kicking a puppy your stepping on a rattlesnake!

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Soulsearching

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Re: I feel like I'm kicking a puppy
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2016, 11:28:31 AM »
Hi, first of all I feel sorry you have to go through this. I'm in a similar situation with an Asian wife. Do you ever worry that your wife will try to move back to her own country with your daughter? That is one of my major concerns about divorcing.

Best of luck!

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thoughtfulechidna

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Re: I feel like I'm kicking a puppy
« Reply #8 on: March 26, 2016, 05:05:41 PM »
Hi, first of all I feel sorry you have to go through this. I'm in a similar situation with an Asian wife. Do you ever worry that your wife will try to move back to her own country with your daughter? That is one of my major concerns about divorcing.

Best of luck!

I don't believe they're allowed to if there is an ongoing divorce.

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hhaw

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Re: I feel like I'm kicking a puppy
« Reply #9 on: March 26, 2016, 09:29:28 PM »
When there's custody issues in particular neither party is to move out of State, much less leave the country. 

A letter from the parent not present at the airport is typically required when taking children out of this Country..... I've had to provide them when the children were small myself.... and it wasn't something I could shrug off.

Not that I'd put it past a pd to lie their way out of the Country with their child during a divorce..... provide a false document, etc.

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt