Having a bad day

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lovetherain

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Having a bad day
« on: March 23, 2016, 09:21:43 AM »
Today it's been 3 months. 3 months since I held him, kissed him, called him mine. 3 months ago I walked out of our home and our lives together.
It still hurts. It hurts really bad today. I've been no contact for 2.5 months. I haven't looked him up on social media because I know just seeing a photo of him would destroy me. I stay away from it all because I'm still too fragile. I've been seeing a T, got a new job and soon a new apartment also. I'm not excited about any of it. We were supposed to be doing it all together, instead I'm doing it all on my own and wondering who he's moved on to now. Does he even think of me? I know it shouldn't matter but I'm hurting so much still and really cannot make sense of it all. Why does it still feel like this? I hope he's suffering as much as I am, although I doubt it. Please give me a bit of strength today...

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Oneness

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2016, 10:39:20 AM »
 :bighug:

I am so sorry, I want you to know I understand your pain...I have been where you are....you are not alone.

The first 6 months are the hardest, but it will get better with time. As hard as it may seem to be, you can and need to take active steps in your recovery....but first allow yourself time to grieve. Let the feelings ebb and flow...but don't hold on to them, don't brood...trust me, I know from experience it makes things worse.

Sending you strength...
It's better to love and lost, then to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

If your presence can't add value to my life, your absence will make no difference.

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lovetherain

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2016, 11:29:55 AM »
Thank you oneness,

I guess I'm still in a bit of a shock, I can't really believe that I actually left and that we are no longer together so I do get that it will take time.
It's also so hard because I haven't gotten any closure, I don't really think any of us have, it's kind of impossible getting any kind of closure with a PD!?
This does prolong the healing process... can anyone suggest how to get closure within myself... I want to move on so badly, and physically I'm doing all the right things for myself but my soul is still broken and longs for him constantly. I want to break this trauma bond! And also do you guys recommend CBT? I feel like I've hit a roadblock with my T and that it's not really helping me.

Thanks heaps

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2016, 01:22:07 PM »
LTR, I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  It makes me so sad you, me, Oneness, all of us are going through this.  It has been about 8 months for me and this week I took a major nose dive.  My ex n/bpd is seeing someone and it is just pounding me.  My mind is racing and my stomach hurts.  I have been having nightmares also.  I think my imagination is my worst enemy.  I have them madly in love and ready to marry.  I tell myself, better her than me, but in truth, I don't believe that but know I should. 

I'm so tired of kicking this around in my head.  I have t today and it should be a dandy.  What is CBT?

- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Oneness

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2016, 01:57:00 PM »
CBT is cognitive behavior therapy. I am no expert, but a therapist I had recommended DBT for me...it is not only for BPDs! EMDR also works well for getting over trauma...I have a friend who did it - her parents are NPDs...
It's better to love and lost, then to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

If your presence can't add value to my life, your absence will make no difference.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2016, 02:37:12 PM »
Thanks.  I am currently in the early phase of EMDR.  I pray it works.   

Oneness, have you heard of anyone having hypnosis to try to redirect their brain?  If so, the results?
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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RiverOfGrace

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2016, 02:42:25 PM »
I dont have any advice bc Im at the beginning of this process, my nPD stbxh hasnt moved out yet but he may have found a place and the finances are just about in order for it to happen. For us its been a long long time coming but when he told me today that he may have found a place I had to hold back from welling up. We bumpted into each other in town and had coffee, kind of awkward but this is when he told me he may have found a place. He's a support worker and he had one of his service users with him. In Starbucks I noticed he took his ring off... I had taken mine off days ago, but I had to really hold back. I get home and he tells me he got in touch and he could be moved out in two weeks. It hurts bc he never tried when it came to our relationship. He literally did so little, just enough to be able to say he doesnt do nothing. He's a recovered alcoholic and cannibis addict. I saw him through a lot. 17 extremely turbulant years of marriage and its finally happening. Im glad and its for the best, but it still hurts. I did want to hug him, Im welling up now... but its right, its best for our kids its best for me. I could go on and on about how little he contributed to this relationship. He's told the kids since I said I wanted to seperate that it was my fault that we were in debt, the truth is that it was his weed problem that got us into debt and Ive worked so hard these last three years to get us out of debt. He's saying things like 'Maybe I should have gone to the dr before now' (about our lack of intimacy issue). I still wanted to cry bc of the reality of where we are.

