Fighting for custody and dealing with a narcissist / Ready to thorw in the towel

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Riseupinchicago

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This is my first post and I am hoping I can get some words of support as well as guidance. I left my husband almost a year ago. I moved out with my 2 young children in 2 hours. He is a true narcissist and has severe OCD, verbally and emotionally abusive. Everything was about control and blaming me. When I left he had me convinced that I was horrible person, bad mother, and nothing I did was ever enough.
 I will just fast forward to present day. I could never have imagined how incredibly evil and vengeful he would become. He is so enraged with me for daring to leave him and does everything in his power to make everyday difficult. Going through a custody battle with his has been the worst experience of my life. He is mentally unstable at this point, My son's daycare no longer wants him to come to do pick up or drop off because other parents are worried about his erratic behavior. He can't really take care of the kids the way need to when they are with him and is only fighting for them because he wants to punish me. He wants to destroy me, financially, emotionally, he wants me to suffer that is clear. He is succeeding. I feel more broken and controlled then when I  lived with him,
He has managed to drag out the case, he doesn't provide proper documents, makes false claims, refuses to agree to anything. Mediation was a complete fail, he wants full custody only because I asked for it and knows he won't get it but knows he can fight for it.
A GAL has been appointed and it took forever for her to finally start doing her job she was assigned in the beginning of Dec and didn't really start to anything until late Feb right before our status hearing at which time she asked for more time. Once she started to talk to people she found out from other people about his anger, lack of involvement with the kids school and medical, and overall mental state. She was ready to make a judgement in my favor and right before our next court date in March my husband fired his lawyer and got a new one so once again the case got pushed back. In the meantime, my kids suffer because they don't really want to go to his house very much but I am told by everyone make sure they go so the court sees that I am trying to do everything right. I feel like I have to follow all the rules and he does whatever he wants and nothing ever happens.
He refuses to let me talk to the kids when they are with him and even though a gal has been appointed he doesn't care, he continues to send nasty text, won't ever communicate about schedules, will bail on the kids last minute leaving me to scrabble to rush to pick them up in time.
He simply tries to make things hard every single day. He is financially draining me with lawyer fees and the gal. He pays for nothing at all. I work full time and support the kids alone. I had to move into a condo that was safe and had some kind of security to protect us in case he snapped, and that is not cheap. I am going through all my savings and am very worried about how I will afford to stay where we are when the lease is up. I have spent $12k already just in custody, and that isn't over yet, I can't imagine what a divorce will cost me with him.
He told me last week that he got laid off, very convenient right before another court date, this is all a ploy to pull my child out of daycare and stay at home and say he is a stay at home dad again to look good the the court I guess.
He knows he will not get custody and I think he is pissed and trying to do whatever he can to drag this out more.
He doesn't care about money because he took the money out of the kids accounts and took about $40k out of his 401k.
I am rambling, I know. My thoughts are all over the place.
I feel like he is always one step ahead. I spend my days emailing my lawyer or gal on the latest thing he did.
I feel like I always have to keep my guard up and wait for the other shoe to drop everyday. I feel awful for my kids that they have him for a father, and that we are getting divorced. I feel guilty all the time. I am not the mom I want to be right now but I know I am doing my best. I try to over compensate for where he lacks. The kids love me and know they can depend on me but it's getting harder and harder to put a smile on my face and keep up the fight. I am tired , exhausted, mad, heartbroken, depressed all the time.
I guess I need to hear it will get better and need advise on how to deal with him. He takes zero responsibility for why I left him.  If someone knows a way to save money with lawyers fees that would be great too.

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hhaw

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This is my first post and I am hoping I can get some words of support as well as guidance. I left my husband almost a year ago. I moved out with my 2 young children in 2 hours. He is a true narcissist and has severe OCD, verbally and emotionally abusive. Everything was about control and blaming me. When I left he had me convinced that I was horrible person, bad mother, and nothing I did was ever enough.
 I will just fast forward to present day. I could never have imagined how incredibly evil and vengeful he would become. He is so enraged with me for daring to leave him and does everything in his power to make everyday difficult. Going through a custody battle with his has been the worst experience of my life. He is mentally unstable at this point, My son's daycare no longer wants him to come to do pick up or drop off because other parents are worried about his erratic behavior. He can't really take care of the kids the way need to when they are with him and is only fighting for them because he wants to punish me. He wants to destroy me, financially, emotionally, he wants me to suffer that is clear. He is succeeding. I feel more broken and controlled then when I  lived with him,
He has managed to drag out the case, he doesn't provide proper documents, makes false claims, refuses to agree to anything. Mediation was a complete fail, he wants full custody only because I asked for it and knows he won't get it but knows he can fight for it.
A GAL has been appointed and it took forever for her to finally start doing her job she was assigned in the beginning of Dec and didn't really start to anything until late Feb right before our status hearing at which time she asked for more time. Once she started to talk to people she found out from other people about his anger, lack of involvement with the kids school and medical, and overall mental state. She was ready to make a judgement in my favor and right before our next court date in March my husband fired his lawyer and got a new one so once again the case got pushed back. In the meantime, my kids suffer because they don't really want to go to his house very much but I am told by everyone make sure they go so the court sees that I am trying to do everything right. I feel like I have to follow all the rules and he does whatever he wants and nothing ever happens.
He refuses to let me talk to the kids when they are with him and even though a gal has been appointed he doesn't care, he continues to send nasty text, won't ever communicate about schedules, will bail on the kids last minute leaving me to scrabble to rush to pick them up in time.
He simply tries to make things hard every single day. He is financially draining me with lawyer fees and the gal. He pays for nothing at all. I work full time and support the kids alone. I had to move into a condo that was safe and had some kind of security to protect us in case he snapped, and that is not cheap. I am going through all my savings and am very worried about how I will afford to stay where we are when the lease is up. I have spent $12k already just in custody, and that isn't over yet, I can't imagine what a divorce will cost me with him.
He told me last week that he got laid off, very convenient right before another court date, this is all a ploy to pull my child out of daycare and stay at home and say he is a stay at home dad again to look good the the court I guess.
He knows he will not get custody and I think he is pissed and trying to do whatever he can to drag this out more.
He doesn't care about money because he took the money out of the kids accounts and took about $40k out of his 401k.
I am rambling, I know. My thoughts are all over the place.
I feel like he is always one step ahead. I spend my days emailing my lawyer or gal on the latest thing he did.
I feel like I always have to keep my guard up and wait for the other shoe to drop everyday. I feel awful for my kids that they have him for a father, and that we are getting divorced. I feel guilty all the time. I am not the mom I want to be right now but I know I am doing my best. I try to over compensate for where he lacks. The kids love me and know they can depend on me but it's getting harder and harder to put a smile on my face and keep up the fight. I am tired , exhausted, mad, heartbroken, depressed all the time.
I guess I need to hear it will get better and need advise on how to deal with him. He takes zero responsibility for why I left him.  If someone knows a way to save money with lawyers fees that would be great too.

I'd like to come back and post information for you later today.

Take heart.  The GAL believes you, and will be/can be a powerful advocate for you and the children.

PLEASE DOCUMENT EVERYTHING AS WELL AS YOU CAN.  WHEN THE PD WON'T LET THE KIDS CALL YOU.... WHEN HE BLOWS THEM OFF... WHEN HE'S ANGRY OR NOT ACTING IN THE BEST INTEREST TO THE CHILDREN.... document with e  mails to the pd in calm, adult, rational language that is to the point.  Blind copy to your attorney and the GAL.

Always always be calm, and speak about the children's best interests.  NEVER snarky.  Never finger pointing.  Pretend you're addrssing a 3yo audience.... to the point.  Keep it simple.  Keep it short. 

Your day will come, and in that final courtroom your pd will show everyone who he is.

If he's unstable, you may want to speak to the GAL about having supervised visitation put in place.  All the documenting of details will help you achieve that if you work at it. 

I know you're busy, and living under siege, but you're the one stable parent yur children need to be OK.

Buck up.  All choices will be less than OK, but understanding that up front makes it easier to get through this.

Your pd is going to continue escalating to get his way.... expect it.

Don't let him throw you off too badly, bc he's going to try.

Try to get to trial as soon as you can.  It's true the court won't give custody to the nutter.... you have them, and they tend to keep the status quo in place.  You won't lose custody, I'm glad you understand that.

Now, how can you best protect your children while theyr'e small?

What can you ask for to keep their lives stable?

Tht's what you need to focus on now, bc you will get your day in court, and the Judge will likely give you much, if not all, of what you ask for. Be mindful, and make sure you don't leave anythng out.

Know you'll feel better when the pd has less access to you and the children.

Limit contact to ONLY E MAILS that can be documented.  Make sure you keep good notes on what he says and does at day care, who he said what to when, and check to see if it's legal to record conversations in your State.

Document Document Document.

That's your way out of this with hte best possible out come.

Good luck,
hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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thesanewife

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Hang in there!  You are going through some really crappy stuff right now.

Just a few things that have helped immensely in mine and my H's situation in dealing with his ex:

Limit communication!  We did this by blocking her from our cell phones.  She is now forced to call our home phone or email us.  This ONE decision made such a HUGE difference in our home.  All the stress of the phone ringing or a text coming through disappeared.  Not to sound cheesy, but it was magical and I wish we'd done it much sooner.

Stick to the schedule you have in place.  We have had to call the cops once when BM refused to hand the kids over at the designated time.  She got really angry that the cops showed up at her door, but she's never pulled that crap again.

Document, document, document!  We keep a timeline saved on two different computers of things that happen.  It's just a short description of the incident with a date and time and if there's an email or text (back when we were texting) we'd reference that in the description.

Accept that you can never have firm plans.  We finally had to do this when we realized that BM was never going to show up on time and that she was constantly dumping the kids on us on her time last minute.  We not tell friends and family that we anticipate coming to events, but we can't make a firm commitment.  That's just our life and as soon as we realized that it became much less stressful when BM wasn't following the schedule.

To piggyback on that, do everything you can to keep and follow your own schedule.  For example, if he says he'll be there at 6 to get the kids, respond with "Great, I have somewhere to be at 6:15."  Then when he doesn't show up on time you send a follow up saying, "You weren't here at 6 and I had a commitment so I'm at X place with the kids.  You can pick them up there or wait until we are done."  It takes the control out of their hands once they realize you are moving forward no matter what they decide to do.  They never want to go out of their way so it usually stops it from happening in the future.....at least it helped in our case.

I have decided that trying to work things out between the two parents is worthless.  PD's will always end up dragging things out which will in turn just cost more money and time.  Get in front of a judge or court appointed mediator as quickly as possible.  Don't do the back and forth game.  It took us 7 months to do a simple child support modification because BM yanked us around with silly requests.

Sadly, you have to learn to play the game better than the PD.  My H has the added bonus that I am an outside party with no emotional ties so I can look at it from a different perspective than he can.  I'm able to breathe and form a mature response that doesn't poke the bear.

Lastly, I've been watching these videos on youtube called "Say Goodbye to Crazy."  They are amazing.  These two people who do the show have also written a book and while they are referring to the crazy as being a woman, it can apply to crazy men as well.  They give you tactics and advice for dealing with these kinds of people.

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hhaw

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The best way to save money is to get to trial as quickly as you can. 

Give your attorney a bottom line list of things you must have in any Agreement, and tell him he has permission to present it, but not go round and round on any other deal.  If the deal is accepted then he shouldn't spend 40 hours on details the pd will never agree to, IME.

You need to have money left for trial, and pd's always always always try to starve us out, beat us down,a nd make our lives so hard we give up.  Giving up means getting out is 10 times harder the next time we try to leave.

Make a good plan, write out your bottom line, ask that all communication with the pd go through e mails, and copy and file them all.  Bait him in a way no one else can see..... always appear compassionate, adult, and reasonable ALWAYS.

Resist allowing him to bait you into angry outbursts.  Resist letting him see you tremble and fear.

Set your sights on Trial, and document your arse off.

Make sure you look your kids in the eyes, and really see them.  Be present in the moments with them bc you'll regret it if you're so freaked out you forget or can't.  Don't let the pd steal that from you too.   He's going to steal a lot, and you  need to make peace with that now, bc it's the truth.

Just know that mitigating damage to your children is the priority here. '

Get into tht final courtroom.  Get advocates on your side, and lean on them.

It's OK to ask for help.

hhaw

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Riseupinchicago

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Thank you for your replies and advise. It amazes me how my ex is able to skate through life without a care in the world. Some people say once he loses custody at least as much as he wants he will fade away. I felt bad about that up until this week. I want the kids to have a father but he is not a good father. They deserve more. I have been documenting but recently slowed down because I'm just over it!
The gal's office called today and is insisting we both come in before our court date in 3 weeks. That makes me nervous because he literally does the wrong thing everyday and the gal is aware of this. I hope she doesn't want us to meet together because she wants to give him  a chance to redeem himself. I have sent copies of texts and emails to back up everything I told her but honestly I don't know if she even looked at the documentation she insisted on. I'm sick of feeling like I have to prove myself when he gives blaring examples of why we can't share custody. It feels like he gets the benefit of the doubt and I'm always baffled as to why.  I think the gal is sympathetic to fathers.
I don't trust the legal system .
I am having a hard time trusting anything and anyone these days.
i don't sit around and cry or feel sorry for myself mostly because I don't have the time. I'm sure one day the reality of divorce and the loss of my long term dreams will hit me and I will cry. For now I don't have a choice but to  be strong even on the bad days. I do however wonder what I could have done in life to deserve this. I rack my brain about who I might have done wrong.
I just need to know if it's possible to be happy one day? I don't need someone to lie to me. I need to know what to expect if my ex doesn't fade away?

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A_newlife2014

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Rise up...

Of course I can't speak with certainty about every single situation, but things do tend to die down once the fight is "over."

At some point, there comes a point where the custody is decided, the divorce is decided, the financials are decided, and everything is written into court orders, you have no court dates on the horizon, and the PD is out, or running low, on tools and methods with which to harass you.

Things will abate, if not end.

Right now, your ex is still right in the middle of the fight, so don't expect him to stop.

The good news is, it sounds like his behavior is egregious enough to have attracted a lot of negative observations, which will not bode well for him in court, with the GAL, etc.

So your job is just to stay calm and wait him out, let him hang himself with his crazy while you are the port in the storm for your kids.

You have to play ball by the court, and in the meantime, document, document, document.

It is very hard to stay calm and not be scared when they are a swirling hurricane of crazy in our face, and our kids are involved. But you have to recognize what you have can control, and cannot control, and where to put your energies.

You cannot control a thing he does or says. Only a court can order his behavior now, and even that doesn't prevent your ex from acting how he wants to anyway.

The good news here is that he can't control you either. ..... He can yank you around a bit in that you will bend your ways to do what's right for your kids, he might leave you hanging, be unreliable, etc. ...... but in terms of threats, accusations, bullying against you, harassing, all those chaotic things the PDs do to keep us off-balance ------ you need to just ignore them, block them out. Let him rant and rave into a vacuum. There's not a goddamn thing his rants and raves can do to you, unless you let them bother you.

And he's going to file what he's going to file with the court, there's nothing you can do about it, except document his behavior to show that he's lying, and make sure your own is impeccable, so that while he can SAY whatever he wants about you, there won't be any evidence to back it up.

We do the PDs' job for them when we let them get us riled up. They are crazy and chaotic and full of empty threats, but that's just them projecting their emotional chaos onto us. They're TRYING to get us wound up, to relieve their own emotional turmoil.

Interacting with them, trying to reason with them -- none of this will amount to anything, so don't waste your time. Go as NC as you possibly can, have him communicate through email and/or lawyers only, so you don't have to hear his daily BS and be affected by it.

Resign yourself to the fact that while he has the kids, you can't stop him or control him, you can only document and hope that his own behavior hangs him enough for a judge to see that the kids are better off with you.

Don't be shy about pointing out the behavior you are describing to the court. .... The court is not going to sit back and sincerely ask you, "So, Riseup, how do you feel today? Has your husband threatened you today?"

No ... you and your attorney need to advocate firmly for you.

It sounds like 1.) His behavior is off the charts, so that's "good," as it will be obvious to everyone and 2.) That your GAL knows this. That's also good, because courts rely heavily on their experts' recommendations.

You're in the thick of it right now, which is exactly when PDs' behavior, and their motivation, are at their highest. This won't last forever. But your ex is trying wildly to regain the control he feels he has lost, and that's just the way it's going to go down until he is made to see that it is going to bite him in the ass, or when he runs out of ways to lord control over you, which should happen once the court process "wraps up."

I'm not saying it will be smooth sailing after that, or maybe ever, but I am saying that it will not always feel or look this bleak.

The key is to reduce contact with him as much as humanly possible, so you're not dealing with it 24/7. Although he will try to manufacture chaos, there's actual very little contact about the kids that is absolutely necessary to discuss on emergency terms every day (outside of an actual emergency). He will create this sense that you need to respond to him and be in communication constantly, that everything is a crisis, but the only thing that makes these things into a crisis is his insistence that they are, and our going along with it.

Things improved immeasurably with my own NPDxh when I cut off phone contact with him, only allowing email.

Expect some pushback if you try to enforce boundaries right now, but eventually, as they get squeezed out by boundaries, they calm down, because they have no choice.

Best of luck and hang in there.
- ANL

Go as NC with him as you possibly can.

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Sunny

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I feel for you Rise up!!! My stbexPDh scared me so badly about losing my kids, his disappearing, making mental health claims about me, that it took me 2.5 years to file for and serve papers. So you are actually ahead of schedule if that makes sense!!! You have been a fierce advocate for your kids it sounds like.

YES it gets better!! Just got my custody order 2 weeks ago and it's like air coming out of h's balloon. I then cried and sobbed with pent up stress but moved along. I agree with others, just go as fast as the court allows you to. They will STALL any way they can, it's a manipulation tactic.

To save legal fees, I tried to let several days of threats and crazy go by before sending an email to my lawyer. I reread them and cut them for brevity. I even told her not to answer unless there WAS an actual legal issue rather than PD blowing smoke!!

I am in CA and don't use this but have heard great things regarding a court monitored email program called Our Family Wizard. If you can get that written in to the orders that should cut down on time spent communicating with him, as well as documentation, because everything is open to the court.

Last suggestion--before h becomes a SAHD, can you talk a family member into watching your kids, perhaps in exchange for deferred compensation, house sitting, pet sitting...anything to both save $ and keep them from the N!!  Can you work from home sometimes? Pool resources with another mom?

I have been hit with very high real estate costs and many excellent ideas came off this site, such as sharing a home with another single mom or renting rooms within a home. These might give you added safety should you need to move.

Finally, are there any domestic violence orgs that might help with legal fees ot have suggestions for safety if you do move? In CA there is a free service to forward your mail to a safe location that I learned about thru a DV support group.

That reminds me, some DV support groups have child care and you might like some face to face time with others going thru the demise of an abusive relationship.

Many, many hugs. Hang in there. Chicago is a great city for kids, just a few minutes a day of focusing fully on them and they will know how much you love them. Best, Sunny

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Liftedfog

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I feel for you. I'm dealing with expd who is also psychotic. No insight and won't take meds. Three years now and he stalls by ignoring papers and hiring and firing lawyers.  He is not fit for anything but supervised visits but still fight goes on and legal debt mounting.  You are so far ahead by living in your own place with your kids.  That is a huge accomplishment.  You can close your eyes at night and feel safe.  This is HUGE.  Keep calm and journalling helps keep you feeling in control.  You can do this.  Your children need you.

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HopefulOne44

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Greetings, RiseUp..

So sorry for all you have been and are going thru! 💜

I'm running out of time to read n reply but in reading most of your post I thought I'd suggest seeing if you can somehow communicate via this service..

https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/

Not sure about avaiability within your court system/area, or if usage needs to be linked to some type of legal action or court appointment, but take a peek if you like.

When I file for divorce I want to be prepared for control, manipulation & passive aggressive issues (at the very least) and as I understand part of this service is that it monitors communications in an effort to minimize potentially abusive conversations.

As I mentioned, I don't know if use is by court order only, but I believe I read you can *request it be ordered* in your settlement (if avail of course).

My apologies if someone might have made the suggestion already as I am not able to get thru all posts at this time.

Anyway this idea came to mind when reading of the issues you're facing.

