Sorry I'm NOT SORRY

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Kit99

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Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« on: March 24, 2016, 05:59:17 PM »
Does it baffle anyone else as you try to comprehend how the "love of your life" can seemingly not process in the slightest how horribly their actions and words have hurt you/your family?  That they are, quite honestly NOT SORRY in the least! Well, except for themselves. Sure, he said he was so so sorry immediately after when he is trying to Hoover me. But it's over now that he realizes I'm not falling for it this time.

My s2bxpdh actually blames ME for all this and says that I am his mistake! Me! It just kills me because all I'm asking from him is to be treated in a civil manner and not openly disrespected. It is maddening how a PD turns everything around and projects their own feelings and shortcomings onto others.

The honest truth is that I WISH I didn't need to end our marriage - especially in the way I ended up having to do so. I feel guilty about not being able to tell him face to face and talk about it like adults. But I know how that would have turned out. I DO feel sad for him, his disorder and any hurt he feels and I DON'T hate him- although maybe that would make this easier! 

Honestly... I thought he was different than this. Doesn't it kind of crush your soul when you see the bitter truth?  :-[

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2016, 06:02:31 PM »
Absolutely.  It's crushing because we have feelings and compassion.  They have none and are just icky, icky people. IMO.
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waking up

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2016, 08:46:57 PM »
It is soul crushing to realize that the person you loved really didnt love you back. Its soul crushing when you finally realize the person that you married is not the person you thought they were. And the worst thing is when you realize that they would rather hurt you than accept responsibility for the the things they have done wrong.

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Kit99

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2016, 09:37:13 PM »
RocketG- isn't it scary that you THOUGHT they had such warmth and compassion? They were so capable of it at the beginning so I don't get how a "switch" just seems to go off at some point.

Waking up- this statement rings so very true:

"And the worst thing is when you realize that they would rather hurt you than accept responsibility for the the things they have done wrong."

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A_newlife2014

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2016, 09:39:56 PM »
A real turning point in my dawning comprehension of what I was truly dealing with, with NPDxh was when he started a "sitdown" with me ----  during which I believed I was doing him a huge favor by even being WILLING to discuss his out-of-line behavior with him, yet again ----- by saying ....

"I need to learn...."

[me: nodding inside my head]


"... how to deal with you better."

Even more remarkable than this draw-dropping statement was that he was not being facetious in the least.

Even more remarkable than that, was that he didn't even realize how blaming and insulting it was, to say that to another person with whom you're professing to try to work things out.

............ Before I had a label of NPD to affix to NPDxh, I had been describing him and his behavior to my T and others as being someone who engages in one-way communication only. Someone who only sends outgoing messages, but never receives any incoming ones.
« Last Edit: March 24, 2016, 09:43:10 PM by A_newlife2014 »

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InTheDarkness

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2016, 12:00:27 AM »
Does it baffle anyone else as you try to comprehend how the "love of your life" can seemingly not process in the slightest how horribly their actions and words have hurt you/your family?  That they are, quite honestly NOT SORRY in the least! Well, except for themselves. Sure, he said he was so so sorry immediately after when he is trying to Hoover me. But it's over now that he realizes I'm not falling for it this time.

My s2bxpdh actually blames ME for all this and says that I am his mistake! Me! It just kills me because all I'm asking from him is to be treated in a civil manner and not openly disrespected. It is maddening how a PD turns everything around and projects their own feelings and shortcomings onto others.

The honest truth is that I WISH I didn't need to end our marriage - especially in the way I ended up having to do so. I feel guilty about not being able to tell him face to face and talk about it like adults. But I know how that would have turned out. I DO feel sad for him, his disorder and any hurt he feels and I DON'T hate him- although maybe that would make this easier! 

Honestly... I thought he was different than this. Doesn't it kind of crush your soul when you see the bitter truth?  :-[

Kit99,

This is how I've described my uBPDw upon my first seeing her, 24 years ago.  She was beautiful with a killer bod, but the person behind  that face was held together with duct tape, pieces of wire and Crazy Glue.  Sounds funny but it isn't.  I was love bombed, she was articulate, intelligent and worldly.  We met when I was 42 and she was 47.  Neither one of us had ever been married.  She told me how wonderful I was and she loved that I treated her with respect, unlike other men she'd dated.  I couldn't believe that I was with this gorgeous, caring woman.  Then came the sudden rages, the insults, the put downs, the prenup, the diminished interest in sex, the  complaints about sex, her heavy drinking as soon as she got home from work.  Fast forward to a couple of years ago when we began couples therapy, after I'd been in individual therapy for several months.  I said, "How could someone who professes to love me, hurt me and wound me, not once, but repeatedly?"  She couldn't answer, but managed some lame excuse that she was trying to get me to be more assertive.  WTF?

For most of us, I believe, it's a no win situation.  Truly, damned if you do and damned if you don't.   And yes, even with all experience, leaving that person is difficult; even painful, because of memories of good times,  of the realization that this person was not the love of our life, that we allowed ourselves to be seduced by a facade, then, emotionally and/or physically abused.  None of us, though, can be married or living with a facade.  We will wither and die and the other person will go on their merry way to find someone else to use and emotionally exploit.   But do we want to be martyrs or do we want to live an authentic life/

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bruceli

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2016, 12:57:12 AM »
Does it baffle anyone else as you try to comprehend how the "love of your life" can seemingly not process in the slightest how horribly their actions and words have hurt you/your family?  That they are, quite honestly NOT SORRY in the least! Well, except for themselves. Sure, he said he was so so sorry immediately after when he is trying to Hoover me. But it's over now that he realizes I'm not falling for it this time.

My s2bxpdh actually blames ME for all this and says that I am his mistake! Me! It just kills me because all I'm asking from him is to be treated in a civil manner and not openly disrespected. It is maddening how a PD turns everything around and projects their own feelings and shortcomings onto others.

The honest truth is that I WISH I didn't need to end our marriage - especially in the way I ended up having to do so. I feel guilty about not being able to tell him face to face and talk about it like adults. But I know how that would have turned out. I DO feel sad for him, his disorder and any hurt he feels and I DON'T hate him- although maybe that would make this easier! 

Honestly... I thought he was different than this. Doesn't it kind of crush your soul when you see the bitter truth?  :-[

Yes, totally unbelievable. Just last week after having been confronted about a lie, when asked this week why she has never apologized ever for any reason... Her answer.... I don't know!  Even with visual proof in hand, completely struggled with trying to understand what she had done.
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal and best doesn’t mean good.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

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Riseupinchicago

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2016, 01:05:28 AM »
I find it ironic how we all still feel bad for them. For leaving them. They treat us like less then dirt and feel nothing but here we are feeling like  we wish we could have made it work. We question ourselves yet they go believing they are right and the victims. I struggle with this still, hoping one day I will put my feelings first!

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2016, 01:55:57 AM »
I want to live an authentic life! 

I remember when I would call my n/bpd to task for treating me badly.  No kidding, guys, it was like he was so tuned out.  He looked at me and took the hang dog face, but honestly?  I don't think he heard a word I was saying.  He was probably thinking "I need to get rid of this bitch asap".  I was like Charlie Brown's teacher, but pissed off.

I could physically see him struggling with expressing the correct facial movements for chagrined, ashamed, called out, whatever.   It was so bizarre at the time, but now I realize he had no idea what any of those emotions felt like.  Then why did I think he could love?  Because he told me!  But oh, how they can hurt when they feel slighted.  They bleed but we don't, I guess.  sigh.

Anyway, great thread.  Peace to my forum family.   :)
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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unnamed

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2016, 01:45:42 PM »
My exH’s favourite response is “reeeaaally or what-EFFING-ever.”  It doesn’t matter if I’m stating a fact, calling him out, or blatantly accusing him of something…that’s his answer.

There’s no getting around it, he’s simply not remorseful.  He’ll only say “I’m sorry - okay,” as a pathetic attempt to keep someone [usually me and our kids] where he wants them.  Then he repeatedly does the exact same thing he apologized for.  Even after exH physically attacked our DS [who was 15 y/o at the time] the best he could come up with was, “sorry…but you really pissed me off when you didn't do what I told you to do.”  DS was devastated and he's never forgiven him for it.  I was absolutely disgusted in exH's behaviour, and that's when I finally started the separation process.  With him, sorry, is nothing more than a manipulative word that has NO meaning whatsoever. 

My abusive adoptive NM, has never apologized to anyone for anything - in her life, to the best of my knowledge.  In her twisted opinion, SHE’S ALWAYS RIGHT!!!  When she’s caught red-handed and confronted, she becomes completely enraged and goes ballistic!  People who know her well, no longer challenge her because it’s just a futile waste of energy.  It’s been 10 years since I went NC with NM, during one of our last conversations, she told me that she’s NEVER told a lie in her life, and she’s NEVER done anything wrong either.  Well…what’s left to say, my adoptive mother is the epitome of perfection, who can compete with that.  Not me, that’s for sure!

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bruceli

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2016, 03:07:54 PM »
Very familiar with the ballistic response, however, with my covert, somatic NPD, the reply is...." maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship."  PD speak for "I'm not going to change and you need to put up with it and take it or either you or me need to move on" perhaps?
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal and best doesn’t mean good.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

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blackberry wine

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2016, 03:16:43 PM »
What was even more devastating for me was realising he doesn't only blame me, he blames our wonderful daughters too. I tried to tell him that he can still salvage his relationship with them, but he can't see it, calls them "users" and "bloodsuckers". He'd blow up at one of them in front of their friends over some minor thing, belittling them. I couldn't believe what was going on, and me unable to stop him. I was "never on his side".

The last time he said sorry it was by text, and I knew he wasn't sorry at all.




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bruceli

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2016, 03:26:46 PM »
With my pwNPD, I get the impression of, " How DARE you catch me!"  Does anyone else get this feeling too?
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal and best doesn’t mean good.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

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blackberry wine

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2016, 03:34:17 PM »
I really believe that deep down they are afraid, but their hearts are empty.

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InTheDarkness

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2016, 06:49:40 PM »
unnamed,

You're describing my sister-in-law, whom my wife lived with from 12 to 18.  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Her sister also told her husband, decades ago, that she wished he was dead.  He took his gun and killed himself. 

It's amazing how all of us have withstood so much insanity and abuse.  I speak for myself when I say I'll never be the same regarding relationships, but I will heal and I will take back my life.


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chocolateraspberry

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #15 on: March 25, 2016, 07:01:30 PM »
The honest truth is that I WISH I didn't need to end our marriage - especially in the way I ended up having to do so. I feel guilty about not being able to tell him face to face and talk about it like adults. But I know how that would have turned out. I DO feel sad for him, his disorder and any hurt he feels and I DON'T hate him- although maybe that would make this easier! 

This was/is one of the single hardest aspects for me.

I feel Ive had my hand forced to violate my own values. I never intended to end my marriage. And it makes me ill, in so many ways, to recognize the best way for me to end things is written, from a distance. That methodology, while necessary to peotect me, goes against the very fiber of what I consider decency toward another human.

No matter what my husband has done, I still find myself feeling sorry for him and not wishing to hurt him.

I wanted, more than anything, a peaceful divorce. Despite his ongoing boundary violations and abuse, I still thought we could salvage a friendship.

But I know it's simply not possible with a person who will always see himself as the sole victim.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #16 on: March 25, 2016, 07:06:00 PM »
Blackberry Wine, may I ask if your h likes ANY women?  I ask because from the moment I met my ex n/bpd he had nothing but bad things to say about his mother, his daughter-in-law, his sister, and his 3 nieces.    I'm sure I've been added to that list although he last texted me in November that I was a wonderful person and he knew he had crossed boundaries and wished me luck in the future.   Fake hooverer.  I blocked him from my phone.

He may just loathe women close to him if he had sexual, physical or mental abuse by his mother in childhood.   That was the story with my ex.  Also, he heard the news while at my house that his sister had passed away.  Now that I look back he wasn't even phased.  My brother died and I fell apart.  Should have seen them red flags, but I thought I was the GOOD female.  The exception.  ha!   To my knowledge, this is more systemic of a BPD.

Keep an eye on him. Make sure he isn't taking his hatred out on the girls, especially as they become women.  Talk to the girls about their feelings.  I'm sure you already are, but it's so necessary so they don't seek the same type of man as their mate.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Kit99

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #17 on: March 26, 2016, 01:58:33 AM »
It's crazy how the pathology is so similar although we are all referencing different people and instances. For the longest time I had no idea what I was dealing with regarding his behavior. I know that I'm a flawed human being- as we all are!  But despite any of my shortcomings or mistakes I can honestly say I have never deliberately hurt my H or tried to "punish him" or be vindictive in any way. It just seems so foreign to me to do that to someone you love. Yeah, we all have disagreements but it's like simple life stressors or "tiffs" are turned into absolute disasters and wars by a PD. I'm trying to accept that this is simply par for the course with him, it will never change - as much as I want it to, and I need to let go of the dream and let go of the hope.

Thanks for all the great comments on this thread. I was so frustrated by some recent comments by my s2bx that I really needed to vent and see if others had experienced such frustration. Big hugs to you all!

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blackberry wine

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2016, 04:50:40 AM »
Blackberry Wine, may I ask if your h likes ANY women?  I ask because from the moment I met my ex n/bpd he had nothing but bad things to say about his mother, his daughter-in-law, his sister, and his 3 nieces.    I'm sure I've been added to that list although he last texted me in November that I was a wonderful person and he knew he had crossed boundaries and wished me luck in the future.   Fake hooverer.  I blocked him from my phone.

He may just loathe women close to him if he had sexual, physical or mental abuse by his mother in childhood.   That was the story with my ex.  Also, he heard the news while at my house that his sister had passed away.  Now that I look back he wasn't even phased.  My brother died and I fell apart.  Should have seen them red flags, but I thought I was the GOOD female.  The exception.  ha!   To my knowledge, this is more systemic of a BPD.

Keep an eye on him. Make sure he isn't taking his hatred out on the girls, especially as they become women.  Talk to the girls about their feelings.  I'm sure you already are, but it's so necessary so they don't seek the same type of man as their mate.

Rocket Girl, I think your question is a very good one.  His parents were hard working immigrants. They battled to get to their factory jobs with no car and when H was 2 years old he was left on his own for a good few hours every day as they worked a split shift, and he would travel miles to pick her up on a bicycle.  He was abused by two babysitters. His mother cries over these things now, but of course it's too late. She then had an accident when he was ten and he had to do all the housework and cooking and mind his two year old brother. I think his mother neglected him although it wasn't on purpose.  She has learned to be helpless and is a covert narc herself  I think - always pretending to be nice but becoming insistent and demanding if we don't run to her, whereas the other brother is the GC. She became depressed and angry when I was pregnant, and I didn't want to see her at all.

I cut the cord with them a few months ago, after driving MIL miles to the hospital to see FIL and being verbally abused trying to help, not for the first time. I've always felt a guilty that I wasn't the same nationality, so I was always going the extra mile. Stupid I know. Add to that my own FOO, well I was perfect bait.

I never thought he would treat the girls this way. He can't control them (or me any more) so the insults were getting much worse each time.
He was frightening all of us. I said he to him in a calm discussion recently in response to a question about the girls not loving him "Don't you understand you've killed my love and their love over and over calling us F..... C.... threatening us, keeping us from leaving, or pushing us out and shutting the door? Normal people don't do that."  He blamed us again. There is no hope for someone like that. The big "penny drop" for me was realising that my own anxiety kept me from leaving or asking him to leave. He's not scared what other people think either as he thinks he's in the right. Being split from him has been a terrifying thing. My imagination runs wild. I run over conversations we've had wondering if he's awake thinking about all the wrongs we've done him. Hardest thing I've ever done and the worst is yet to come I'm sure.

 

« Last Edit: March 26, 2016, 04:53:13 AM by blackberry wine »

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Rosemarie

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Re: Sorry I'm NOT SORRY
« Reply #19 on: March 26, 2016, 11:33:39 AM »
My ex did not like the women in his life. He was angry at his mother and grandmother and did not speak to them. I remember in the back of my mind, thinking he really does not like women and could stop talking to me at anytime. Well, I left before that happened. I also remember saying to him, I don't think you like women. He would of course blow it off, but after a while I felt like he was irritated with my existence. It was weird, because he would pay lip service to loving me and wanting to be in the relationship, but his energy did not match and it matched less and less over time. I can see now that he just sees women as objects to control and when he can't control them/us, he acts like they/we do not exist. I guess it is not surprising that this would be a pattern.
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir