Desperate help needed with retroactive jealousy

[D.Danckwerts]

Hi everyone.

I am in serious need to help. I am in a gay relationship and my partner suffers from severe retroactive jealousy and the relationship has become somewhat abusive.

As per my recommendation, because I suffer from clinical depression, I recommended he see a psychologist to identify the problem and find solutions. Though some of her advice seemed ok (breaking up and taking a break - two things I'm trying to avoid) other parts seemed ridiculous (he sleep with other people, and we have a threesome together). We decided to maybe try our own action but things have spiraled and we've reached a deadlock position now. It's come to the point where he is considering a beak up because he is in CONSTANT pain about my past. He describes 'movies of images' about me in compromising situations with my ex boyfriends which drive him crazy. Many times now, he just bursts into tears. While upset, he often says things which really hurt me. AS an example, I've been told I disgust him before and that I shouldn't have been 'whoring' myself out. (for clarification I have only dated 3 people).

The nature of my past relationships is highly negative and is where my depression stems from. I was manipulated, used, broken, and then left. I reached a point where I swore I would be alone forever because I was not willing to put myself in the position again. My first ex, who took my virginity, broke me. Stupidly, and out of desperation, I had a one-night stand to try and overcome the pain. Obviously that only worsened the situation and I landed up medicated, and seeing a psychologist. Depression runs genetically through my family and this triggered mine in my late teenage years. Jump forward a few years and my best friend introduced me to a guy who was 'perfect.' Lonely, and desperate I fell for his crap. We were together for little more than a week and slept together once. I realized what he was all about and ended it immediately.

It was at this point that my current boyfriend came into my life. A bit of history:  we went to the same university and I would often see him but could never pluck up the courage to say hi. He had, at that point, not accepted himself and was dating a girl. I later found out they never slept together but did 'other stuff.' I have not asked what that entailed. Unfortunately though, because this guy is the guy of my dreams and I have little self confidence, I made some errors early on in our relationship. I tried to be over confident to hide my insecurities but also protected myself by not committing completely in the beginning. Just to put things straight, I never cheated on him but I had a dating app on my phone. I was never messaging anyone or anything like that. Anyway, as it turns out, I am the guy of his dreams also. But he has an EXTREME problem with my past and I don't know how to overcome this. I am DESPERATE for help.

It's reached the point where I no longer know what to say. I have never defended myself and always taken responsibility for my past mistakes. However, now when I apologize or say I wish I could relive and do things right, he says no I don't because "I was just horny and I wanted them and I got them." What do you even reply to that? He also says things like I was "whoring myself out" and that "I just couldn't wait to drop my underwear." These things obviously really hurt me because I have a lot of pain myself about my own past.

Anyway. It's reached the point where he broke up with me because "I deserve to be happy and he is constantly bringing me down. He will forever be unhappy and it's not fair on him." I begged and we are still together. But it's time for action. I have suggested a couples counselling session when I get back (I am currently overseas for work) but he refused because he says it is his problem that he needs to fix. He always says that this relationship has broken him and things like that. There is still so much good and happiness and I don't want to give up. I don't know if I can bring myself to cause my depression would then take over.

I'm very lost at the moment. I need help. How can I beat this retroactive jealousy? Desperately waiting for any replies.

[kiwihelen]

You can't. Everyone has a past and his lack of acceptance is not OK.
The psychologist "gave" unprofessional and unsafe advice, and I suspect that s/he suggested nothing of the sort and this is part of the boyfriend trying to gaslight you into believing you that you are the one with the problem.
If you are still struggling with depression through your meds, consider an med review as  you may do better on a different med.
His unwillingness to engage in couples therapy is telling. He doesn't want a therapist to see his abuse and call him out in front of you.
Abuse thrives on secrecy. Much of his abuse smacks of projection and I suspect he may not be telling you the whole of his past either...

[awakeningeagle]

Everything kiwihelen just said.  Everything.

That was my first impression...I would be very surprised if his therapist said anything of the sort.  That just makes no sense at all. My ex did that...would tell me things that her psychologist said that I knew were completely false (There are just some things that do NOT come out of the mouth of a psychologist, such as saying that she didn't know anyone who does couples counseling who she could refer us to. I mean seriously, if you are going to lie, at least try to come up with something believable!)

For the record, what you describe of your past- I cannot fathom why any partner would make a big deal out of that. That is beyond ridiculous.

[Scout]

You can't rewrite the past, nor should you (you have nothing to be ashamed of!) but if your partner can convince you that you *should* feel bad about not being a virgin, he will always have a go-to reason for being cruel to you. Very handy, isn't it? Always an excuse for verbal and emotional abuse. But it's not okay.  He's torturing you for a very modest past indeed.

He's being cruel and insecure.  HE has to change his outlook, whether that be through medication for intrusive thoughts and obsessions, or ongoing therapy or both, 'cause the past cannot be changed. 

I hope you stay with your therapy, too.  Depression is such a beast.  Keep your head up--you have done nothing wrong here, and have already gone above and beyond.   He needs to work on himself now.   You can stick around for that if to want to, but you are under no obligation.   You can decide internally how much time you will give him to normalize to a liveable degree, and see what happens.

[practical]

"An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party express strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way." Harriet Lerner

I'm very lost at the moment. I need help. How can I beat this retroactive jealousy? Desperately waiting for any replies.

I don't think this is jealousy at all, it is blaming, shaming, objectifying, denigrating you. So there is no way to beat it, he has to change and stop these behaviors, where he projects his feelings, his fears onto you. How secure is he as a gay person? Could it be that he somehow blames you for him being gay and it comes out in this weird, contorted way, where he tries to make himself feel better by putting you down?

Unfortunately though, because this guy is the guy of my dreams and I have little self confidence, I made some errors early on in our relationship. I tried to be over confident to hide my insecurities but also protected myself by not committing completely in the beginning. Just to put things straight, I never cheated on him but I had a dating app on my phone. I was never messaging anyone or anything like that. Anyway, as it turns out, I am the guy of his dreams also. But he has an EXTREME problem with my past and I don't know how to overcome this. I am DESPERATE for help.

You didn't do anything wrong. I know you don't want to break up, do you think you can take a time-out so you both have a chance to reevaluate what draws you to each other and also where the difficulties are? You may not want to hear this, but how can you be each other's dream partners if there is so much pain in your relationship? Believe me, I have been there with BFs, where I clung to the initial "he is my dream guy" and focusing on the good stuff ignoring all the pain till I hurt so badly I couldn't feel it anymore, I had gone numb from the pain. I looked at your Welcome Mat post and you mention codependency, could you be repeating this pattern in this relationship? A book that really helped me to get beyond my codependency in partnerships was Robin Norwood's "Women who love too much." I don't think it matters that it was written for women, my F read it and recognized himself.

I have suggested a couples counselling session when I get back (I am currently overseas for work) but he refused because he says it is his problem that he needs to fix. He always says that this relationship has broken him and things like that. There is still so much good and happiness and I don't want to give up. I don't know if I can bring myself to cause my depression would then take over.

A couple of things:
If he continues to refuse to go to couples therapy and also shows no signs of working on this on his own, he is unfortunately not trying to change and not really interested at working on your relationship.

Are you sure breaking up would make your depression worse? How much is the current situation contributing to your depression? Isn't there a chance that after the initial pain of a break up you might feel better?

I hope this doesn't read too much like tough love, my compassion is with you. Sending you strength as you sort through your feelings.

[SomethingElse]

Sounds like a narcissist.
LGBTQ people non exempt.
I should know too.