8 days of seperation.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #20 on: March 31, 2016, 07:56:46 PM »
Clarity is so right, LilyM.  I love how your guy takes no responsibility for your breakup.  Its YOU have found someone else, YOU are being mean, how can YOU do this to him...   Nothing HE did is the cause.  And he will continue to think that because they cannot process in their minds that they are bat shit crazy and we might not be willing to put up with it.  I think that's how they start closing us out and discarding us as well.  WE were never good enuf for them anyway, all THEY tried to do for us and we just couldn't realize how good we had it....  All sound familiar?

Now you are in the early stages of hoovering.  He will NOT go away if you keep engaging him.  You are trying to use logic on the unreasonable.  He doesn't hear a word you are saying, because he is not in the wrong in his mind.  You may as well be talking about paint. 

The hoovering is pathetic.  It goes from angry, to sexy, to argumentative, to loving, to feel sorry for me, to how can you be so stupid.  Expect it all.  He's looking for that one weakness that results in a reply.  And, don't expect the hoovering to stop.  They don't go away easily.  Mine still hoovers between gf's and it has been a year.  You just need to put your head down and keep moving away from him.   It's not about him when you are doing this, it's about you.  It will help make you stronger and help you come Out of the FOG quicker.

We have all been there, unfortunately.  We are all nice, decent, good hearted people who got involved with very ill people. It isn't our job to save them, although I sure thot that for the longest time.  Now I know differently and it is freeing.

Good luck. 
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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LilyMarlene

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #21 on: March 31, 2016, 08:54:13 PM »
Thanks, all.  I know that Clarity, RocketGirl, and so many others are right.  Yes, mentally I "know" that I cannot use logic on the unreasonable.  He MAY not give me that warning if he decides to show up on my doorstep. 

My friend dropped off his stuff to him yesterday, as planned.  She said his car was there, but he wouldn't answer the door.  Despite me asking him earlier in the week to leave MY stuff out on Wednesday for her to get, she reports that he did not.  Big surprise.  Never saw that one coming    :roll:

Received a text from him last night, saying that he had seen his stuff outside where she'd left it.  Told me I could have just thrown it away.  But he will keep the "bag of memories" (cards I'd given him throughout our relationship, which he had dumped on me after a fight, and which I'd been sort of nagging him to take home, after we'd reconciled this last time).  He referenced a gift he'd given me, said he was glad I'd kept it, as it was given in such a spirit of love. 

I didn't respond.  Just hoovering, as Rocket has picked up.

It has been 3 days NC.  It isn't hard at all to refrain.  With curious detachment, I wonder what he'll do next.  But I wonder why I can't bring myself to block him?  There has to be some payoff for me?  I don't relish his texts.  I don't get off on them..  I'm indifferent to them.  And I know there's nothing he can say to sway me at this point, and I dont even miss him.  I have to believe that there is some part of me that needs to maintain this false sense of control, like if I know what his mindset is, I can gauge my risk-level? 

Has anyone else had these feelings, when they do NOT wish to be back together w/their ex PD?


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LilyMarlene

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #22 on: March 31, 2016, 09:03:52 PM »
I will add that, in terms of having a "plan"....I have advised my landlords (who live on the property) that he is not welcome here.  I also advised EX of this, when we broke up.  Aside from their near-24-hr presence here, though, this is a remote location with NO ability to lock my house.  I'm considering investing in a surveillance camera, however. 

I do NOT feel he is crazy enough to attempt to show up unannounced.  I also don't feel like he'll physically harm me or my property.  YEs, I realize that others have made that same mistake.

Rocket...I can very much see him moving on and finding another "source," it not working out, and him trying to worm his way in again down the line.  Hadn't considered it, but yes, I can see him doing that between GFs. 

Again, for the record...I am NC and will stay that way.  I don't care what he throws at me.  And if he causes me ONE moment of high blood pressure via text...My plan is to block his number immediately, before I ever get tempted to respond. 




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Rocket Girl

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #23 on: March 31, 2016, 10:01:01 PM »
Good.  Stay strong!  Keep posting and keep reading.  It will help you stay focused and on the right path.   My guess is he will give up and go online to find the next victim,  oops, girlfriend. 
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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hhaw

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #24 on: March 31, 2016, 10:43:33 PM »
LM:

I'd write off my stuff if I didn't have anything really important at the pd's house.  He's already shown you he's going to use it to drag this out, and bait you into communicating with him.   Is it worth it?

Maybe it is.  Maybe you're not quite done with him yet.  I often find that people use the excuse of "stuff" as reason to keep the connection with their pd going.

