Rocking the boat

  • 5 Replies
  • 1013 Views
*

biggerfish

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1052
Rocking the boat
« on: March 22, 2016, 07:11:57 PM »
All my life I've had symptoms of anxiety, but didn't know it. Only after I went NC almost 2 years go, did I start to understand them.

Take right now, for example. I am in the middle of a self-advocacy project on behalf of myself and my children, in response to having been exposed to medical fraud. The physical symptoms are mostly jitteriness and fear, and the mental symptoms are self-rejection, as in,

  • It's bad to self-advocate.
  • SELF-advocacy is SELFish.
  • It is wrong to rock the boat. You might upset someone!
 
My symptoms are an example of what we call "fleas" on this board. It's as a result of my conditioning as a child that one should always make peace, at all costs. Very very dysfunctional.

But now, after being NC for a while, I can notice it better. I can see that I don't want to think this way. And what I've learned about anxiety is that I can replace the thoughts and beliefs, but the anxiety symptoms might still stick around a while longer. Best not to trust my jitteriness, and just go with the rational thought. I can be indifferent to the physical symptoms.

I'm sure everyone is different, but for me personally, I couldn't have gotten to this place while still having a relationship with my uPDm. As it is, she's still spinning around in my head sometimes. But having her in my life would have served to keep reinforcing my old beliefs.

So now for new beliefs: Of COURSE I want to advocate for myself and my kids! Making peace is not always the most important thing! I'm not bad...the fraudulent doctor is bad! I can feel good about dealing with this, even though it's not the most fun thing in the world to do. Yikes.

Anybody relate?

*

alonenow

  • Guest
Re: Rocking the boat
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2016, 10:08:45 PM »
While reading your post I realize how many mixed signals we get daily.  The make peace at all cost message is everywhere even if it was ingrained deeper in those of us whom grew up in dysfunction.   No one should feel doubt or fear and jitters in standing up for themselves towards any abuse, fraud and injustice.   

*

Reda

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 520
Re: Rocking the boat
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2016, 10:24:43 PM »
I've actually found that if I'm advocating or being assertive for someone else, I have no problem -- it's when I need to stand up for myself that it falls apart. 

I still haven't done the work to figure out what was wrong with my side of the family, other than mom was clearly an enabler of whatever dad had, and little sister was definitely depressed and possibly borderline.  It was a "children should be seen and not heard" kind of house, so being assertive and standing up for yourself was not allowed.
Don't feed the Narcissist

*

meandmysister

  • New Member
  • *
  • 15
Re: Rocking the boat
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2016, 05:31:41 AM »
Hi just wanna say that im the same i can be assertive for my kids but not for me. I think its just been ingrained in us to not stand up for ourselves. I am trying so hard to change that but it does take alot of thinking about things beforehand. So when someone does or says something on the spot i still tend to let it go.

*

biggerfish

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1052
Re: Rocking the boat
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2016, 10:35:48 AM »
Hi just wanna say that im the same i can be assertive for my kids but not for me. I think its just been ingrained in us to not stand up for ourselves. I am trying so hard to change that but it does take alot of thinking about things beforehand. So when someone does or says something on the spot i still tend to let it go.
That sounds good, actually. That gives you time to think, and be cultured about your eventual follow-thru. I used to either do nothing and fume, or act out irrationally with the clobber method and then have a deep guilt-laden emotional hangover afterward.

Now I am thinking, deciding, and noticing old guilt habits. Way better. You're already there!

*

anon72

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 92
Re: Rocking the boat
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2016, 08:15:33 AM »
All my life I've had symptoms of anxiety, but didn't know it. Only after I went NC almost 2 years go, did I start to understand them.

Take right now, for example. I am in the middle of a self-advocacy project on behalf of myself and my children, in response to having been exposed to medical fraud. The physical symptoms are mostly jitteriness and fear, and the mental symptoms are self-rejection, as in,

  • It's bad to self-advocate.
  • SELF-advocacy is SELFish.
  • It is wrong to rock the boat. You might upset someone!
 
My symptoms are an example of what we call "fleas" on this board. It's as a result of my conditioning as a child that one should always make peace, at all costs. Very very dysfunctional.

But now, after being NC for a while, I can notice it better. I can see that I don't want to think this way. And what I've learned about anxiety is that I can replace the thoughts and beliefs, but the anxiety symptoms might still stick around a while longer. Best not to trust my jitteriness, and just go with the rational thought. I can be indifferent to the physical symptoms.

I'm sure everyone is different, but for me personally, I couldn't have gotten to this place while still having a relationship with my uPDm. As it is, she's still spinning around in my head sometimes. But having her in my life would have served to keep reinforcing my old beliefs.

So now for new beliefs: Of COURSE I want to advocate for myself and my kids! Making peace is not always the most important thing! I'm not bad...the fraudulent doctor is bad! I can feel good about dealing with this, even though it's not the most fun thing in the world to do. Yikes.

Anybody relate?

Hey there biggerfish,

 :yeahthat: x 10 :D

My conditioning as a child was that making peace at all costs was very important, regardless.  So self-advocating or standing up for myself was completely out.  And yes, rocking the boat is extremely "dangerous", as you might upset someone.  Can totally relate.

But most importantly, you have moved on and are creating new beliefs (even thought the jitteriness may be around for awhile), that is very exciting!  You are confronting the fear most importantly and by doing this you will develop more confidence and am sure that the anxiety will decrease over time with this increased confidence in your ability to self-advocate etc. and stand up for yourself (and your children).