Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan

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nirrti

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Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« on: March 27, 2016, 11:05:07 PM »
Sometimes, I need someone to talk to about my feelings and what emotions I have bottled up. But it seems my family is never able to do this with me. They seem to have this "don't talk about it" rule saying that people can choose what they feel about bad things that happen. But no one has that much control on how they react to things. My grandmother is always like "think positive" when I just want to get my emotions out but she doesn't want to listen to them. And well, you've all read the recent post about my abusive mother and how well (not) my confrontation with her went.

I think this is why my family is so dysfunctional and full of alcoholics and drug addicts. Family members just refuse to listen to each other about the hard things and then hurt gets all bottled up inside. I refuse to continue this cycle because I know it can cost one their life like it did my mother's ex husband who took his own life. I'm so so frickin tired of being all alone with my pain. I feel sometimes like I'm an orphan or I might as well be.

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alonenow

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2016, 11:24:45 PM »
I  understand your situation my family had so much trouble with emotions and with truth or reality. 
 I used to get so angry when people would start with the "think positive" or believing that not talking about things made them magically go away there are a lot of emotionally stunted people out there.
 You may be on to something when it comes to addicts as well as I have had many alcoholics and addicts in my family most of them refused to deal with there feelings and such.   You are not an emotional orphan but instead on the path of sanity in a world where so many around you are dysfunctional.

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Family Scapegoat

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2016, 12:58:36 AM »
Hey nirrti,

It all goes together - the substance abuse and the intolerance for vulnerability.  So many PD people find it nearly impossible to expose their own vulnerability or talk about someone else's. They  detach from their own feelings and anyone else who expresses feelings.  They come from backgrounds where they were taught the same thing, vulnerability is bad and shameful - it becomes a family legacy until someone breaks the pattern, like you.  It is so important to remember that their intolerance of your emotions does not mean your emotions are wrong, bad or don't deserve to be heard.  In fact I think feeling understood is a huge part of the healing process for us.  Is there anywhere you can go to get support so you don't have to feel so isolated with your feelings?  Therapist, group, ACoA, good Friends that will just listen?  Support is crucial, especially if you are living in the same home as the perpetrators. 

Glad you found this site where support is the name of the day. 

With empathy and understanding.
Familyscapegoat

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all4peace

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2016, 01:14:15 AM »
Does anyone have data or studies that suggest this is one of the hallmarks of a narcissistic or PD family?

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Claudia

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2016, 04:36:46 AM »
Does anyone have data or studies that suggest this is one of the hallmarks of a narcissistic or PD family?

I don't have any data but there is a book I have read called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey Gibson and I found it really interesting because I am sure my parents are Narcs but this book doesn't talk about personality disorders as such it talks about people who are emotionally immature and can't talk about feelings etc with lots of case studies.  I think PD's and emotional immaturity go hand in hand.  I actually saw a fair bit of myself in the book as I find it very hard to talk about my feelings and I don't deal with conflict well at all and I often feel like I am still a child when it comes to dealing with adult issues.  I put this down to never being taught how to deal with these things as a child by my parents.  Anyway its an interesting book if you want some explanation into why your parents can't open up and talk about emotions.

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all4peace

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2016, 12:24:35 PM »
In H's family, their unwillingness/inability to genuinely communicate about ANYthing deeper than the weather has been so frustrating and bizarre to me. I understand that people have varying levels of willingness to talk about deep things, but in this family the tolerance is zero for more than half the family. The only ones willing to talk are the ones on the outskirts of the family, or those totally estranged.

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fiona

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2016, 02:34:50 PM »
 I always felt the same like an emotional orphan, until I found a few who I could be open with. I believe in talking about everything!  My N mom always says 'you dont need to bottle things up' ha ha, she doesn't have a clue!!   If she'd know how much I talk and tell it all to the few people I trust she'd be shocked! I don't talk to her because all she wants to talk about is 'HER'....so I learned not to tell her anything! It took years of hurt feelings when she just ignored me to learn never to open up to her. She thinks she is a therapist :roll: always has the answers and brags how she helps people. Well, she never helped me!!

Right now shes at her home with Golden brother and his  teenage messed up son all living there together...they all are like peas in a pod, identical! The other brother has to check in with mama daily. If she goes out she calls him, when she comes back she calls him...sick to me just sick!  So dependent on their mama. God only knows what they all talk about??  It's for sure it's not anything real or true or deep feelings. They gossip, judge, etc! My bros all use religion just like she does...but they are all fake!