Oh, I also feel it could possibly help concerning threats of suicide.  I can't say how the service would handle something like this but If it is a cry for help or just another bpd 'tactic' to manipulate, it would be at the very least *documented*.

All my best 💜

H144 🌼
« Last Edit: March 27, 2016, 10:42:27 PM by HopefulOne44 »

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Riseupinchicago

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Update:
With all the craziness and abusive language the gal did recommend the family wizard . I signed up for it immediately and in a complete shock my ex signed up as well. We have been communicating through the site. The abusive language has gone from ridiculous comments to now my ex trying to act like he is a normal rational person. It's fairly irritating and funny at the same time. He must think that this new fake persona is something the lawyers and gal will believe and forget the over 6000 texts in 10 months I have.
Anyway , right now he isn't harassing me for the 1st time in years.!!!  ;D
I know this won't last  :sadno:  but I will take it for as long as I can get it !
We have a court date coming up 2 weeks! There has to be some kind of judgement at that point .
The gal is insisting on me and my ex coming in to meet with her before the court date. I can't imagine why!!! My guess is she wants to try to give him a chance to redeem himself , he will sit there and lie , and I just have to hope the gal doesn't buy it.  I am trying to talk to the gal on the phone so she can hear my voice and I can give her an idea of what my life will be like if she allows him any decision making power. Emails from me are effective but I can tell she is not willing to completely give me sole custody with only visitation to him. She made a comment to my attorney that my ex can be charming , and she can see how he can come off believable . I hope she isn't doubting herself.
The ex is an expert in making you feel like you are wrong, feel sorry for him and doubt yourself.
I guess we will see. I don't want to sit in a room with him but maybe he will snap. It would be great if showed his true colors.

I still struggle feeling bad for him once in awhile. He has no relationship with his family anymore. His choice not theirs . I have a close relationship with his family and for that reason he has disowned them.
He has no one anymore, no wife, family , barely has kids, no job . Again all his own doing. For the sake of my kids I hope he lets go of the anger. I want them to have a father. I know I will NEVER be with him again. If he gets help it would just make all our lives easier. Ok snapping back to reality now.

Thanks for all the advise . I will see if there are resources to help with legal fees. Fingers crossed for my meeting with him and the gal and our court date. 

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hhaw

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Phrases like...... "I'll help him be the best father he can be...." will go a long way with the GAL and mediators.  You always always express compassion for the pd.... esp since he's mentally ill and the father of your children, BUT you insist the children's best interests are your priority, and use that as reason to resist poor settlements agreements or visitation agreements, or custody agreements you know aren't in the kiddo's best interests.

Expect everyone to put pressure on you to settle..... once they realize you're the only reasonable person they'll put pressure on you to give give give,bc they know the pd won't budge, do the right thing or what's best for the children.

Don't let them convince you to give things  you know you can't live with.  Make sure you write down your bottom list at a calm time, and have it handy when defending yourself in any settlement conference.  Even your own attorney will likely try to talk you into doing stupid things so he doesn't have to go through trial prep, or continue dealing iwth the pd craziness. 

It's sort of evil, bc children are involved, so hold your ground calmly, continue pointing out you're putting the children first, don't ever ever ever get defensive... treat stupid questions as opportunities to educate, and speak to and about your pd with compassion.

You'lre the reasonable parent, and you want your children to have a father, of course you do. 

Just hearing you sounding sane and reasonable will likely tick your pd off, and cause him to have a meltdown, or mini meltdown.... that's a good thing, IME.  It lets everyone know where this is going..... quickly to trial likely, so they stop bugging you to engage in expensive settlement conferences that go nowhere.

Remember..... the pd will likely not be able to agree to anything, and if he does, expect him no to sign it at the last minute and insist on going to trial after all.

Speak calmly to the GAL, don't tell them what to think, or what they must do.... simply state facts you can back up with evidence, and let them come to their own conclusions.... have zero expectations and it will help your credibility, IME.

That;s important to practice before you testify in front of the Judge, IME.

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Riseupinchicago

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Hhaw thanks for that advise!!! That's the shit I need to hear , real examples of what to do or say. I guess everyone else in my life can't give that kind of advise because they don't truly understand what I'm dealing with .
The Wizard site lasted a whole 2 days! He now insists on calling me and I don't answer but respond to his vm on the wizard . It's his problem if he isn't checking the site. We all agreed to it. Of course there is some bigger game he is playing and I will be the last to find out.  I don't even care today about trying to figure it out or try to keep up. The damage is done by him. I just need the legal system to do the right thing . I don't even trust that even with all the back up against him.  Just for tonight I'm going to accept that it is what I it is and I have no control much other then myself.


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hhaw

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Your pd wants to talk to you, bc he misses upsetting you.  He wants to get inside your head, and yank you off center.

The family wizard is the agreed upon plan, and you should stick with it.  If you do respond to him, do it so you can document it, and make sure it's about his sticking with the agreed upon plan... that you're continuing to honor that agreement, and you're hopeful he'll honor it as well.  END COMMUNICATION.

That way everyone can see you're being reasonable, urging the pd to honor the agreement, nad you're being business like.... never snarky.  Never sarcastic.  Always focused on the kiddos.

If you can resist taking his phone calls you'll feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Remember to do fun things with your children and really be present in the moment with them.  You'll regret it if you don't.

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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chocolateraspberry

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On my phone, I can make a number always go straight to vm. I do this for telemarkers but it could work for you.

This way, you don't hear the ring and aren't alerted ... Causing further stress in your day. On my phone it willbeep that I have a vm (a d I could change this if needed) and I can clearly see the incoming call number.

If you can do similar with your phone, it's another means for you to control your environment.

You're doing really well responding to his vms in the Wizard. It shows you follow the court rules. It also enables you time and space to reapond strategically vs reactively.

Hhaw is right: he wants to bait you. The phone calls are about him getting his kick.

Baiting you, getting a rise out of you, it's like an addiction for the pd. They are not comfortable with peace, and chaos is where they thrive.

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thesanewife

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The requests to have phone calls are pure nonsense.  My H's ex used to do this all the time.  She'd have a simple question like, "Can I drop the kids off one hour early?"  Instead of just sending him a text (when she was still allowed to text) or sending an email she'd insist on a phone call.  One time we were out and about shopping at the mall with the kids and she kept insisting and insisting and insisting that they talk on the phone.  It was all for one stupid question she had.  But she asked it in a way that was demeaning to my H.  She just wanted the reaction from him and she knows the BEST reaction she gets is if he can hear her voice and she can in return hear the frustration in his. 

You are doing the right thing by responding through Our Family Wizard.  Keep up with that and stick to your boundaries. 

I've been reading the book "Say Goodbye to Crazy" and the authors reiterate over and over and over how important it is to NEVER falter from your boundaries.  If you falter once it shows that you are willing to cave under pressure.  My H did this recently with texting.  His ex insisted he open up the lines of text communication and he did because she'd been playing nice lately.  It lasted 4 days before he realized what a horrendous idea that was and she was blocked again. 

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A_newlife2014

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The requests to have phone calls are pure nonsense.  My H's ex used to do this all the time.  She'd have a simple question like, "Can I drop the kids off one hour early?"  Instead of just sending him a text (when she was still allowed to text) or sending an email she'd insist on a phone call.  One time we were out and about shopping at the mall with the kids and she kept insisting and insisting and insisting that they talk on the phone.  It was all for one stupid question she had.  But she asked it in a way that was demeaning to my H.  She just wanted the reaction from him and she knows the BEST reaction she gets is if he can hear her voice and she can in return hear the frustration in his. 

You are doing the right thing by responding through Our Family Wizard.  Keep up with that and stick to your boundaries. 

Right on. My NPDxh hates -- absolutely hates -- not being able to talk to me on the phone (he no longer even has my phone number. Heehee). He had the HUGEST tantrum when I denied him phone access (went to the state police and accused me of harassing him). Of course, this only validated my decision, Ha! To this day, he still tries, every chance he gets, for that phone contact. I usually cave when I have to, because there's something I really want from him that he won't give up unless I throw him a phone bone. Of course, he doesn't explicitly state he wants the phone contact. He just keeps trying to "sneak" it in, like a kid who asks you over and over for something, at off moments, hoping to trick you into saying yes.

What normal person puts energy into dictating, trying to control, how they communicate with you? Um, no one.