Common Thread - what about us?

  • 17 Replies
  • 1491 Views
*

Rocket Girl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 602
Common Thread - what about us?
« on: March 22, 2016, 08:56:18 PM »
Forgive me if this has been discussed before, probably many times, but I notice few of us,if any, come out and say we feel bad for ourselves.

We tend to feel bad for the PD as they have had a hard life, or have mental disease, etc.
We tend to feel bad for the next victim he or she chooses.
We feel bad for the children - which is absolutely on track.
We feel bad for the others on this list - also on track.

But where do we talk about feeling bad for ourself?   We are VICTIMS.  None of us consciously chose this life partner.  I need to think more on this.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

*

Rosemarie

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 346
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2016, 09:34:47 PM »
Hello Rocket Girl,

I hear you. I think about this and I feel pressure from others to be compassionate toward my ex, but not so much toward me. While I understand we might get insights about ourselves through this process, I definitely think we need compassion for ourselves and from others.

I know for myself, I was working on my past issues at the same time as I was trying to work with my ex and help our relationship morph into something positive...really for both of us. He belonged to a men's group, I supported and encouraged this. Ultimately I think this just made things worse. He found creative ways to contribute to our business, I supported him in leaving a dead end job and doing what he said he loved to do. Turns out he was more obsessive and not really passionate...there is a big difference. Turns out I was just a means to an end. It is hard to believe that someone could be so lacking in care for a person who supported them. Once he had what he wanted, his house paid off, a skill that he could do on his own and the network (which I developed) to carry it out, he executed the discard.

While I was the one who left, he made my life so chaotic, I was too tired to try anymore. He did not even have the courage to end the relationship, he pushed me to do it. It was cruel and continues to be, as he feels entitled to walk into my circles and my life with no remorse. I do feel sad for me, and it is not my fault. I am becoming strong in a way that I don't think anyone should have to. I don't want to be on guard, looking for psychopaths, but I am and I will, because now I know.

Yes these folks pursue us purposefully and we are victims. We trust and love, those are not bad things when offered to a healthy person. Not that we should stay in the place of victim, but acknowledging it for me, feels important. Thanks for bringing this to the forefront.

With compassion....
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

*

Rocket Girl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 602
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2016, 10:19:03 PM »
I'm sorry for what you went through, Rosemarie.  Thank you for sharing your story.  Peace, my friend.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

*

Rosemarie

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 346
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2016, 10:27:31 PM »
Thanks I hope I did not hijack  your thread, this just poured out when I read your post.
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

*

Ginger56

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 373
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2016, 10:41:10 PM »
" I am becoming strong in a way that I don't think anyone should have to. I don't want to be on guard, looking for psychopaths, but I am and I will, because now I know. "

 :yeahthat:

Thank you both for what you posted above. When I talk to my T I actually apologize in advance when I refer to myself as a victim- as if it's a dirty word or something. Why in the world do I feel ashamed to describe myself and the condition I'm in as being a victim or targeted and victimized? In my head I think I will sound like I'm making excuses, being weak or rewriting reality in my favor. I'm conscious of not wanting to appear to be playing the victim card. Do you ever just want to scream out loud "hey world, look what has happened to me--I need help and I'm not OK because of it" or "it's not my fault" . I find myself often wanting to confront my stbxpdh and scream at him "I didn't deserve what you've done to me".  It feels so much like unjust punishment for something I didn't do or deserve. So yes, I most definitely feel bd for myself- but sadly don't feel like it's OK to share it with anyone. So thanks a million both of you for broaching the subject and providing me a way to finally say it! Giant hugs to both of you!! Thank you . :)
Whether it's a parent, sibling, friend, spouse or family member, do not allow them to drag you down a hole for the rest of your life.

*

Mariposa

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 742
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2016, 10:50:15 PM »
I finally went back to counseling. Was in for a year when I decided to move out, then stopped going.  The divorce took almost 2 years, I still had to be in that hypervigilant state of mind. Since becoming less hypervigilant, I can finally feel my true emotions. Friends and family urged me to date, I had 4 meetups, the last one I cancelled twice because I became nauseous just at thought of meeting a man that may at the end of the day be just like my ex.  I cried on the phone with my sister an hour before meeting him, she still urged me to go.  I realized after that incident I have a lot of issues to resolve.

