What kind of M/F would you want?

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practical

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What kind of M/F would you want?
« on: March 27, 2016, 05:12:46 PM »
If you had to describe in a few sentences what kind of mother and/or father you would want, what would she/he look like?

This is what I would have wanted if I had had a choice:

Parents who delight in me!

Parents who are truly present with me, see me as me and nothing more and nothing less and I'm more than good enough without having to be perfect.

Parents who simply love me - no if's, no disclaimers, no pressing me into a role.

But the first is the most important to me, I think the rest would flow from there.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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hhaw

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2016, 05:52:14 PM »
Parents who understood, practiced, and taught me how to erect healthy boundaries, and enforce them.

::nodding::

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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fozzybear

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2016, 07:54:41 PM »
Wow, where to start on this one??

I would have liked a normal non-NPD, non-abusive father, someone who actually thought of his kids' needs first and his own last.
I would have liked a mother who listened to me, who understood that things were wrong and would take the time to ask the right questions, one who put her kids before her husband.
I am trying to be that mother to my daughter, to listen hard, even when nothing is being said, to hug lots, and to be the shoulder to cry on, even when I can't fix anything for her anymore.
Almost free.

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wisingup

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2016, 08:20:09 PM »
Parents I could respect and admire.

Parents who made me happy to be who I was.

Parents who made me feel safe.

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Claudia

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2016, 08:48:39 PM »
Parents who supported me emotionally.

Parents who taught me life lessons.

Parents who were invested in a relationship with my FOC.

Parents who made me feel loved and who were proud of the person I am.

Parents who didn't play favorites and encouraged their children to love one another as much as they loved us.

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threetimesalatte

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2016, 12:06:34 AM »
My T has asked me this question. With my father, I wish he would take more interest in a relationship with me instead of making me feel like I have to chase him for attention. I also wish for once he would tell me he was proud of me and who I have become instead of just treating me as an extension of my mother and sister.

Ugh, with my mother, there are so many things I would change. I would keep the high intelligence, but I would love to have a mother who knew how to have boundaries. I wish I had a mother who would shut up and listen to what I had to say for once. I wish I had a mother who had taken an interest in me when I fell apart as a teenager and got me the help I needed instead of isolating me in a house in the middle of nowhere and berating me for having friends that wanted to see me outside of school. I'm also going to piggyback on Claudia's closing statement and say I wish that my mother and father along with my stepmother encouraged healthy, supportive relationships between us kids instead of stirring up trouble and turning our lives into competitions against each other.

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Pepin

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2016, 12:13:57 AM »
For a father I would like one that is grown up.   :applause: 

Since I did not have a mother, that is difficult to know.  But I would hope for one that would be caring, nurturing, and a good role model.
NPD F (overt) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC headed to NC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Rhode

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2016, 02:12:52 AM »
I know it sounds strange, but I'm okay with my nBPDm if she changed a few things.  I just want her to realize that it's okay for me to be a different person than she expects me to be.  I want her to have more consistent temperament and behavior.
Still coming Out of the FOG...

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all4peace

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2016, 02:21:11 AM »
For mother, as a child, I would have wished for her to be able to control her rage, to have empathy, to be able to comfort, to be a trustworthy listener, to model a respectful and loving marriage, to treat us children equally.

As an adult, I want her to have empathy and treat me like the capable, intelligent and mature adult I am. I am sick to death of being invalidated by her too often finding some way I should have tried harder with H's impossible family. When I look at the pain I dealt with for 20 years with my ILs and tried to figure out why it took me SO LONG to finally break down, I know I can thank my mother. If something was wrong, it was always me. I would wish for her an ability to be there for my siblings in ways that matter to them.

As a child and adult, for my father, i would have wished for someone strong enough to stand up to my mother. I was 16 when I finally stood tall in my mother's face and told her to never, ever touch me again (violently). It seems like it shouldn't be too much to ask that my father would have been strong enough to do the same. Of course, he had his own horror of a childhood in which his own father was terrorized by his mother. Somehow my father's love always came through to me, even though he dealt out quite a lot of the physical beatings. With my mother, it felt like it was from out-of-control rage. With my father, it felt like misguided discipline. Except when he slammed us into walls, and then it felt like out-of-control rage. My mother's was so much more frequent that in contrast I still think of my dad as the "good guy."

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desertpine

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2016, 10:45:55 AM »
My 'ideal' father would have flexibility and patience. He'd understand that people have emotional needs, not just physical ones. He'd have friends and be happy. He would take life less seriously.
My 'ideal' mother would have flexibility and compassion. She'd also understand that people have emotional needs and she'd be competent in meeting her own and helping her kids learn those skills. She'd be assertive rather than passive-aggressive and avoidant. She'd be accepting rather than self-righteous. She'd take personal responsibility for her mistakes rather than blaming others or whining about doing the best she could. She would have a sense of humor rather than going through life being so critical and anxious.

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Dolphin

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #10 on: March 28, 2016, 11:22:07 AM »
good enough parents who practiced unconditional love

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JG65

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #11 on: March 28, 2016, 12:23:58 PM »
I just had a bit of a revelation as I thought about this question. 

If I had a different father than my own-- he was diagnosed with NPD--I would be able to better see and ultimately come to terms with my mother's shortcomings. 

If my father had an even temper, and had been a nurturing and encouraging parent with a strong moral compass and strong self-awareness, my mother's weaknesses would have been a lot more obvious. 

Because of the dynamics in my family, I have long viewed my father as the villain and my mother as a victim.   When I compare my mother against my father, it is hard to see her flaws.

The truth is that together, they neglected me and left me unprotected in my adolescent and teen years.  I wish one of them had been able to look outside of themselves long enough to encourage me, nurture me, and provide some guidance, wisdom, and real support.   
Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences - Robert Louis Stevenson

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freedfromchaos

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Re: What kind of M/F would you want?
« Reply #12 on: March 28, 2016, 10:13:07 PM »
From day one I think they both saw me as a tool to met all their needs and to fill all their wishes.
What a relief it would be to not feel the crushing weigh of their extreme expectations. To not feel I have to be on guard to protect myself from them.  To just BE and be good enough just as I am.