Frightened for my toddler's safety with Exh

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Onwards

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Frightened for my toddler's safety with Exh
« on: March 27, 2016, 07:35:18 PM »
I am taking my exuN/BPDh back to court over child access and holidays and he seems to be losing the plot.

I have just found out he had a huge argument with his uN/BPD mother today in which he threatened to kill himself. I am really worried that he's now so scared that he's going to lose access to our son that he might do something harmful to himself &/or our beautiful boy. He is a very doting father but also very vengeful and bitter towards me. He has never threatened suicide or harm to our son in the past but he told me he was going to hang himself years ago after a very difficult time with an exgf and that he had selected which tree, had the rope all ready etc. He lies so much that I have no idea whether this is even true. It's something he might say for effect but it's too serious to not take notice of.

What do I do? He doesn't know I know this (about today) and I don't want to say or do anything to make his fragile mental health worse. I've been away with our son over Easter so the separation anxiety is likely amplifying everything for my exh but I can't live my life never going anywhere because he can't handle being apart from our son.

I know that threatening suicide is a BPD trait and he is prone to making very dramatic statements and behaving erratically. When we were together he could be so gentle and calm and the next second, raging and swearing at me and then back to calm again and would always expect me to just get over whatever poisonous aggression he'd just hurled at me. He'd say he didn't mean any of it and was sorry and it was just something he said in moments of extreme anger.

So I figure today might be an example of that but what if it's not? I feel like if I allow him plenty of access to our son, he's going to damage him with his N/BPD and if I limit it, he might go nuts and do something harmful. Feeling scared. :(
Any thoughts/advice gratefully received.
Thank you
Onwards


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Liftedfog

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Re: Frightened for my toddler's safety with Exh
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2016, 10:38:13 PM »
You are doing the right thing going through the courts.  There is no negotiating rationally with a PD.  Can you request supervised access?  Don't let the threats and drama they create derail you.  You are to protect your son and you are a very caring and protective mother.  Continue to stay focussed. 

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Sunny

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Re: Frightened for my toddler's safety with Exh
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2016, 02:00:20 AM »
Hello Onwards!! You must be very distressed by all this, I would be; just wanted to add a few cents...or pence :) depending on your location..

Please document the evidence you have of today's statements. Do you have a journal? You could write, "Spoke to exMIL at X time and she said "..." Very concerned about exh's stability and will call attorney tomorrow to file a request for a court date"...something along those lines. Put date and time on the page. If you have a good r/s with your MIL, it might even come to pass that she would back up those statements. What else...this may sound extreme but I personally have called a few MDs when I thought family members were doing things that made me very concerned for their health or even safety of their child; if exH has a doc who takes care of his mental health issues, that might be someone to contact confidentially, and ask them to please follow up with him and make sure he doesn't have any serious intent.

I have not had to use my journal entries per se, but I wrote down EVERY threat stbexh made leading up to our custody hearing (told me he thought I was dead, because I went to a hotel one night, and was convinced I had committed suicide!!! Totally nuts but he was setting me up to make it sound like I was unstable).

Asking for supervised visitation sounds VERY reasonable. If he continues with his frightening statements/behaviors, you could consider a no-contact or restraining order so you feel safer, particularly if you get more time with you DS.

Just some thoughts, I hope you can increase your time with your son! It's a long haul, best of luck to you, Sunny


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Flowers4U

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Re: Frightened for my toddler's safety with Exh
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2016, 12:22:31 PM »
Onward, I would pay close attention to what he is saying. In my case, UNMNexh told me that he was thinking of killing me, our two kids, and then himself. It took a while to gather resources, but I was able to take my kids and get out. What I wasn't able to do is get the judge to agree to supervised visitation in our divorce,  despite an order for protection. To make a long story short, UNMNex kidnapped my youngest son and murdered him. Then he killed himself.

Please do whatever you can to keep the both of you safe. Your ex has a history of threatening suicide, so did UNMNex in my story. Suicide and homicide can be very closely related emotionally for the disordered. As Sunny suggested, document everything. Also get in touch with a local domestic violence organization. They have plenty of experience in dealing with dangerous people and can help you get your legal ducks in a row to protect both of you.

I am sending you hugs and keeping you in my prayers. Stay safe.

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Sunny

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Re: Frightened for my toddler's safety with Exh
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2016, 02:34:02 PM »
Oh Flowers4U I am so very, very sorry about what happened. Adds a whole new dimension to be considered with any kind of threat of the nature Onwards has described. You have my greatest sympathy Flowers.

I would also add that if you hear directly or about threats of suicide or homicide happening in the moment Onwards (in the US anyway, not sure of your emergency services), calling 911 should rally some law enforcement and mental health resource; just thought of this after watching a YouTube video by Raven's New Life (she has hard won wisdom for going through a divorce with an N-ex)...my hugs, prayers, and thoughts to all of you...Sunny

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Onwards

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Re: Frightened for my toddler's safety with Exh
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2016, 04:01:26 PM »
Flowers4U, thank you for your reply. I don't even know what to say. I cannot imagine the pain you have been through but it makes me cry to think of anyone having to experience what you have. I'm so sorry.

Sunny, Liftedfog, thanks both too. Today I heard that he said he felt ashamed about what he'd said and he agreed with his sister (who I have a vaguely ok relationship with) that he needed to find healthier outlets for his anger. So I want to believe the suicide threat was something he said in a moment of extreme emotion but didn't really mean. To clarify, he has never said he wants or intends to kill me though he has said a few times he hopes I die in a car crash. I've never taken these threats very seriously as they always just seemed lame attempts to emotionally hurt me.

I think I will go and see our family Dr to tell them about what's been going on though and will contact a DV organisation for any further advice. I'm going to speak to my T about it too.

I'm definitely taking this through the courts and will be sure to have my case as watertight as possible as it's too scary to live with the uncertainty of what he 'might' do.  :-[   I wish to god I'd never met this guy, except we wouldn't have our gorgeous kid.
I'll keep you updated, thanks for the support.
Onwards

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Kit99

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Re: Frightened for my toddler's safety with Exh
« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2016, 04:12:53 PM »
Onwards- I'm in a similar predicament with my s2bx having threatened suicide numerous times- even when our little children were in ear shot.

We have temporary supervised visits in place and I would like them to be longer term. Honestly, it sickens me to hear stories like what Flowers has shared. I'm sure she did everything humanly possible to protect her children but the courts didn't help her. It's heartbreaking. (Flowers- love and peace to you.)

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Onwards

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Re: Frightened for my toddler's safety with Exh
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2016, 07:06:36 PM »
Hi KIt

So sorry to hear you're also experiencing this level of stress and anxiety about your ex and his possible intentions. Its so frightening. :(

Glad to hear you've got supervised visits in place and keep me posted if you like on how things are going.
Onwards