I told the therapist my goal is to fully believe I didn't deserve the abuse, I need to develop coping skills when my ex harasses me, develop some self esteem, and be open to the idea of a relationship in the future.  But I feel if I can't be open to a relationship in the future- then my ex wins.  I can't let that happen. He used to tell me that all men are the same.

I don't care if my ex knows if I am in or not in a relationship. I want to have enough self esteem to make sure others will treat me with respect, and that I will respect myself enough to walk away if they disrespect me.  Hopefully therapy will help. I just want to be okay again.

*

RunningFree

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 317
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2016, 11:10:25 PM »
But where do we talk about feeling bad for ourself?   We are VICTIMS.  None of us consciously chose this life partner.

Rocket Girl, I don't disagree with this at all.  PDs victimize and take advantage of others who are trying to help and care for and partner with them.  Absolutely.

For me, though, I've never been comfortable thinking about myself as the victim.  As crappy as life in this relationship has been, my life growing up in my FOO was orders of magnitude worse.  Part of surviving that was deciding not be the victim in my life.  I acknowledge that I was victimized, but I refuse to let that define me - I leave labels for the abuser.
I do get down and feel sorry for myself.  I think about this as my "wallow" time.  During these times I skip my workouts and I sleep more.  Meals and snacks stray pretty far from the plan.  I've spent a fair amount of time Googling NPD and abuse and other related topics.
But usually the next morning I start the day by resolving to stop wallowing.  Usually a couple steps in the right direction (a workout, a healthy meal, complete something productive for work) and the world looks OK again and I can focus on making things better.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2016, 11:18:56 PM by RunningFree »
When going through Hell, keep going.

*

Scout

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1027
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2016, 11:17:04 PM »
"All men are the same" just means "So you'd better stick with me.  Trust me.  Would I lie to you?"

Crazy! . . . . Don't believe it.

*

Regina

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 58
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2016, 02:03:14 AM »
Rocket Girl I don't feel I have the option to feel sorry for myself ! If I don't lile my life the way it is only I can chamge it.

The luxury of time and supportive friends so I can go ahead and fall apart just doesn't exist at the moment. 

 I suppose having compassion for oneself is good .. like when it manifests in self care, long walks, spa steam baths. The batting cage to get out some rage.

Compassion for the NPDex is a set-up. He's been through this breakup scenario dozens of times it's old hat. If he can get you to believe he is still so wounded from his tragic childhood 40 years ago, it excuses all his malignant behaviors. Feeling sorry makes a girl much easier to manipilate.

 I've had to remind myself often that The NPDs Never.Mean.Well !

*

Rocket Girl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 602
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2016, 07:56:08 PM »
No, they dont.  The lack of empathy bugs me because even if they cannot feel our pain, doesn't it on some level make them feel like sh**s that they make us feel bad?   I mean you don't have to be on fire to know it doesn't feel good to be burned.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

*

Packy

  • Guest
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2016, 09:09:07 PM »
Don't make the mistake of thinking they feel anything. They have no remorse or compassion or any of the good things we all want in a companion. Once you really internalize this, you can move forward. They are CON ARTISTS and nothing more. They are stilted and never matured emotionally enough to even know what being a real human means. They use your compassion and emotions against you.

*

Lady Baltimore

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 295
  • Can'-Ka No Rey
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2016, 11:43:57 AM »
This is an interesting thread-  Thank you for starting it, Rocket Girl!

I agree that we should allow ourselves to feel and acknowledge that we have been through some unjust and cruel treatment.  I was speaking with my counselor and mentioned the word victim.  She gently interrupted me and said, "You are not a victim.  You are a survivor."

That's made me ponder on the term victim.  I've been going through some seriously intense depression, and feeling badly for myself only intensifies it.  (That said, I do realize it's helpful and healthy for others-  I'm just speaking from my experience.)

For those of my supervisors at work who know what I've been going through lately, I'm sure they feel badly for me.  That said, I feel as if I need to play the role of victim, and it makes me feel just as useless and weak as I did when I was with my stbxuNPDh.   For example, one of my supervisors asks me every. single. time. she sees me, "How are you?  How are things going?" with a sympathetic look on her face.  I know she means well, but it just reminds me of the hell I'm trying to work through and get over.

Sorry, I seem to have gone on a ramble-   :blink:  Long story short, I prefer to think of myself as a survivor and not a victim.  It comes from a place of strength.

Words, words, words,

-LB
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

Calm. Stay calm.
Challenge. This is a challenge.
Control. You are in control.