  No honest feelings in my dysfunctional bunch. And beware if you do open up they'll all go back and tell each other what was said. Theres many people who will understand, find those precious ones.   So glad this apple fell far, far from the tree  :cheer:

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PDinStereo

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2016, 03:45:45 AM »
My family has the whole "people can choose how they feel" problem. Yeah, no. People can choose how they act, or behave, but it does nobody any favors to pretend you don't feel what you feel. Maybe somebody pisses me off, but it's a bad idea to talk to them about it for whatever reason. I'm not going to say "well, I guess I'm not pissed since I'm not going to tell them I'm pissed." Nonono. That will leave me feeling neurotic and messed up because I'm lying to myself. I'll say "yep, super pissed, but no point in talking to PD about it, because that person, when confronted, in my experience, acts like a sh*t-throwing monkey playing dodgeball." Feelings aren't facts, but feelings are feelings. You're entitled to how you feel, you exercise judgment about how you express those feelings or what people you express them too, in my opinion. That's been working for me. My family acts like I am speaking tongues when I express these ideas. It's almost funny.

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Summer Sun

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2016, 02:00:31 PM »
NIrti, I'm sorry for your feelings and experience.  I can so relate.  Of course, It would take having some empathy to care about our feelings. 

I too have heard the "I'm sorry you choose..."

I've been told "you shouldn't feel that way" (which nearly landed me on the moon I had such a violent reaction, so unlike me).

Now I won't share anything with FOO, it is not safe, my needs cannot be met there, rather through T and FOC.

PDinStereo, thank you for putting a smile on my face with the image of a "sh$t throwing monkey playing dodgeball".  I saw my BPD vividly.  I've learned that if they throw enough sh&t, they hope something will stick so you  respond which will then use against you.  Done responding.

"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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all4peace

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2016, 05:18:23 PM »
nirrti--I hope you have friends and others to share things with.

My dad flipped out on me this week after i simply asked him to not discuss the very tense situation between H and I and my ILs, with my ILs. Usually very calm and gentle, my dad was actually shouting at me. It started out as a simple polite request and degraded very quickly.

Also had a talk with FIL this week about our tense situation, in which I was asked to be friendlier to MIL. She has been the most hateful hostile presence in my life, and I'm emotionally literally unable to manage more than a polite exchange when we have to see each other in public. She makes my (now present) anxiety go through the roof. She has been silent and cold and angry for a very long time, but I'm supposed to keep it up on my end.

Yes, I feel like a total emotional orphan. Thank goodness for my siblings, H and dear friends, plus this forum!

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hope2016

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2016, 03:57:32 PM »
I completely agree. I experience the same need and the same non-need from my family. It feels like you are a criminal for having real feelings. And it is forbitten to express these. And I thought it was healthy.
Same goes with friends and others. Bless that some rare people actually are the same way X) :*

Sometimes, I need someone to talk to about my feelings and what emotions I have bottled up. But it seems my family is never able to do this with me. They seem to have this "don't talk about it" rule saying that people can choose what they feel about bad things that happen. But no one has that much control on how they react to things. My grandmother is always like "think positive" when I just want to get my emotions out but she doesn't want to listen to them. And well, you've all read the recent post about my abusive mother and how well (not) my confrontation with her went.

I think this is why my family is so dysfunctional and full of alcoholics and drug addicts. Family members just refuse to listen to each other about the hard things and then hurt gets all bottled up inside. I refuse to continue this cycle because I know it can cost one their life like it did my mother's ex husband who took his own life. I'm so so frickin tired of being all alone with my pain. I feel sometimes like I'm an orphan or I might as well be.

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hope2016

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2016, 04:03:47 PM »
My dad use to say: "I give up" or "you must evaluate this some where ells" - or even give me guild of having expressed myself to him by saying "You have shared a great deal of with me": with the meaning that this was something abnormal.

I am not like them. My own family. What a drink to swallow. 

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username4324

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2016, 03:23:30 AM »
I come from a family of addicts so I completely empathize and understand. My mother's family for the most part is respectful of my decision to go NC but they don't understand where I am coming from if I am emotional when they bring up trigger topics. They prefer to turn a blind eye. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I found that seeing a therapist to talk through these emotions has been invaluable!

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Trust-no-one

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #13 on: May 29, 2016, 02:02:08 AM »
People will talk to me about their concerns, but it's not reciprocal.  I have one person I can discuss personal matters with, plus DH, who is good for about 10 minutes of emo talk (he comes from a family like the OP's, and tries, but I don't push).  It feels lonely sometimes.

That felt good to say.  I feel something.  There, I said it.

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Sunshine days

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Re: Sometimes I feel like an emotional orphan
« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2016, 09:10:38 PM »
Stay strong nittri , alone now that's amazing what you put its touched me xx