Seeking Validation from the NPD

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Rocket Girl

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Seeking Validation from the NPD
« on: March 22, 2016, 07:54:44 PM »
When we have the love of family and friends and respect of our peers, WHY WHY WHY do we crave the validation from a narcissist?  I am screaming inside my head!   I've read the articles and while, intellectually, I get it, I just don't understand why we can't tell them to (fill in the blank) once and for all.

Those of you that have succeeded, can you share?
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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RunningFree

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2016, 11:18:19 PM »
For me, I don't think I've looked for validation.  It's been "there must be a way to fix this person" or "this must make sense, somehow.  If I just try harder to understand and if I just learn more..."

We're rational, compassionate and empathetic creatures.  It's hard to imagine and accept that those around us are not.  But sadly, the truth is, they are not.
When going through Hell, keep going.

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mdana

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2016, 01:27:29 AM »
For me ....it had been because I was repeating an old....old childhood wound/pattern (unconsciously). 

I grew up never really feeling safe in the world and desperately seeking my mom's approval and love.  It was an endless cycle that never got resolved, given my mother's psychiatric limitations (NPD with limited capacity for empathy). I worked tirelessly to be the 'perfect' little girl, in order to gain her love and ultimately transferred this onto my ex-husband (a man with very similar pathology as my mom - ASPD/NPD).   I saw him as bigger and more powerful than me (like I did my mom) and continued the pattern. 

Bummer... But... I have worked now to provide all of those things for myself and not need or depend on another human being to love, or approve of me.  I can love and have compassion for myself (even when other's don't).  I'm still a bit fragile in those areas (new to the whole practice). When we are helpless children, we have no choice because somehow in our genetic coding we understand that we MUST get our parents to love and approve of us because our mere survival depends on this.  It is no longer true when we are adults. 

That's my story!
M


Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2016, 03:12:22 PM »
Thank you.  mdana, I too had early childhood trauma that I know is contributing to these feelings.

In addition, I also have experienced the passing of over 12 close loved ones over the last 6 years, including my Mom and one Brother.  It gets numbing after a while, however, I know I haven't processed them individually.

I know I need to cut myself some slack and work with my t.  For someone who needed a little TLC, I sure fell into the wrong hands.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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mdana

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2016, 08:04:58 PM »
RocketGirl...

JEEZ...that is a TON of loss in a short period of time!  Life is difficult....It's not what we think it should be when we are younger.  As  a kid, I kept thinking to myself "as soon as I get out of here and become an adult...my problems are solved"... Then, after I got married "As soon as I break free...my problems are solved " ...Lots of hurdles, but regardless, there just seems to be so many changes along the way. 

I see there is gain too (not just loss), but sometimes the gain comes by way of 'internal' measures and we tend to not value that so much in our society.

xoxox

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Packy

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2016, 09:04:43 PM »
mdana is right. For me, it was trying to fix the relationship with my emotionally distant father. So I picked a PD who even had a lot of the same characteristics - tall, blue eyes, curly blonde hair, played guitar, etc. etc. And emotionally not there, though he faked it really well at first. Good at mirroring, too.

Afterwards, I realized that is some ways I'd fallen in love with myself, he mirrored me so effectively. Same likes, beliefs, attitudes, etc. It was actually kind of funny when I thought about it. People said we were a nice-looking couple, because we looked so much alike - we were the male and female equivalents of each other. That made me stop and think a bunch. Scary. Only narcissists fall in love with themselves, right? But he was SO funny and clever and intelligent (I'm not any of these in particular), so I liked that.  Until he wasn't and turned into a brooding moody taker. Screw that. Now that I can focus on myself, I'm doing great. These guys don't deserve us, RG. They're leeches. Kick him to the curb.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2016, 06:00:28 PM »
Home from work today and just witnessed them together.   Sigh.  It's just so hard to see.  Please pray for strength for me.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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mdana

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2016, 07:33:45 PM »
Praying for you ...

It's very painful to see.  It's ok... cry, get it out, feel sad... then, find something meaningful to do for yourself.  Call some friends... find a new hobby (do something you have always wanted to do and have not done yet).


They may "appear" happy and perfect, but you KNOW it's not true!  It's not possible...

 :bighug:

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Scout

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2016, 07:40:12 PM »
Home from work today and just witnessed them together.   Sigh.  It's just so hard to see.  Please pray for strength for me.

Hang in there, Rocket Girl.  You do not need attention or validation from this con artist any more than you need hair-styling tips from world dictators. 

Make a list of several things you've been meaning to do and start on baby steps for one of them.  He's a convenient distraction from far worthier challenges--things that may actually pay off and feel good.  He NEVER will.

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Lady Baltimore

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2016, 08:03:31 PM »
Home from work today and just witnessed them together.   Sigh.  It's just so hard to see.  Please pray for strength for me.

Hang in there, Rocket Girl.  You do not need attention or validation from this con artist any more than you need hair-styling tips from world dictators. 

Make a list of several things you've been meaning to do and start on baby steps for one of them.  He's a convenient distraction from far worthier challenges--things that may actually pay off and feel good.  He NEVER will.

