Disonance

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Rosemarie

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Disonance
« on: March 27, 2016, 04:48:40 PM »
Sometimes the dissonance and the resolution of it is so painful. I am cleaning out papers and trying to get some organization in my life. So I find a long list that my ex wrote of Reasons he loved/s me. It was a quite a list and it brought up so many feelings. How could you love somebody and have that many reasons you love them, then discard them. How is this possible. Sometimes I just can't wrap my brain around it. My heart hurts and it makes me want to try again, although, I know that would be crazy chaotic. Weird I also saw him yesterday and set a strong boundary and did not engage with him...but how painful to set a boundary with someone who I love. I still have love for him, or at least for who I thought he was. Anyone else find the dissonance hard? How do you reconcile these things?
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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InTheDarkness

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Re: Disonance
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2016, 05:12:07 PM »
Rosemarie,

I'm not at that place, yet, but even now, as I'm mentally trying to prepare to consult an attorney, I have moments, everyday, when I'm overwhelmed with conflicting emotions about my uBPDw, which bring me to tears.   My leaving will produce strong emotional pain for both of us, but if I stay, it will be like life in prison without parole.  There's no way to avoid pain.  It's part of the fabric of life   My therapist, psychiatrist and primary all have said to me that I must focus my energy on saving myself.    My wife doesn't think she has problems and doesn't understand the hurt she's inflicted on me.  But, with all that said,  yes, it's hard.

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Sunny

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Re: Disonance
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2016, 02:16:00 AM »
Hi Rosemarie, don't know if this helps, but I experienced the dissonance very strongly when stbexh would say/do something extremely hurtful, then walk away and begin surfing the internet! And an hour later ask what we should have for dinner!  NO apology, never said he was wrong, always justified.

Did you ever have that kind of dissonance? I use those thoughts constantly to remind myself of why I have to get out. Sending you hugs, Sunny

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Rosemarie

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Re: Disonance
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2016, 10:12:54 AM »
Hello Sunny,

Yes this is familiar on many levels. Even now, he expects us to be best friends, when there has never been acknowledgement of the difficulties he has caused, of the pain. I always thought to myself, he just feels entitled somehow, entitled to cause harm and then act like nothing happened. He seems to have no feelings. really. The gap for me is getting smaller and the last time I encountered him, I was able to set a strong boundary, but being a person with feelings it was hard. I would like to have closure and have some acknowledgement of the pain, which i suspect I will never get from him.

And yes these things do reinforce my decision ultimately. But in between, I feel the dissonance and it takes a lot of energy to reconcile between his chaotic insensitive world and mine. Setting a very strong boundary with him, letting him know I was not even interested in small talk was hard for me. I did it and when I was along later, I grieved as a part of me misses the "good things" and would like to connect. But I know how unhealthy and unsatisfying that would be ultimately. It is a matter of separating emotionally for me and I am doing this more and more. It is quite a process.

Hugs to you too!!
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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LilyMarlene

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Re: Disonance
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2016, 02:29:49 PM »
Rosemarie, your post hit home.  For Valentine's Day, I received a similar list in the form of a "Reasons Why I Love You" book that could be custom-made and ordered online.  After our breakup, he asked me if I still had this book.  I do (somewhere) but refuse to open it. 

Like your ex, mine also expects friendship (how could I be so cold??)  but refuses to acknowledge his destructive, dependent behavior.

Cognitively, I'm aware that my life is better without the tug-of-war, and drama.  But as a human being with compassion and feelings, it is painful to know that setting my "no contact" boundary hurts him.  I wrestle with guilt about being "cold," and he capitalizes on this by telling me that I've cruelly discarded him.  And, because feeling discarded is the worst feeling in the world and I don't wish it upon my biggest enemy, setting this boundary is SO difficult.

You know what's ironic?  He has tried nearly every manipulation tactic to get me back.  But the ONE thing that COULD actually succeed (or at least, make it very difficult for me to resist reconciliation) would be to OWN his behaviors, or acknowledge that [insert whatever latest immature, passive-aggressive act was, here] was, in fact, manipulative.   But he hasn't done this.  And this tells me that it's not a matter of pride...of being right or wrong.  He simply does NOT have the capacity to self-reflect or self-correct.  Which, I think is precisely what makes him a true sociopath. 

And you cannot--simply cannot--waste your feelings on a sociopath.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Disonance
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2016, 08:39:29 PM »
Hi Rosemarie.  My ex n/bpd and I attempted friendship, but the only one happy was him.  He would come over, hang out, hug and kiss me, then go out with a woman and flaunt it in my face. 

I finally had to ask myself if this was the kind of person I would EVER want as a friend, and the answer was absolutely not.  This person did not have me in his best interest.  I was a mouse toy to him.

Since then I have set firm boundaries, which he doesn't always follow, but I have not allowed him back into my house and have not spoken to him.  I don't correspond with him via texts or anything else.  He is currently leaving me alone as he has a new gf, pity her soul, but I have no doubt he will be back once they break up.

I can only enjoy the peace and hope he stays away.

Don't expect he will accept responsibility for his actions.  In his mind he is doing nothing wrong. It's you, Dear.  You are the one making things difficult.  Sigh...   :stars:
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.