When y0u're ready you'll be done.
hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

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LilyMarlene

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #25 on: March 31, 2016, 10:46:56 PM »
NOPE, the stuff is not important.  I've already written it off.  The journal he stole?  He can have it.  Half of my towels?  Hey, Kohls is having a sale!  Bright new towels for $7 apiece?  YES please!   ;) :D

And Rocket...yep....he's on to the next big misadventure.  Most certainly, via online dating.  Makes me scared for the new victim.  I bet that's how his ex felt when he moved on to me 2 weeks (oh, no...sorry, two months is what he said) later.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2016, 10:49:14 PM by LilyMarlene »

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Rocket Girl

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #26 on: April 01, 2016, 06:43:14 PM »
Pathetic. These people just don't stop spreading their toxicity.

My ex n/bpd went online.  What a perfect place for him to lie his ass off.  It must be Christmas every day for him.  It makes me mad there are such irresponsible people out there that tear up other people's lives and don't even look back unless it's to try to screw them up again.  Its such a mind f**k to take pleasure in affecting people.  :sadno:

I do notice the only women he seems to be attracting are from out of state. I'm thinking they have their own issues, or if the don't, they will shortly.

I have been ignoring his house and doing my own thing.  It's been about a week now and I am much more relaxed.  My t did mention this week I had to start thinking about the possibility of him coming back to hoover, that it was more than likely it would happen and I should be prepared.  Ugh.  This guy has no boundaries.  Maybe I can greet him next time with a taser.  Only half kidding.  lol..   :tongue2:
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Scout

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #27 on: April 01, 2016, 06:53:05 PM »
Pathetic. These people just don't stop spreading their toxicity.

My ex n/bpd went online.  What a perfect place for him to lie his ass off.  It must be Christmas every day for him.  It makes me mad there are such irresponsible people out there that tear up other people's lives and don't even look back unless it's to try to screw them up again.  Its such a mind f**k to take pleasure in affecting people.  :sadno:

I do notice the only women he seems to be attracting are from out of state. I'm thinking they have their own issues, or if the don't, they will shortly.

I have been ignoring his house and doing my own thing.  It's been about a week now and I am much more relaxed.  My t did mention this week I had to start thinking about the possibility of him coming back to hoover, that it was more than likely it would happen and I should be prepared.  Ugh.  This guy has no boundaries.  Maybe I can greet him next time with a taser.  Only half kidding.  lol..   :tongue2:

Your therapist is right--be prepared for him to hoover.  It's more likely than not.  :roll:

(You don't even have to answer the door.)

NOPE, the stuff is not important.  I've already written it off.  The journal he stole?  He can have it.  Half of my towels?  Hey, Kohls is having a sale!  Bright new towels for $7 apiece?  YES please!   ;) :D


That's the spirit. :)

Once he's determined that him having your stuff doesn't give him power over you, be prepared for him to bring it over in a box--to 1) try to look like a good guy ("oh gee, I was just REALLY busy, but I know how much your journal means to you") and 2) to have an excuse to see you.  Don't be thrown by this, and don't even feel as though you must answer the door, because a wave of bull pucky will wash over you the second you do.

 . . . If he doesn't bring it over, it's only because many single guys have an absolutely abysmal towel situation going on at home.  ;D

A guy I dated in college returned some stuff to me in a box two months after I left him, and included the greeting cards and tiny gifts I'd given him. 

I couldn't help but notice that Mr. Clean Slate hadn't included the really good books, the expensive lighter, or the other nicer presents.  Funny! 

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Rocket Girl

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #28 on: April 01, 2016, 08:52:28 PM »
Yes, Scout.  I agree.  I am a nice close target.  Right in the neighborhood. 

He was hoovering as recently as a month ago.  We have been NC over a year.  what a freak show.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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LilyMarlene

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2016, 09:09:58 PM »
Update: Day 16 post-separation. 

As many mentioned, there was more hoovering in store from him.  I've been NC with him for 6 days now (the last time I texted OR responded, it was to tell him my friend would be by to drop off his stuff.)

I mentioned that he texted me that night, and I didn't reply. 

Saturday night, a text asking if I missed him.  I didn't reply.

Sunday morning, woke up to another two texts "No?"  and a sad faced emoticon.  These were sent at nearly 3:00AM.

I see that at 2:45 AM, I missed a call from him.  2:45 am?  Really?

Visited w/my mother today. She is still his FB friend.  Yes, she knows the extent of his delusion.  Yes, she thinks he's an absolute creep, and she thanks her lucky stars every day that I got out of it.  She has stayed FB friends with him more or less just to see what stunt he does next.  Well, I found out today. 

Apparently, there were several funny "memes" posted about crazy women, bi-polar women, and a link to the definition of "projection" on his page.  Hearing of this, I genuinely chuckled.   Can't say I didn't see more of the same coming. 