Im so sorry you're feeling all the feels, I guess I just wanted to say that this is all part of the process maybe. I hope you... I hope all of us find the closure we need to move on. Its not easy, but if its for the best, then its for the best. One day at a time...

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Oneness

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2016, 03:26:16 PM »
Thanks.  I am currently in the early phase of EMDR.  I pray it works.   

Oneness, have you heard of anyone having hypnosis to try to redirect their brain?  If so, the results?

I have not heard of hypnosis  being used...but you might do a search, someone in Working on Us may have posted about it....
It's better to love and lost, then to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

If your presence can't add value to my life, your absence will make no difference.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2016, 03:47:23 PM »
Great idea.  I will check it out.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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lovetherain

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2016, 04:39:22 PM »
River of grace a big hug to you! I can't even imagine what it must be like for you after so many years. But one thing is certain, there are no happy endings with a NPD, I haven't read or heard of a single one! So you are definitely doing the right thing for yourself and your kids. It's so so hard though, I know...

My ex was also addicted to weed, he'd smoke as soon as he got up in the morning before work... it seems to to be very common for NPDs does anyone know why? He was also a big drinker. The alcohol made him very aggressive when he drank a lot and the weed would make him even more paranoid than he already was.

RG, seeing your ex with someone else must be so tough. But you know she'll go through every single thing you did with him, because they don't change. Hope you feel better soon and stay strong! How's the EMDR going? Never heard about it before so had to Google it, looks interesting.

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Packy

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2016, 06:56:51 PM »
Time really will heal all. One year after feeling the same way you are, I could care less about my ex, didn't even think of him. Do what you can to be kind to yourself and know it will pass.
« Last Edit: March 23, 2016, 06:58:51 PM by Packy »

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2016, 07:45:55 PM »
Packy, does your ex hoover?  For me, it's like he resets the clock every time he hoovers.

LTR, I am only about 2 sessions in.  It was working and I was feeling pretty good overall until this recent turn of events.  Today might just be spent discussing this week.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Packy

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2016, 08:51:22 PM »
No, RG, he's long gone. I didn't talk to him after I left and he had no way of contacting me. I made it that way purposely, as I didn't trust myself nor him. There was no going back, and in retrospect, that was the best way.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #13 on: March 24, 2016, 03:05:00 PM »
Mine lives in very close proximity so he hoovers away.  I waffle between moving and staying.  I just bought the house a few years back, before meeting him.  Note:  NEVER date a neighbor!   I'm hoping the day will come I can just loath him and not give a crap what he does, and just laugh in his face if he tries to hoover. 
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Scout

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #14 on: March 24, 2016, 03:24:05 PM »
Today it's been 3 months. 3 months since I held him, kissed him, called him mine. 3 months ago I walked out of our home and our lives together.
It still hurts. It hurts really bad today. I've been no contact for 2.5 months. I haven't looked him up on social media because I know just seeing a photo of him would destroy me. I stay away from it all because I'm still too fragile. I've been seeing a T, got a new job and soon a new apartment also. I'm not excited about any of it. We were supposed to be doing it all together, instead I'm doing it all on my own and wondering who he's moved on to now. Does he even think of me? I know it shouldn't matter but I'm hurting so much still and really cannot make sense of it all. Why does it still feel like this? I hope he's suffering as much as I am, although I doubt it. Please give me a bit of strength today...

Congratulations on your 3 months NC, congratulations on your new job, and early-congratulations on your new apartment.  :) If you're like me, the new place will give you a ton of distraction.  I remember the last time I got a new place.  I found the world's prettiest art deco shower curtain rings and based the future color of the bathroom on being one shade lighter than the stones in them.  (I then found out how hard it is to tape around every fixture in a bathroom--but it was worth it).  I bought a tool box and started collecting small hand tools, one at a time, to fit the sort of things I get up to--then ran around the apartment tightening everything.  :)  I went to every reasonably-priced store in town to evaluate curtains and rods before making a decision.  I guess you can tell I'd never lived alone before, right?  . . . I hope it will be that much fun for you too, once the general stress of moving is accomplished.  There will be a lot you can do to your environment to make yourself happy, and much of it will be because you get to choose everything.

3 months is something to be proud of, but it is still early.  Don't beat yourself up that you're not over him yet.  You're going to need some more time, but you're not way off schedule at all.  It's completely normal.   (I have mad respect at your ability to ignore social media--that is amazing self-restraint and very wise).

