Feeling anxious she's trying to get my daughter

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meandmysister

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Feeling anxious she's trying to get my daughter
« on: March 21, 2016, 05:32:25 AM »
So its my daughters 14th birthday tomorrow. Nm has always imagined that she has this special bond with my daughter. So we were out yesterday and i get a text from my brother saying he has left some stuff outside. We waited til all 3 kids were in bed then went out to get it. Thank god i opened the stuff! First off she got someone else to write on the envelope and giftbag so i wouldnt know i assume? Opened card theres some money in and it says some crap about miss you love you etc. But shes like a child it just said love you loads and loads repeated half way through the card! I could tell it was some kind of jewellery in the gift bag. But i thought i better open and check it. It was a locket engraved with grandaughter and a load of speil about how special she is! Its really freaked me out. I know for a fact my 2 boys wont get this kind of stuff on their birthdays.so anyway the card got cut up and along with the necklace put outside in bin. Im gonna add the money to mine and give her it. She will just thinj its from me. There was also 3 easter eggs which i will give them little ones will think easter bunny brought them and daughter will just think its from me. Ive asked my brother to not bring anything except from himself in future. He seemed to except it via text did say it was all pathetic and we need to grow up etc but i didnt reply to that one. I cant help but feel a bit guilty towards my daughter her being the age she is but i cant let her hear that kind of manipulation. Its prob worth saying i only went nc 3/4 months ago i told my daughter a bit ago she prob wouldn't get any birthday stuff from that side of family cos im not talking to them and she seemed to accept it fine just said well we hardly see them anyway.

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Malini

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Re: Feeling anxious she's trying to get my daughter
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2016, 08:47:03 PM »
As a mom, I totally get your anxiety and 14 is such an impressionable age. Also, if you've raised them right, they'll initially feel sorry for poor old grandma, and guilty about their relationship with her - things that they shouldn't have to deal with.

I think you handled it very well, you seem quite clear in your way of going forward. We can't stop them from acting out, but we can have a plan of action if they do. I can't see what you could have done differently.

I foolishly let my teenage son open what I thought was a birthday card from my Narents, and it turned out to be two pages of nastiness and manipulation. Learned my lesson.
"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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alonenow

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Re: Feeling anxious she's trying to get my daughter
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2016, 10:21:27 PM »
      I went NC with two kids at the ages of 16 and 14 and from my experience I feel it is important for your children to "see" what grandma is like.  My kids tried to maintain a relationship and quickly saw what she is.
              I see so many kids in their teens not see eye to eye with parents and then run to grandma or maybe another family member and once they are gas lighted it is so much harder to keep them out of fog. While I can see the reason to open up items or check them making her off limits without explaining the issue may make it forbidden fruit which for some kids can be very attractive.  What will you say or do if your daughter asks you about a necklace that was left for her?   

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meandmysister

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Re: Feeling anxious she's trying to get my daughter
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2016, 05:11:01 AM »
Hi alone now. I cant really see how she would find out she had a necklace left gor her. We wont see my brother now for months and i changed her mobile phone number and asked her to not give it to grandma about a month ago when i upgraded her phone. She was fine with that. She has seen the way my sister has been treated by the family for the last few years and us as a family anyway. She doesnt use social media so that shouldnt be an issue either. I just worry in another few years she will throw money at her and get her that way. Its always been very one sided their relationship or should i say lack of. When my neice was born it was obvious to everyone she was the new favourite golden childs baby. Including my daughter so i think shes already done alot of the damagr herself. I just didnt want my daughter to feel any guilt or obligation to them by opening the cards and presents so i do think ive prob done the right thing. My daughter is very sensitive and struggles to talk about her emotions much like me so i dont wanna pile more stuff on her.

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alonenow

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Re: Feeling anxious she's trying to get my daughter
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2016, 10:18:34 AM »
hello meandmysister,
I am glad she is seeing the items herself. That is the best way instead of just telling them things. I understand the stress of  these situations can be a lot even for adults let alone children. 
  I was speaking of the situations I have seen. A similar situation happened and a gift was hidden and it was 2 years later when someone asked the recipient if they liked the gift.
It made that girl ( who the gift was for) question the actions of the person whom decided not to let gift through.  the situation with PDs  is often about control and so the girl assumed instead of  seeing protection she was twisted by the PD to say "look that person DECIDED for you" it caused a big mess.   I find my self looking at all possibilities so I was never surprised by the crazy actions of the PDs in my life.

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Fiasco

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Re: Feeling anxious she's trying to get my daughter
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2016, 02:20:47 PM »
I think you made the right choice with the way you handled the gifts. It's not as if you're shredding her college acceptance letter. It sounds as though if your daughter did find out about the gifts she would be understanding anyway, but there's no reason to saddle a young teen with dealing with manipulation and mixed messages. Good for you.

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meandmysister

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Re: Feeling anxious she's trying to get my daughter
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2016, 05:28:20 AM »
Hi again. My husband googled the gift and it was actually quite a bit of money so i decided to get it back out of bin. You have got me thinking alonenow. I now cant decide wether to give her it knowing she wont like it anyway and say i know where its from so i can return it and give you money or just send my husband to return it and find some way to give her the money. The cards are a definate no no way too much manipulation and guilt in them.

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bopper

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Re: Feeling anxious she's trying to get my daughter
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2016, 03:56:53 PM »
I would put the money in her college fund...let Grandma do something useful.

As for the locket...if you don't want her to have it...does it contain gold? If so, get the money for the gold in it and put that in her college fund.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
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