NC or LC and the holidays

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Elsbeth

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NC or LC and the holidays
« on: March 27, 2016, 12:35:13 PM »
I absolutely hate holidays. I hate the celebrations - everyone gathering with "family". And I hate even more the obligatory phone calls to wish a Happy ____insert-a-hallmark-made-holiday___OR____insert-a-given-religious-holiday.

I am not religious and have completely given up celebrating those holidays - unless it is one that would directly affect my kids - like say Christmas or Halloween.

Having to do the damn phone call puts me in a foul mood - dredging up all the emotional of guilt and that obligation to parents I no longer wish to be involved with on any level. I made my peace with their future "deaths". I am not interested in their conversations that consist of talking about the other siblings and their offspring. I am certainly not interested in conversation of how "i may regret my actions"

um, no. I regret the still having interactions.

frankly, i wish the world would understand that my interactions i desire - is me exiting my cave every now and again to interact to get basic needs - not to partake in this pretend "family" environment.

*exhale*


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moglow

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Re: NC or LC and the holidays
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2016, 01:45:30 PM »
Heard. My family stopped holiday gatherings many years ago, whether from lack of interest or overdone with resultant dramas I don't know. I know I lost all interest and don't miss that at all.

But at the same time as the relief ... Holidays are hard for me. I feel so incredibly lonely, watching those families gather, seeing them interact and kid each other. I miss that. I usually hermit through and just get to the day after - only to field the repeated cheery and well meant "How was your Christmas/Easter/insert holiday here?" People have no idea. None.

I sent my mother a Happy Easter text, got back complaints about the rain and her arthritis. Again. Always complaints about things I can't possibly fix, but she wouldn't like it if I could. She just loves spreading that negativity. Apparently today, so do I. 😕

Having a fractured family is painful. And lonely. I think I'll just shut myself in with books and a cuppa. Again.

*exhale*
« Last Edit: March 27, 2016, 02:08:28 PM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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alonenow

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Re: NC or LC and the holidays
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2016, 02:20:13 PM »
Sometimes looking at an item through others eyes makes the whole thing better.    My example is being quiet at work or even in Public listening to conversations (might be considered evesdropping)
It starts small with how much work and effort a person must put into it then it snowballs into wishing this person or that person cant make it.
The complaints of what so and so will bring even though no one touches it..  The backstabbing starts before the holiday and sometimes you get a follow-up after the event. I worked in retail for many years and some holidays were an extra day off yet I saw my co-workers come back emotionally drained   and exhausted from these family "events".   
This year I have listened over cubicle walls in an office job one co- worker whom I thought was PD but now think it may be fleas. She complained constantly how no one brought anything or brought enough for 4 even though the gathering had 12+.
She spoke of selling her main dining table and telling them she could no longer host and they all bought her folding tables  for Christmas so she could continue hosting as NO one else wanted to do it. She went on telling her cube neighbor that she gave everyone an assignment of what to bring  rolls. pie. salad etc only one person brought anything. I wanted to stand up and tell her Let Go there is no rule that she must continue and obviously her family cannot take a hint about the tables.
           I guess this constant view of other dysfunction reminds me I reall do NOT miss it.

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Elsbeth

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Re: NC or LC and the holidays
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2016, 05:02:15 PM »

But at the same time as the relief ... Holidays are hard for me. I feel so incredibly lonely, watching those families gather, seeing them interact and kid each other. I miss that. I usually hermit through and just get to the day after - only to field the repeated cheery and well meant "How was your Christmas/Easter/insert holiday here?" People have no idea. None.


 :yeahthat:

yes, i think that my anger stems from the lonely part of it. My kids desire that interaction of family gatherings as their friends ave those on the holidays.

now i have my own sort of guilt as it pertains to my kids but the pain of ME being at a FAMILY function is just too much to bear that I have to live with that guilt of my own kids.

your words are heard.

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Elsbeth

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Re: NC or LC and the holidays
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2016, 05:06:59 PM »
alone now

i hear your words and experiences too ... people complaining or worse, they don't ask you to bring anything and then they complain you didn't bring anything.

i can recall one fun holiday - at a friends house with her family and friends - mainly friends, and her sister was the family part. it was pleasant and less stressful and it was for my friend as she had chosen the people there and then went one further - she had her sister invite friends so that basically the family dynamic between her and her sister was diffused as you were really amongst more friends than family.

i just feel so damaged that inviting "friends" even feels like a great chore for me - anxiety ridden that people won't show or will not like the day ... so i choose to do nothing.

one day when my kids are older, i will explain myself. Well - more like share who i am in that regard than "explain".


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alonenow

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Re: NC or LC and the holidays
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2016, 11:09:19 PM »
I too put so much pressure on myself for not having the perfect get together when I had my own gatherings with FOC but that pressure is what ruined the event.
 It is not the complaining but the realization that very few have the picture perfect holiday that we seem to think up in our heads.  I can understand your wanting your kids to miss out but what are they missing.... my kids told me they felt tension for all the years we went to family gatherings and really did not miss out after we stopped going. I look back at my childhood and I do not have any recollection of those gatherings being much better. Kids whether they can verbalize it or not feel and do not enjoy the tension and dysfunction.