PDs and Hoarding???

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Liftedfog

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PDs and Hoarding???
« on: March 17, 2016, 08:24:01 PM »
Is this common?  Mine kept ALL his school work from elementary school.  Kept sport uniforms from when he was 12.  Kept a lot of his sentimental toys when he was a kid.  The pattern continued into adulthood.  He would replace a light fixture and keep the broken one and the empty box and manuals.  Doesn't throw anything out then would rage to me to find places for things.  The clutter would bother him but he never would make the connection to himself.  It was always my fault.  He would even stop me from throwing out my useless things.  He would keep phone directories that were outdated.  He has boxes of sotware still sealed on floppy disks!  Wont part with old electroniucs.  I could go on and on.  Is this related to a PD?  I'm faced with decluttering a house of 20 years by myself. He was evicted and missing in action. I'm so bitter.

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Mariposa

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2016, 08:58:39 PM »
sounds just like my ex. he has all his college stuff (papers, reports from 30 years ago). he also kept broken fixtures, parts of old things.  I was the one who physically had t leave the house. I can't imagine how he will unload stuff when he wants to move.  He had over 100 computer/electronic cords hung on the back of a door in the basement. The tool area was horrible. when I left he told me I couldn't take any tools ( we had triplicates of most major tools). at that point i wasn't going to argue. Eventually he would go through his clothes to discard things, but would box them up and put them in the attic. Occasionally on the sly I would get rid of things.  During the 20 years I lived with him, I think I looked at a lot of his issues as "separate", I didn't see the full picture.  It wasn't until I told an arms length friend that I was moving out and she mentioned the word personality disorder. I had never heard of it and googled it. Led me to this site. What an eye opener it was for me to see that other people were dealing with the same issues.  I didnt want people to know what was going on at home, so I never talked about it. I went to counseling for the first time after having left 2 years ago, the counselor said I have symptoms of ptsd after having been hypervigilant for 20 years. Just knowing that it's ok to feel like I feel gives me hope.  I wish I had put the pieces together years ago.

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twogrey

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2016, 09:16:22 PM »
Going through BPDm's basement last summer, we found a box of her maternity clothes on the top of the pile. She was last pregnant with me in 1961.

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Liftedfog

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2016, 09:19:29 PM »
Twogrey!!!  Are you serious???? It is definitely some kind of mental illness. Unbelievable.

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lookinginwards

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2016, 09:24:12 PM »
My stbxnh was terrible when we first met. He hoarded EVERYTHING. As time went on he got better with this but electronics were the absolute worse. He kept broken things with the excuse that he would reuse them or repair them. This never happened. How many of same cables do you need for 'just in case'?!

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Lady Baltimore

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2016, 09:39:55 PM »
Liftedfog, Creature Feature is definitely a hoarder, but nothing from his past, really.  When we met, he'd been living in a small room in an apartment for a year, and prior to that he'd been homeless.  When he moved in, all he brought were photographs from his past and his clothes, which weren't many.

Over the years, though, it became apparent that he had a problem.  He was an apartment painter/artist, and any garbage that looked like it could hold paint, i.e., empty yogurt cans, cookie tins, etc. he stacked up and kept.  All cardboard was cut up and saved for canvases.  He'd find styrofoam and things on the street and bring them home for the same reason.  We once were making animal-boned themed jewelry to try and make money, and even when the business failed, for the next five years he saved all the chicken bones from the meat he would eat.  (And we only used mouse/rat bones, so I don't know why he thought chicken ones were good.)

Long story short, the only room in the apartment he couldn't "touch," though he did, all the time, was my bedroom.  (For example, I once asked him to hang a bunch of roses he'd bought me from the ceiling so they'd dry and sway in the wind.  Until I left, every single set of roses he bought me he hung from my ceiling.  By the time I exited, it looked like an upside down forest of death.) The rest, including the bathroom, were filled with teetering towers and leaning stacks of old paint supplies, refurbished garbage for paint supplies, newspapers he'd already read, and other detritus.

So yes, definitely a hoarder.

Shudder,

-LB
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

Calm. Stay calm.
Challenge. This is a challenge.
Control. You are in control.

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Liftedfog

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2016, 08:20:55 AM »
LB, what a blessing that you have left such an awful place.  I'm so glad you are free and in your own place now. How does your ex pay rent now that he is without you. Is he homeless again?  Mine has lost everything..had it all.  A beautiful home, children, a loving wife, etc.   Now homeless cause he refuses meds.. Doesn't see he is sick.  How did you get mouse bones???

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openskyblue

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2016, 10:37:30 AM »
Liftedfog, you could be writing about my life.

"I went to counseling for the first time after having left 2 years ago, the counselor said I have symptoms of ptsd after having been hypervigilant for 20 years."

My StbxNPD husband could not throw anything away. He had his report cards from elementary, all manner of weird collections, boxes of newspapers and magazines, cartons of old electronics cables and floppy disks that they don't even make readers for any more, holiday cards from the last decade. I could go on and on. He would become enraged when I tried throw just about anything out. On top of it, he never saw a yard sale he didn't like, so he dragged home more stuff all the time. You could fill a dumpster with all the crap in our house, none of it useful any longer. (And I'm not counting the storage lockers he keeps at warehouses for other stuff.)

My take on how this relates to NPD is that these things are another balm to protect his basically very insecure self. He prides himself on finding unique and eccentric things. He covers himself in stuff, so people see all his "treasures" and he can seem unique. I couldn't throw anything away, in his mind, because: 1) Why would I, basically an extension of him, ever want to do something he did not? 2) That would take away from the persona he wants to show to the world.