Just echoing scout, Rocket Girl.  Spot on-  *hugs*

Sending you good thoughts,

-LB
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

Calm. Stay calm.
Challenge. This is a challenge.
Control. You are in control.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2016, 08:17:55 PM »
Thank you all. I actually saw her Tuesday nite taking her suitcase into the house, then today saw her car gone.  Thought.  Great, now I don't have to see that.  But, today here they are again.  I have to accept maybe she's moved in.  I keep telling myself I don't want to live with these thots anymore, and am trying.  I do have various plans all weekend, but the thots crop up.  Need to retrain my brain. 

In the meantime, please continue to support.  Not sure what I would do w/o people who actually know what I'm going through.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Packy

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #11 on: March 26, 2016, 06:13:13 PM »
Do you own or rent? If you rent, can you move? Even if you could get away for a few weeks it would help break the chain.

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mdana

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2016, 11:31:01 PM »
RG...

In the early days, it's like a bit of an addiction.  You ruminate and think about him (the situation) constantly ... any little sign, memory, thought, smell.  SO, it helps to treat it like an addiction ...see if you can 12 step it.  I forget what the 12 steps are now (AA), but I did that for a while replacing my ex's name wherever "alcohol" appeared. That helped. 

Try....noticing how often he and the situation pops up into your head...then..change your mind.  Replace the  thoughts, memory with something else.  It's a fight ... but, I can tell you ... you can change it!

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #13 on: March 28, 2016, 09:04:00 PM »
Thanks, mdana.  I have been doing just that. It's amazing how many times I think of him a day when I'm keeping track.  Redirecting does seem to be working. 

Funny you mention 12 step.  I actually bought the book and it has been helpful.  I do not drink, but he is an addiction I need to break.

Packy, I own.  Makes it hard to move w/o putting a lot of thot into it, such as will i still have these feelings in a new place?  I guess I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet on my place.  My friends are like "don't let him control you to the point you move".  They just don't get the extreme pull from these idiots we've involved ourselves with.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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mdana

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #14 on: March 28, 2016, 10:29:06 PM »
RC...

It's a process.  Today in therapy we talked about 'distractions' and how ... addictions are really distractions from what's really deep inside.  I do hope you are feeling better... some days are good, some are rough no matter what we do! 

XOXOX
M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #15 on: March 29, 2016, 09:03:38 PM »
Thanks mdana.  You have been so supportive.   :applause:

My t says the same thing. She says the id will try to protect us by distracting us so we don't have to confront the real feelings we have.  I can almost guarantee this idiot is not the main reason for my sadness, but he is convenient so the id travels there. 

I have been focusing on changing my thinking.  I had a heart to heart with myself and decided I just don't want to live like this anymore.  My friends and family have been so supportive, but they want ME back, not this unhappy shell I have become.

I expect I will fall back again at some time, but hopefully those fall backs will be less and less, and it wont take me as long to get back on the f him bandwagon! 

I just started this over the weekend and I have already had two friends say I look happier and they are so happy for me.  So, wish me luck, and luck to you as well, my friend.   Sending xoxoxo's ur way.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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mdana

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #16 on: March 30, 2016, 01:43:10 AM »
RC...

Sending lots of love, hugs, grace...well wishes to you!

AND.... I am sure you are not a shell.  Unhappy, disappointed, fearful, confused ... ok, but not a shell. If you were a shell, you would not have the wherewithal to do the work of self-love and repair you are currently doing (which by the way, takes so much courage).  YAY...


Stay in touch! Take GOOD care...!
M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #17 on: March 30, 2016, 07:08:11 PM »
Hi mdana!  Thanks for your awesome support.  I hope you know it's returned twofold! 

My t went well today, lots of crying.  She likes where I am heading, but wanted to talk about what I would say if he comes to me at some point and says he wants to try again.  She seemed fairly certain he will do so.  It was hard.  I need to continue to stay away from him and hopefully will emerge from the fog and won't have any problem telling him to take a long walk on a short pier.   Right now I have no doubt I would be able to tell him it can never work, but it would leave me feeling sick to my stomach and I want to get to the point where I truly don't care one way or the other about him.

Stopped for lunch after t and the little lady behind the counter looked very sad.  I asked her about it and she said her husband died one year ago in April.  I hugged her and we both started crying.  There is just soooo much loss in this world, and being empathy girl just drags me down.  I need to find the balance.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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mdana

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #18 on: March 30, 2016, 10:44:35 PM »
RC...
Regarding balance:

It's good to be empathic.  It's a beautiful thing to be able to see another and understand their loss and share moments together around loss.  What you did with the lady behind the counter is shared the grief with her.  You were able to 'hold' it along side her, which is so comforting and powerful.  :yes:

Beyond that ... is where the problem usually lies.  That is, believing, feeling or thinking that you can "take away" someone's hurt/pain...or "heal" them....or "fix" them.  But, when you think about it...what would taking away someone's pain really do (if you even had such power)?  Grief, pain, suffering, sadness ... is what it is and we need to have such feelings because as a result of them, we are compelled to search for answers to very important questions like:   why did this happen? Is there a God? What can I learn from this? What is love? And as a result of painful emotions, we begin (hopefully) to grow, mature...

Sometimes I think those crappy relationships migrate back to us over and over until we finally 'out grow' them. 

Glad to hear fro you!
Stay strong...
XOXOXO
M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Seeking Validation from the NPD
« Reply #19 on: March 30, 2016, 11:31:37 PM »
Thank you for challenging me, mdana.  You have given me things to think about.  As an empath, it makes me feel good to take care of another.  That's a little selfish in its own right.  lol...
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.