Sick and exhausted

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Rosemarie

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Sick and exhausted
« on: March 26, 2016, 02:42:26 AM »
I left my PD in November. I have been sick alot of this winter. I just got over 2 weeks in bed with the flu. I don't feel well most of the time. I wonder if others have or have had this experience. I had one good day recently where I felt human, even emotionally, then back to feeling exhausted and run down. My digestive system is off and I was not sleeping regularly, but the sleep part is getting a little better. I am hoping spring will help bring me out of this, but it is discouraging.

And another note, I am going to be in the same building with PD tomorrow. He likes to make his presence known and I am going to make every effort not to interact, but I am sure there will be something. Not looking forward to this.

"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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Sunny

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2016, 05:38:21 AM »
Hi Rosemarie! Welcome back and sorry you are down :sadno:. I hope the winter blahs will soon go away.

Not giving actual medical advice  :) but I have taken to seeing an MD with endocrinology experience. She checks my thyroid levels, gives me estrogen which helps my mood (I'm going thru The Change), and suggests dietary and sleep changes. I LOVE her!!

Also see my MD psych a few x/year for anxiety etc, and my T when I'm feeling flush with cash. So much support, even if I have to pay these people to help prop me up!!

I suggest thinking of ways to put yourself in good, enriching situations too. See a concert, have a good meal out with a friend...TLC for Y-O-U!! Hugs, Sunny

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Hikercymru

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2016, 05:49:28 AM »
Hi Rosemary
I remember you and I both getting shot of our partners around the same time. Yes, I have been ill quite a bit also and trying to soldier on in my teaching job,  which required me to be in work at all times.
I think we are probably run down and exhausted from all the turmoil our relationships Brought. I have tried to appreciate that it's my body's way of getting me to rest and relax. Funnily enough the last few days I have felt wonderfully calm and happy. I think it s part of our healing. I watch Netflix. I have started crocheting,  working in the garden,  just simple things. We need to give it time. My energy levels have been fluctuating. One day I feel and look good, the next I really don't. My colleagues have commented on it (in the nicest possible way).
Big hugs
We will be okay and spring is here (even though in the UK we are forecast to have wind and rain all easter)

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Rosemarie

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2016, 09:29:28 AM »
Yes, thanks. I have been feeling that my body just wants to rest. I of course am getting busier with my work and need a little more energy. I am trying to be kind and patient with myself. I did hire people to help me as well, my T and an organizer for my business. These things have been helpful. I work with herbs and they help a lot too. I have tried to remind myself that 13 years of the stress of the relationship will probably take longer than a few months, but I really want a life that is enjoyable and i am trying to muster up the energy to move, which is not easy.  I think these relationships take such a toll, I know I remember going into it, I had hoped that it would contribute to my life, not tear me down. It really did take me down in so many ways. I am now needing to make sure my life is rich and focused on me. Right now that is a lot of rest and healing. I like to be active and I took a walk yesterday, which was nice. I am going to begin doing this more often. I suspect as the weather changes, it will become easier.
Much healing to everyone.
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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hhaw

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2016, 12:40:42 PM »
Rosemarie:

Hang in there, and remember the good days when you're having bad days.

It's going to take a while for your body to adjust to not having all the pressure and stress of the pd on you.

I think there's a real adjustment period, and our bodies don't know how to handle it.

::making cup of hot cyber tea and scones for Rosemarie::

hhaw

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Rosemarie

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2016, 03:41:20 AM »
"It's going to take a while for your body to adjust to not having all the pressure and stress of the pd on you. "

Thanks hhaw for saying this directly. My body really is adjusting. I realized as I have been unraveling from this, that I had been in defense mode for a long time, trying to protect myself. I had a vaque awareness of this, but not full awareness. Now I am clear, my body was keeping track and trying to protect me.

I have been reading a book titled The Body Keeps Score and it is insightful.

I need to be more patient with myself, because as you stated there is an adjustment period and the body needs time to make this adjustment.

Thanks again.

"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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Rose1

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2016, 04:41:59 AM »
I got quite ill too. For the first year or so I seemed to be always fighting something, got pneumonia etc. I went to my naturopath and his opinion was that your body and mind hold up during all the stress but that it causes damage. When things relax the body and mind say "OK I can let go now". He likened it to a transformer - more and more energy (stress) goes into a transformer and the same level comes out. There is however a side effect in the transformer which is heat and in us it's health that suffers.
I did what I could to strengthen my immune system. Worked on colds as they came on - lots of vit c, various herbs and hot bath. I tried not to get sick. After a while it got better. I think it stands to reason and in fact has been documented that stress impacts the immune system negatively. Like with all the healing process, it takes time.
Take care

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hhaw

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2016, 04:47:58 PM »
If you google Crossinology and BIT Brain Integrative Technique you'll find information on brain pathways shutting down when fight or flight kicks in..... the part of our brains responsible for flight or flight are also responsible for integrating the right and left hemispheres of the brain..... my 15yo dd has experienced tremendous relief with her ability to recognize, process and choose emotions that once had her shutting down/melting down like a 3yo.