Additionally, he has advertised his availability by posting a tongue-in-cheek status update about how he is accepting applications for his own dating reality show, and would like the names of ten attractive single females, or their friends.  ANother update thanked his readers for the "many private messages he's received."  Additionally, he has posted several new profile pics, and a few memes attesting to his general awesomeness and physical desirability.  (One in particular was how he was so hot, when he stepped into the shower, the shower got turned on.)  (Is there an "I just vomited in my mouth" emote?)

I also learned that there seems to be a flirtatious interaction with a name I recognize as a woman who he had passed off as just someone he dated for a week, max, in between his last significant relationship and ours.   He explained that she was a nice "girl" (I dislike it when men call grown women "girls") but that the attraction was one-sided.  Apparently, it isn't now. 

I feel no jealousy whatsoever, but I'm disgusted that he is so actively looking for a new supply....And the fact that he did this just 10-days post break-up...ugh.

All of this proves to me that there ARE early warning signs of the narcissist.  If I were his FB friend and viewed his page as a romantic-interest, I would most likely see the following:

-a VERY recent breakup
-the subsequent devaluation of his ex
-hints about her being mentally unstable (or anything else negative: whore, substance-abuser, stalker...I suppose there could be many)
-memes or quotes intended to "boost" their appeal or value
-frequent profile pic changes
--a LOT of interest in dating or moving on, despite how short the time span

Another I will add, even though this one was something I witnessed early in our relationship:

-hijacking other people's posts--making other people's posts about them
-rushing the timeline, insisting on going "FB official" quickly
-insisting on PDA's publicly, via FB or other social media.

Hmmm....this could be a topic in itself.  I'm curious about what others could add.  I might just have to make a seperate post of this.

So...next Q.  I really do want to block his number.  If I do that, will I lose my record of his texts?  I feel I might need them later.  I do NOT Think this man is done with his nonsense.   And I do feel like it could escalate.






 

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lovetherain

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #30 on: April 04, 2016, 04:49:57 AM »
You are so lucky to be out of the relationship! And good on you for feeling the way you do, yay!

Narcs are complete basket cases. Everything that comes out of their mouth is a LIE!

When I first meet my ex he told me his ex gf had cheated on him while he'd been overseas. Then told me they broke up 1.5 years ago. AND that he hadn't had sex in 1.5 years! And I'm sorry if this is TMI but it's so funny... when we were about to have sex our first time he went 'omg... it's been so long!' - like a kid! I thought it was cute, because seriously WHO would lie about such a thing!?
He also told me when we pretty much just met that the worst thing he knew were liars... in my head I went 'great!' Who knew the biggest liar I've ever met would actually say that...
When I was at his house I found postcards from a girl, all saying how she wants to marry him, have babies with him and how much she loved him, dated back 6 months prior. When I asked him about it he said 'oh that's just a friend that I was close with, but she ended up being crazy so I had to take out an AVO against her'.
Why would anyone keep postcards from a crazy stalker!? Anyways I let it slide.

And THEN I found concert tickets with her name on it in his house dated a month prior to us meeting, when I asked him to explain he said 'yeah so what? It was her birthday and she was trying to rekindle things with me so I went but we didn't do ANYTHING!' Then he finally told me it WAS his ex, but she wasn't the one that was the cheater but the one before. And I asked why he would even go with her to a concert on her birthday. He said it was because he was doing some work on his dad's house and he didn't want him to think anything was wrong between them because he worried he wouldn't pay him.
He also told me this particular ex now lived overseas. I found out while snooping thru his phone (I know I know) that she was not living overseas and that she wanted him back and he did meet up with her once. Once I asked him wtf? He said NO I didn't do it you're wrong! Even though I had proof... sigh...
OH, he had a dog when we met but then gave it to his 'uncle'... I later found out the uncle was the ex...

HE WAS A GOD DAMN MESS. He couldn't even keep up with his own lies, and this is pretty much how it was during the whole relationship. My head was always spinning because of all the lies, and when I caught him out he would give me the silent treatment! There's NO good outcome with a narcissist, they're ALL THE SAME!

Good luck to you

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Rocket Girl

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Re: 8 days of seperation.
« Reply #31 on: April 04, 2016, 07:02:29 PM »
No, you won't lose previous history.  If you delete him you will, but if you just block him, then no.  I guess you could always back up your stuff somewhere, just don't write over it if you decide to delete him.

As much as you say you are no contact, I would like to see you stop talking about him altogether.  Maybe ask your Mom to stop talking about him.  Just my 2 cents.

This guy is a cancer.  And yes, they get involved again very quickly because they DONT CARE!  We don't understand because we go into it loving for the long term.  They just don't play by the same rules. 

And yes, the shower comment did make me want to throw up.  Ack.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.