Getting engaged soon... Still NC with FOO

  • 6 Replies
  • 785 Views
*

lovingheart

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 266
Getting engaged soon... Still NC with FOO
« on: March 28, 2016, 12:16:54 PM »
Hello everyone...

So... I have exciting news. My boyfriend and I are going to go look are engagement rings later today. He's going to propose soon and I am super excited for that day to come and for us to get married!

The only thing that gets to me is... I don't talk to my FOO. I do talk to some of my family members but what he and I are planning a very small wedding with very few family members. My dilemma is that I know other people are going to tell them that I am married now and what not.

I just don't know how to handle this situation at all... I know I shouldn't worry about it because it is something great and such a happy day for me and my FH but the whole... What will people think? What are they going to be saying about my FOO and they weren't there?

I already feel that by moving out and not talking to them, that I broke their hearts, and now on such a special day, they aren't going to be there. That goes back to guilt. If I feel this bad about the situation... I should tell them right... But by the time he and I do get married I'll still be NC with them. I don't care to break NC when from the start, they weren't even supportive about our relationship one bit...

I don't know what to do... :stars:
Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.

*

Miss Kay

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 462
Re: Getting engaged soon... Still NC with FOO
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2016, 04:40:16 PM »
Congratulations and I'm sorry you FOO is making this hard on you.  I don't know your story but being NC myself, I know you didn't take it lightly and probably did it to protect yourself.  If so, breaking it now could just bring you more hurt and pain on top of complicating your wedding plans if you opened yourself up to them again.  These people do not change even though we love to wish and fanaticize about a normal loving and supportive family.  The last thing you need in a new marriage is conflict from the in-laws or parents.  I would personally call the family members you want to invite and let them know about the wedding but let them know you prefer not to discuss it with others as you are trying to keep the drama and family problems at a minimum.  If they know your family, they will know what you mean. 

Now, for your own feelings.  Ask yourself what is it you really have to feel guilty about.  You say you broke their heart.  Is that because you would have a broken heart and probably do?  If these folks have a personality disorder, your going NC did not break their heart, it made them mad that you had the audacity to think for yourself and are no longer under their control.  The more mad they are, the more punishment they will deal out to you.   Is that really what you want during your wedding planning or worse, the wedding?  Is the source of your feelings that you should invite them coming from old patterns which you were taught growing up?  You should only contact them if you want them there for you, not out of guilt or obligation.  But, if you want them there, remember you will have to accept them for who they are warts and all.  Don't assume they will be on their best behavior no matter what they say.  A wedding of a black sheep is just too tempting for a toxic parent to not cause a scene and use every opportunity to ruin it for you.  Nothing would make them more happy than make this wedding all about them.

So, my advice would be keep it small and simple, avoid toxic people, and have a great time!  You deserve happiness and love.       

*

evenso

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 42
Re: Getting engaged soon... Still NC with FOO
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2016, 08:21:24 PM »
Congratulations on the upcoming engagement!

I chose to go NC with my immediate family shortly after getting engaged. My engagement and the issues surrounding it weren't the reason for me ending my relationship with my family. However, it was the thing that opened my eyes to how I couldn't set boundaries with them, that their toxic natures wouldn't change, and I was never going to get that fairy tale family dynamic that I kept holding out for from them. I realized what was healthiest for me and I knew what I had to do. It was really hard and it is still hard. It'll be especially hard when seeing other brides talk about their family's involvement (mother/daughter dress picking, diying together, etc). However, I remember the drama and manipulation surrounding it all. I realize I never would have even had those similar experiences as other brides do even had I kept my family in my wedding and in my life. I also realized how emotionally repressed I was from my family. When I went NC, I was relieved to not have to worry about the negativity of them being there and having people not there that aren't supportive of me...but I also didn't realize till this past week that I'm also free to being comfortable and myself on my day too. If I was to cry tears of joy during my wedding...I can without feeling my FOO's judgemental eyes on me. I don't have to be emotionless or feel guilt for the bonds I've made with other's outside of my FOO. It was a really happy thing seeing my fiance's family so happy for him and supportive. However, it was also sad because it again reminded me of what I couldn't have with my own. For me, I tried to focus mainly on the positives as mentioned but also the kindness I've received from his family. I also focus on the new family I'm making which I refuse to feel guilty about and you shouldn't either.  As you said, you left your family for a reason. You have nothing to be ashamed or sorry for. So, you just need to remind yourself of those reasons and be honest with how wedding planning/the wedding would have gone had you kept the toxic people in your life. As you pointed out, they didn't approve of your boyfriend so I doubt there wouldn't have been drama surrounding your wedding had they been involved in it.
We told fiance's family that my family wouldn't be attending possibly due to religious differences when we were visiting and talking plans. It wasn't a lie really...but it was a pretty small piece of the picture of course. I didn't have the heart to tell them the rest and I didn't find it necessary either. I didn't want to paint my family negatively to them and I didn't fully decide to cut them from my life until a little later after returning home from our trip. I had no resentments or anger when I made the choice. His family was very understanding and okay with mine not attending. They had no judgements of me or them. We simply texted them that my side wouldn't be attending for the guest list afterwards and they said okay. They just asked for more of what they could help us with. We're having a small ceremony with close family on his side. I'm not close to any extended family of mine so there was no point for me to share with them. Tell whom you want and don't tell whom you want. We can't control other's choices they make or their thoughts...we can only control our own. So just focus on what you can control such as the wedding planning, the people you love, how nc has improved things, and the future. You don't need to justify anything to anyone. If your parents hear of it then they hear of it. NC doesn't change unless you choose for it to.

So, plan your wedding for whom you want and how you want. If you also just want to elope then that's a choice too. FI and I considered it but we feel very close to his side and I want to have the ceremony including them in our lives. Try to snap yourself out of the negative thoughts when you find yourself in them. When I start focusing too much on the fantasy of a family being there, I get outside for a bit or do something I enjoy. I play with my dog or talk to my fiance. I also think of all the great things fiance's family has done or said to me. I do anything to remind myself that I'm not an outsider. I remind myself why I'm NC and I ask myself if I truly want to go back to all of it...and nothing scares me more than the thought of diving back into all of that.

I hope that helps a tad. Most of it has to come from you no matter how much or how many times you hear it from others. You'll get through it and you'll have many great memories to come surround the wedding. Don't prevent yourself from enjoying it. Don't put other people's standards of family on yourself. You can define it for yourself. :) Good luck!

*

lovingheart

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 266
Re: Getting engaged soon... Still NC with FOO
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2016, 11:37:40 AM »
Thank you so much.

Your posts have been really helpful. I thought about it all night... I want people who are going to be happy for me present not people faking their happiness just to be there.
Luckily, his family is amazing and his mother knows exactly what's going on with mine so that's going to make things easier on my end.
I do like the idea of letting the few family members that will be going will be told to keep it on the DL.
I'm definitely not letting that get to me.

Thank you.
Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.

*

littlemisssunshine

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 97
Re: Getting engaged soon... Still NC with FOO
« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2016, 05:41:00 AM »
I ran away and got married abroad, i managed to keep it all hush hush from my foo thank god, we were no contact anyway but I never wanted my dad to walk me down the Isle, he broke my heart in my late teens by not believing I had been raped, who chooses not to be there to support their own daughter through that, i mean really. Fortunately my beautiful husband fully supported my decision as my parents hadn't been particularly nice to him. It was an amazing day completely free from drama and I had one sad moment the night before when I was trying to sort out my hair and I wished I had a kind caring nice mother there to help me, the only thing is had my mother of been there she would not have been that person. I was wishing for a mum I never had.

when I came home and pictures were shared on Facebook,  a uncle saw the pictures and called my parents I then had a call from my parents that we so abusive I got a urinary tract infection and ended up in hospital for two weeks, they visited me in hospital and then complained that I had spent more time talking to the lady in the bed next to me than conversing with my mother.

my advice would be to weigh it all up have you siblings that have married? What happened on their special day? Will you really enjoy your special day if they are there? Feel no guilt for whatever you choose the actions of these people = whatever your choice is, you are not responsible for their behaviour.

*

lovingheart

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 266
Re: Getting engaged soon... Still NC with FOO
« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2016, 11:19:12 AM »
LittleMissSunshine,

Thank you for your post. It is helping me out a lot.

Thinking back, I could never picture myself getting married due to my family. How they were and how controlling things were at home. They wanted me to be independent, we never talked about weddings or any of the sort. Till this day it's hard to picture a wedding in my mind.

I do know that I want something simple but that is it.

I am the youngest of 3. I will be the first one to get married. My other two siblings are deeply enmeshed that I doubt it will happen anytime soon.

I don't think I'll enjoy my special day if they are there. They didn't like him from the start but I know that I'd hear about how disappointed they are for the rest of my life, despite how happy I really am.

Thanks
Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.

*

littlemisssunshine

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 97
Re: Getting engaged soon... Still NC with FOO
« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2016, 10:02:12 PM »
Loving heart,  i have been thinking about your post today and if I could have a wish come true for you it would be that you celebrated a stress free day and really enjoyed yourself,  make your wedding look like your dream day and don't let yourself be pushed into anything, when you look back at that day you want to remember feeling like you were a princess not a ugly sister because of some stupid comment a pd person in your foo has made, or some punch up the pd disorder person caused. Sending you warm fuzzy happy feelings because you are beautiful outside and in and you deserve a bloody good day. Xx