I'm also reading POWER VS FORCE, and Marie KONDO's book on the Japanese art of decluttering and organizing, which isn't really about organization.  It's about dealing with old emotional stuff, and putting it down.

Cheers,
hhaw 

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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InTheDarkness

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2016, 05:31:37 PM »
For the past 9 years, I've been coming down with respiratory viral infections about every 3 weeks.  Went through all the blood work and cultures, tested for Lyme Disease, even STDs in case my uBPDw was having fun on the side.  Everything negative.  Thyroid medication didn't help.  Also have had a long spell of gastro and food intolerance issues.  Also, lost sexual function 6 years ago.  It's only in the past couple of years that the T and my primary both concluded that I was in fight or flight mode from over two decades of emotional/verbal abuse.   I knew I was stressed to the max but when they both came to the same conclusion, it was like an epiphany.  It didn't mean my health issues diminished.  I'm still in the marriage and planning to see an attorney, so I can anticipate continued poor health.  At least I know the reason why my health has dramatically declined.

My antidote is to watch music videos on YouTube of artists and groups that I like, especially songs that get my head in a good place, like The Band Perry's DONE.  Great breaking up song.

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Ginger56

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #9 on: March 27, 2016, 11:59:46 PM »
Hi Rosemarie- sorry to read you have been Ill. I was thinking about what I know of your situation and wanted to mention this. Not only have you been dealing with he fall out of a breakup and the abuse, you are still dealing with having to be contact with your ex. The whole event has been emotionally and physically draining on you but you are also still dealing with him so you haven't had a true break from him. You are still dealing with the stress of being in contact with him so it's probably hindering your ability to fully heal. At least I feel this way about myself. My divorce continues to drag on month after month as my stbxpdh just will not let go and allow me to lock the door on him. Even though I have been 100% NC for seven months, I'm in a weekly legal battle with him trying to get him to stop delaying the process. I honestly feel it's my biggest obstacle in feeling better physically and mentally. I want so much to have some energy and some happiness but it eludes me. Today, Easter Sunday, I sat around reading and what not. I didn't even get dressed. This is not me. I just do not feel like doing anything and I to have been run down and I'll this winter. Not to mention putting on weight! Arrrghh! But any ways, I think our healing and health will be delayed while we continue to deal with these men, even from afar. I'm hoping that time and our own efforts to overcome the damage done to us will eventually prevail. We can't give up, but we can be patient. Everything that has happened to us takes a toll on us. For me personally, I view it as proof of how horribly I've been treated by my H for years , because I can see and feel (as can other people ) just what life with a PD spouse has done to me. You are doing so much to help yourself! You read and research and study books- and you write wonderful things on this forum that are so helpful to people like me. Thank you for that! I truly hope you will begin to feel better soon! Giant hug to you! .... It's springtime!  :yes:
Whether it's a parent, sibling, friend, spouse or family member, do not allow them to drag you down a hole for the rest of your life.

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Rosemarie

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #10 on: March 28, 2016, 01:54:20 AM »
Hello Ginger56,

Thanks for your response. One thing too that your response reminded me is that i am also exhausted by not having support. I can't really talk about this with many people. Most just don't want to hear it. I even distanced from a couple of friends and a family member, as a result of the lack of understanding and compassion. Your reflection, compassion, witnessing and camaraderie are greatly appreciated. And yes i do continue to deal with and see him from time to time. I think too, I still believe I will get over it and be able to interact with him....which is ridiculous. I will transcend this, but will not be hanging out with him and buying into his nice guy stuff. I set a boundary with him yesterday and then later cried about it. Yes this takes a physical toll for sure.

I have been reading a book titled the Body keeps score and wow can I see that in myself.  I don't have near the energy I used to and I am having trouble making decisions. I had been very decisive in the past. I also can tell, that I am more relaxed in my daily life, I don't feel the constant keep to guard and protect myself. I did not even realize in the relationship that I was doing this, but now that I am not, I see it. I feel like veils are continually being lifted and that I get new understandings daily. This often brings up sadness and grief and I also get relief. What a process.

