Tips, life after NC

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Lovemypumpkins

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Tips, life after NC
« on: March 24, 2016, 11:14:43 PM »
How do handle all the changes, telling people, and contact with other family after going NC? Also, how frusterating are enabler siblings, like trained lap dog robots programmed to follow these pd people, not thinking for themselves and will throw anyone under the bus for these pd, I don't get it!!??? I'm happy and at ease with my decision. I have moments of FOG, but have realized it's not my fault, I didn't abuse myself. When did you stop thinking about it so much? I'm 10 days NC.

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Family Scapegoat

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Re: Tips, life after NC
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2016, 01:53:06 AM »
Hi Love My Pumpkins,

It is tricky dealing with questions like,  "how is your ____" (family member you went NC with)?  I have found that the people I am very close to are the only ones that get to know the real story.  As for everyone else... I come up with a vague response - "fine, haven't spoken to him/her for a while," or "not sure, I've  been so busy I haven't heard from him/her."  There's also just straight up truth, "we are estranged."  You do not need to justify or explain why.  If they push the questioon, you can say, "I'd prefer not to talk about it."  If people judge you or have a problem with it then you may want to keep your distance from them.

I went NC with my narcisnifter (Narcissistic, coke binging sister) 4 years ago.  She is the golden child of the family and I am the Scapegoat.  We are the text book dysfunctional family.  Both parents are narcissists.  There was zero affection or nurturance in our family and Sniffles (sister) being the golden child learned that emulating my father by solely focusing on making heaps of money and stepping on anyone in the process was the way to getting his approval.  Since I child #2 was not focused on making gobs of money, nor was I emotionally detached but rather emotionally expressive I became bah bah black sheep.  To this day she is enmeshed with my father and the two of them go on luxurious vacations together.  I can't say it doesn't sting, but I definitely would not want to be hanging out with either of them regardless of the swank level of their vacations.

As of yesterday, after my father (age 83) told me with full disdain and contempt that if I wanted a shoulder to cry on (all of my belongings in storage had gone missing) , or "sympathy" I was coming to the wrong person and should get professional help.  After 46 years of dealing with this monster I FINALLY made the decision to go NC - not because I "wanted" to but for self preservation.   There is inheritence at stake here, but at this point I say F the money, it ain't worth it.

I recently found this forum a week ago and it has literally saved me.  The fact that we all have had similar family traumas and have a safe environement to share our stories and get support has been the salve on a very painful wound. 

I think the more you focus on the beauty of your own life and not on the darkness of your FOO the thinking about them decreases over time.  But, it is a practice.  The mind is intrigued by pain and can easily get seduced into focusing on old stories and images.  Don't try and push them away, but merely acknowledge and accept them as a then feeling/memory,thought.  And then redirect your attention to what is real in  the moment.

My two cents.

We are all in this together - stay strong!

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DaisyGirl77

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Re: Tips, life after NC
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2016, 10:43:15 AM »
How do handle all the changes, telling people, and contact with other family after going NC?

I handled it by taking each day as it came.  I told people as it came up.  I didn't make a grand ol' announcement anywhere.  When people asked me how my mother was, I answered it based on my relationship with that person:

a)  Acquaintances:  "She's fine."  (Sometimes I tack on a "Last I heard", depending.)
b)  Friends & family members I haven't spoken to in a while:  "We don't talk/we're estranged."
c)  Close friends & other family members:  I give a little more detail ("I asked her for an apology for something she's done to me for decades & she decided it was easier to cut me out than to say 'I'm sorry.'")

I also take into consideration where I am at (in public, where there are a lot of eavesdroppers, or in a place that's a little more private) to answer the question.  In public, it's "She's fine" regardless of the person I'm talking to.  If they ask for more detail, I say something like, "I'll text/call/email you later."
I lived with my dad's uPD mom for 3.5 years.  This is my story:  http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=59780.0  (TW for abuse descriptions.)

"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm." - Anonymous

NC with uNM since December 2016.  VLC with uPDF.

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movingforward2

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Re: Tips, life after NC
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2016, 03:34:37 PM »
My husband has been more or less NC with his mom for about 4 years now.  I'd say, that over time, things got easier for him.  After a few months, he started to see things more clearly and was able to focus on his own life.

We approach our estrangement with his mom similar to how DaiseyGirl77 handles it.  It's hard for my H because his r/s with his brother has also suffered because he doesn't speak to his mom.  When his brother asks him about his mom, my H usually just says, "My r/s with you is separate from my r/s with mom.  I have my reasons for the contact I have with her." 

It's a sad situation.  At times, my H still gets depressed about it because she is his mom, but at the end of the day, he enjoys the peace with not having her in his life.  I'm not sure that the pain for him will ever go away, but it certainly has become less painful over time.

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Lovemypumpkins

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Re: Tips, life after NC
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2016, 03:51:48 PM »
Thanks everyone, this website is Amazing. I'm learning so much everyday!

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Miss Kay

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Re: Tips, life after NC
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2016, 05:00:12 PM »
I'm about 8 years out so I'm at a very different place than I was at 10 days.  For me that was just the beginning of learning what on earth happened in my family.  I didn't know about PD's and didn't know you could even go NC really.  I just knew I had put up with enough and when I'm done, I'm done!  As others say, when strangers ask about parents I say they are gone (dad has passed but she is in a home).  That's all they need to know.  Close family either went NC with me to punish me for not toeing the line with mom or they knew her well enough to understand completely why I finally walked away from the abuse.  Those in between get "Oh she's doing well" and from what I hear she is.  Really dealing with other people is the easy part.  The hard part is healing your heart and learning what normal is.  It is not normal or healthy the way we have been raised and that taught us some very bad behaviors and expectations.  That takes a lot of help to get over such as research, studying, therapy, this web site, and forming new relationships with healthy people.  You must go through the grieving process and that takes time.  You will not miss the abuse but you will miss having a family even if it is a horrible family.  You must avoid more damage though or you won't get better.  You simply can't get clean until you stop swimming in the sewer!  If you do the work, you will start to heal and then learn a new and healthier way to live.  In time you will discover joy and happiness, maybe for the first time in your life.  You will always have scars though but you will not look at them with the sadness that you do now.  You may even look at them with pride that you lived, you survived, and were strong enough to save yourself.  It really does get much better but it takes time.  Resist the temptation to be sucked back in.  You know that bible verse about a dog returning to his vomit.  That's what I think of the toxic members of my family.  They are vomit that I must avoid. 

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SeaSalt

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Re: Tips, life after NC
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2016, 02:20:49 AM »
Thank you Miss Key this post was very helpful to me today.

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breathe123

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Re: Tips, life after NC
« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2016, 12:54:08 AM »
The hard part is healing your heart and learning what normal is.  It is not normal or healthy the way we have been raised and that taught us some very bad behaviors and expectations.  That takes a lot of help to get over such as research, studying, therapy, this web site, and forming new relationships with healthy people.  You must go through the grieving process and that takes time.  You will not miss the abuse but you will miss having a family even if it is a horrible family.  You must avoid more damage though or you won't get better.  You simply can't get clean until you stop swimming in the sewer!  If you do the work, you will start to heal and then learn a new and healthier way to live.  In time you will discover joy and happiness, maybe for the first time in your life.  You will always have scars though but you will not look at them with the sadness that you do now.  You may even look at them with pride that you lived, you survived, and were strong enough to save yourself.  It really does get much better but it takes time.  Resist the temptation to be sucked back in.  You know that bible verse about a dog returning to his vomit.  That's what I think of the toxic members of my family.  They are vomit that I must avoid.
:yeahthat:
My last contact was Christmas day and although it wasn't planned at the time to be the last phone call, I realised shortly afterwards that my limit has been reached.  I have nothing to say to uBPD mum, I have tried over the recent past to enforce boundaries, I tried explaining politely, tried assertively and resorted to shouting(which is not a familiar behaviour for me).  All to no avail... still my uBPDM wonders "what has she ever done to upset Breathe123 so much? EVERYBODY, aunts, cousins agrees with her(mum) and can't understand what is wrong with me". 
After reading this website for a while, I have given myself permission to step away from the circular arguments, the shaming, the manipulation and the yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach when a phone call to uBPDM to due.  I see my own teenage children and my parenting of them and realise the unacceptable projections my mother inflicted on me when I was a teenager.  My desire to please her made me complicit in her abuse of me, it took nearly 3 decades for the FOG to finally lift. But now that it has, I am a changed person.  I don't hate her, I feel sorry for her but that does not absolve her of all the hurt and pain she has caused.  The consequences of her behaviour have resulted in my NC and unfortunately her inability to accept blame and thereby unwillingness to change(I really don't think at her age change is really possible) means that our relationship is irreparable.  But I am ok with that and it is that realisation that gives me peace. 

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Souz

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Re: Tips, life after NC
« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2016, 09:10:51 AM »
I am 6 months NC with uBPDM. I am on the doorstep of going NC with my non PD, enabler dad. My tips would be counselling, writing (or any other healthy outlet), talking to a supportive friend whenever it feels really heavy. You need to learn to reject the damaging messages you've been told and be really kind to yourself. I realized a few months into NC that I had taken over for my mom. I had blocked all contact from her, but then I was the one telling myself that I was a bad daughter for doing this. That I was breaking her heart. That other people are upset with me. I was carrying around so much shame for having done what I believe in my heart is the healthiest for my family. So the last few months I have been working on that. At the 6 month mark, I am beginning to feel more relief, but it has been hard work. And I know it will continue to be. I'm committed to doing the work to come out of this without letting the guilt be my new prison.

As far as what to tell other people, I have decided that I am not in a place to discuss it, aside from close friends. There will come a time I'm sure when I will be healed enough to speak more openly with people I am not close with, but for now, I feel no need. I read on this site someone said they just say "we're not close" and I love those words.

Also, this site has been a really great resource. I only just found it recently and I think it has helped me tremendously to come to this place where I am feeling a bit of peace returning to my life.
Be brave enough to break your own heart - Cheryl Strayed