*

Mariposa

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 742
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2016, 01:46:25 PM »
Scout,

Thanks for your comment regarding "all men are the same" that my ex had made. It's another reminder that I have to take into account what my ex's motives/intents were when he has made comments like these. I needed to hear that. I never made any generalities about women, because I understand everyone is an individual with their own preferences, likes/dislikes, views about the world. Why would it be different for men? You gave me a lot to think about.

*

waking up

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 924
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #13 on: March 24, 2016, 02:07:43 PM »
I don't like to use the work victim  - survivor sounds stronger.

I think , like all of us, I made so many excuses for my H's behavior.  I can see now I always put myself last and he took full advantage of that. He knew how to use guilt, gaslighting, fear, and intimidation to control me.  Obviously I "let" him do this to me.  Does that make me a victim or does that make me someone who didn't listen to what their intuition was telling them? Because I DID fully realize, many years ago, that he showed a lack of respect and empathy towards me, could be extremely jealous and prone to violence, told lies (exaggerated stories),  and that he had some strange behaviors when drunk.  I saw all this and was all set to break it off with him.  I went so far as to write him a letter telling him that, and then, stupidly, I changed my mind. I think my lack of confidence in myself made me fearful.  I thought I would never find anyone else. And I was young and stupid and I thought he would eventually "settle down" as he got older.

I can recognize, now,  the reasons why I accepted this behavior from him.  I can see it stems from childhood abuse (my mother had a drinking problem and was abusive in many ways, verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically) and this resulted in me suffering from a very low self esteem.  I guess I was so use to abusive treatment it felt normal to me.

I think we do need to think more about ourselves and our own needs in order to break free from these types of relationships.  If we don't put our self first and we don't understand WHY we pick these types of people, we will continue to repeat the pattern with future relationships.

*

Rocket Girl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 602
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #14 on: March 24, 2016, 04:19:47 PM »
All of you have contributed beautifully to this thread, and those of you that read but didn't write, I hope this gave you something to chew on as well.

One thing I will say, there are many great men on this site that would wholeheartedly disagree that 'all men are the same' as Mariposa's' ex said.  I hope you all know none of us believe that.  He's a jerk and only wanting her to think there were no better options for her.

As for survivor versus victim...  We are all survivors because at one time we were victims.  A child who is abused is a victim, an elderly person beaten is a victim, a person in a relationship with a PD is a victim.  I'm saying we need to feel for ourselves and our innocence lost as well.

Victim does not, in my opinion, have to carry a Scarlet V. There is no shame there, it is what it is.  The reality is we were victims, and the upside is, out of that, we become survivors.  My purpose of this thread was to allow us to cut ourselves some slack and realize none of us deserve the treatment we received or continue to receive. 

I think we often spend so much time trying to figure out how to fix the ex, we lose the fact this person is sucking the very life out of us.  So let's take a moment to be good to ourselves and start striving towards a new, confident, healthy life.  We are stronger than we know.

LB, try not to look at your supervisor that way.  Unless she's a busy body, she is truly concerned for you.  We all know that unless we've been in this situation, no one can understand.  Perhaps you can educate her a little on what you have been through, and that you ARE going to survive this.  Out of this you may make a very good friend.  It doesn't sound like this person is pitying you.  While I don't mean to speak for you in any way, when I feel that way about someone, it's my own insecurity coming out.

Peace and Love to US all,  RG
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

*

RunningFree

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 317
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #15 on: March 24, 2016, 05:29:25 PM »
Well said, Rocket Girl!
When going through Hell, keep going.

*

Lady Baltimore

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 295
  • Can'-Ka No Rey
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #16 on: March 24, 2016, 05:46:31 PM »
Quote
The reality is we were victims, and the upside is, out of that, we become survivors.

Absolutely-  *nods*   :)

Thank you for your response about my supervisor.  She actually was in a physically abusive relationship for years, so she does know where I'm coming from, and I do know that she does mean well.  It's just that other part of me (which I'll be working on in therapy) wants to flee to the hills, screaming, when someone shines a light on my emotions now that I'm out of the relationship. 

Privacy,

-LB
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

Calm. Stay calm.
Challenge. This is a challenge.
Control. You are in control.

*

Rocket Girl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 602
Re: Common Thread - what about us?
« Reply #17 on: March 24, 2016, 06:06:24 PM »
Understood.  We are complicated little beings.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.