Papers complete and ready to serve

  • 3 Replies


  • New Member
  • *
  • 7
Papers complete and ready to serve
« on: March 27, 2016, 07:40:35 PM »
Originally posted on the Shrink4Men forum and haven't gotten a lot of feedback - reposting here because you guys are awesome!


Hey all, glad to join the forum! The TalkAboutMarriage and OutOfTheFog forums both regularly mention this one, and it has been recommended to me on a couple occasions considering that I'm a 30 year old military officer that's about to divorce a PD wife.

Long story short: I've supported this woman for four years, helped her immigrate to the US (she was already here, I helped her stay), and have given it my absolute best to have a happy, successful life with her. Whenever she wanted something, i.e. a car, to buy a house, to start her own business, get a realtors license, etc. I always forked up the dough to make it happen. We stopped having intercourse after she got pregnant, and things have gone downhill from there. Our child is now 16 months old - you do the math. Too young to live like an 80 year old man. Tried counseling on a couple occasions, both of which she terminated after two sessions because she refuses to accept responsibility for her actions.

She now finds herself shoulder deep in a multi-level marketing program, akin to Amway and Mary Kay. She spent $2,000 on it just in March, and is in the process of bleeding us dry for the "business". Our friends, families and neighbors avoid us because they don't want to listen to her sales patch, as do employees at businesses we used to frequent. She spends 10-14 hours a day on her phone/computer trying to recruit team members and make sales, at the expense of our child whom she refuses to let me send to daycare. At our 15 month appointment it was mentioned that the child is slightly developmentally behind, and he suspects its because of my STBXW's "business" - she never went to the appointment because she had a "business meeting". If I say anything contrary to it, bring up finances, etc. she becomes belligerent and hurtful, to the point where I've stopped mentioning it.

The LONG story:

My apologies for links to other forums, but I don't wish to retype everything should you wish to know my situation intimately.

It's taken me well over a year, probably two to get to this point, but I've finally paid my retainer and have a lawyer. We finished drafting up the divorce paperwork yesterday and are ready to serve her - either myself giving her the papers or sending someone to the door. Being intimately aware of my situation, and the result of my child's last medical appointment, my lawyer gave me one hard and fast order: do NOT move out of the house unless I take my daughter with me. He wants a letter from the pediatrician stating his opinion of the child, which the pediatrician has stated he would provide.

I was told that if I leave without my daughter, it's as if I'm giving approval to everything going on at home, with the "business", etc. It would hurt my chances at full custody later as well.

My question is this: I do NOT want to alienate my daughter from her mother. She can be good at times, and the child needs both parents. However, I feel that I'm the more stable parent. I'd like to move out, take her with me, and put her in daycare. The only problem is that her mother could literally drive onto the base and remove her from said daycare and disappear.

How should I serve my wife? We plan to serve her with divorce papers, a parenting plan giving her time, and a "cease and desist" letter concerning waste of joint finances. I'd lock her out of the account completely if I could, but I'm not allowed to alter the "status quot" in my state while a divorce is pending.

Should I tell her that hey, I'm leaving and taking our daughter with me? After which someone comes to the door with the divorce papers? That would be full-blown nuclear war and probably wouldn't have a happy ending.

Or should I simply go "grocery shopping" with our daughter and not come back, calling her later that evening to explain, while having the papers served?

I'd rather not have to re-furnish an entire home, as we have extra beds, furniture, etc. here. I can't stay here any longer though - it's no longer healthy for me. I'm thinking to take my child, put her with a babysitter, and then show up the next day with movers to take what I need for a new home?

I'm brainstorming to think of the most simple, least-stressful and organized situation that I can. I can't imagine re-furnishing a home when we have two bedroom sets, two dining table sets, etc. here. My attorney stated that it may be for the best and to just sell the extras that I get post divorce - I don't know.

Please give me advice!



  • Guest
Re: Papers complete and ready to serve
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2016, 10:06:52 PM »
Worrying about material things like an extra couch seems counterproductive when so much is at stake. Do whatever your attorney advises. You don't want to get hit with charges like possible kidnapping (I don't know the situation that well, so this may be over the top), but you need to watch your p's and q's here when a child is involved and be perfectly legal. Don't worry about stuff that can be replaced.



  • Guest
Re: Papers complete and ready to serve
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2016, 02:10:45 AM »
Hi thoughtful, sounds like you are READY to make the changes in your and your daughter's life that are truly needed.

I would lean a little harder on your attorney to find out what is legal to do with your child.  If the pediatrician will produce a note, can you ask for a Temporary Order up front regarding custody? That happens a lot in my state out west. Often, judges will just apply this to the Final Orders if things are going along OK.

Consider asking for supervised visitation when DD is with stbexW. Perhaps even asking for that, plus the pediatrician's note, will give the court pause and help your case to take DD, put her in daycare, and have the W only see her on weekends or afternoons accompanied by a family member.

As for the "stuff", it gets divided in CA at the end, during the settlement, but 2 parties can agree on who takes what much earlier helped me when I got a rental that my h did not want me spending joint funds on new furniture, so I took quite a few things with me. Ask your lawyer about all this too; my attorney said the courts in CA don't really want to get involved in separating candlesticks and dressers, so the spouses are supposed to work it out...if some of the "stuff" was yours to begin with, perhaps you could take it and later argue it was not marital property.

Thinking of you as you embark upon this journey. You have already come a long way!! Sunny



  • Guest
Re: Papers complete and ready to serve
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2016, 04:27:44 AM »
Wondering how you are getting on thoughtfulechidna! Sunny