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Kit99

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #15 on: March 24, 2016, 06:02:46 PM »
Rain- I feel your pain! It hurts. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but it always hurts. Those wiser than me have told me it gets better with time, so I am holding on to that hope and trying to let the pain subside as I work through healing my emotional wounds and regaining my sense of self.

It's okay to feel sad. I think it goes with the territory right now! Good luck to you- sending big hugs your way!

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lovetherain

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #16 on: March 25, 2016, 05:00:46 AM »
Scout and Kit thank you.

I sometimes feel like I'm going mad, no other break up has been this painful before and being no contact with someone I couldn't or shouldn't be with for various reasons (non PD) in the past has been so easy compared to this! But then again no one has ever lied constantly, cheated, manipulated, belittled, abused, crushed my soul and broken my heart like this before. I know his new victim will go through hell because of him.  I know that she will plead and beg for forgiveness for something she didn't even do. She will let all the chaos slide because he always seems so genuinely sorry for it all, until he doesn't anymore... but she will be stuck just like I was because she has never felt this way before about anyone.
I hardly remember the good times because there was so much BAD. I don't want to go back there ever again. I just want him OUT OF MY HEAD.
How did you get closure within yourself that you couldn't get with/from them?

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #17 on: March 25, 2016, 05:34:39 AM »
LTR, your pain is so beautifully and strongly expressed in your words.  You have taken the words right out of my HEART.  The path of destruction these PD's leave is incredible.  I don't know what I would have done without this site.  Not that I want any of us going thru this, but it made me know I wasn't going crazy.  For a while there, I truly thought I was.  He possessed my every thought.  Mine would push me away, then pull me back in. He did it repeatedly and still hoovers, but I've maintained no contact.   Talk about messing with the mind, body and soul.

I am currently trying to redirect my mind.  Whenever thoughts of him pop up, which is often, I tell myself "I don't want to live like this anymore", then refocus.  I will let you know how it goes.   My t said the EGO will try to redirect our attention to avoid looking within ourselves.  She says I have early childhood trauma (my dad died unexpectedly when I was 6) which is trying to rise up, and to avoid the pain, I think of the ex n/bpd.  The pain that left me confused, abandoned, and wondering about trust sounds a lot like ones a 6 yo might experience upon losing a parent, right?   

I guess I'm trying to say sometimes these abusive type relationships bring out earlier traumas we've experienced.  My ex used to use my insecurities against me.  Does that sound familiar?   As I was typing that last paragraph about early pain, my mind and stomach both went straight to the ex.  Deflecting.  Scary to think he's the lesser pain, but hopeful I can build on this and heal from the inside.

Hugs to you. 
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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lovetherain

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #18 on: March 25, 2016, 06:17:46 AM »
PD was my rebound guy. I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship with  a man I was no longer in love with, followed by being insanely infatuated with another man that was the complete opposite of my ex, followed by meeting my narc who completely swept me off my feet. See my pattern there? That's how it's been my whole adult life. PD KNEW I was broken when we met. I realise know what an easy prey that made me...
For The first time in my life I'm not interested in meeting another man. My escape from myself has always been to redirect it into putting all my focus on another man. I have been running from myself too long and am now having to focus on ME and it's weird.. and confusing... but exactly what I need.
RG please keep posting on how you go on your healing journey and I will do the same. We WILL get through this!
Big hug

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RiverOfGrace

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Re: Having a bad day
« Reply #19 on: March 25, 2016, 06:25:22 AM »
 I dont want to throw the word 'crazy' around so carelessly but thats how I would describe it, its crazy how they get to us. How they have those hooks and barbs that hold us even when they dont even want us themselves. Thats how Id describe it. They've gotten us good with barbs, like bee stings, that keep pumping their venom even when they're gone.

I think it is a matter of time to get that closure. Its taken me a long long time to even get to a place of understanding so that I could ask him to leave for good. I dont know yet how I will get better, I have a lifetime of 'barbs' and 'bee stings' to rid myself of, my dad was so similar to my stbx nPDh. I think its important to recognise the space you occupy now is a safe place. Aknowledge the fact that you still have those barbs to remove, this is evidence of it maybe, and take steps in that direction. Aknowledge your thoughts, process them and know that you are working towards healing yourself. I dont know, thats how I plan on moving forward when stbxh moves out. Two weeks hopefull...
« Last Edit: March 25, 2016, 06:29:39 AM by RiverOfGrace »