Question About Going Back To PD Ex (In General-- Not Mine)

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atticusfinch

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Question About Going Back To PD Ex (In General-- Not Mine)
« on: March 21, 2016, 01:53:12 AM »
Hello all, I have a friend who's divorcing an NPD guy right now and is having a hard time and wants to go back to him.  I'm trying to give her advice.  It seems like every story I've heard when someone goes back to a PD is that things are worse.  Have any of you gone back?  What happened?  How long was the partner on his/her best behavior and how long did it last?  What kinds of things happened?  I want to give her some specific examples because I think lack of money and pressure and missing her kids is making her think it will be better than it will be (plus a good hoover).  Thanks in advance.

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Hikercymru

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Re: Question About Going Back To PD Ex (In General-- Not Mine)
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2016, 04:51:20 AM »
My ex became more covert in his crazy making behaviours each time we went back. He would lie and deceive even more. In the three instances I took him back he would be very meek to get me back and in less than 48 hours he would say things that sounded entitled. And then say it was a joke. It was so covert that I can't give specific examples.  :stars:

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unicorn

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Re: Question About Going Back To PD Ex (In General-- Not Mine)
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2016, 07:28:21 AM »
It started as VERY subtle verbal abuse.  To the point that it usually just ended up being down right confusing. Then escalate worse and worse.  Till we got to the point (about 3 years later) that he was being physical with me. 

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xredshoesx

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Re: Question About Going Back To PD Ex (In General-- Not Mine)
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2016, 07:41:19 AM »
the ex uPD bf pretended to be in it to win in for about 3 months-  after that he was pretty open with his threats, ie 'you can't call the police because you violated the restraining order so i can do whatever i want to you now' was a theme for the rest of our relationship.


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Onwards

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Re: Question About Going Back To PD Ex (In General-- Not Mine)
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2016, 10:32:39 AM »
Hmmm, the old rose tinted post breakup spectacles...

I guess I was 'lucky' that I didn't live separately from my exBPDh until he had totally crossed every line multiple times and I had already filed for divorce. So it was SUCH a relief when we were no longer under the same roof that I never got all nostalgic and wanted him back.  Though I did go through an intensely sad stage when things were calm between us for a week or two.

When our marriage was in the death throes, his turnabout from hoover to rage was so rapid and extreme that it made it easier to eventually say 'enough'.

One time I came back from a night away and he had cleaned the house, made everything lovely and asked me very calmly if I was still thinking about divorce.  I didn't even finish my equally calm sentence about 'I don't really want to get divorced but there are aspects of your behaviour I can't live with' before he flipped and started shouting at me and telling me I was Evil.

Another time, he came downstairs at bedtime, almost whimpering, saying he was scared and felt lonely and frightened and that he missed me and still loved me.  Again, the minute I started to say that this (hug) didn't mean that everything was suddenly ok, he started shouting at me and stormed off upstairs ranting that I would never get him out of the house and he was going to make me suffer etc.

Bonkers.

Sounds like maybe your friend has lost sight of the bigger picture. Ask her to tell you again WHY she is divorcing him? How would she describe a loving, fulfilling relationship? Is it the same as what she had with her ex? Try to think of your own examples you know of how he has treated her badly and remind her of them.

Someone close to me gave me a great piece of advice - she said, 'at this stage with my (her) ex, we were revisiting the sorrow of how things got so hopeless BUT we did not get there without all the pain of an untenable situation. In the long run, when new light and happy things come into your life, it will be worth it to be free of someone who cannot maintain a truthful line. He has many good points the encouraged you to take him on fully but the fundamental flaws would have eroded your sense of self had you gone on. It won't be long until (exN/BPDh) does some new ridiculously unhelpful thing to remind you there is more to life without all that confusion'

And you know what? She was spot on - he did and it did!
Strength to you and your friend.
Onwards

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hhaw

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Re: Question About Going Back To PD Ex (In General-- Not Mine)
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2016, 12:00:55 PM »
atticus:

Your friend's journey is her journey.

Sure, her pd will likely be angry as a hornet if she takes him back.  He'll feel entitled to punish her for putting him through the divorce scare, and forcing him to perform the uber hoover.  He'll also have more control, bc she'll have calmed down all her supporters, and asked them to be nice to the pd.

If she ever needs them again.... when she files again.... evryone will assume she'll back down, and be a chicken sh*t again..... they won't want to waste their time again.  They won't like the feeling of embarrassment when they have to face the pd again, and it will be your friend's fault.... all of it.

If your friend wants to weaken her ability to get help... if she wants to send mixed signals and undercut her ability to be heard in the future..... she should go back, and see for herself how that works.

You don't have to save her.  You can't save her.  All you can do is share information, and allow her to make her choices.  She's the one who has to live with the consequences, after all.  She should make her own decisions.  There may be lessons she still has to learn from her current marriage.

hhaw

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Question About Going Back To PD Ex (In General-- Not Mine)
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2016, 04:16:36 PM »
Hi Atticus.  I always think of this quote...

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I must be bat shi* crazy then.  I took him back 4 times.  Each time his behavior got worse and the length of time between breakups shortened.  The last time we broke up, he told me, I cannot stay with you, I will verbally hurt you and tear you down.  He knew exactly what he was capable of, and I guess I should be glad he tried to spare me.  But me, Miss Fixer, thought love could fix it all.  Ha.   Now he's seeing someone else and it is tearing me up.  Can't help how I feel.   :'(

I know I can never take him back even if he wanted to, and can never be friends with him.  So, I just have to hope time heals me.  I pray every day for strength and courage.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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blackberry wine

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Re: Question About Going Back To PD Ex (In General-- Not Mine)
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2016, 05:53:48 PM »
Is she sharing the children? That would be very hard.

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chocolateraspberry

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Re: Question About Going Back To PD Ex (In General-- Not Mine)
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2016, 07:18:25 PM »
If he is someone at all who lies, hides, and gaslights, it will get worse, and he will get much craftier at keeping his activities underground.

This will eff with her even more psychologically, and her inability to get concrete answers, truth, evidence, etc will make her feel hopeless.

The NPD person will learn she wont hold to her boundaries, and he will get more brazen with violating them. He'll likely push to see just how far he can go before she cries uncle. He's seen that enough pressure gets her to cave at X point.

She may then believe she deserves this, that by taking him back, she essentially gave permission for escalation. She may feel that she now has fully chosen the bed she lies in. All this will add to the feelings of helplessness and stuckness.

With that said, I have done what your friend has done. I have caved, over and over. The words above echo my experience.

If it's clear she is likely to return to him, One final premise that may break theough to her is a suggested compromise. Offer the idea she already knows what life is like with him, and she owes it to herself to live for at least 6 months without him. Suggest that if he is truly serious about reform, they could always reconcile years from now after he's done (and proven) the work. This may help mitigate the intense feelings of attachment and trauma bonding she may be feeling, while ultimately getting her space away from the cause of those feelings.