Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?

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waking up

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #20 on: March 28, 2016, 12:11:03 AM »
I agree Hoolio

Most people who end up in relationships with PD's are attracted to that relationship because of something lacking within ourselves.  I, too, grew up with verbal/emotional abuse and I know I have very low self -esteem.  I can see now how I was unable to stand up for myself with my husband and past boyfriends, and even though I intuitively knew they were not treating me right, I didn't leave them.

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Hoolio

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #21 on: March 28, 2016, 07:56:26 AM »
That's why counselling for us non PDs is important. I am going to keep up with the weekly sessions even though I will probably be pretty broke after the divorce.
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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mdana

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #22 on: March 30, 2016, 02:39:56 PM »
Yes....

Counseling is so important for us non's ...and it actually works!  We have such hope for recovery, whereas PD's do not. 

I come from childhood abuse ...and that was the genesis of how/why I married a PD in the first place (in fact, my mom has the same PD in milder form than my ex).  Oddly enough, I never even realized I came from abuse. 

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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RunningFree

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #23 on: April 01, 2016, 02:20:39 AM »
The pairing  of the more emotionally dependent love addicted co-dependent rescuer and the more distant love avoidant narcissist.
And so the question for me now becomes, why am I attracted to such a person? What is it i'm trying to heal in myself that this other person is mirroring for me?
I've been thinking about this question.  First off, what do you think about the non being the love avoidant?  I think that's my story.  Before my marriage of 25 years, I was playing the love avoidant role.  When I met my wife, I shifted.  I decided to do whatever it takes to make it work, largely due to a profound fear of being alone / being abandoned.  As her PD played out and we went to MC, the question for me arose - am I just trying to avoid again.
And what a great question - what am I trying to heal / what is this other person mirroring for me.  As I look to my FOO, so many options - have I selected someone who I know would never leave me, have I selected someone who makes me responsible for her emotional well-being?  Or, has my fear of being alone caused me to accept the known someone over the unknown loneliness.  I don't have an answer yet, but I appreciate where the question has taken me.
-RF
When going through Hell, keep going.

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Zora88

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #24 on: April 01, 2016, 01:50:59 PM »
Yes, to what everyone wrote, especially but not only Lilymarlene.  I have been having a big case of the Whys this morning.  Why did he do this to me?  Why did he think I deserve to be treated this way?  Why is he able to suck everyone in? Why do I get sucked in? Why can't he really change? Why isn't there more that can make this happen?  All this while waiting in the mail for my divorce judgment to come; we've already had the hearing.  I also get paid to solve big complex problems many others can't figure out.  So I should be able to fix this one, right?  :doh: This thread was sent from heaven to me this morning.  Thank you all so much.

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Verity

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #25 on: April 01, 2016, 02:58:33 PM »
Runningfree, that's an interesting idea. Before I met my uN/OCPDh, I was definitely in love avoidant mode. I purposely avoided getting emotionally attached in my relationships. I wasn't attached to my husband until I started working elsewhere and he hoovered me back and I stayed. I never had a really romantic relationship with him. It's almost like he's a project of mine to fix and care for. I know he'll never leave me, but I also know I'll never have real love with him either. Maybe that's what I was looking for in a relationship.

He says I've changed over the years and I know I have. Like you, I've been married 25 years. We have three children now and they receive the lion's share of my care and attention because that's what I'm supposed to do as a parent. He, however, is still the small child that I cared for and still needs his "Mommy". I need an adult to help me parent my children and he is just not emotionally mature enough to do the job. Sadly, I recognize this same dynamic in my parents' marriage.

I decided as a young girl that I would not fall in love with a needy child/man like my father. I guess I fulfilled part of that, since I have never felt truly in love with my husband. I do feel obligation and duty to him, however, so I guess there's some work to be done to understand why I feel this way.

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mdana

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #26 on: April 01, 2016, 03:57:18 PM »
I think the non's also have relational issues (PD's are truly NON-relational). 
We ...are often the opposite side of them, so we appear to make perfect matches and blend well, but it's not a healthy "perfect match" at all. It's twisted...

It also depends on the PD I think.  My ex is ASPD/NPD ---inflated narcissist (can't attach). He desperately seeks to be loved, never feels loved, and can't truly love or attach deeply.  I am the opposite of that -- deflated, struggle with feeling worthy, over-attach, have difficulty with self-definition, self-love/self-compassion---weak boundaries. 

I have recovered far beyond what I described though, as a result of intense self-work.  But, that was reflective of who I was as a married woman and it was the conditioning I received with my FOO.

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #27 on: April 01, 2016, 06:19:54 PM »
My t explains it as an addiction.  The co-dependent and the narcissist.  Oil and water.

We will never get from them what we need, and they will never get from anyone what they need.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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mdana

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #28 on: April 01, 2016, 06:27:32 PM »
I like that analogy... and explanation RC! 

Rings very true!
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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RunningFree

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #29 on: April 01, 2016, 07:30:32 PM »
We ...are often the opposite side of them, so we appear to make perfect matches and blend well, but it's not a healthy "perfect match" at all. It's twisted...

I think about this regarding my situation.  She and I were perfectly complementary, but in a way that allowed us to each hide from our FOO-related issues and never really grow past them into functioning adults. 
When going through Hell, keep going.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #30 on: April 01, 2016, 08:47:20 PM »
I think the bottom line is if we face ourselves and conquer our fears, we will no longer want these people in our lives and will migrate towards healthy living.  I have been trying to redirect my brain.  Every time I think of him I switch gears and think of something else.  The time I spend thinking of him is diminishing.  it really works. 

My dad died when I was very young.  My t is convinced there was so much I had to deal with and adapt to, being 6 and not understanding what was going on.  You can imagine.  Kids always think everything (divorce, death, you name it) is all about them.   I have to listen to the little girl who's trying so bravely to speak out.  I believe once she is happy, so will the adult me.

I will take responsibility for my needs and my actions, but I will NEVER accept responsibility for the crappy things he did to me over the years we were together. 
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Hoolio

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #31 on: April 02, 2016, 09:00:28 AM »
Our "inner child" will always be there but the adult in us needs to be driving decisions. Via therapy I am working on that.
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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RunningFree

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Re: Educated and intelligent - how did we get here?
« Reply #32 on: April 02, 2016, 10:16:33 AM »
I think the bottom line is if we face ourselves and conquer our fears, we will no longer want these people in our lives and will migrate towards healthy living.

I like this thought, Rocket Girl
When going through Hell, keep going.