How do you deal with your anger/rage?

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Liz1018

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How do you deal with your anger/rage?
« on: March 19, 2016, 09:24:41 AM »
Hello all - I have been thinking about this for a bit now. If someone has posted on this before, I apologize for the repeat topic - but here is my question:

What are some healthy ways you deal with the anger and rage you feel toward your PDs (since confronting them isn't an option, especially after NC).

I have been realizing that anger is definitely not an emotion I was ever allowed to show (And few others of course) in my family, and I have always had plenty of it. When I was really young I used to pull out my hair and hit myselfn(not healthy) as a teen/young adult I used to listen to loud, angry music in my car (a little healthier)...I exercised as I know physical activity is good for releasing anger....I journaled about my anger for years, but I know the brunt of my rage regrettably has been taken out on DH. I don't really show that side of me to anyone else. I was always dutiful, kind, nice and pleasant around other people (and my FOO). Peace at any cost. But there was a cost - to me....a bubbling cauldron of rage waiting to burst out.

Like a lot of you, going NC released powerfully strong emotions. And it's more RAGE than garden variety anger or annoyance (although I have those too). My husband was raised in a home where his anger was also stifled, but he doesn't have a temper. His anger over the years has seeped out in passive aggressive ways (as has mine) and we are both working to find the best way to express, handle and master dealing  with such strong  feelings . With the chemical upheaval in my body from all the stress I am trying to be very careful to keep things balanced.

Any suggestions beyond meditation, journaling, punching bags (T suggested this but I have nowhere to hang a punching bag in my home)?

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footprint

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Re: How do you deal with your anger/rage?
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2016, 01:31:30 PM »
Hi Liz, this is a very important and timely topic.  I just posted this response embedded in a different thread (Shockwave's "Being Driven by Anger and Rage" under Dealing with PD Parents), and it might be helpful to you too: "Before I found this site, I was on Reddit and another site, often asking about how to deal with the rage.  I received lots of advice on this front, and one of the ones I liked was this crazy one: get an empty pizza box and a butter knife.  When nobody is around, sit on the floor and close your eyes, conjure up what you've been through and allow your rage to come.  Then, stab the box with the butter knife, screaming if you must.  Somebody on Reddit told me about that and I did it, and I do think that it helped.  It sounds like crazy-making stuff, but these sorts of things work.  You have to get these feelings out."

Like you, I also used to hit myself back when I was younger (I'm 41 but did that especially as a child and young adult when I was with uNPD parents). Whatever we do now, it's just good to remember that these feelings of rage are normal, and it's good to get them out.

footprint

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Liz1018

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Re: How do you deal with your anger/rage?
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2016, 02:39:16 PM »
Thanks, footprint. That sounds effective. I also saw a tv show recently where a character had a designated "rage pillow" and screamed into it. Seems like that could work too.

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Reda

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Re: How do you deal with your anger/rage?
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2016, 12:16:51 PM »
I was full of rage for my NMIL after coming Out of the FOG. It was bad.

What snapped me out of it was writing the "letter that will never get sent".  I guess that is similar to journaling, but it really worked for me.  Overnight I went from raging anger to at peace.  I realized that even though she was physically out of my life (for the most part), that emotionally I was allowing all of her toxicity and dysfunction into my home because of the anger I was holding on to.  After I read the letter I remember thinking "she doesn't get to have that power over me anymore" -- whether or not I hold on to this anger is my choice, not hers."  It was like flipping a light switch.

IMO the feelings you need to let go of are that the PD "got away with" something or should "pay" for what they did or should "hurt like they hurt you".  At least that's where all my rage thoughts went.  But in reality the fact that you have held onto that rage/anger means they "win" -- it's when you release the anger and can live happily that you "win."

I can't say that my NMIL couldn't do something some day in the future that wont bring all that anger back front and center, but for now at least the rage is gone.  My life is full and I'm happy -- she is the one missing out.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2016, 12:35:26 PM by Reda »
Don't feed the Narcissist

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sonofanarc

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Re: How do you deal with your anger/rage?
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2016, 12:32:01 PM »
Great question. I got knocked about if i ever got angry in my FOO. So it seeped out in PA ways until i learned to take responsibility for my emotions. that took a lot of therapy.

I've done some powerful work through the mankind project to connect to and vent my rage. Hitting a cushion with a tennis racket, breaking through a phalanx of men, being held down by a sheet and breaking free are just a few of the many ways to bodily release the locked in energy. I also shout and swear at other car drivers (shout only, no using the car as a weapon). I got a punchbag and taped a picture of my father onto it and knocked the s**t out of the bag.  And I once threw my printer out the window when it was misbehaving. The printer never misbehaved again and it was very cathartic. Mind you the printer never printed again.  :wacko:
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. - C.G. Jung

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all4peace

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Re: How do you deal with your anger/rage?
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2016, 01:19:21 PM »
Thanks, footprint. That sounds effective. I also saw a tv show recently where a character had a designated "rage pillow" and screamed into it. Seems like that could work too.
This is how I got through my teen years, although I didn't know I could call it a "rage pillow" :D I also tore apart many pillowcases as a sheer acceptable physical release of my rage. My sister punched holes in her bedroom wall. How odd that our parents didn't seem to find that a red flag.