But that's just a theory. I remember bagging up junk mail and old paperwork and hiding it in the car so I could throw it away offsite. It is one of the pleasures of living in my new place that I throw out all the trash, papers are sorted and filed, boxes recycled, and I can find things in drawers, because they aren't packed tight with crap.

Hypervigilant is really the word for what happpens to you when you live with this for a long time. Its so exhausting. I know you have a big job ahead of you, emptying that house, but I'm hoping finally getting to toss out all that junk will help free you and let you breathe again.

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Lady Baltimore

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2016, 02:55:25 PM »
LB, what a blessing that you have left such an awful place.  I'm so glad you are free and in your own place now. How does your ex pay rent now that he is without you. Is he homeless again?  Mine has lost everything..had it all.  A beautiful home, children, a loving wife, etc.   Now homeless cause he refuses meds.. Doesn't see he is sick.  How did you get mouse bones???

Thank you, Liftedfog-  My own place seems spartan in comparison to what I lived in, and it's awesome.  In terms of my stbxuNPDh, I'm not sure how he's paying rent.  The last I heard was what he said in court-  that he'd been surviving on borrowed money, probably from his old clients.  The landlord had been calling me, asking if I could help him pay rent, so at this point, he very well may be homeless.

In terms of the mouse/rat bones, there's a company in California that sells animal bones in bulk.  There are two places in my city that do, too, but they are way overpriced, so it was more feasible to buy online.  I still wear the jewelry that we were unable to sell. *eyeroll*

In terms of the house, have you been able to find a company that could assist in cleaning/getting rid of things?

*hugs*

Empty spaces,

-LB
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

Calm. Stay calm.
Challenge. This is a challenge.
Control. You are in control.

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Liftedfog

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2016, 06:21:37 PM »
Hi LB,
Its been three weeks now and im still decluttering. Only I know what is garbage and what I need to keep.  Especially what the kids will want.  The house is full of collectibles. They will all go to my boys since expdh is homeless.  Once I am done thriwing stuff out, I can get friends to help me pack it all up. And hire some cleaners.  Four bathrooms in the house, each one disgusting.  Since he is missing in action and can't be reached, I'm having a challenge with what to do with his personal belongings and two cars parked in driveway. I'm not owner so I can't sell our scrap them. I verifiued with police.  So looks like going to go another five grand in debt to seek a court order to dispose if hius things.  But it gets better for me.  He ran a small business and our garage is filled with expensive supplies. I don't want to throw these out.  But I need to sell the home asap so will have to pay for storage to also take this stuff with me.  I estimate another 6 months before I'm done just declutterting.  Did I also mention that he let the exterior of the property go to crap too.  I was served by bylaw officers to comply with cleaning up weeds, etc.  He has left me in such a pickle that I have less time to feel sorry for him.(

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Hoolio

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2016, 04:53:09 PM »
Amazing I was going to start a thread like this!

My stb ex uBPD w is a hoarder. 

I want to live ultra tidy from now on. No more shopping bag mountains in every corner.
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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Rocket Girl

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2016, 08:29:46 PM »
My ex n/bpd was not a hoarder, but man was he OCD! 
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Navers

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2016, 12:25:17 AM »
My stbxh hoarded stones. Seriously. Thousands and thousands of stones....he would scrub and clean them all the time...piles of stone on every surface, in the tub, sinks, in totes everywhere......thoooouuuuuusaaaaaands,.......

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Rocket Girl

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2016, 06:22:48 PM »
Navers, that is really bizarre.  WTH?
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Rosemarie

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2016, 02:56:35 PM »
Yes. My ex was a hoarder. The garage was full of stuff. He hoarded whatever he could get for free. He was a dumpster diver and would bring so many things home, and stock pile them. Even food. It was such a mixed bag, as he would bring some really useful things  home, but many times he would bring home things that did not have a use at all. I am grateful that my space is not cluttered like this anymore.
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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openskyblue

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2016, 06:19:18 PM »
 :yeahthat:

Oh, I forgot about the food thing. My stbx was weird about food waste. If I scraped leftovers from dinner out if the pan, he had to go back and scrape out the last ounce that might be remaining -- and put it in a tiny container in the fridge. If he went to the grocery store, he got twice as much of anything we needed. Of course, we could never eat it all (or fit any more in either of our 2 freezers), so he would leave all the extra food in the fridge until it went bad. Then he would have a fit, if I tried to throw any of it away. I had to sneak food out to the trash can -- and God forbid if I mistakenly threw out something that was still good. After awhile, you lose track of the due dates on the 4 containers of leftover pasta, right?!

Now that I live on my own, I buy exactly what I need, and no more. It's such a pleasure NOT to waste food -- and, if necessary, throw that last rotten strawberry away in peace. And I can find things in my freezer. Revolutionary!


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TalenCrowhaven

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Re: PDs and Hoarding???
« Reply #16 on: April 04, 2016, 08:38:41 AM »
This is a topic I've wondered about for a long time. It seems to come up here a lot.

Before I ever knew anything about PDs, I used to think of my parent's obsessive collecting and shopping as a form of "external self esteem". Then, the collecting and shopping turned into hoarding and attachment to objects instead of friends and family. This began to snowball as we kids grew up and they lost control over us and how we reflected on their "perfect" image. It seemed their whole world turned into purchasing, obsessing over, and maintaining their "stuff". People became disposable, especially their children.

I'm now seven years into coming Out of the FOG, and I've watched them fill their home with crap until they aren't able to even maintain it. I can't bear to even go there anymore. I've only been there twice in these last seven years. Mom passed last year, so now it's just Dad living there. I hate to think of the current state of things. I hope to never set foot in that house again.

I found a link which describes a possible connection between many PDs and hoarding. I have it pasted in my narc file. I may even have found it here:

http://hubpages.com/health/Are-Hoarders-Narcissists