Husband acted as a flying monkey against my clearly stated wishes--34 weeks preg

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vata

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This is my first post.  I'm shocked to find myself here asking others for help. 
Extensive BG:

My father is an alcoholic.  Mother massive narcissist and very codependent.  Years ago, I cut them both off after my father came to my house and tried to assault me several times.  He appeared to either be on something or withdrawing.  Regardless, his addiction was active.  My husband witnessed some of this behavior and we asked my father to leave our home that day.  He did.  After a day or two of cooling off, I called my parents and let them know that I would no longer have any contact with them until my father sought help and sobriety in a program designed for people with substance abuse.  My husband was well aware of this boundary.

Several days later or a week thereafter, my husband went shopping for shoes.  I was to go with him but woke up that day with a migraine headache and told him I'd stay home to rest.  I had no idea this headache upset him greatly.  After sleeping for 3 hours, I woke up feeling better and noticed he wasn't home.  I called him on his cell to ask how his shopping was going.  I was surprised that he wasn't home yet.  My husband announced he was in the car about 1 hour from my parent's home (we live out of state, 3.5 to 4 hour drive).  I was stunned!  I was furious!  Once at my parents home, my pathologizing narcissistic mother wanted details of my husband's discontent with me, and he handily provided that with embellishments to boot.  My husband told both of my parents that I was being abusive towards him (not true).  My parents ran with this.  I demanded my  husband come home, he refused, angrily so.  After a day, he did come home.  How I felt was completely betrayed by him.  He, on the other hand was totally unapologetic and angry at me (for what, I have no idea).  My parents, now embroiled in a totally made up argument between my husband and I now were leveling serious accusations against me.  I refused to speak with them.  As such, they called me about 20 + times/day.  I finally did speak with them, and put them on speakerphone so my husband could witness the chaos he created.  In that conversation, my parents threatened to kidnap me and take me in for psychiatric hospitalization because I was "mentally unstable".  At this point, I involved the police by filing a report and making a request that they visit my parent's home to ask them to leave me alone.  If they did not, I would file harassment charges against both of them.  They did relent.  I didn't speak to them at all for about 7-8 years.  In that time, I was frequently scared that they would show up at my house and try to kidnap me.

My marriage nearly fell apart.  It took years for my husband to finally own up to what he did and how wrong (on several levels) his behavior was.  From that day forward, our marriage, while somewhat recovered, had completely lost the innocence it had in days prior, it wasn't the same anymore---nor would it ever be.  I had moved on from what he did, but never, ever forgotten.

About 3-4 years ago, in going through my own healing process, I made the decision to contact my parents again.  By this time, my husband and I had developed a rock solid sense of healthy boundaries in our marriage.  It was understood that all communication with my family came through me and me only, and all communication from his family went through my husband and husband only.  No more messengers, no more flying monkeys, no more betrayal.  My husband even categorized his past behavior with my family of origin as "stupid, I don't even know why I did that".

2 years ago I gave birth to our first child.  My parents were involved in her life with extremely strict boundaries (ie. supervised visitation, no overnight stays, etc).  My father got diagnosed with terminal cancer.  He lived several years longer than expected.  He was an enabler to my mother's narcissism, denials, pathologizing, playing the victim role.  As a result, my mother became even more intrenched in her own pathology and never really developed any productive coping skills.  As my father's health deteriorated recently, I could have predicted that my mother's own PD would be lit up thus negatively impacting my relationship with her.  And, that's what happened.  In Oct '15, 2 days before I was to go to their home (pregnant, with my 2 year old, and husband), my mother e-mailed me that my father's behavior was "destructive" and "bizarre".  The next day I called her to discuss this, as I needed to clarify if this was again her pathologizing or if this represented a true safety issue for my child and myself.  The phone call lasted 17 minutes.  In it she made explosive, and highly memorable allegations against my father.  I told her that I would need to speak with my father about those things before committing to future visits with my family (naturally).  At that point, the Oct '15 trip was cancelled by me as well.

My mother did not want me to speak with my father---at all.  She didn't want to be held accountable for her statements, at all.  Rather than just ask me politely to not discuss those things with him, she instead chose to completely deny that our 17 minute phone conversation took place.  This was on the following day, mind you.  Yes, one day later.  She additionally accused me of lying, of making up the fact that this phone call took place.  And, she totally denied everything she said.  When confronted with technological proof (ie. digital phone record), only then did she "remember" this phone call but still denied any and all of her statements.  Furthermore, she leveled yet another accusation my way, that I was having a "vendetta" against her (totally false).  My mother then broke into my father's e-mail account, posed to be him, and sent me an abusive e-mail.  She did apologize for this days later, but it felt very Jerry Springer to me and further eroded my trust in her.  The only reason she took responsibility is there was electronic proof of her wrongdoing.  So she had to own up.

After a highly stressful and protracted argument with my mother over what constituted reality, I had enough.  I gave her an ultimatum: take responsibility, be completely honest OR she was choosing to be totally and completely estranged from my life.  She was told the estrangement would be permanent and result in no pictures from us as a family, zero contact, gifts landfilled.  She was informed this would also result in my father not seeing us either in his final days.  His last Christmas and T-day would go without visits.  No more Skyping them.  So, a 10 minute apology and acknowledgement that trust was broken, and we could resume limited contact.  My mother, knowing those stakes, choose estrangement.  That was 6-7 months ago.  I obliged.

As my father's health deteriorated, my uncle (mother's brother) became her flying monkey.  After telling him in writing not to contact me with updates, linking him to web-sites about flying monkey's, informing him he was inappropriate in his attempt to get between me and my mother, and threatening legal action, he complied.  I let my husband read that e-mail, so he knew exactly where I stood.  In addition to that, several weeks ago, I also put in place a boundary with my husband: if my mother calls him, he is to not answer, NOT tell me she tried calling, and NOT listen to voice messages.  We'd be keeping her calls as evidence of harassment either through 3rd party's (i.e.. flying monkeys) or directly, as I intend to pursue a cease and desist after the birth of my child in 2 weeks.  My husband agreed to this.

As of note, I'm having a very high risk pregnancy.  High blood pressure is a problem.  Being in a very low stress situation is what my doctor has ordered.  My husband is aware of this too.  He knows stress can be life-threatening for me and baby.  He understands very well the rationale behind insulating me from their chaos and NOT being a mouth piece for my mother.

Yesterday, my husband, for the second time in our marriage decided to put my mother's needs above my own.  He massively violated my trust.  He decided to listen to a voice message from my mother (one).  He decided to tell me that she had called him (two).  And, then, he shared the contents of that voice message with me (three).  The contents of which is my father's death.  In my own way, I had privately decided how I was to discover this info.  Given my medical status, that would have been AFTER I gave birth and was medically stable.  I live a state away, there was no reason for me to be involved in any of this.  There is excellent reason for me to continue doing what I'm doing as far as taking care of myself and baby.  My blood pressure went from 110/60 (on high dose blood pressure medication) to 168/107 (on the same dose!). 

I cannot even look at my husband without feeling very stressed out.  He betrayed me.  I don't want him at the hospital at all when it's time to give birth.  I'm afraid of what my BP will do and it will hurt or kill me/baby---so not to punish him, but because I'm so angry.  My husband put himself in the position as my mother's flying monkey.  I directly instructed him not to tell me this news, I directly instructed him to not even inform me of any phone calls from them.  He agreed to this, willingly, might I add.  But at the end of the day, he told me this news was weighing heavily on him and he needed to "get it off of his chest" to make himself feel better.

I don't know what to do.  I want to go to a hotel, but we have a 2 year old at home who needs me.  I feel like I'd be abandoning her.  I'm too sick to take her with me, I cannot care for her at the moment due to the high blood pressure.  I'm essentially on bedrest if that makes sense.

Is it time to start thinking about divorce or just try to work it out?  I have no idea how I'll ever trust this guy again.  He's violated my trust in such a critical way.  Has anyone ever had their spouse be a flying monkey for their narcissistic parent?  What did you do?  Is it possible to heal from this or did it end your marriage?

TIA for reading this and for offering any support and/or feedback.  Kind Regards!!!!

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footprint

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Dear vata,

I'm so sorry you're enduring this all while pregnant and with a toddler in tow.  I'm a mother of two (now 4 and just turned 7 years old this week), and can't imagine having to handle this, especially back when I was pregnant with my second and handling my toddler.   

What is the current situation with your husband?  Are you living with him right now, both under the same roof, etc.?  Has he apologized at all for the fact that he told you about your father's death?  I ask these questions because you are in dire need of support, and I'm trying to gauge whether your husband can be at all supportive to you as you get through the death of your father and approach the important moment of birth.  If he has any sense of remorse then perhaps he made a big mistake, was misguided in telling you about the death, and now regrets it.  I do not know, and I find the first thing he did to you 7-8 years ago (when he stayed with your parents after you told him you had a migraine) to be appalling, so that makes me less inclined to think he was misguided here.  But he could have been misguided, its possible.  And I also worry for your health and safety, and I know that a woman needs support and not stress as labor and birth get closer.

Whatever happens, you need support at this time. What is your current support network like, outside of your husband?
footprint

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vata

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I'm going to a hotel tonight, possibly until delivery.  I gave my husband a chance to speak to me in a constructive way tonight.  But, he gaslighted me, told me that I was blowing my anger out of proportion, and that I can't possibly want to be a single mother (then compared me to one of my friend's who is a struggling single mother of 2).  He acknowledges what he did was a mistake, but then, in the next breath, minimizes the effects of that on me and our marriage.

I have zero support at the moment (my husband and I were each other's primary supports).  However, I'm a very strong person and I have a very good doctor who is monitoring me 2/week.  I think just getting out of our home will help tremendously to give me what i most need at this time: an emotionally safe place to be.

Your words are so kind and thoughtful.  They made me cry.  Thank you for extending your concern my way.

Kind Regards

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footprint

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I have zero support at the moment (my husband and I were each other's primary supports).  However, I'm a very strong person and I have a very good doctor who is monitoring me 2/week.  I think just getting out of our home will help tremendously to give me what i most need at this time: an emotionally safe place to be.

I can understand this, vata.  I have really bad insomnia and sometimes find that my entire body relaxes if I feel that I'm in a safe place and around safe people.  Perhaps you need to be away from your husband at this time and this could be good for you and the baby.  I am also glad to hear that you have a good doctor who is monitoring you.   

Still, I am so sorry you're having to endure this and I hope that you can gain more support as you approach the birth.  The people here on the board are very loving and will no doubt help you out during this rough time. Remember that you are in no way obliged to contact your mother or to go to your father's funeral.  In fact, from what I've read here, sometimes going to the funeral of a parent who mistreated us can just add to the abuse we've already been through.

Sending big hugs to you at this time,
footprint

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Monologue Magnet

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Vata,

Welcome!  I'm pretty new around here myself, but I just wanted to say try to rest now and do what is best for your health and your kids.   I haven't been in your situation and can't give advice, but I get that having someone you love and trusted do something like that, especially at a time like this?  Oh, so not good!   :aaauuugh:

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vata

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About the funeral.  I'm totally cut off from my mother and, before his death, my father.  There is no way I'd even consider attending his funeral, high risk pregnancy or not.  I wish her well (in fact if she was well, I wouldn't need to write this post, lol), but those well-wishes do not extend to me contacting her ever again.  This is a permanent cut out.  She's been trying to contact me through snail mail, calling my husband, and having her brother e-mail me.  I consider all of this forms of harassment.  After baby, and after I'm well recovered, I will team up with a lawyer to send her a cease and desist letter.

I'm extremely grateful to be welcoming in a second child.  I agree with you guys that going to a place where I feel safe and rested is an excellent way to promote my health and baby's health.  My bags are nearly packed, it will be another 1-2 hours, but I'll be at a hotel tonight.  I may not be able to check this thread until tomorrow day or evening, it's getting late here.  But, I will check to see if there are any comments.

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kiwihelen

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It sounds to me as if your hub is trying to deal with his own FOO issues by interfering with your boundaries around family. I would say it is an absolute must that he's in therapy dealing with those issues before you consider continuing a relationship beyond co-parenting.
You are right to prioritize you and baby at this time. Sending you blood pressure lowering energy

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SunnyandBright

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So he is willing to throw you under the bus, to make himself feel better.  Now you know. 
Just from what you've written here, I'm going to guess that you are the strong one in your marriage -- and he expects you to be.  That's your role, and when you try to deviate from that role (by getting a headache - the audacity!) he can't take it, and blames it on you.  Has he ever physically cared for you?  Done anything for you when there wasn't something in it for himself?   If yes, than maybe I am off the mark. 

If he really is this selfish and prone to betrayal (would betrayal be this few and far between always -- or have circumstances just not arranged themselves to where he'd actually have betrayed you even more, if he felt he "needed" to?)  I would get out -- eventually.  I would think about this long and hard.

Meantime - you have two small children.  Eventually you will have to go back home -- even if you are sure the marriage is over.  I can only tell you what I would do and what I think is the most logical thing - if you really think your marriage might be over.  As hard as it would be, because we are not people who sneak and lie -- desperate times call for desperate measures.  I'd move back home and work on getting my ducks in a row, and when the time is right -- drop the bomb, and do what you need to do.   

The other choice is to hope this is a fluke thing (that happened twice) and that now you will be able to depend on your husband to not pull anything else, regarding your mother or anything else that comes up in your life and his.  We here on this board don't know him, we don't know if he is otherwise (when it comes to anything besides your parents) trustworthy or not.  We don't know if he's been holding up his end of the marriage, if he'll be a good father, if he'll take care of you and/or the kids if they are ever sick.....   It kind of worries me that he won't be very sympathetic to your children once they get older, if they ever get sick or hurt.  The migraine thing was completely wrong on so many levels.     
Please take care of yourself, and take the time you need to figure things out.   

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Cottonanx

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Even though I don't know you, I wish I could come and take care of your two-year-old and help support you in having the baby. This is more of a mama-to-mama feeling than anything else, as I too have been in difficult situations (but not nearly as difficult as yours!) with young children depending on me. I am so sorry this is happening.  :(
https://perfectpanicky.wordpress.com/
My story of growing up with parentification and living with anxiety as an adult.

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cinderella

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Vata, just wanted to send hugs your way. I'm dealing with my own FOO PD issues and at 20 weeks pregnant, I could really do without it. And that's without complications and betrayl from your husband.

I can't really advise on your relationship, but I really feel for you having to face all this at a time when feeling secure is so important. I have the oposite problem with my husband, where he sees me sucked into the fog and I end up torn between him and Foo and feeling guilty for letting him down. There's no easy way through the PD world, but at least people here are always here to listen. x
There was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good, she did exactly what her father wanted,
and when she was bad she made choices of her own.