I feel so lost and alone, terrible and scared

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rn1111

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I feel so lost and alone, terrible and scared
« on: March 28, 2016, 07:51:34 AM »
Hello everyone.  This is my first post on the forum and I've not been wanting to post. But I feel like I need to talk to some people that know what I've gone through.  This is long lol.

About me - I'm 24. I've suffered from a young age, unable to sleep, thinking people are coming to get me in the night. Feeling very very alone most of the time. As I have grown, it's just got worse. Being an independent teenager was very difficult in my house, and I got dogs abuse on the regular. Still couldn't sleep in that house for the whole time until I moved out. I was attacked by a dog, and  since I moved out i've been sexually assaulted, I got addicted to MDMA while at uni, cigarettes, and I used to drink a LOT! My boyfriend who I currently  live with has saved my life and I love him dearly. I'm on antidepressants which I have been on and off for years. This time I'm making a serious effort to take care of myself, get up in the morning.

I have a pet cat now and I love him and my boyfriend and he says that this is our family now and nobody can take it away. I've lived with him for 2 years in our own flat, and stayed with his parents for a year. I was over there yesterday and they are the family I wish was mine. They kind of are my soul family now. It hurt watching them yesterday, family meal for easter and everyone was happy. I didn't get anything from my family, not even a text. This is because on mothers day I took a stand. I think im now in NC LC. I feel such pain in my heart for the child that never had a chance, and how I have been robbed of a happy life up until this point.

At least I realised it young.

 I attended private councillng last year that I paid for. The councilling was very very very hard. I quit smoking weed and taking mdma last year because of councilling.  I needed to start up on my antidepressants during this time last year, after I stopped the weed. The weed was doing a fantastic job in repressing my memories. They all came back. I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. Because:

I realised my parents were narcissists when I was 20. I can't tell if my dads and enabler or just another narc. Anyway. They managed to convince me otherwise, or I just managed to convince myself I was just crazy. You know that familiar voice you've had pounded into your head since a young age. 'Ah, it has to be me, it's not them, I'm the bad one.' Of course, it's easy to convince yourself, when they've convinced themselves, your sister seems okay, your bf thinks you might be exaggerating.

My mother is a narc I believe, but not only this she is a psychologist and as such my whole life I thought she was the sane one, seeing as she's a psychologist. I moved out at 16, asked to move away to university at another town and she offered to pay rent. I think she's of the ignroring variety, and she also takes university very seriously (She works as a lecturer). So I was always going to university my whole life, primed up for it by the narc. (It's a good thing I like to learn however, I think learning has saved my life at times.)

My father....I feel bad for him, but I am thinking he is a narcissist too. He's an actor, and has been awful to me at times too.

At councilling last year, without anything to hide my thoughts this time, the realization happened all over again. Worse. I think it's the worst I've ever felt. I was crying for about a week straight realising I was a victim of CHILD ABUSE. It's horrifying. And nobody understands it. This was last april. I haven't taken MDMA in over a year and have been on my pills since then. However, I've been back on the weed. My use I am comfortable with now however, and I'm currently doing really well in my course at uni, to get a good job.

I went back to them again. At this point, my mother had decided without asking my sister or dad to sell the house and move down to where I live. I'm not joking they only live ten minutes away now. (Thought I'd escaped lol).Being close by, I popped over regularly. But this time. I could SEE. It breaks my heart now. And I could see how they treat me, the triangulation.

My sister is brilliant, shes 20 and stuck there. She's on my side and I think she'll be okay. Think she's the golden  child. I've always tried to protect her and love her. She tells me she gets depressed now. I tell her to GET THE HELL OUT. She's trying. But I can't stick around there for her.

The past year when I go over, I tried the LC. The degree I picked at uni was influenced by my mother. I'm at the Uni she works at. I would go over and get lifts home after classes. All was okay mostly, until I saw the family dynamic. The second she walks through that door, she changes into an absolute ****. So many family dinners, (I only agreed to meet them in public), did I leave early.

I established boundaries. They didn't work. They didn't, as I was hoping, make the situation 'normal'. I realised on mothers day, it wouldn't be normal.

On mothers day, I accepted the situation.

On mothers day, I went to see my BF's mother. She's like my own now, I think of her like that. I said to my bf and his bro we should go see her. She was over joyed that they came over. She said thank you too me because they wouldn't have done so otherwise. I've had it drilled into my head, mothers day, do what your mum says. So for me I felt good about that but then...

I had to go with my bf to my family. We were going to a very expensive restaurant that me and my sister were paying for ourselves. I should say I invite my bf out every time we have been the past year. If it's too much, we leave together.

This time we met at the house first. I walk in the door, the contrast to my bfs mum, my nmum  stands in the middle of the room and says 'It's mothers day! It's all about me me me!!!'

Already, I'm feeling the contrast. I can't hide or block it this time. I simply sit and try to get through it.

My family found a bag of clothes in the park. Brand new, but dumped in the park. I asked to borrow a jumper, any jumper really. My dad say's he'll get the new one from the bag. Normal right?

No.

My nmum was PISSED OFF about this. For some reason, I wasn't to get 'this jumper'. I should probably state my mum and dad drink heavily, the more drink the less control they have of themselves and their mental state. We'd drank a fair amount at this point.

She stomps out the room. I hear my dad whining my mums name. She calls him all the names under the sun, calls him stupid, has called him a junkie to me when he's sitting there. She makes him cook her dinner, if it's not perfect then she's pissed. Basically he's her bitch.

But I remeber when I was younger, I look like my mum, and he would take out everything on me. He obviously couldn't get through to her. 'I wish you were dead' is a classic quote. I grew up hating my dad and liking my mum.

Now I feel sorry for my dad and hate my mum. But I hate him too, for taking it. But then, I think back, he's just as bad. I don't know!!!

We go out for the meal after the jumper argument. She walks ahead with a raging old haggard face, stomping. Trying to make it awkward. All because I'm wearing a jumper she wanted? Completely irrational. Considering they found it lying dumped in a park!!!!

We get to the restaurant. I sit. I remember the mothers day a few years ago when I was going partying all the time. They said I was like a bomb waiting to explode. I left in floods of tears, setting the bar to the rest of the family - on mothers day she turns it all on herself, when it should be about her 'poor mother'.

I watch the way they try to pretend it's normal. At this point, I realise I can't keep quiet. I ask her why can't she be nicer to my dad? My dad, ever the victim, plays up to her nastiness. It's like what my bf says, it's just how they do. It's not how I 'do' though.

I can't remeber much else of what I said. I sit quietly, trying not to cry, but unable to fight it. I can't eat. I can't talk. I sure as hell can't pretend like I'm happy. Not any more. They tell me to cheer up, and all the rest. It hurts even more.

I stand up and say I'm leaving.

My mother says, wow can't believe you are acting like this all over a stupid jumper. Everyone just sits there.

I felt like I'd been stabbed in the gut.

I accepted it. And it fkin hurt. I cried and cried and cried all the way home. I don't cry that much.

My bf stayed.

I asked him what happened after I left. This cemented it for me. I needed to cut contact. But it is such a fked proposition to abandon your family when they are still alive.

He said that the second I left, they acted like nothing had happened. They said I regularly have 'episodes' like this and apologised on my behalf!!! They said to him that they are sorry he has to deal with this. They joined up best friends again. Got to keep the lie going. My sister was in the toilet.

He said it was really strange for him, he saw it fully for the first time I think. He said he wanted to say something but he couldn't. He said it was weird because they were completely acting like I was in the wrong, when he knew I was right, and they were acting like he was on 'their side'.  But of course, he wasn't.

I initiated low contact on my own. When I was at uni I would rarely go home, stay up there over the holidays. Growing up I was out of the house most of the time getting high or drinking. I made a great group of friends, most of us had unhappy homes and I am still friends with a lot of them.

So this is where LC has got me. I get hurt every time. But I'm hurting now too. Badly.

It was my dads birthday the week after. I think she was particularly vicious this time, because in her head she thought I would return to go out for my dads birthday.

I get a text the week after from my mum. Coming out for dads birthday. I don't reply. That was hard.

My dad texts me. 'Mums a bit miffed but you can come make up with her.' HER??????? It was ME that got fucked over!!!!!!

I text back, nobody cares how I felt?

Dad: You will make me very sad if you don't come out.

I explain I'm an adult and I can't emotionally deal with them. He says thats okay then and he feels sad.

THE GUILT. THE GUILT. THE GUILT.

I still feel the exact same. This was a few weeks ago.

I feel guilty, I feel sick, I feel a GAPING HOLE IN MY HEART. I'm not hiding from it this time though. Have I gone NC? Is it this easy?

I reckon they won't speak to me again unless I contact them. I feel so so guilty.

I don't know what to do. If this the right thing? It just feels extremely painful. Sad and alone, I know i'm not alone but I don't know who to talk to about this. Nobody understands the hell I've been through. I was abused by a narc friend when I was taking drugs. That was how I made the connection.

I just want a normal life. I want to keep no contact but I just so pained, guilty, greiving. I get angry at what theyve done and I feel better.

I want to wallow but I have to do my uni. My head is fucked. It feels real though.

Is this my reality?

I don't know if this is normal, to feel like this. I need support.

 Thanks for reading. :(





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lovingheart

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Re: I feel so lost and alone, terrible and scared
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2016, 12:31:18 PM »
Rn1111,

Your post made me really sad. I'm sorry for all of what you've been through... No one deserves to go through such pain but you've been strong and you've gotten of a huge bump in your life. You should feel proud.

You aren't bad, you aren't terrible, you are strong! You have such a supportive family around you and that's great! Treasure that as much as you can.

Truthfully, that is your reality. Those things did happen and there is no reason to deny it.

I know you feel guilty about going NC with them but I out of personal experience... NC is the best move you can make for yourself. The fear will slowly dissipate and eventually go away. Keep going to therapy, keep up with your medicine. You're doing great.

Please take care of yourself,

LovelyHeart
Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.

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JenniferSmith

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Re: I feel so lost and alone, terrible and scared
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2016, 07:50:10 PM »
Hi there and welcome to the forum,

I am just going to share a couple of thoughts that came to me from reading your post-

First, you sound like you have a lot of insight and clarity for your age. Second, you said  you like to learn, and I agree, that is something that you will be able to use your entire life to continue to help yourself. Third, you've already made a LOT of progress... again, given your age.

Coming to terms with an extremely dysfunctional family does not happen overnight. You are going to be working through this in different ways for the rest of your life. That doesn't mean you will always be depressed and sad and overwhelmed about it, but it means that as you mature, you will go through different stages in understanding what you've been through, how you feel about it, how you want to cope with it, and how you want to manage your relationships with your family.

take good care, JS


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rn1111

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Re: I feel so lost and alone, terrible and scared
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2016, 09:33:05 AM »
Thanks so much for your replies  ;D

I'm going to keep my head up and keep going. I'm not attending councilling anymore but I feel like I am not fighting my emotions anymore and I found that the whole idea of councilling was to get the emotions out and find my voice.

I still feel bad every day but it is slowly but surely lessening. I have quite bad paranoia now that everyone is a narc that I know but I reckon that's just hypervigilance.

I feel like I'm making progress, but at the same time I feel i'm still 'behind' from the rest of the population.

What really makes me sad is when I see my family and the way they treat each other. It makes me see where I was and where I could have ended up had I had a less independent type of personality like my sister. Luckily she has me to look out for her  ;) I'm just concered with the amount of stress I'm under i'm going to turn back to  drugs. But part of me feels like I should start living and feeling in the reality I live in now, blocking it out and ignoring it seems to not work.

Again thanks for the replies :) Cheered me up lol.


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biggerfish

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Re: I feel so lost and alone, terrible and scared
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2016, 11:08:08 AM »

First, you sound like you have a lot of insight and clarity for your age. Second, you said  you like to learn, and I agree, that is something that you will be able to use your entire life to continue to help yourself. Third, you've already made a LOT of progress... again, given your age.

Coming to terms with an extremely dysfunctional family does not happen overnight. You are going to be working through this in different ways for the rest of your life. That doesn't mean you will always be depressed and sad and overwhelmed about it, but it means that as you mature, you will go through different stages in understanding what you've been through, how you feel about it, how you want to cope with it, and how you want to manage your relationships with your family.

take good care, JS

 :yeahthat: I repeat all of the above!

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bopper

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Re: I feel so lost and alone, terrible and scared
« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2016, 07:16:30 PM »

"Yeah, Dad, I am sad too that you keep enabling her bad behavior.  I am sad that you won't have a relationship with me outside of the one with her. "


First you have realized the problem...that your mom is N and your dad an enabler...and that you are depressed about the situation.

Next you need to mourn the relationship that never was and never will be the way you want it.

Then you must accept you need to be NC...even for holidays.

You have found a Family of Choice...and even if you don't end up with BF forever, you know that there are normal families out there and that you are a lovable person, even if your Family of Origin is unable to love.

Keep working on staying off drugs as a means to deal with your family...and going to counseling.

Always remember:  Living well is the best revenge.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Smartone93

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Re: I feel so lost and alone, terrible and scared
« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2016, 07:45:58 PM »
RN, it's spooky how much you sound like me. I grew up with the narc mom, but I didn't have the enabler dad. I guess I was the enabler, because it was just me and her. I focused a lot on school, and I loved learning. I didn't realize anything was wrong until I was about 20. LC was initiated by her when I was diagnosed with cancer. I think she freaked out that she wouldn't have me around to control anymore, and she stopped basically all contact. Only took me to chemo ever two weeks because I couldn't drive.
Then, when I got better, she became completely overbearing. She tried to convince me that my BF (who lived with and took care of me the entire time i was sick) was brainwashing me and using me. In one argument, she told me the only way to "fix" our relationship was to cut all contact with my friends and BF and give her all of my money until I was 24 and could "think more clearly". Because she always knows best and had to save me from myself. I'm lucky that I was always independent, or else I don't know how I ever would have made the decision to go NC. It seemed easy for her though.
She hasn't made any sort of effort to contact me (even on my birthday AND hers) but she has falsely accused me of some things through CPS. I'm trying to deal with that, but she's a master manipulator and can even convince a courtroom to believe her lies. As a kid and teen, I always struggled to cope with this issue that my heart felt but my brain couldn't comprehend. My heart knew that I wasn't being loved, but my brain kept trying to convince me that it was all normal. I self-harmed, I used sex, alcohol, and drugs. I've never been to therapy because I've never been able to afford it, but since finding the name that goes with my mom's disorder, I've tried a lot of self-help. I currently smoke weed, and it helps with my anxiety and depression.
My BF is who really opened my eyes. He showed me what real unconditional love feels like. His mom and his family, (my FOC now) are amazing, wonderful, loving, supportive people. I would not have been able to get through this without them. I think you should turn to your support group too. Turn to the family that chose you. Let them love you. Let them be concerned for you. And don't feel guilty for it. Don't feel guilty for needing to be acknowledged and loved and supported unconditionally. You deserve it.
Also, understand that it IS this easy to go NC. But it is also this difficult. It's grief that you're feeling. You're starting the process of mourning your parents. And you have to mourn them. You have to grieve and feel pain and then accept that they are gone from your life so that you can move on and finally live YOUR life, not their life with you in it.

I'm new also, btw, and I know how scary it can be to reach out. Keep in touch.