For you, how is it that he can continue to drag your divorce out? That is maddening. I hope that this ends soon. You will prevail and you will have peace.

Thanks again for reaching out!!

 :bighug:
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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Ginger56

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #11 on: March 28, 2016, 10:29:24 PM »
HI Rosemarie- Oh my gosh you are so right about the lack of support being a factor! I'm in the same boat. I have next to no family in the area and I work in an all male department at work. I relocated to this area when I finished college so I don't have the benefit of having school friends and such in the area. I'm not only lacking in support , I don't know female friends. I do have a sister to talk to sometimes. I have been noticing that on he rare occasion I can speak to someone about my legal troubles and what not I very quickly feel better. It actually happened to me today, so I think you are correct that lack of close and understanding support is a factor. I also know what you mean by some people just don't understand and I also have had to limit my contact for the time being with my oldest son. He truly does not understand what I'm going through or the damage it has done to me, I've set a boundary with him! He can be very difficult and not the best interaction for me right now. I have heard of the book you mention. I've seen quite a few recommendations for it and I'm hoping to get a copy soon, I recently flew to another part of the country to stay with a relative that has been exceptionally supportive. My T has been urging me to do this for months. I have traveled to many countries over the years with my H, but never alone. I made myself buy a plane ticket and do it I'm hopes of feeling better. I have to tell you it was the most relaxed I've ever been while traveling. It's like you said- an unveiling. My eyes are slowly being opened as to just how much I was controlled and manipulated. My H would tell me which line to get I to, push and pull me, tell me to walk faster, etc.  I realize now how that behavior made me feel incompetent, stupid, an annoyance, stupid, and totally reliant on him. I always dreaded the travel part and learned to keep my mouth shut and to try to comply to keep him happy. It becomes second nature to assume a role like that over time. It's pathetic!! Never again! All these years he made me feel that my anxiety was the travel and it actually was caused by trying to keep him happy. You are so right! Each day new discoveries and unveilings occur. As for my dragged out legal drama- I bought the house from him and paid in full cash 6 months ago. He was to file the deed. He has taken the money I paid him and bought himself an expensive home and never filed the deed. His council actually is covering for him on this and continues to not respond to many letters from my council. We have taken him back in front if the judge and they have been told to hand it over, but still no deed, so back to the judge again this week. He also has held up the divorce by now claiming he needs to meet with me in the house and walk around to see if there is any other property he wants!!! So as a result he has not paid me the large sum of money he needs to put into my retirement. I'm refusing to meet with him or allow him in my house to look around. The judge and my council are pressuring me to agree to this but I won't. So it's a very stressful and ugly mess in the court right now. This added stress has definitely taken a huge toll on me mentally and physically. I'm glad you felt strong enough to set a new boundary with your ex. I understand the tears. The tears make us feel better when they stop- it's how are body releases stress. Many, many times I welcomed them knowing if I gave into them even for a few minutes that I would feel a little better. When I get to my car at the end of work I still,cry sometimes when I drive away. I think I must hold in in all day in the office while I try to act like everything is OK. What I think is so positive about all your reading and learning and self reflection is that you are choosing to recover and heal. You are taking a very active roll,in this process. You aren't hiding from the pain or sticking your head in the sand-- you are facing it head on and determined to get through the misery and be happy and healthy!! I'm doing the same !! It is a long road but I'm determined to navigate it the best I can. I know you will get there ! No one can rob us of our determination! I hope you have an easier week. hugs!!!  :wave:
Whether it's a parent, sibling, friend, spouse or family member, do not allow them to drag you down a hole for the rest of your life.

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Tj1990

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2016, 12:23:39 AM »
Gosh I feel the same.  Have had every cold, stomach bug, etc that has gone around this winter.  Having digestion issues undiagnosed because I made the mistake of telling my family doctor that I am going through a divorce.  So I think he has written me off as anxious and a bag of nerves.  I see a gastro specialist in May.   I think every bit of my issues are stress related.  I have been on guard for so many years that now it's like my body is crashing.  I'm truly not depressed... am relieved to be getting away from UNPDH,  but I am exhausted.  I am trying to get lots of sleep and rest and eat well.  I  hoping that once my divorce is final, I've bought a house and settled in with the kids, my immune system will improve and my energy will come back.  Until then, I just try to cut myself some slack whenever possible!

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Rosemarie

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Re: Sick and exhausted
« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2016, 01:28:08 AM »
 :yeahthat:
Yes cutting ourselves slack is important. I am not always good at this, but my body often insists.

I have to say too, that as far as support goes, I so appreciate this space. I am so grateful for the support and the sharing. It helps me be kinder to myself.


"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir