I kind of lost it

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RunningFree

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I kind of lost it
« on: March 22, 2016, 11:31:05 PM »
I'm disappointed in myself.  I met with my stbx (that feels kind of good to write - first time) tonight to try and talk about a couple of things.  For the most part, I was able to hold it together and avoid responding to the things that usually trigger me.  But then, as I was paying the check, that look came over her face that I associate with the PD aspect of her personality completely taking over.  It's weird, right after I see that look on her face, she says the same litany of things (All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy, I love you, I want you.  I'll be OK if you leave, but I want you).
I couldn't take it and I got up to leave.  She started in, saying I was running away.  I lost control at that point.  Told her maybe running away, but if she needed to say some things to make herself better she didn't need me for that.  She grabbed my arm and tried to physically keep me from moving away from her.  Thankfully we paused until leaving the restaurant, but once outside she said some things and I said some things - we both should have kept our mouths shut.  I try to understand that I shouldn't put much stock in what she says at these times, but I've found this is when she's most honest about what she's really thinking and feeling (probably me, too).  But one thing she said is just haunting me, implying I'd have to live my life without my kids.  It felt too much like a threat.
Anyway, once my heart rate dropped a little I texted her that I was sorry for losing my temper and saying things I shouldn't have.  She texted an apology back.
I really need to reduce the amount of crazy in my life.
When going through Hell, keep going.

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mdana

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Re: I kind of lost it
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2016, 01:03:06 AM »
Running....

It's ok.  These things happen as we begin our journey OOTF.  It takes time and practice before any of us realize the best way to handle PD's is to say as little as possible and respond carefully.  You both apologized and that's great (not sure how much of the apology your wife can actually carry/sustain ...but, that's ok too. For now, it's over). 

Re: threats about the kids.  I would say, if she feels out of control, threatened, or desperate...she may try to fight for custody and all the usual things in order to regain power or leverage you.  But, you can cross that bridge when you get there.  Meanwhile, position yourself in the best possible way for whatever comes next (divorce settlement terms, custody, etc...).

And, forgive yourself.  See this as a learning experience so that next time, you will feel better about protecting yourself during exchanges with your wife (stbx).  She may spin totally out of control, but you don't have to spin with her (painful as it is to watch and we all get sucked in from time to time...we are only human).

It's ok... worse things have happened! 
Take care!
M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Sunny

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Re: I kind of lost it
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2016, 03:45:31 AM »
Hi RF, I agree with mdana, this is so difficult to avoid when your SO still thinks he/she can influence the outcome, perhaps even scare you out of the  divorce witb threats to keep your children from you. Perhaps avoiding the face to face meetings would help, but I know I too thought I could stay strong in front of my stbexPDh, and he crossed the line again and again.

In fact I don't know if you saw my posts from a few weeks back about "winning" 50/50 custody. I FELT like this was a win because N/OCPDh threatened me constantly about whether I was "stable" enough to be with our DD16.  I even said one time in exasperation that if he felt like I was a danger or having a mental health crisis he should stop with the veiled threats and call my doctor!

AND HE DID. Boy did I regret those words. Luckily my MD said she would not return his call as it was a breach of privacy.

When cornered, I noticed things going off the charts for stbexh. Even medium chill didn't work, avoidance and email have been the best strategies for me.

Wishing you peace and strength for this journey!!

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Rocket Girl

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Re: I kind of lost it
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2016, 01:55:08 PM »
RF, you will be ok.  This just confirms why she's an ex.  They get desperate when they see the smooth talking, or sexual attraction or whatever their con is, no longer working.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  You are trying to apply logical behavior (meeting in person to discuss things) to an illogical person.  Smart of you to choose a restaurant and not one of your homes.

Document what she said about the kids and how it made you feel.  Present it to your attorney if you have one.

Hang in there.  RG
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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RunningFree

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Re: I kind of lost it
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2016, 05:11:07 PM »
Thanks folks.  I appreciate the support.
When going through Hell, keep going.

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hhaw

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Re: I kind of lost it
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2016, 05:49:16 PM »
Running:  be careful about what you admit to in written communications.  She can SAY you did or said whatever she wants to say, and you've already pre verified it, kwim?

It might have been better to say that you felt her words about your not having the children in your life were threatening, then asked for clarity.  THAT would have been a better opening leading up to an apology that included specifics of what you were apologizing for.  Simply  verifying you lost your temper in ;public is scary from my POV.

You will be in your children's lives if you make the effort and fight to be, IME.

If you're afraid she might DO something to harm the kids, or plan to move to the other end of the world....... listen to that fear.  It's there for a reason.

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt