Just feeling so down so fast.

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evenso

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Just feeling so down so fast.
« on: March 25, 2016, 08:14:27 PM »
So, from my other posts, I'm sure many have seen that I initially tried to go no contact without word. It was after a huge blowout so it wasn't just completely random for them to not expect any contact. Unfortunately, a sister ended up coming by my home and then by my fiance's work to inquire. I then responded to one of her messages to put it out there clearly that there was not to be able further communication and that this is what I wanted for my life...etc. Since then, nothing. I've been feeling so good and healthy since then. No seeing their messages pop up or calls which immediately put me into a state of anxiety. I've mentally made so much progress with how my life will move forward and I just can't imagine going back.

So, today my father texts me saying that I need to call him because he needs to hear my voice that I'm fine or he'll bring the police to my home to see me...So, I call to try to do the same thing I did with my sister (probably not a good choice). I make it clear to him there will be no communication, that I want no communication, and that his efforts will be in vain as I'm an adult. He says to just call him once a every now and again and he'll leave me alone. I tell him no. He says just to meet one time anywhere I want and he'll leave me alone. I say no and reiterate this is the end and that we should leave it respectfully because any further would just get messy legally. He says, fine, because at least to get a restraining order I have to go to court and he'll get to see me in person there.

I'm just so upset. I just want to be let go and move on with my life. The last thing I wanted was to get police and court involved. With all the wedding costs, the last thing I have money for is court costs. I also don't even know if they'll grant it. So, I'm stuck trying to decide if I should endure ignoring him outside my house (if he truly stakes it out) until next year and be stuck calling police each time. So much for almost getting through the week positively.

What was your first year going NC like? Any stories or words of support would help. Thank you for reading.

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DaisyGirl77

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Re: Just feeling so down so fast.
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2016, 10:45:29 PM »
You don't have to just "endure" what they do.  Call the police & tell them you want to have something on record:  Your family is abusive; your father has essentially threatened to stakeout your home, & harass & stalk you, & you feel threatened by all of this.  You have made it crystal clear that you do not want any contact by any member of your family, & your father is refusing to respect this.  Ask for your address to be on record/flagged so if you ever have to call, they'll respond quickly.
I lived with my dad's uPD mom for 3.5 years.  This is my story:  http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=59780.0  (TW for abuse descriptions.)

"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm." - Anonymous

NC with uNM since December 2016.  VLC with uPDF.

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movingforward2

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Re: Just feeling so down so fast.
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2016, 12:15:49 PM »
When my H and I first went NC with my NMIL, it got kind of nasty.  We have two DD's, so that complicates things.  About a month and a half after we went NC, my NMIL and FIL actually stalked my DD's school bus to give her a gift.  It was scary for my DD (6 at the time) to get of the bus and be chased by my NMIL across with street with a basket of goodies.  A couple of years later, my H reached out to his mom to try to fix things.  She wanted to see our DD's right away and we said no.  So, she showed up at our house with picket signs and signs on her car and actually picketed to see our DD's.

For the first incident, I put in writing that my DD's were not allowed to see their paternal grandparents.  They aren't allowed to pick them up, get them off the bus, eat lunch with them at school, etc.  I called the cops when she picketed.  There wasn't much they could do, but she ended up leaving.

You could try a cease and desist letter before involving the cops.  Ironically, my in-laws sent me a letter trespassing me from their property, despite the fact that I have been there 3 times in the past 4 years.  Every time I was invited.  They did this to spite me, which is fine.  I want nothing to do with them anyhow.  However, they also sent a copy to the local sheriff's office.  That is something you could do that doesn't directly involve the cops,  but makes a paper trail and it doesn't involve you seeing your father in court.  You could send it certified mail.  Now, it might  make your dad mad and he might come over to your house, but then if you call the cops, you have a paper trail.  That might hold up in court better. 

It's an awful situation and I'm sorry that you are in it.  My parents aren't disordered, but I've seen what my H has gone through and it is just awful. 

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evenso

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Re: Just feeling so down so fast.
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2016, 01:13:42 PM »
Thank you for your replies. So far nothing has happened. I've been feeling under the weather this week so I think added with that incident sent me over the edge emotionally. I've calmed down. My car was having issues so it gave me something to redirect all my focus on. Luckily it just needed a new battery (apparently the old one was seven years old which they told me is pretty great as far as a lifespan went). Now that everything is back up and running...I realize I am too lol if that's not too cheesy.

I did email for some legal information on my options if the contact does not end. I never thought of a cease and desist so I really appreciate the information for that. I'll read into it and see my options. I was thinking my only options would be a CSPO.

The funny thing is when he asked to meet me once...I almost entertained the idea (didn't let him know that) if it would end things...however, then he added that the meetings would need to continue (almost like a visitation order) which obviously defeats the whole purpose of no contact. I clarified meeting was only going to be a form of backing me into a corner and I wasn't having any of it which he said that it wouldn't be...but isn't threatening me with police if I don't call you just that? I just find it sad that they can't see the actions for what they are. I understand it's hard and I'm "divorcing" them so to speak but I can't make them healthy for me. I can't be healthy for them. I'm telling them what I need and they don't want to accept it which further shows my best interests are not respected.

My fiance thinks if I meet just once and explain (he says I certainly don't owe them any explanations) then it'll be easier for them to let go. He says he tries to think from their perspective of if someone close to him just stopped talking to him then how it could make you crazy to try to get to that person. However, I just don't agree especially with what my father had said on the phone. No amount of explaining is going to change the outcome we're experiencing now. It'll just put it off for another week. I also try to explain to him how this is all really common manipulative tactics to continue the relationship for their emotional needs. I also just know that deep down they know what they've done, they know their behaviors, and they will never admit to them or not downplay it. However, he doesn't understand and I'm not sure how to make him understand. He wants me to be happy and absolutely wants me to do what I feel is best. However, I can see that he thinks this all would be less dramatic if I met with them in person. I can certainly see how they can try to use him as a scapegoat and blame my no contact on my fiance "stealing me from them" but that's still going to continue even if I met them.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2016, 01:15:26 PM by evenso »

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argh

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Re: Just feeling so down so fast.
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2016, 05:18:42 PM »
oh god my father went on for a while! It's funny because in fact the person who I struggle with the most to move on from is my mother - who was totally enmeshed/best friend/parentified me/emotionally manipulated me and I often forget how nutso my father was and what I had to deal with.

I don't know your back story - but I've worked out from reading this forum for a little while that the details often aren't that important - we're all dealing with fruitloops and the question is how do you deal with a fruitloop.

I think it's great news that your fiancé thinks that a constructive discussion with your father would work - hoorah - that means that he knows that constructive discussion is the best way to deal with relationship disagreements. Of course the big asterisk to this is that it doesn't apply to fruitloops (and again - hoorah that your fiance doesn't really know this because it means he is not a fruitloop).

I tried many times to have discussions with my father - I look back now and just want to give myself a big hug - I would have been 18 and 19. At 19 I went to visit him in another city - had to leave hotel in the middle of the night because he was being so difficult. He then moved cities. At 20 - I moved to that city where (without realising it) he was living. He rocked up at my student dorm because he'd recognised the family car outside. I thought well I'll go out for a coffee with him and discuss how the relationship could work. You will be unsurprised to hear that didn't work - big fight - I can't remember him coming past again but I know realise how unbelievably stressed that must have made me for the rest of the term (of course I had to pretend both to others and myself not a problem...). At age 24 I got a letter to the office I was working from a friend of his telling me how sorry he was and what a great guy he was. A few months later an Xmas card from his new wife telling me how she didn't understand how a daughter could reject her father (hmmm - well think about that one lady - it's not a GREAT sign) and then - my favourite of all - the Salvation Army family tracing service sent me a letter again to my WORKPLACE. Let's just say that Major Barbara Goodie F***ing Dogooder got a lesson in real life - if my father has my work address - and is clearly able to contact me - clearly there is a reason why I have not responded!!!

At 29 I then moved far far away overseas. Fastfoward to 35 - email from the front desk at my office - your father is here. WTF. I did know he was in Europe visiting my sister (which had gone tits up and she'd rung me to tell me he was on the loose) - but of course these days with Google not too hard to find out where I am. So he rocked up at my work - who could not have handled it worse - I worked from home for a couple of weeks. Nothing since then.

So that's my story - if it's helpful to know that you're not alone in experiencing some version of this psychoness.

The very good news I can report is two fold. Now - at the much wiser age of 40 - I've finally really started to feel much more empowered and if he rocked up on my doorstep now I have real faith in myself that I would deal with it. Secondly - and I very much stress that this depends on the situation - I think that I was never in as much danger as I thought I was. My mother loved to talk up how much danger we were in (because then it bolstered her position as the martyr and gave her an excuse to stay in our expensive house instead of worrying less about money and leaving) - but I know see that he was never really going to hurt me physically - I had and have much more power than I thought. But again I stress that was in my circumstances - sometimes it is very right to be afraid of physical harm (and I don't mean that emotional harm cannot be as damaging).

With my less overt but equally as damaging mother I've been NC for about a year and she still sends cards and emails every now and then but at the moment I don't feel strong enough to respond and I think that I have FINALLY accepted that there is no point whatsoever in having a proper discussion - she won't get it. At best I can hope when I feel strong enough to re-establish a very superficial and distant relationship.

So in short my experience is that after you've tried a few times - a conversation won't work.  If there is a risk of harassment and physical abuse then ABSOLUTELY contact the police - and err on the side of caution with this - but in terms of your emotions try not to give them too much power in terms of making you on edge. Out of your life means (hopefully - eventually!) emotionally as well as physically.

One final anecdote - I can remember one TORTURED phone call with my father - just picked up the phone with the silent number - there he was - god knows how he got it - much wailing and anguish about how he's my father, he want's to know about my life etc etc so I said fine okay - adopted conversational tone - this is what I've been up to, these are the subject's I'm studying, I'm going on a trip here etc etc - response = silence = then more wailing about how he's my father. I hung up after a while. It's like talking to a brick wall while standing in quicksand.

If your in physical danger - get the police. If the worst he's going to do is stand outside your property and call you or email you - well that's really unbelievably crap and unacceptable - but the thing that I have finally worked out is that you actually can cope with that. You can cope with all of this. You really can. The police can protect yourself from physical danger and you can work out strategies to protect yourself from emotional danger.

And if you haven't already it might be helpful to give your fiancé some books - or even show him this website - to help him understand these people. I have a lovely friend who is brilliantly supportive - and tries really hard - but every now and then she'll say something and I'll be like oh you really don't get it. eg my mother will send some emotionally manipulative message and present and she'll say oh but she just wants you to be happy. Now that I've discovered this forum I pop on here and say yeah well what do you reckon? And straight away it's like oh yes I see what that really means......But like I said - I think it's good he doesn't get it - it means he's not One Of Them.

You will get through this. Trust me.